The New Boyfriend Went Bust

| IN, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Boyfriends & Girlfriends

(I’m a 12-year-old girl. My aunt and her now ex-boyfriend stop by.)

Aunt: *hugs me and whispers* “You’ve got bigger tits than I do!”

(A few minutes later my mom, my aunt, her boyfriend, and I are all in the living room. I’m playing on my tablet when suddenly:)

Aunt’s Boyfriend: *to me* “So, what does your father think of your new boobs?”

Would Rather Face Up To The Cost

| NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

(It’s the late 1980s. I am discussing with my mother that I may delay buying a new car, so that I can wait for them to come equipped with airbags.)

Mom: “Don’t those cost a lot of money?”

Me: “Yeah, about $1,000. But I’d rather spend an extra thousand dollars on an option than spend much more than that rearranging my face after a crash.”

Mom: “Well, it depends on how much you like your face!”

Me: “…”

Activate The Rock-n-Roll-inator

| CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(We have recently discovered that Slash is going to be playing at a charity event at a zoo, and have decided to tell my dad despite knowing that we cannot go. Note that I know some random things that I learn from bizarre places.)

Brother: “Slash is going to be playing at the zoo.”

Dad: “…who’s Slash?”

Brother: “What?”

Mom: “What do you mean, who’s Slash?!”

Dad: “What?! I can’t remember who Slash is!”

Me: “Even I know who Slash is!”

Mom: “He’s the lead guitarist for Guns N’ Roses!”

Dad: “Oh!”

Mom: *turns to me* “How do YOU know who Slash is? I know him from Guns N’ Roses, but how do you know?”

Me: “He was on Phineas and Ferb!”

Take A Deep Breath And Lawyer-Up

| MA, USA | Cousins

(My cousin and I are female and too old to be having this conversation.)

Cousin: “When I worked for [Company], we got CPR training. We were paid for the first two hours, but not for the second two hours.”

Me: “That’s pretty decent. Plus you didn’t have to pay for the training.”

Cousin: “Yes, but we were only certified for six months.”

Me: “Yes, but you’ll always have that skill.”

Cousin: “Yes, but we were only certified for six months.”

Me: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Cousin: “You have to be certified to perform CPR. Otherwise you can get sued.”

Me: “???”

Should Have Turned The Other Cheek

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(I am 12 and my brother is 9. I should mention that I hate any gore in movies even though I know it’s not real. It scares me a lot since I am sensitive. My mom also disapproves of me watching any fake gore on TV. We’re watching a National Geographic show on TV when my mom comes in.)

Mom: “What’re you watching?”

Me: “Something about some tribes celebrating something. They’re having a parade.”

Mom: “Ok, good. Have fun.” *leaves to do dishes*

(The parade is beautiful until I see a man grab an iron pike and stab himself in the FACE with it! He stabs himself so far in, that the iron pike comes out on the other end! Horrified, I cover my eyes and sob, and my brother starts crying, too. My mom hears and rushes back in.)

Mom: *looks at TV* “Omigosh, what is this?!”

Me: *blubbering* “He just stabbed himself in the face. I don’t know why!”

Mom: *turns off TV* “Disgusting.”

Me: “I hate gore, even though it’s fake, I hate it!”

(Many years later, I realized that it was real blood!)