This Gay Gets The Wrong Type Of ‘D’

| UK | Grandparents, LGTBQ

(I have taken my grandmother to the hairdressers and she is making chitchat with the hairdresser.)

Hairdresser: “So did you hear about [Name]? He’s come out as gay. He’s got a boyfriend and everything. He’s been keeping it all secret for years.”

Grandmother: “[My Name] was like that. Weren’t you, [My Name]?”

Hairdresser: “You’re gay, [My Name]? I never would have guessed!”

Me: “I’m not gay. I don’t know where you got that idea from.”

Grandmother: “Well, whatever that other thing you’ve got is.”

Me: “Diabetes?”

Grandmother: *scoffs* “Diabetes. There’s no such thing!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Yeah, that’s why I inject myself four times a day…”

(She went quiet for the rest of her haircut. My mum later told me she was trying to arrange an intervention because of my “drug habit.” I’ve had diabetes for most of my life, so I can’t understand why she doesn’t believe in it. She still thinks I’m gay, though, and now also a drug addict.)

Your Knowledge Of Diseases Is Rusty

| Richmond, VA, USA | Siblings

(My sister and I are at a hair salon, and while getting our haircuts the topic of plucking eyebrows came up. My sister’s have just been waxed.)

Sister: “My eyebrows look better than yours now!”

Me: “Yeah, because they were just done by a professional. I do mine in my bathroom with rusty tweezers.”

Sister: “Rusty?”

Me: “It’s not too bad. I haven’t gotten tetanus yet so I guess I’m okay.”

Sister: “What’s tetanus?”

Me: “It’s what you get when you cut yourself on something rusty.”

Sister: “I thought that was polio!”

Me: “…Polio?”

Sister: “Polio is what you get when you cut yourself on something rusty!”

Me: “No, it’s tetanus!”

Sister: “What does polio do then?”

Me: “I don’t know; make it so you can’t walk? That’s why FDR needed a wheelchair. He got polio.”

Sister: “Wait, if you get tetanus from rusty metal, then what did Jonas Salk cure?”

Me: “POLIO! And he didn’t cure it, he created vaccines for it!”

Sister: “So who cured tetanus?”

Me: *groans*

(She did eventually get it. But how you can make it to 20 thinking you got polio from rusty metal is beyond me.)

The Other Side Of Parenting

| MA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My family and I had just watched the movie “The Shack.” There is a scene in the movie where the main character is asked which of his children he would send to Heaven and Hell to prove a point. His answer was to send himself to Hell and save them both. My father and I are discussing the movie while walking out of the theater. There is a lighthearted joke that my sister is the favorite and the “prodigal daughter,” similar to the prodigal son story in the Bible.)

Me: “So, dad: me and [Sister]. Who would you send to Heaven, and who would you send to Hell?”

Dad: “You know the answer to that! I can’t choose! I would choose me!”

Me: “So… you’d go to Heaven?”

Dad: “Ding ding ding! See you on the other side – NOT!”

Whole New Meaning To “This Is My Blood”

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(It is near the end of Lent.)

Woman: *clearly in a rush* “Can I buy this?” *practically throwing chocolate bar on conveyor belt*

Me: “Sure.”

(I try to get people like that out of the store as quickly as possible, but the machine decides to freeze at that exact moment. The woman is looking over her shoulder frantically as I call a manager to the front, since it needs his code to reboot. I see a little girl in pigtails run to the front where the woman is and the woman sighs.)

Girl: “MOM! I thought you were giving up chocolate for Lent!”

Woman: “Listen, honey, if Jesus had a period, He wouldn’t give up chocolate either.”

Those Cats Have HISS-tory

| SC, USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

(We have one extremely spoiled house cat and a family of yard cats. The friendliest of the yard cats would really be happier as a house cat, so we’ve been trying to bring him inside once or twice a day to get the current house cat used to him. We’ve also been jokingly trying to talk her into accepting him, which works about equally well.)

StepDad: “[House Cat], if [Yard Cat] came inside more, you could team up against the vacuum cleaner!”

(She is unimpressed with this idea. Later, the house cat is sitting in my favorite chair.)

Me: “[House Cat], if [Yard Cat] were inside, I’d feel sorry for you and wouldn’t move you.”

(She considers this, then hops out of my chair. Apparently it’s not worth it. Later…)

Mom: “Maybe someday they’ll be good friends.”

StepDad: “[House Cat] and [Yard Cat], sitting in a tree…”

Me: “H-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

(We’ve been at this for a month, and progressed to the point where she’ll stare at him for a second and not hiss before running away. Wish us luck.)

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