Mom Is Fiery All By Herself

| Sacramento, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(It’s winter time and I’m trying to get a fire going in my fireplace. There’s a cold draft coming down the chimney which is causing problems. I try several different things to get the fire going, without much luck. My mom, visiting my house over the Thanksgiving holiday, has been watching the whole time.)

Mom: “Why don’t you try [thing I already tried]?”

Me: “I did, mom. And I tried [list of things that didn’t work].”

Mom: “Well, you didn’t try hard enough! What about [other thing I already tried]?”

Me: “Mom, I just did that! You were right here watching me! I even Googled ‘tips to get drafty fireplace started’ and none of those are working either. I just have to get it warm enough in the fireplace to reverse the draft, and—”

Mom: *suddenly irritated* “JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW SOMETHING, DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO GO LOOK IT UP!”

(I stared at her, aghast. So, what, then? When I don’t know something and can’t figure it out through trial and error, I have to just throw my hands in the air and say, ‘Oh, well, guess I’ll never know!’? I eventually got the fire started, but the whole ordeal made ME — an adult in my own home — feel like I was the unreasonable person for trying to find answers to a problem.)

A High Turnover Of Turnovers

| Canada | Parents & Guardians

(My father has diabetes, but has to be reminded to watch what he eats. After dinner, my mother pulls out a plate of beautiful apple turnovers.)

Me: “Wow! Where did these come from?”

Mom: “A customer bought them for us.”

Me: “Did she say where she got them from?”

Mom: “A customer bought them for us.”

Me: “But did she say where she bought them from?”

Mom: “Oh, Walmart.”

Me: “REALLY?”

Dad: *laughing as he picks up a turnover* “How good can it be if it’s from Walmart?”

Mom: “Don’t take that one.” *gives him the turnover she’s been eating; only a third of it is left* “Eat this one.”

Dad: “Why?”

Mom: “It’s too sweet for you.”

Dad: “But I want to eat a lot.”

Mom: “How good can it be if it’s from Walmart?”

Dad: “…” *returns the turnover he’s been holding back to the dish and accepts the leftover turnover from Mom*

Stringing You Along

| USA | Siblings

Brother: “Hey, [My Name]?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Brother: “You know that thing they do in movies where they’ll pin a bunch of stuff to a cork board and use strings to connect them? What’s that called?”

(Pause.)

Me: “String theory.”

(Longer pause.)

Brother: “A-plus.”

Disney Dilemmas

| Alexandria, LA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(My husband and I are looking for a gift for our one-year-old when I hear a small child’s squeal of excitement. I turn around and spot a man and a little girl, who’s holding a large Captain America action figure and pointing to an end cap display of the new Belle dolls.)

Little Girl: *gasps* “It’s Belle from Beauty and the Beast! I loved that movie!” *turns to the man* “Daddy, can I have her?!”

Man: “No, you have Captain America. Mommy and I said one toy and only one.”

Little Girl: *groans loudly* “How am I supposed to make such a big decision like this? It’s just much too hard!”

Man: *laughs* “Well, hurry, because we have to catch Mommy. If she checks out before we find her, you don’t get a toy.”

Little Girl: *hops from one foot to the other* “I just don’t knoooooow!” *sighs then looks up at her father* “Daddy, you pick for me!”

Man: *smiles* “Okay. I say we get Captain America and come back for Belle later.”

Little Girl: “Okay!” *hugs the Captain America and skips off with her father in tow*

Their Gay Appalling

| NM, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, LGTBQ

(I’m a waitress and my aunt and uncle come in with their great grandson, eight, and great granddaughter, six. Their grandson is my cousin [not the father of above children] and he’s around the same age as me. He’s also gay. His family jumps from being okay with it to being appalled by it. We make small talk and they order. I’m bringing out their food at this time.)

Me: “So how is [Gay Cousin]? I haven’t seen him and his boyfriend in awhile.”

Aunt: *stark white* “Fine.” *she says it fast and quick*

(I realize they’re in the appalled-by-it phase so I change the subject and leave the table. My aunt comes up to me as they’re cashing out.)

Aunt: “Look here. [Gay Cousin] is not gay. We don’t talk about it. He has his friend. I want you to go explain to [Young Niece and Nephew] that boys can’t be with boys. NOW!”

Me: *chuckles because I’m nervous and a little off-put* “They can, though. I’m just gonna tell them that sometimes, boys like boys and girls like girls. So maybe you’d prefer to tell them?”

(She looked like she wanted to kill me. At a loss for words, she turned away from me and walked out, telling her niece and nephew that I was going to Hell. She never talked to me again. Oh, well.)

Page 1/1,30112345...Last