Faced With The Truth

| NS, Canada | Children, Sons & Daughters

(My six-year-old daughter keeps sticking her tongue out at dinner.)

Husband: “[Daughter], are you making faces at the dinner table?”

Daughter: “No, I’m making faces at you!”

The Only Lemon Is Your Brother

| Anchorage, AK, USA | Siblings

(My mother has sent Brother to the store to buy a lemon.)

Brother: “Mom, I got your lemon!”

(He walks in and sets it on the counter. Remember, he is 19 and a junior in college.)

Me: “[Brother], that’s not a lemon. That’s an orange.”

Brother: “It was in the lemon box!”

(I don’t know what’s worse, that he picked out an orange orange surrounded by yellow lemons, or that he managed to get all the way home without realizing it.)

Playing The Witcher Doctor

| Allentown, PA, USA | Siblings

(My sister is making a new character in a video game.)

Sister #1: “I’ve already played as pretty much all the classes that are worth playing. I think I’ll play as a witch doctor this time.”

(She comes to the screen asking her to name her character.)

Sister #2: “Name her ‘Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang’!”

Sister #1: “I can’t name her that! It doesn’t fit the character limit!”

Me: “I love how the biggest issue you have with that name is that ‘it has too many characters.’”

Just Go With Option Number Two

| Finland | Cousins, Sons & Daughters

(My cousin and I are babysitting her two siblings, three-year-old twins. The twins are occupied with their own games so we let a movie, which is probably not suited for children at all, run in the background while we’re talking. Suddenly in the movie, a man wearing nothing but white underwear gets… visibly aroused. Of course that’s when one of the twins look up.)

Twin #1: “Oh, no! He pooped in his pants!”

Twin #2: *looks up* “Oh, no! Diaper change!”

Both: “Poo! Poo! Poo! Diaper change! Poo!”

(Both twins continued cheering while we were absolutely mortified, and of course, rolling on the floor laughing at the same time. We made sure to change the channel back to something appropriate.)

| England, UK | Unfiltered

[i](My nephew is 6 and while he doesn’t fully understand the whole birds and the bees thing, his understanding is that it is a man who “puts the baby in the woman’s tummy” when he loves her. I had previously been in a relationship with a girl a few years before but we never became intimate, he remembers this out of the blue and becomes curious about this. Due to his own mother raising him as a single parent and then meeting another man, however, this makes things somewhat confusing for him at times)[/i]

[b]Nephew:[/b] “<My name>?”

[b]Me:[/b] “Yes?”

[b]Nephew:[/b] “You had a girlfriend, right?”

[b]Me:[/b] “Yes…?

[b]Nephew:[/b] “Does that mean you’re a dad?”

[b]Me:[/b] “No, I am not.”

[b]Nephew:[/b] “But you use to be one?”

[b]Me:[/b] “No, we never had children, so I am not and have never been a dad.”

[b]Nephew:[/b] “Why not?”

[b]Me:[/b] [i]*trying my best to put this in a way he would understand*[/i] “… Because… She wouldn’t let me make one with her…”

[b]Nephew:[/b] “Oh… If she had a baby now, would you be the dad then?”

[b]Me:[/b] [i]*caught off guard by that question, and not thinking this answer through*[/i] “No, and she’d have a hard time proving it if she tried to make that claim.”

[i](Thankfully my nephew accepted my answers at that point and happily went about the rest of his day)[/i]

The Huggable Dead

| ON, Canada | Siblings

(I have been reading the “Till Undeath Do You Part” series on Not Always Romantic, and so had to ask my brother:)

Me: “Hey, what would you do, if I got turned into a zombie?”

Brother: “I would hug you until you died. Again.”

(I love my brother.)