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I’m Here In Mind Only

| Allentown, PA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(I’m at my parents’ house, looking after their little dog for the evening while they’re out with some friends. It’s mostly just an excuse for me to hold the dog, whom I love dearly, while playing video games on their big television. They get home as I’m shutting down the game system and my mother calls to me from the other side of the house.)

Mom: “[My Name]?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Mom: “Are you still here?”

Me: “No… I’m responding telepathically from my own house.”

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When The Penny Finally Drops

| WA, USA | Popular, Siblings

(Years ago my sister wanted just money for Christmas, so I gave her money… two $50 bank boxes of pennies, neatly wrapped.)

Sister: “What the h***?!”

Me: “But I’ve left them in the wrappers and boxes!”

(Two years later she wants money again…)

Sister: “And no pennies!”

Me: “Okay, can do…”

(She got a box with nearly $200 in loose nickels! In my defense, I was unemployed at the time, and the nickels were a “leftover” from my previous job.)

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Not A Fan Of Fan Fiction

| PA, USA | Popular, Siblings

(I’m moving out of my dad’s house and my sister is helping me clean out and pack up my room. She hands me a huge stack of loose pages and notebooks.)

Sister: “Here’s a stack of old stories you wrote.”

Me: “Oh, hey, this is all the early fan-fiction that I wrote eight years ago before I got a laptop and began typing everything!”

(I take a break to read a few of them.)

Sister: “So, are they as good as you remember?”

Me: “We have to shred them and then cremate the scraps so that no one will ever know that it was me who wrote them…”

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Living In A Pressure Cooker

| USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(I’m a college student home for the summer. No matter how many applications I fill out and who I talk to, nobody wants to hire just summer help, so I’m without a job so far. To make up for this, I babysit when I can and sell some crafts to try to pay tuition. Because I’m home so much, my mom expects me to cook every day. I’m fine with this because she does pay for my food, but it soon gets to be too much.)

Mom: “So, for dinner tomorrow I want you to make a meatloaf and those cheese and bacon potatoes.”

Me: “All right. Don’t forget I’m going out with [Older Sister] and the kids to [Amusement Park] Wednesday, so I can’t cook.”

Mom: “Oh… I guess we’ll just have hot dogs that day.”

Me: “Whatever you guys want. She’ll feed me at the park.”

Mom: “It’s such a hassle when you go out, you know. I have to cook.”

Me: “What do you guys do when I’m at school?”

Mom: “I have to cook. I make hamburgers, hot dogs, and spaghetti. Fast and easy dinners.”

Me: “Oh… okay.”

Mom: “Like, when you went out with Friend] last week, I HAD to make spaghetti. When you go out with [Best Friend], I HAVE to cook.”

(My brothers and fathers are all adults capable of cooking for themselves.)

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Mom: “You need to stop going out so much. I need you at home to cook.”

(This is why I’m a resident.)

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Elephant Stew

| USA | Distant Relatives, Popular

(I’m at a large family gathering with many relatives and friends of the family. Earlier I needed to take a break, so I went somewhere quiet and watched a movie. Now it’s much later, and there’s a lull in the party so I’m reading.)

Relative: “Are you still watching your movie?”

Me: “No, that’s finished.”

Relative: “What movie was it?”

Me: “The Gumby movie.”

Relative: “Oh, I’ve been thinking about Gumby a lot lately. I’m not sure why.”

Me: “He’s gotten a recent surge in popularity. The Kabillion network was recently licensed to show the old episodes, and they’re being released on DVD for the first time, remastered with their original soundtrack.”

Relative: *confused* “Who are we talking about?”

Me: “Gumby?”

(Relative still looks lost.)

Me: “The little green clay boy? From the 50s?”

Relative: “Oh. Who’s the elephant, then?”

Me: “Babar?”

Relative: “The one with the big ears?”

Me: “Oh! That’s Dumbo.”

Relative: “Right! Gumbo! That’s who I was thinking of.”

Me: “…Gumbo’s great, too.”