A Merging Of Humors

| Centreville, VA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My mother was raised in both an Italian and Irish Catholic household, so she is very sensitive when it comes to her kids (including me, her oldest) using foul language. We are just coming back from my learner’s permit test, which I passed. Since I missed a few questions, though, she is currently quizzing me as we drive back home.)

Mother: *after numerous questions about signs, signals, etc. notices that we need to merge into a lane* “So, [My Name], what do you do when you need to yield to another car at a merge?”

Me: *not realizing what I’m saying until I say it* “Well, you’re supposed to let them in by slowing down, but if you’re an a**hole, you just drive right past and cut them off.”

(Luckily, my mother thought that what I said was hysterical, so I dodged a bullet on that one.)

Planet Of The Pacinos

| CA, USA | Siblings

(My twin sister and I are taking a walk through our hometown when I notice a man who looks remarkably like a certain celebrity. I decide to point this out.)

Me: “That guy looks like Al Pacino.”

Sister: “What? No, he doesn’t.”

Me: “He totally does!”

Sister: “How the h*** does he look like Al Pacino?”

Me: “He has a droopy jowl.”

Sister: “Lots of older men have droopy jowls.”

Me: “AND THEY ALL LOOK LIKE AL PACINO!”

It’s Demon-Possessed Barbie!

| PA, USA | Siblings

(While randomly browsing toys on the Internet, I stumble upon an action figure of the demon lord, Diablo, from the video game of the same name, and excitedly add it to my cart.)

Me: “Hey! Hey, [Sister]! Look what I bought!”

Sister: “Why are you buying that? It’s really expensive and you already have enough toys.”

Me: “Because I want to dress him up in Barbie clothes and make him live in the dream-house with Ken!”

Sister: “You’re buying an expensive action figure of a demon just so you could make him hang out in a dress at the dream-house?”

Me: “I am an easily amused individual…”

(About an hour after he arrived I sent her pictures of him awkwardly riding in the back of Barbie’s pink convertible with Ken and a rubber velociraptor. 24 years old and I still play with my toys the same way I did when I was 7.)