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BBQed Wallet

| England, UK | In-Laws, Siblings

(My wife’s sister normally makes very little effort, expecting everyone else to make plans for her, then complains that she is never included. Surprisingly, she turns up out of the blue at our house.)

Wife: “Whilst your here, why don’t we have a barbeque?”

Sister-In-Law: “Err, yeah, sounds good.”

Me: “Great, although we don’t have any charcoal, sausages, or buns. And I’ve had a drink.”

Brother-In-Law: “That’s okay, I don’t mind driving you to the shop.”

(We go through the shop, picking out a few things to buy. He makes a show of commenting how great X and Y product is, and how he will pay for them. I pay for most of them and he pays for his bit. We get back home and before I even unpack)

Me: “Hey, where’s [Brother-In-Law]?”

Sister-In-Law: “Oh, he just popped home.”

(He turned up later empty handed. All the bits he bought he put back in his house. They spent the afternoon mooching of us. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t get invited back again.)

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I Have A Crappy Leg

| USA | Sons & Daughters

(My 13-year-old daughter has been having problems with her upper thigh/hip, and had to get an X-ray. The doctor’s office just called and told me that there is no fracture, so she is probably just experiencing a strain in her ligaments. They also informed me that an abnormal amount of stool is in her colon, and she should probably try and clear it out. Thinking this is hilarious, and knowing my daughter wants to hear the results, I text her and tell her what I learned. This is the text conversation that followed.)

Daughter: “What’s stool?”

Me: “Poop.”

Daughter: “In my leg?”

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A Fateful Shopping Trip

| England | In-Laws, Parents & Guardians

(My husband and I are sitting with his mum, having a general conversation. His mum is known for going on odd tangents.)

Mother-In-Law: *suddenly, and seriously* “I believe in fate.”

Husband: *slightly confused* “Oh, do you?”

Mother-In-Law: “Yes, because I went shopping and bought a nice pair of shoes. And then when I came home I found one of my dresses, and it goes perfectly with those shoes. So that proves that fate is real.”

(Cue my husband and I leaving the room to have a quick laugh.)