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Identity Theft

| USA | Children, Siblings

(This happens with my younger brother, who is six.)

Me: “Did you know that you have two names?”

Brother: “No…”

Me: “Yeah, your first name is [First Name], and your middle name is Robert!”

Brother: *eyes get big* “I don’t believe you!”

(After Mom confirms it, he gets upset.)

Me: “Don’t you like the name Robert?”

Brother: “No! I’m NOT a robber!”

(To this day, 29 years later, I still tease him about it even though he now likes his name better.)

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That Brand Is In Bad Shape

| Santa Barbara, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My mother has come to visit me from out of state. As a civilian, she can not use the military stores, so I do some grocery shopping for her.)

Mom: “I want ranch dressing, and it has to be [Brand]. That’s the only brand I like.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll add it to the list.”

Mom: “Did you write the brand name down? Remember, I will only eat [Brand].”

Me: “Yes, I wrote it down. You want [Brand] ranch dressing.”

(Fast forward an hour; I am home from the store.)

Mom: “Why did you get this dressing? I only eat [Brand]!”

Me: “That is [Brand]; it says it right here, on the label.” *pointing*

Mom: “But that’s not the kind I like. The kind I like has a bottle shaped like this.” *draws shape in air*

Me: “That’s not [Brand]; that’s [Other Brand].”

Mom: “Well, I knew it was one of the major brands. I couldn’t remember the name, just the shape.”

Me: “Why didn’t you tell me the shape, then?”

Mom: “How are you going to write this—“ *draws shape again* “—on your grocery list? I figured it was safer to tell you the brand. Although, I guess it doesn’t matter. I told you the brand, and you still got the wrong thing.”

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Ooh, Burn!

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(It’s nighttime. I am in the kitchen and my dad is watching TV in the next room when I burn my hand taking garlic bread out of the oven. I cry out in pain and immediately put it under cold running water.)

Me: “Dad! Do we have any burn cream?”

Dad: “I don’t know… Why? Did you burn yourself?”

Me: “Way to figure it out, Nostradamus!”

(For some bizarre reason, he didn’t seem too inclined to help me out after that remark.)