Back Seat Driverless

| San Diego, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My mom is about to drive me to school and she’s just asked me to take out the trash. I don’t want to wear my heavy backpack for this task, so I put it in the car and take the trash to the front curb, where the cans are. Suddenly, I see her start to drive away. As I had wrapped the bag around my wrist, I didn’t have time to drop it, so I literally start running behind her, waving my arm trying to get her attention.)

Mom: *having seen me and picked me up* “I thought you were in the car!”

Me: “How could I have been when you JUST asked me to take out the trash?!”

Mom: “Well, I heard the door close so I just figured you were in here!”

Me: “You would have made it all the way to school without me if I hadn’t tried to flag you down, wouldn’t you…”

Mom: “Maybe so!”

(To this day, she laughs at the image of me running behind her, trash bag in hand, as she drove away.)

Can’t Be A (Walking) Stick In The Mud

| Kauai, HI, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I, my dad, and mom are taking a walk on a nature trail. I’m four at the time and my dad is carrying me up on his shoulders.)

Me: “Can I hold the stick?” *I am referring to a hiking stick my dad is walking with*

Dad: *hesitantly* “If you promise not to hit me with it…”

Me: “I promise!”

Dad: *hands me the hiking stick*

Me: *immediately hits him on the head with it*

Mom: *starts laughing*

Dad: “[My Name]!” *trying to keep a stern face but failing* “That’s not funny!”

Me: *innocently* “Then why are you guys laughing?”

The Scotch Is The Icing On The Cake

| Buffalo, NY, USA | Siblings

(My brother and mother are in town for a long weekend and I show them the local Galleria. My brother has his own ideas of how to entertain himself.)

Brother: “I’ll be at the Cheesecake Factory bar; meet me there… I may smell of Scotch and cheesecake…”

You Kraken Me Up

| Erie, PA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My mom happens to stop by my apartment one day, and she sees the line of empty rum bottles my roommate had put on our windowsill.)

Mom: “Oh, what kind of liquor is that?”

Me: “That’s Kraken rum, mom.”

Mom: “Why is there crack in it?”

Some Blood Is Thicker Than Others

| MD, USA | Siblings

(My brother just got some blood tests back.)

Sister: “What blood type are you?”

Brother: “O positive.”

Sister: “Me too! We’re blood relatives!”

(They high five.)

Me: “I’m A positive…”

Both Siblings: *exchange a look* “You must be adopted.”