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You’ve Found Mom’s Kryptonite

| Brooklyn, NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m watching Justice League (Unlimited) on TV. My sister and mother are sitting in the adjoining room. My mother is at her computer, not paying full attention.)

Me: *to my sister* “So in this episode, it’s Superman’s birthday. Batman brings him cash, asking, “What do you get ‘For The Man Who Has Everything’?””

Mother: *without looking up* “Kryptonite.”

(My sister and I turn to her in shock.)

Sister: “Do you know what you just said?”

Me: “That would be like getting from your son a birthday present of a gun with a single bullet.”

Mother: *now fully attentive* “But that’s not the same thing. I don’t have the urge to use that.”

Me: “If you knew your son felt that way about you, you just might.”

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Should Have Left That Joke Up In The Air

| Clayton, NC, USA | Popular, Siblings

(My family has always had a very dark sense of humor. Back in 2007, a single-engine plane crashed into a seafood/BBQ restaurant, across the street from the [Fast Food Chain] in town. Only the manager was there, and the only casualty was the pilot. They rebuilt and are still in business. Fast forward to 2011, my younger siblings and I need to find a place to live because our family is losing the house. I’m telling my brother, who is 21 at the time while I am 23, about an apartment that I’m putting in an application for.)

Me: “You know where you’re going down [Highway] and turn left at [Fast Food Chain]? It’s a street on the left before you get into the housing neighborhood.”

Brother: “Oh, so, near the airport.”

(I wish I could say I was mature enough to not laugh until I cried, but that would be a lie. If there is a Hell, my whole family is going.)

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Hair-Raising Heir Raising

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m a 14-year-old girl and my dad is always accusing me of clogging up the bathtub drain. Today, he uses a tool to pull up a MASSIVE mound of hair that was stuck in there, and he calls me up to ‘rub my nose’ in it.)

Dad: *screaming* “Look at what you did! This is your hair!”

Me: “It wasn’t me!”

Dad: “Of course it is; no one else has long, brown hair.” *shaking it at me*

Me: “First of all, that hair is BLACK, not brown, and second of all, smell that?”

(There’s a strong smell of chemicals from the pile of hair.)

Me: “That’s the smell of hair dye. Mom just went to the salon today.”

(He put two and two together, and realized it was his wife’s hair, and dismissed me without an apology. I guess he’d rather scream at his daughter then confront his wife about her nasty hair!)

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Surviving The Terrible Twos Is A Feet

| UT, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(I’m sitting on the couch with my legs stretched out, and my two-year-old son is sitting on my lap. He lies back and sticks his feet in my face.)

Son: “Smell my feet!”

Me: “I don’t wanna smell your feet!”

Son: “Smell my feet!”

Me: *smelling his feet* “Ooh, those are stinky!”

(They smell a little dusty, but aren’t stinky or particularly dirty. He has me smell his feet a couple times, which makes him giggle.)

Son: *grabs my hands and smells them* “Your hands smell stinky!”

Me: *laughing* “Probably because they’ve been touching your stinky feet!”

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Driving Your Sisters Away

| USA | Popular, Siblings

(My older sister has always been more of an introvert, and usually depended on my other sisters and me for social interaction growing up. By the time we go to college, my parents decide that it would be more economical if three of us sisters live in the same apartment in the city we are studying. We comply, but the second sister and I both regret the decision almost immediately. On a Friday night at five pm:)

Older Sister: “Ah, it’s been a long week. I rented a movie and we can all watch it together!”

Me: “Sorry, but I made plans with my friends. Maybe another time?”

(A few Fridays later at five pm:)

Older Sister: “I was thinking we could get into our pajamas early and bake cookies!”

Second Sister: “Sorry, but I have to do some readings for my Saturday class.”

Me: “Sorry, but I have to work on this paper and I don’t really have time to do it the rest of the weekend.”

(This continues for several weeks. On top of having a part-time job and my classes, I belong to a few clubs associated with my fields of study and attend those regularly. I catch up with my friends on the weekends, and I save my free time for catching up on work. The main reason I keep on rejecting my older sister’s ideas is simply because she always chooses five pm on Friday to declare what “we” are going to do for the evening. I almost always have my weekends set up long before Friday rolls around, so I always have to say no. Finally, in the middle of winter, a huge snowstorm hits the city. Since the city has a public works system that is equipped to deal with sudden snow, we know that the main streets have been cleared and are safe for driving. It is Friday night, and I am about to go to a party with my boyfriend.)

Older Sister: “I was thinking because of the snow we could all make popcorn and watch a movie!”

Me: “Hey, Sis, I would love to, but I am going to that party, remember? You all said I could have the car.”

Older Sister: *suddenly angry* “What? No! The streets are all covered!”

Me: “Well, our street is covered, but if I can get the car two blocks down to [Main City Street], I should be fine. Plus, [Boyfriend] lives on a main street, so I can pick him up just fine.”

Older Sister: “No, you are NOT using the car that Mom and Dad paid for in this weather! Do you not have any respect for our parents?”

Me: “Okay, I see your point. I wanted to drive my boyfriend since he does not know where my friends who are having the party live, but I will call him up and see if he would be willing to drive since he actually owns his car.”

(I call my boyfriend and he agrees to drive. The moment I get off the phone, my sister comes swooping next to me.)

Older Sister: “Are you stupid? Why are you going? It is a mess out there! Are you so selfish that you would get yourself killed on the way to a party?”

Me: “Really? You do realize that you can’t live in this part of the country without dealing with the roads when it snows. Plus, [Boyfriend] tells me that his main street is already plowed and looks good. We will be careful.”

Older Sister: “No! You march out there right now and show me the street is not slippery. If you slip even ONCE, then you can’t go to the party!”

(I humor my sister and put on my boots and walk up and down the sidewalk while she angrily stares me down. She accuses me of walking too gingerly, and then we both go back inside. I do end up going to the party, but the moment I arrive, I find my phone buzzing incessantly. I see that the number is my parents’ home number.)

Me: “Hello?”

Dad: “What is this about [Older Sister] telling us that you went out in a treacherous snow storm?”

Me: “Dad, yes, there is snow on the ground, but the main streets are plowed and salted. We did not even slide once getting here. [Older Sister] is mad because I have plans and she doesn’t. It’s not my fault she doesn’t have friends!”

Dad: “She told us you were doing drugs. She says you are out all of the time and look like you are high every time you come home.”

Me: “WHAT?!”

(Yes, my sister told my parents I was on drugs (which was not true), all because she never had any plans herself on the weekends. After that, I never spent quality time with my sister while we were still living in that apartment, just out of principle.)