Imafanderstand

| SC, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I have a hard time understanding speech sometimes, especially if the voice is very low-pitched or has a thick accent. My stepfather has a low voice and a thick Low Country accent — VERY southern even compared to upstate South Carolina where we live. He’s seen some coyotes outside so we’ve gone out to look for them and scare them off. I’m standing on the porch looking into the yard, and he’s at the edge of the yard looking away from me into the woods.)

Me: “I don’t see anything…”

Stepfather: “Imafathisgunwuntam.”

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t—”

Shotgun: *BLAM!*

Me: “Ah. Got it.”

(Apparently it was “I’ma fire this gun one time.”)

Has The Gall To Assume That

| Tampa, FL, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I have always lived with severe food allergies that make eating out rather difficult. This is just after I have had gallbladder surgery for an excessive number of gallstones.)

Dad: “Let’s get pizza for dinner tonight.”

Me: “Remember, I need my regular pizza.”

Dad: “But you aren’t allergic anymore.”

Me: “What? How? Yes, I am.”

Dad: “No, you had your gallbladder out. That fixed your allergies.”

Me: “No… that’s not what the gallbladder does.”

Very Deep-water Horizon

| Singapore | Siblings

(This takes place in 2010 a few weeks after the BP Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. An oil tanker collides with another ship and leaks off the northeast coast of Singapore. My sister works on the north side of the island. After we come home from work:)

Sister: “I smelled something like burning petrol today.”

Me: “Oh, maybe it was the oil spill.”

Sister: “You mean the BP one?”

Me: “No, the Changi one. You think you can smell petrol all the way from America?”

Never Going To Celebrate Independence Day

| Australia | Siblings

(My sisters and I are hanging out on the couch.)

Me: “Oh, yeah, [Sister #1]. I got told that if you do end up studying overseas I should go with you for fun.”

Sister #1: “Oh… Yay! That means I don’t have to go alone!”

Me: “Yay!”

Sister #2: “OH, MY GOD! WE’RE NEVER GOING TO GET RID OF EACH OTHER!”

Me: “But travelling alone is scary.”

Sister #1: “Yeah, I’m not that independent!”

Sister #2: “Oh, yeah, true. I hate airports. I have no idea what to do!”

Me and Sister #1: “Same!”

Me: “Hurray! We’ll never be independent! Together forever!”

‘GO’ To Bed

| UT, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(We’re getting our toddler ready for bed, which involves prayers, hugs and kisses, and then a song or two. I’m usually the one who sings him a song and tucks him in to end. My husband left the room and closed the door behind him, like he always does.)

Toddler: *reaching for the door immediately after it closed* “Papa!”

Me: *opening the door* “I think he’s asking for you tonight.”

(My husband came back in the room and I asked our son if he wanted to go to daddy instead. He dove out of my arms into my husband’s, looked me in the eye, pointed at the door, and said “GO!”)