You Won’t Like Him When He’s Angry

| Northampton, PA, USA | Grandparents

(My grandmother has a beautiful white Persian cat named Bruce. I’m dying something green in the kitchen sink when Bruce tries to walk along the back and accidentally falls in. My grandmother comes home from work later to find that her cat is now stained with bright green blotches.)

Grandmother: “[My Name], why is Bruce green?”

Me: “Uh… someone made him angry?”


Hippo Hippie Hipsters, The Least Mainstream Of Them All

| USA | Siblings

(So my sibling and I are in their room talking and going through their stuff cleaning. They grab a round, blue tinted glasses and a colorful vest.)

Sibling: “What do I look like?”

Me: “A hippo! Hipster!” *howling with laughter* “I mean hippie!”

(We died laughing.)


Graduated From Singleton College

| Menominee, MI, USA | Grandparents

(All through college my grandma told me that I couldn’t get married until after I graduated from college. Shortly after my graduation she took me to one of her club meetings.)

Grandma: “This is my granddaughter, [My Name]. I always told her not to even think about getting married until after she finished her education.”

Me: “Yes, she did.”

Grandma: “She just graduated from college.”

(The ladies applaud and grandma turns to me.)

Grandma: “Start thinking!”


A Doggone Scare

| Australia | Pets & Animals

(My sister adopted a rescue dog whose name happened to be the same as her daughter’s. She rings me one day.)

Sister: “I’m a bit sad today, [Niece’s Name] died yesterday.”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Sister: “Oh, my god, so sorry! I meant [Niece’s Name] the dog died yesterday.”

Me: “Oh, s***, you almost gave me a heart attack. I am sorry that [Niece’s Name] died. Have you told Mum yet?”

Sister: “No, not yet. I’m about to.”

Me: “May I suggest that you don’t start with [Niece’s Name] died yesterday?”


Sin City Got Too Boring For Him

| New Zealand | Children, Siblings

(My dad is dropping me and my twin brother off at my mum’s. Whilst driving, Dad turns to my brother.)

Dad: “[Brother], do you know where god lives?”

Brother: “God lives in the clouds.”

Dad: “Good. Do you know where Satan lives?”

Brother: *thinking* “Satan lives… in New York.”

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