Dad Has A Hidden A-Gender

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Grandparents, LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month, Top

(I’ve recently come out as transgendered to almost my whole family, and spend very little time as a boy anymore except for work. My father calls me to tell me he won’t be home on the weekend, so not to bother coming around to visit. He has been very apprehensive about breaking the news to my grandmother.)

Dad: “You know, you could always go see your grandmother instead.”

Me: “What, and blow her mind?”

Dad: “I told her.”

Me: “Yeah, and what did she say?”

Dad: “Oh, you know, ‘kids will do what they do’.”

Me: “I think I’ll just wait until I can visit with you instead.”

Dad: “Just do it, you weak p****!”

Me: “It only took you, what, four months to tell her?”

Dad: “What was that? You’re breaking up. I can’t hear you; you’ll have to speak louder!”

Me: “You’re going through a tunnel too, right?”

Dad: “Smart-a**!”

A Window Of Opportunity

| Yorkshire, England, UK | Hall of Fame, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month, Top

(My dad doesn’t actually own a computer.)

Technician: “Good afternoon, sir. Am I am speaking to Mr. [name]?”

Dad: “Yes, you are. Who’s speaking?”

Technician: “Hello, I am calling to speak to you about a virus on your Windows.”

Dad: “A virus on my windows? But I had my windows cleaned yesterday.”

Technician: “No, sir, I don’t think you understand; I am a Windows technician.”

Dad: “Oh, so you’re trying to sell me double-glazing?”

Technician: “No, sir, Windows on your computer.”

Dad: “My computer doesn’t have any windows, or any doors.”

Technician: “No, your computer has a virus that could stop it working and let people steal your details.”

Dad: “You mean a bit like you are trying to steal my details and money by claiming a be a Windows technician?”

Technician: “I am a Windows technician; I can see everything on your computer now and can fix it for you.”

Dad: “No, thank you; I’m not interested.”

Technician: “Do you want to lose all of your files and have your details stolen?”

Dad: “Very well, if you are a Windows technician, can you tell me which operating system I use?”

Technician: “You are using Windows XP.”

Dad: “Actually no, I don’t own a computer!”

Technician: “So, you are just wasting my time?”

Dad: “You started it!”

Technician: *hangs up*

Totally Called It

| Sheffield, Yorkshire, UK | Hall of Fame, LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(I am gay, and just starting to come out to friends and family. I phone my mum from university, as I live away from home.)

Me: “Mum, there’s… there’s something I need to tell you. I… I… I’m sorry I’ve not told you sooner mum, but—”

Mum: “Just one minute.”

(She goes away for a couple of seconds.)

Mum: “Right, you were saying?”

Me: “Mum, I’m gay.”

(All of a sudden, there’s a massive round of applause, with shouting and cheers from the other end of the phone. It turns out she has known for years anyway, and knew what I was about to say. She connected her phone to a speaker so that her work colleagues—all of whom she’d told I was gay and that she was waiting for me to come out—could hear.)

Mum: “Well done, it’s about time! I’m proud of you son; I love you!”

Double Vision, Double Punch-line

| Canada | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(It’s early spring, and the city where my parents live received a snowstorm the previous week. I’m on the phone with my parents. People are always commenting that my dad and I have the same sense of humour.)

Me: “So, are you still getting bad weather over there, or has it cleared up?”

Mom: “Oh, it’s much nicer! Your father was excited today because he saw seven robins.”

Me: “Is he sure it was seven robins? Or was it only the same robin that he saw, but seven times?”

Mom: “No, it was seven all at the same time.”

Me: “Is he sure it was seven, or is he suffering from double vision in his old age?”

(My father and I speak the next lines at the same time:)

Me and Dad: “Maybe it was only three-and-a-half birds!”

Back To The Dinner Table

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

Dad: *leaving me a voicemail* “So if you’re not doing anything, why don’t you come over after work yesterday for dinner?”

Me: *leaving voicemail for him in response* “Sorry dad, I can’t remember which decade I parked the Time Machine in, so yesterday might not work. How does tomorrow sound?”

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