Not So Mellow Yellow

| MD, USA | Parents & Guardians

(While shopping at a popular electronics store, my 60-something mother and I walk by the bright yellow courtesy wheelchairs.)

Mother: “Ooh! Wheelchairs!”

Me: “No, Mother. They’re not for you.”

Mother: “Awww. But it would be fun!”

Me: “No. Yellow means ‘Do not touch.'”

Mother: “To me, yellow means, ‘Catch me if you can!'”

Diving Into His Own Interpretation

| NE, USA | Cousins, Parents & Guardians

(My father goes out of town for a family wedding. Instead of spending time with relatives his age, he decided to spend time keeping an eye on his nephew’s four-year-old daughter, my cousin. This is one of the stories he had to tell:)

Dad: *noticing her staring at a no diving sign* “Hey you reading the sign? What does it say?”

Cousin: “No diving bonk your head!”

Matrix Portal

| Finland | Sons & Daughters

(My daughter has never seen The Matrix or played Portal, but she knows some of the lines… or so I thought.)

Me: “Can I put [slightly embellished version of what she just said] on Not Always Related?”

Daughter: “I didn’t say it that way. That would be a lie. Like the spoon.”

Me: “What spoon?”

Daughter: “The one that exists in your mind and nowhere else. The spoon is a lie!”

Me: “No, the cake is a lie. There is no spoon!”

Charlotte Is The Odd One

| NJ, USA | Siblings

(I never plan on having kids but my sister wants a big family when she’s older so I often horrible names for her.)

Me: “You should name your future kid Elizabeth, and then I can call her lizard!”

Sister: “How about no?”

(Later.)

Me: “Oh, I know! If you marry someone with the last name Dactyl then you have to have a daughter named Tarah. Like Pterodactyl!”

Sister: “You want me to name my child after a dinosaur?”

Me: “Yes?”

(The next day.)

Me: “I know another name!”

Sister: “I swear if you want to name my kid after another reptile…”

Me: “I was going to say Charlotte, but okay.”

Sister: “Ah yes, my three children, Lizard, Pterodactyl, and Charlotte. Thank God you’re never having kids!”

I’m Singeing In The Rain

| IL, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I am away at college and this is over texting with my mother. The weather was predicted to be above 60 for the next few days, which is unusual for IL.)

Mom: “Did you buy an umbrella today?”

Me: “No, I didn’t buy an umbrella today.”

Mom: “Oh well. At least it’s warm out if you get soaked tomorrow.”