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Your Language Takes A Mass Defect

| Adelaide, SA, Australia | Parents & Guardians

(This takes place a few years after a trilogy ended and there has recently been trailers for a new instalment of the game. My brother and I are discussing it at home.)

Brother: “The trailer looks fun but it’s all pre-rendered stuff. I’ll wait for the gameplay videos before I get excited.”

Me: “Same. Some of the story stuff looks good but we both remember how the last one went.”

Brother: “You know, I saw all the backlash for that ending but it wasn’t too bad for what I played.”

Me: “That’s f****** bull-s***! You played after they gave free-lc to patch the ending because it was completely nonsensical and bloody ridiculous.”

(Five seconds after swearing I remember that mum is home from shopping watching TV in the next room.)

Me: “Sorry, mum, won’t do that again!”

Mum: “Congratulations, you’re cooking dinner for the next week! Including washing up!”

(At this point, Dad speaks up.)

Dad: “To be fair it really was f****** bull-s***.”

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Your Opinions Are Trans-Parent

| Seattle, WA, USA | Holidays, LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(I am a young woman and home for the holidays. My girlfriend is a source of tension, as my mom is religious and my girlfriend is trans.)

Me: “I will definitely be here for Christmas, but I might spent a day with [Girlfriend].”

Mom: “That’s fine. She’s welcome here, you know.”

Me: “I know, but she doesn’t feel welcome.”

Mom: “Well, I don’t understand why. Oh, by the way, there’s someone new to the area I want to warn you about.”

Me: “Do tell.”

Mom: “There’s this man who wears women’s clothes who hangs out in the library. It wears a really cheap wig, so you can probably spot it. Now, I don’t dislike him for that, but that is how you can identify it.”

(A few minutes later we walk by a woman with a strong jaw.)

Mom: “That was him. Watch out for that guy!”

(Now, why would my girlfriend feel unwelcome, do you think?)

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Snatching Away Your Innocence

| UK | Parents & Guardians

(I am playing Harry Potter Trivial Pursuit with my parents, them rather reluctantly, as I am a massive fan.)

Me: “What does Hermione say after being caught by the snatchers?”

Dad: “Ow, my snatchers!”

(Cue a fit of hysterics from me and Mum.)

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Facebook Is Second Cousin To Family Trees

| Belgium | Cousins, Parents & Guardians

(I am teaching my mother how to use Facebook, and am using my account to explain everything.)

Me: “So over here you can see who wants to be your friends, though you only should add people you know.”

Mom: “Why would people add friends they don’t know?”

Me: “I don’t know, because they want to scam them or something? See, here? There is a friend request from someone I have never met or recognize, so I will just ignore her request like so—” *moves mouse to the ignore button*

Mom: “Euhm… [My Name], that’s your cousin.”

Me: “What? I don’t have a cousin called [Name].”

Mom: “Yes, you do; she’s the youngest daughter of [Dad’s Sister]. She is a year older than [Brother]. You guys went to the same primary school.”

Me: “What? I thought she was called [Uncle’s Last Name].”

Mom: “No, he’s not their father. [Aunt]’s first husband is.”

Me: “Ah, I’ll better add her, then, or we won’t hear the end of it at family gatherings.”

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They Growl Up So Fast

| Long Island, NY, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Children

(I am about seven months pregnant. My boyfriend and I are in bed, watching TV. He is resting his head on my belly.)

Me: *burps silently*

(Boyfriend looks at my belly with a horrified expression.)

Boyfriend: “I think the baby just growled at me!”