You’re Totally Crushing It

| Albuquerque, NM, USA | Children, Cousins, Popular

(All of my cousins are staying at my aunt’s house for a few days, while our parents are out of town. I am the oldest and decide I will read them a book called Don’t Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus. The book requires the children to repeatedly say no.)

Me: *reading as the pigeon* “I bet your mom would let me drive the bus.”

All Three At Once: “No.”

Me: *as pigeon* “I have dreams you know. You’re crushing my dreams!” *the crushing my dreams part was improvised by me*

Cousin #1: “I love crushing dreams.”

Me: “Okay, then.”


I’m Here In Mind Only

| Allentown, PA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(I’m at my parents’ house, looking after their little dog for the evening while they’re out with some friends. It’s mostly just an excuse for me to hold the dog, whom I love dearly, while playing video games on their big television. They get home as I’m shutting down the game system and my mother calls to me from the other side of the house.)

Mom: “[My Name]?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Mom: “Are you still here?”

Me: “No… I’m responding telepathically from my own house.”


When The Penny Finally Drops

| WA, USA | Popular, Siblings

(Years ago my sister wanted just money for Christmas, so I gave her money… two $50 bank boxes of pennies, neatly wrapped.)

Sister: “What the h***?!”

Me: “But I’ve left them in the wrappers and boxes!”

(Two years later she wants money again…)

Sister: “And no pennies!”

Me: “Okay, can do…”

(She got a box with nearly $200 in loose nickels! In my defense, I was unemployed at the time, and the nickels were a “leftover” from my previous job.)