Category: Teenagers

On The Long Drive To Mordor

| TX, USA | Parents & Guardians, Teenagers

Me: “Okay, everyone, time for a restroom break…”

Teen Daughter: “But Mom, I don’t need to.”

Me: “[Teen Daughter], this is a long trip and I don’t want to be stopping every time someone needs to go. If we all go at the same time, our bladders will be synced up.”

Teen Daughter: “Mom, I don’t feel the need!”

Me: “I don’t care. In the words of Gandalf, ‘You shall PISS!'”

Sage Teenage Advice

| TX, USA | Sons & Daughters, Teenagers

(Mother’s Day is this weekend and I am teasing my husband about what he should get me as a gift…)

Me: “Honey, Mother’s Day is this weekend.”

Husband: “Hmm…”

Me: *dramatically* “You need to do something to show your love for me!”

Husband: “Like what?!”

Me: *in a breathy voice, to teen daughter, who’s just walked in* “What should your father do to show his love for me?”

Teen Daughter: *glaring & in a deadpan voice* “Not touch you in any way, shape, or form.”

The Mystery Molecule

| Fresno, CA, USA | Sons & Daughters, Teenagers

(As my (too smart for his own good) 18-year-old son comes in to say good night, I ask him about his new shirt. It is from his AP chemistry class. All I can understand is ‘Go (molecule symbol). We’re all winners here.’ I couldn’t figure out what the chemical symbols meant. He got a big grin as he was explaining it.)

Son: “The molecule symbols are for ‘Nads.’ So it says Gonads. We’re all winners here.”

Me: “Really, how did you get away with that?”

Son: “We were trying to figure out what we could slide by the administrations & be approved. We knew they wouldn’t understand it.”

Me: “What did the teacher say?”

Son: “She was in on it & thought it was funny!”

(My husband and I look at him in disbelief.)

Me: “Who’s idea was it?”

Son: “Mine!”

Husband: *shaking his head side to side* “I thought we raised you better than that.”

Son: “Apparently not.”

Salad Is Good For Your Braaaaaaaain

| USA | April Fool's Day, Teenagers, Zombies

(My teenage son is a notoriously fussy eater. He has just got home from school and I have made dinner.)

Me: “Eat the salad.”

Son: “No. it’s gross. I don’t like vegetables.”

Husband: “Your mother made dinner. You should eat it.”

Me: “It has meat in it.”

Son: “But they’re touching the vegetables, gross. Anyway, I’m not feeling too well. I think I’ll just go to bed.”

(He takes an uncharacteristically early night, and I do the dishes, before my husband and I settle down in front of the TV. Every channel is alarmingly indicating that the zombie apocalypse has started. I am about to go warn my son, when I see him shuffling down the stairs, with a dead look in his eyes.)

Me: “[Son]?”

(He merely grunts, wanders over to the salad, sniffs out the meat, and starts eating it. My husband walks slowly backwards and get a kitchen knife.)

Me: “[Husband]! No, don’t!”

Husband: “It’s hard to accept, I know, dear. But our son isn’t our son anymore.”

Me: “Yes, I know, but at least wait a minute!”

Husband: “Why!?”

Me: “He’s finally eating my salad!”

Be Prepared, For This Family

| Fresno, CA, USA | Siblings, Teenagers

(For the first time in a long time, my mom’s four children are together and visiting a zoo for a family event. I’m the oldest at 26 while my two sisters are 15 and 11. We’re all walking into the African area of the zoo.)

15-Year-Old Sister: “Great idea! Who needs a king?”

Both: “No king! No king! Lalalala!”

Me: *whirling around to stare them down* “FOOLS! There will be a king!”

11-Year-Old Sister: “But—”

Me: “I will be king! Stick with me and you’ll never go hungry again!”

Both: “Yay, all right! Long live the king! Long live the king!”

(I was deemed the king for the rest of the day and no one else in the family thought this was unusual.)

H2-Oh So Deadly

| Houston, TX, USA | Sons & Daughters, Teenagers

(In an effort to raise healthy children, I’ve made them aware of how certain drugs and even just natural ingredients can be harmful in the wrong amounts. My teen daughter has taken this to heart, though I didn’t realize how cautious she’d become until one day…)

Me: “Hey, hon, I’ve got a new gluten-free cookie recipe. Let’s try it!” *I hand her the recipe*

Teen Daughter: *reading recipe* “Mom, it’s got nutmeg! And cinnamon. Cinnamon can be dangerous and nutmeg in large amounts is dangerous, too!”

Me: *deadpan voice* “Yeah, and water in large amounts is dangerous. It’s called drowning.”

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