Pre-School Metal Jacket

| Long Island, NY, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(My brother is on leave from the Marine Corps and is staying with me and my six-year-old daughter. We have plans to meet with my mother to pick up my other brother from the train station. We call Marine brother “Punkie.” I wake up that morning, shower, dress, and wake up my daughter.)

Me: “[Daughter], wake up. Go brush your teeth.”

Daughter: *grumbles*

Me: “When you’re done, get dressed.”

(My daughter brushes her teeth and gets dressed.)

Me: “Okay, can you wake up Punkie?”

Daughter: “I’ve already woken up, brushed my teeth, and gotten dressed. What have you done this morning?!”

(I can’t wait until she’s a teenager.)

It Runs In The Family

| OH, USA | Grandchildren

(I’ve been coaching my grandsons on a good comeback to something family members frequently tell them. Finally, they get it memorized and this happens:)

Husband: *reacting to something the boys had just done* “You’re so weird!”

Older Boy: *leans nonchalantly next to his grandfather and asks* “You know why that is?”

Husband: “Why?”

Both Boys: *yelling* “Genetics!”

Halloween Is Getting More Gourdy

| UK | Holidays

(My pre-teen daughter and I are watching television when an advert comes on.)

Voice Over: “Remember when Hallowe’en was just a pumpkin?”

Me: “Hah. I remember when Hallowe’en was just a swede!”

(My daughter gives me a look.)

Me: “Oh, crap, I’m so old…”

The Scariest Halloween Ever

| IA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My parents are over at my apartment but I haven’t had enough time to really tidy up before they came over. I am a 22-year-old woman, seeing someone, and it’s the week before Halloween. My mom is wandering around while I fix them some tea, I’m in the kitchen so I can’t see her.)

Mom: “Oh, what, is this part of your Catholic schoolgirl costume?”

(I walk out and practically drop two hot cups of tea as I see my mother dangling a pleated plaid mini-skirt as what it is really for dawns on her.)

Mom: “Ha ha, uhh, it’s so cute, [My Name].” *she drops it like a hot coal*

Dad: “Huh? What is it?”

(Awkward silence.)

Dad: “I don’t get it.”

Mom: “[Dad], DROP IT!”

(I really hope it never occurred to my father what that was, but my mother has not spoken of it since. I keep my apartment MUCH cleaner now.)

Never Reached The Point Of ‘Grown-Up’

| Norway | Siblings

(It’s my oldest brother’s birthday. For the past several years, I’ve texted both my brothers to remind them of birthdays and other important days such as anniversaries and Mother’s/Father’s’ day and such. I’ve elected not to remind my youngest brother today, and I receive a text from him.)

Brother: “I remembered [Brother]’s birthday all by myself! Hashtag grownup-points!”

(A few days later my parents and I stopped by his work to buy some paint, and use his employee discount.)

Coworker: *checking us out* “Do you remember your employee ID?”

Brother: “Uh, [number], I think?”

Coworker: “That is correct. I have it on the screen; I just wanted to test you.”

Brother: “Yes, I passed!”

Me: “Are you giving yourself some more grownup-points?”

Brother: *with a huge, goofy grin* “Yeah!”

(He’s 26 years old…)