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I’m Going To Make Him An Grenade He Can’t Refuse

| MD, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I have just gotten one of my wisdom teeth removed and am still feeling the effects of the drugs. I’m driving home in the car with my dad, listening to the radio.)

Dad: “This song sounds familiar. Who sings it?”

Me: “Marlon Brando.”

Dad: “What?”

(This conversation repeats a few times, with my dad growing more confused and me growing more upset each time because I know I’m not saying the right thing, but am too drugged to fix it, until I eventually give up. It was Bruno Mars.)

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Love Is Pizza

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(After enduring a painstakingly slow day working and both being incredibly tired, my mother and I decide to stop by one of our favorite pizza places rather than have to go home and cook. I have a habit of saying the first thing that pops into my head without thinking and, as we’re leaving, this ensues:)

Me: *as I’m stepping through the door, to the cashier* “Thanks for the pizza, dude. I love you!”

Mum: “She’s being sarcastic! She doesn’t really mean—”

Me: “I am not!”

Mum: *lowers voice* “You can’t just tell people you love them.”

Me: “Yes, I can. He gave me pizza!”

Mum: “He didn’t give you pizza. I bought pizza!”

(Just for the record, I had never seen the cashier before in my life.)

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“Crap” Parenting

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Parents & Guardians

(I am 15 years old and I am in the kitchen helping my mom cook. I have just dropped a glass on the floor, breaking it.)

Me: “Oh, poop!”

Mom: “[My Name], you’re 15! Say ‘f***’ or ‘s***.’”

Me: “You always told me not to swear. I’m not used to it.”

Mom: “Fine, but at least say ‘crap.’ You’re too old to speak that way. It sounds weird.”

(I’m 24 now and have gotten very good at swearing, thanks to my mom.)

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IKEA: Destroying Relationships Since 1943

| Monument, CO, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I took my parents out to lunch for a minor holiday, and we got to talking about the future and the eventual need for a smaller house, as well as what we might have to sell or give away before we could move.)

Me: “I certainly wouldn’t mind trading my couch for a loveseat from IKEA, like you two have. That thing is just too big; it’s inconvenient sometimes.”

Mom: *sympathetically* “I know, but the problem is, we don’t have a means to bring a love-seat home now. Our cars are too small, and we wouldn’t be able to drive it back from Denver.”

Dad: *frowning thoughtfully* “I guess we could rent a truck for a day. The rate might not be that bad. I should look into that. But yeah, [Mom] is right. We wouldn’t be able to do it with just our cars. We learned that the last time we bought something from there.”

Mom: *suddenly starts laughing* “You should’ve seen it. We had to fold down the back seats to make room, and push ours forward so far I was hunched up to the steering wheel like this-” *mimes being almost six inches from the wheel* “-and [Dad] was practically chewing on the dashboard!”

(Mom is a fairly serious person, so Dad and I generally don’t expect jokes like that from her. We all started laughing so hard, it took us a few minutes to calm down and resume our conversation. Lunch was my treat, but the joke was a much better one.)

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The Stud Is A Dud

| Newark, DE, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(My sister and I are both single and in our mid-twenties. We’ve just gotten a new apartment together, but are currently visiting our parent out their house.)

Me: “Oh, that reminds me. Can we borrow that tool you talked about last time to find the best places to hang our pictures.”

Dad: “Sure.” *goes out to garage to get it*

Sister: “You know that thing’s called a stud finder, right?”

Me: “Yeah, but I wanted to avoid calling it that after all the lame jokes Dad made about it last time.”

Sister: “Good point.”

Dad: *returning from garage not having heard us* “You know—” *holds up device* “—this is just what every young woman needs. It’s called a stud finder. You just push this button and when the red light comes on you find a stud.”

Sister & Me: *groan and crack up* “That’s the exact joke we were trying to avoid!”

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