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A Very Healthy Scent

| ON, Canada | Children, Cousins

(My extended family are having dinner at a restaurant. While we are eating, my four-year-old cousin goes up to my mom to cuddle with her. She is known for her brutally honest “compliments,” while my mom loves to wear perfume.)

Cousin: *to my mom* “You smell like flowers.”

Mom: “Aww, thank yo—”

Cousin: *very seriously* “Cauliflowers.”

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Zumba-Bunga Christmas Party

| Bemidji, MN, USA | Holidays, Parents & Guardians

(My parents have just picked me up from college to bring me home for Christmas break. My dad is notorious for making teasing/trolling one-liner remarks and my mom is always on my case to attend Zumba with her. (Zumba is a dance workout.) Coincidentally, the place where her Zumba group meets is in the back room of a bar.)

Mom: “You should go to Zumba this week. I won’t be able to go, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”

Me: “I’d really rather not go alone… I don’t know anyone there.”

Mom: “Sure you do.” *lists off a few people I only know by name* “Don’t worry. Everyone’s really nice and they’ll make you feel welcome.”

Dad: “Yeah. Especially when they pull back the curtain and let the drunk old men watch.”

Me: *without missing a beat* “Only if I can accept tips.”

(My dad is left speechless and my mom starts laughing.)

Mom: “Yeah, honey. She’s gotta pay for college somehow.”

(My dad muttered something under his breath while my mother and I gave each other a high five and kept laughing.)

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Creating Pet Peeves

| VA, USA | Children, Siblings

(I am in a restaurant with my family, including my five-year-old brother. We are getting ready to leave so I take him to the bathroom. As I’m standing up, he runs over to a family with a little girl who have just sat down to eat.)

Brother: “Can I pet her?”

(I turned around to see my little brother petting a little girl’s head.)

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IKEA: Destroying Relationships Since 1943

| Monument, CO, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I took my parents out to lunch for a minor holiday, and we got to talking about the future and the eventual need for a smaller house, as well as what we might have to sell or give away before we could move.)

Me: “I certainly wouldn’t mind trading my couch for a loveseat from IKEA, like you two have. That thing is just too big; it’s inconvenient sometimes.”

Mom: *sympathetically* “I know, but the problem is, we don’t have a means to bring a love-seat home now. Our cars are too small, and we wouldn’t be able to drive it back from Denver.”

Dad: *frowning thoughtfully* “I guess we could rent a truck for a day. The rate might not be that bad. I should look into that. But yeah, [Mom] is right. We wouldn’t be able to do it with just our cars. We learned that the last time we bought something from there.”

Mom: *suddenly starts laughing* “You should’ve seen it. We had to fold down the back seats to make room, and push ours forward so far I was hunched up to the steering wheel like this-” *mimes being almost six inches from the wheel* “-and [Dad] was practically chewing on the dashboard!”

(Mom is a fairly serious person, so Dad and I generally don’t expect jokes like that from her. We all started laughing so hard, it took us a few minutes to calm down and resume our conversation. Lunch was my treat, but the joke was a much better one.)

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He’s Two Sips Away From Feeling Mercurial

| USA | Sons & Daughters

(My son is 17 years old and has gotten in to alcoholic drinks despite never have drank anything besides a sip here and there. I order a girly drink that comes with a shooter, and he is very adamant on drinking it. I figure it’s probably okay to give it to him; he’s a hefty kid and it probably doesn’t have anything greater than 30 proof, so I give it to him.)

Son: “Mmm, tastes like watermelon! I couldn’t taste the alcohol at all!”

(A little later he’s smiling a bit more than usual.)

Me: “How are you feeling?”

Son: “I feel whimsical!”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, god, he’s buzzed!”

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