Blame Canada!

| WA, Australia | Parents & Guardians

Me: “I was born in Canada, but I’ve always been an Australian citizen. How did that happen?”

Father: “Well, we could apply for Australian citizenship because I’m Australian. We sent out application forms to both governments. The Australians replied within weeks. The Canadians never did.”

(And they still haven’t.)

Doesn’t Have Twenty/Twenty Time Keeping

| Italy | Parents & Guardians

(I see my father putting on a coat.)

Me: “Where are you going?”

Dad: “I’m dropping at [Friend]’s place for twenty minutes. I’ll be home by eight-ish.”

(I check the clock. It’s 17:40.)

When Spiders Learn To Use Knives

| New Zealand | Parents & Guardians

(I have arachnophobia, which means I have a fear of arachnids — spiders, scorpions, etc. As of recently, there has been a spider in the corner of our bathroom and I have been madly dashing in and out whenever I want to use it. One day, the spider apparently vanishes but when I open the door it’s dangling in front of me. I slide under it, hit the wall, and tell Mum.)

Mum: “Look. You shouldn’t be scared of spiders. They can’t hurt you. You’re a lot bigger than them!”

Me: “Mum. That is like standing in front of a disturbed person wielding a knife and saying, ‘I’m better than you! You can’t hurt me because I have the moral high ground!”

Mum: “Point taken…”

This Kind Of Drama Is Foreign To Me

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m watching a foreign show with no English subtitles when my mum comes home. She doesn’t understand the language. Also, unlike American shows, it’s very conservative. For example, it is very normal for romantic couples never to kiss on screen.)

Mom: “What’s happening there?”

Me: “The hero is fighting the bad guy and his lackeys.”

(One guy is killed. Another runs off leaving the guy left yelling.)

Mom: “What did the bad guy do?”

Me: “Killed his dad.”

(The guy remaining is killed, with overkill. The runner is ignored.)

Mum: “Looks like that one was the dad killer. I’d certainly stab someone multiple times if they killed my dad.”

Me: “Yup, he was.”

(A girl then runs over and lightly hugs the hero. They then leave, while flashbacks of the two are shown.)

Mom: “Sister or friend?”

Me: “No, wife.”

Mom: “They don’t act like a couple at all! Where’s the kiss? And they stand and sit far from each other every time!”

School Supplies Are Locked In

| TN, USA | Parents & Guardians

(It’s the day before school starts. My mom sends me to our garage to dig for supplies before we go to the store to see what we have and what we need. While I am digging, my dad comes to the garage.)

Me: “Oh, hey.”

Dad: “Hey. What are you doing down here?”

Me: “Looking for school supplies, you?”

Dad: *opens freezer* “Looking for chicken.” *brandishes pack of chicken legs*

Me: “Okay.” *continues digging*

Dad: *goes back upstairs*

(I grabbed the folders and the pack of pencils I found and turn to go back upstairs.)

Me: *turns door handle and unsuccessfully tries to open door* “Oh, crap, it’s locked.” *patting my pockets in search of my phone* “Mom? Dad?” *knocks on door* “Mom? I’m locked in!”

(Luckily, my brother’s room is right next to the garage.)

Brother: *unlocks door* “Are you okay?”

Me: “Yeah. Thank you.” *walks upstairs*

Mom: “Were you calling for me?”

Me: “Yeah, I got locked in.”

Mom: *covers her mouth to stifle laughter*

Dad: *sheepishly* “Sorry about that…”