All Manner(less) Of Callers

| Bay Area, CA, USA | Grandparents

(After reading a Not Always Working post about getting rid of telemarketers, my friend and I can’t wait to try it out. We use it the first few times and it goes well. The next time my friend answers the phone though, this happens.)

Friend: “Thank you for calling Dirty Dan’s house of hookers. You’ve got the dough; we’ve got the blow. Can I help you?”

(Listens and his face goes white.)

Friend: “Oh, hi, Grandma. How are you?”

(Listens again.)

Friend: “No, there’s nothing weird going on here. We were just having a little fun, you know?”

(Listens again.)

Friend: “Oh, yes, my parents taught me phone manners. It’s just non-manners day in this house.”

(Listens again.)

Friend: “Uh, yeah, I understand. Can I let you talk to mom?”

(That was the last time we used that greeting.)

Try To Remain Civil War

| Dubuque, IA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’ve finally convinced my mom to watch some movies with me. We’re watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Civil War, because she hasn’t seen the latter and doesn’t remember seeing the former.)

Mom: *halfway through the movie* “You know, I feel like I’ve seen parts of this before.”

Me: “Yeah, because this is the second or third time I’ve watched it with you.”

(With perfect timing, a brainwashing scene was playing.)

Fatherly Truffle Shuffle

| New Zealand | Parents & Guardians

(My house is laid out with the toilet and laundry at one end, dining and living rooms in the middle, and bedrooms at the other end. My father has come to stay for the weekend, and while he went to bed early, my flatmate and I have stayed up to watch a movie. At some point my dad opens the connecting door and pokes just his head around the corner, with a silly look on his face. Since he hasn’t asked us to turn the volume down, I quickly guess the problem.)

Me: “If you’re just in your underwear, we can close our eyes.”

(My flatmate and I avert our eyes but not before I see the big grin on my dad’s face, as he starts a silly shuffle through the living room towards the laundry, squealing “WHEEEEEEEE!”)

Who Should Be More Offended: Women Or The Spider?

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(My mom is always telling me that I should be more feminine. One day, my mom comes screaming out of the bathroom.)

Mom: “There’s a gigantic spider in there!”

(I go in, take a tissue, and brutally slam the spider against the wall, smashing it, and clean its guts off of the wall. I turn around and my mom is staring open mouthed at my calm demeanor.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I mean—”

(I flip my hair and drop the tissue into the trash can with a feminine flick of my wrist.)

Me: *in a high pitched, breathy voice* “Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe that I didn’t run out the bathroom screaming at the top of my lungs over a small, harmless spider.”

Some Day My Principle Will Come

| Lexington, KY, USA | Teenagers

(I’ve just returned home from a Boy Scout trip to Disney World, and I’m telling my mom about the trip.)

Me: “While I did have fun, I think I probably would have enjoyed it more as a family trip. With the Boy Scout troop, we had to skip a few things. I didn’t even get a chance to take picture with Mickey Mouse!”

Mom: “You’re 14. You know that’s just someone in a costume.”

Me: “Yes, I know that, but it’s the principle of the thing!”