No God In This House

| Australia | Grandparents, Top

(Mum has just returned home and my grandmother is in a panic.)

Mum: “What’s wrong?”

Grandmother: “A strange man came to the door. I wouldn’t unlock the security door, so he left a card on the mat. I went out after he left to get it. He was from the church.”

Mum:  *reading card* “Oh, it was the new minister from the church.”

Grandmother: *horrified* “Oh, I should have let him in. What is he going to think of me? How could I have treated a minister so badly? I should have known!”

(She flaps around in a panic, as to her ministers are one step down from God.)

Mum: “Was he wearing his robes?”

Grandmother: “No, he wore normal clothes.”

Mum: “So, how would you have known he was a minister?”

Grandmother:  “Well, I could have read the card.”

Mum: “A church business card that he had hand written his name on?”

Grandmother:  “But he was a minister!”

Mum:  “I don’t care. I don’t want you letting strange men in the house when you are alone, especially those with handwritten business cards. Anyone can write their name on a business card.”

Grandmother:  “But…”

Mum: “No buts.”

(Later, we receive a phone call.)

Minister: “Oh, hi. I think I may have scared your mother today. Is she all right?”

Straight To The Point

| Australia | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Top

(I am 16 and have come out to a few friends as bisexual, but am stressing about telling my parents. I know my whole family is open about it, but I am scared they will react negatively. My 14-year-old sister is talking to mum about her upcoming school formal while dad reads in the corner. Note that everyone in the family believes her to be completely straight.)

Mum: “Have you found a date yet?”

Sister: “Actually, yes. I just asked [Girl’s Name]. She’s… I really like her.”

Mum: *pause* “Okay, sweetie, I’m glad to hear it!”

Dad: “Girls, huh? Cool.” *goes back to reading*

Mum: “Have you thought about what dress you want yet?”

Me: “…”

Has No Control Over The Past

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m in my mid-twenties. I’m in the car with my dad, known for being quiet and reserved, driving and talking about something that happened over a decade ago.)

Me: “I’ll never forget that. We’re in a massive Suburban, on a windy two lane road, and we hit black ice and start swerving back and forth across both lanes. You just go ‘hang on’ and start turning the wheel calmly and get the car back the right way, then just kept driving like nothing had happened.”

Dad: “Yeah. I was just trying to aim for in between the trees.”

Me: *laughs* “Wait, what?”

Dad: “Yeah, I didn’t actually think I was going to get it back under control. I was just trying to aim it between the trees instead of hitting a tree head on.”

Me: “… Well, that’s reassuring.”

Mother Doesn’t Have A Foot To Stand On

| NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I have sprained my right ankle. Both my feet are really swollen due to a medication I am on, so they don’t notice any outward swelling even though it is about three times its normal size. They don’t do anything about it. 10 months later, I sprain the left one and have to walk home on it. My mom told me that if I was able to walk that far on it, it wasn’t serious enough to warrant a trip to the doctor. Fast forward to present day. My ankles are now permanently swollen since they never got the full treatment they needed. I now work retail, and it is the holiday season.)

Me: “Those shoes suck, Mom. I need new ones. Look.”

(I pull my shoe off to show her the bleeding calluses I’ve developed.)

Mom: “Oh, s***. What did you do to your foot?”

Me: “Calluses, Mom, These shoes are not helping.”

Mom: “I see the calluses. Why is your ankle so swollen?”

Me: “Eight years later, and you finally see that? Good job, Mom. Good job.”

A Novel Use Of The Navel

| NC, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(I’m about three years old at this time. My preschool teacher and a family friend are pregnant around the same time.)

Me: “Mommy, how does baby get in tummies?”

Mom: “When a man and a woman get married, God will give them a baby.”

Me: “Okay.”

(A few days later.)

Me: “How does a baby get out of the tummy?”

Mom: *slightly surprised* “There’s a special spot on a woman’s body.”

Me: “Okay.”

(A few days later…)

Me: “Where’s that special spot? Is it the belly button?”

Mom: “You know what? What about we go get some ice cream?”

(I thought the baby came out of the belly button for the next seven years…)

Sadder And Wiser

| TN, USA | Children, Grandparents, Parents & Guardians

(I am working as a cashier at a convenience store. We typically get a lot of tourists in the area, and during the summer a lot of families. In this particular instance, it’s a couple, their young daughter, and the grandmother.)

Daughter: “Mommy, can I have this?” *pointing at a toy*

Mother: “No, honey. You’ve got toys in the car.”

Daughter: “Okay…”

(A few minutes later, the grandmother brings the toy to me to buy.)

Mother: “[Daughter], are you asking Grandma to buy things for you?”

Daughter: “No.”

Mother: “Are you touching things and looking sad?”

Daughter: “… maybe.”