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Doctor Who Is Also A Gynaecologist

| WI, USA | Grandparents, Holidays

(This happened during Christmas with my mother’s side of the family. Every year we each get a name for the person we’re supposed to get a gift for. This year my grandmother has my name. I open my present to find a Sonic Screwdriver and the “Day of the Doctor” special. I’m a big Doctor Who fan.)

Me: *playing around with the Sonic Screwdriver and totally geeking out*

Grandmother: *not realizing what she’s saying* “Now, don’t take that to bed with you and play with it all night long.”

(Everyone else in the room cracks up.)

Me: *turning beet red*

Grandma: *confused as to why everyone’s laughing*

Mom: *trying not to laugh* “Yeah, our bedroom is right next to yours. We might hear you.”

Me: *turns even redder*

(To this day, my grandmother still doesn’t get why what she said that was so funny.)

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Maybe You’re In The Appendices?

| Broomfield, CO, USA | Children, Holidays, Parents & Guardians

(My friends are out to dinner when they get a phone call from their first grader, who is sobbing.)

Child: “Mommy! Come home! Come home!”

(Quickly they pay their bill and rush home.)

Friend: *to Sitter* “What happened?”

Sitter: “I don’t know! She wouldn’t tell me!”

Child: “Mommy, I’m afraid I’m on Santa’s naughty list!”

Friend: “Honey, we all are. That’s called sin. But if you love Jesus, you’re in God’s Book of Life!”

Child: *sniffling* “Is that real?”

Friend: “Yep!” *shows her in Bible*

Child: *beaming* “That’s wonderful! Oh, Mommy… which chapter am I in?”

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Mom-Time

| Seattle, WA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My fiancée and I are planning to go to a Christmas event, for which my mother will be picking us up. My mother is perpetually and predictably optimistic about timetables.)

Me: “Mom said she was gonna be leaving around 12, and here to get us about 12:30, right?”

Fiancée: “Yeah, she’s getting your brother first.”

Me: *half-joking* “So we should expect to be leaving about 12:45, then.”

(Sure enough, at about 12:15 the phone rings.)

Me: “Hi, Mom!”

Mom: “Hey, sweetie. I just called to let you know, we’re gonna be running a little late, but I’ll call you when we’re close.”

Me: “That’s fine. We already planned on that.”

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Brace(let) Yourself For A Dad Moment

| Canada | Parents & Guardians

(For Christmas, I am given a bracelet that’s too short for me to put on one handed. I recruit my dad for help.)

Me: “Dad, can you help me put this on?”

Dad: “Sure!” *clasps it and hands it back* “Here you go.”

Me: “I meant on my wrist.”

Dad: “Oh, right!”

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The Peppermint Bark Is Worse Than The T-Rex Bite

| Allentown, PA, USA | Grandparents, Holidays

(I am watching ‘Jurassic Park’ when my grandmother walks into the room. Because she can’t tolerate violence at all, I pause it while she’s talking to me. Before leaving, she notices my bag of chocolate and tries to mooch some off of me.)

Grandmother: “Ooh, what do you have here?”

Me: “It’s a Christmas gift. Please don’t touch it.”

Grandmother: “It looks like dark chocolate. Kit Kats…”

Me: “You have your own chocolate. You don’t need to eat mine.”

Grandmother: “Ooh, that looks like peppermint bark!”

Me: *placing my hand on the remote* “I’m un-pausing my movie whether you leave or not.”

(She looks up, realizes I’m at the part with the T-Rex, and turns around.)

Grandmother: “Okay, I’m gone!”