The Fake Race Was Won With Alternative Facts

| England, UK | Parents & Guardians

(One afternoon my parents and I are watching Formula 1 on TV. The camera switches to an onboard shot of one of the drivers. My mum has barely paid any attention to the race, suddenly her eyes go wide and she starts pointing.)


(My dad and me shoot her a really weird look and expect this to be a joke, then it dawns on us that she is serious.)

Me: “What are you talking about?

Mum: “That shot — it’s fake!”

Me: “Mum, that’s an onboard camera shot. It’s clearly real.”

Mum: “Nonsense. That’s a clip from a video game!”

Me: “Even the best video games don’t look as realistic as that. It’s not fake.”

Mum: “Oh, yes it is! Look at it. It’s clearly a fake!”

(The TV switches to the same shot again — my mum begins pointing again.)

Mum: “THERE, LOOK! That’s a video game clip. They’re lying to people!”

Me: “For Christ’s sake, mum, that looks nothing like a video game! Just leave it.”

Mum: “But that’s fake.”

Me: “How would you know? You never play video games!”

Mum: “Because I know what I know and—“

Dad: *interrupting* “Oh, shut up, [Mum]!”

(Thankfully she was quiet for the rest of the race and since then there have been no further F1 conspiracies theories.)

A Bird On Your Phone Is Worth Two In The Bush

| USA | Siblings

(I have just moved in with my dad, my brother, and my dad’s new wife, whom I don’t know very well. We’re sitting down having breakfast when I hear a bird whistle very clearly. Our house is near some woods so I think it’s a wild bird.)

Me: “Huh, is that a bird? Birds are very common here.”

(No one says anything, just continue eating and looking through their phones. A few minutes pass and I hear it again.)

Me: “Wonder what kind of bird was that. I’m curious.”

Brother: *finally looks at me like I’m stupid* “That was [Dad’s Wife]’s phone! It has a new message!”

Me: “Oh! Well it sounded like a bird call.”

(I felt stupid.)

He Read About It In A Magazine

| UK | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(I came out as gay a few months ago. While most of my family were fine with it, my dad wasn’t too keen. He wasn’t hostile about it, but he did get this idea in his head that he could “turn me back.” I come home from school one afternoon to find porn magazines on my bed, tailored towards straight men — there was at least £50 worth all laid out. I sneer at them as my dad comes into the room.)

Dad: “So? Has it worked?”

Me: “Yup. I guess I’m straight now. Yum, p***y!”

(My dad didn’t take it well, but I got a good laugh out of the reaction. That was five years ago. We don’t talk much now, but he’s come around a bit since then.)

Snow Chance That’s True

| Sacramento, CA, USA | Spouses & Partners

(It’s winter time. During the course of conversation with my husband, he tells me he’s never played in the snow before. Growing up in Southern CA, this isn’t uncommon, but my family – from Northern CA – is shocked.)

Me: “You’ve really never played in the snow before? Ever, in your whole life?”

Husband: “Nope!”

(So I ask him if he’d like to take a trip up to the mountains for his birthday, to spend an afternoon in the snow, and he excitedly agrees. We make our plans for the trip based on whether he’s done various things, like making snowmen and/or snow angels, having snowball fights, and so on. My husband keeps insisting he’s never done any of it. On the day of the trip, my family, my husband, and I all pile into the SUV together to drive up the mountain…)

Mother: “Wow, [Husband]; I can’t believe you’ve never been to the snow!”

Husband: “Yeah, we just never really went and did stuff like that. It doesn’t snow where I grew up.”

Mother’s Boyfriend: “Man, so you’ve never even been sledding or ANYTHING?”

Husband: “Well, I’ve been sledding before.”

Everyone: “…”

Me: “Wait, if you’ve never been to the snow, how have you been sledding before?”

Husband: “We went sledding in the snow at my aunt’s house during Christmas time!”

Me: “But we’d all been asking you if you’d ever played in the snow before, and you just said you never had!”

Husband: “Well, because it was a long time ago!”

Me: “[Husband], it still counts as playing in the snow even if you hadn’t done it for years.”

Husband: “I dunno. I guess so.”

Charity Isn’t A Charity

| IL, USA | Parents & Guardians

Me: “I found this underwear on clearance, but if you don’t want them or they don’t fit I’ll just give them to charity.”

Mom: “What if she doesn’t want them either?”