Has Some Major Mayor Problems

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(Right after I got my advanced degree in my chosen field, I had a really difficult time finding a job and lived in my parents’ spare bedroom, struggling on 16 paid hours per week at a local university while spending 40 hours a week searching and applying for jobs.)

Mom: “Hey, why don’t you run for mayor!”

Me: “Uh, because it sounds terrible?”

Mom: *suddenly angry* “WELL, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO SETTLE ON SOMETHING HERE SOON!”

(After eight years of advanced education and months of struggling to get a foot in the door of my chosen career, I was picky and ungrateful because I didn’t want to run for a public office?)

Misfortune Cookie

| UK | Children

(My daughter opens her fortune cookie.)

Daughter: “‘Smiling often can make you look and feel younger’… I don’t want to look and feel younger! I’m nine!”

Love Bites

| AZ, USA | Children, Non-Dialogue, Parents & Guardians

Growing up, I lived less than a mile from a well-known ice cream business. My dad and I would go there every so often, order a couple of cones, and sit in the back of his truck. My dad’s order never changed: large vanilla cone dipped in chocolate.

When I was still little, somewhere between 6 to 10 years old, I got into the habit of biting the tip off of his cone. He would pretend to be angry and I would get a kick out of it. I did this every single time, even when he “sternly” told me not to, well into my teens and even my twenties.

One day, I pick us up some ice cream and his usual order by myself. When I get home, I hand him his cone. He looks at it, then at me, and hands it back. I hadn’t bitten the tip off and he wouldn’t take it until I did!

He no longer gets his cones dipped in chocolate, but I still try my best.

No Longer A Private Matter

| USA | Children, In-Laws

(I’m hanging out with my daughter and son-in-law, watching TV. They have a dog and he is sitting with his legs wide open. My daughter notices.)

Daughter: “Put your d*** back in!”

Son-In-Law: *looks down* “It’s in!”

Daughter: “I’m talking to [Dog], dear.”

Sins Of The Father

| UK | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(I have gone over to a friend’s house after school to chill out before going to a movie later on in the evening. We’re watching TV in the lounge while my friend’s mum occasionally engages us in small talk. This is my first time actually meeting her.)

Mum: “So, [My Name], do you have a girlfriend?”

Me: “Well, not really.”

Mum: “Oh? [Friend] has a girlfriend. I thought this was going to be a double date.”

Me: “Well, I guess it—” *noticing my friend shaking his head* “—isn’t. Just some friends going to watch a movie.”

Mum: *eyes narrowing* “Hmm… what else?”

Me: “Nothing, just movie, McDonald’s, and home.”

Mum: “I don’t bel—”

Friend: *gesturing me to get up as he stands* “He’s gay, he’s got a boyfriend, and yes, it’s a double date.”

Mum: *eyes widening* “Oh, you’re THAT friend. [Friend]—” *while snapping her fingers* “—I thought I told you to stop being friends with him.”

Friend: *walking towards his front door* “And I thought I told you it was none of your business who I made friends with!”

Mum: “This is a Christian house and a Christian family. I refuse to have THOSE—”

Friend: “Christian? You have a pentagram hanging over the toilet!”

(We’re outside his house by this point and he slams the door shut. His mum doesn’t come out, but I can hear her kicking and screaming as we walk away.)

Friend: “Sorry about that. She isn’t the nicest person to get on with. And sorry for outing you like that. I know you prefer to tell people yourself. It’s just I’ve seen it happen before, and she’s relentless. I just try get it out of the way.”

Me: “That’s fine. Umm, are you ok with me not coming over again?”

Friend: *looking extremely apologetic me* “Sure. I probably shouldn’t have invited you, to be honest.”

Me: *trying to lighten the mood a bit* “A pentagram?”

Friend: “Oh, yeah. Whenever she goes into the toilet she says she’s dumping for Satan. F****** weirdo.”

Me: “Is she actually a Christian then?”

Friend: “F***, no! She just uses Christianity because it doesn’t like homosexuality. She used to be a right hippie before meeting my dad!”

Me: “She hates it that much?”

Friend: “No, she just doesn’t like one gay person. My dad came out when I was five, after realising he was gay after his stag do. She thinks he did it personally to scorn her. She really likes my girlfriend, too, so she doesn’t want me hanging around anyone who is gay in case I turn.”

Me: “Wow.”

Friend: “She tries to stop me seeing my dad. But I’ve been going over every weekend since I was old enough to use the bus. She tried claiming he’d kidnapped me once. The police were around and everything.”

Me: *speechless*

Friend: “She’ll probably calm down after I get married… provided it’s to a woman.” *winks*

(We both laughed. He ended up marrying his girlfriend, with me as his best man. While his mum was at the wedding she refused to acknowledge my friend’s dad, but was perfectly happy meeting my boyfriend, now civil partner. They’re barely on speaking terms with each other nowadays, though, since he moved away. I see her occasionally and she asks me how he is doing, but whenever I mention us meeting up to hang out she’s gets the same look of mistrust in her eyes. I often hope I never run into her.)