Category: Teenagers


Some Day My Principle Will Come

| Lexington, KY, USA | Teenagers

(I’ve just returned home from a Boy Scout trip to Disney World, and I’m telling my mom about the trip.)

Me: “While I did have fun, I think I probably would have enjoyed it more as a family trip. With the Boy Scout troop, we had to skip a few things. I didn’t even get a chance to take picture with Mickey Mouse!”

Mom: “You’re 14. You know that’s just someone in a costume.”

Me: “Yes, I know that, but it’s the principle of the thing!”


The Terrible Teens

| AK, USA | Teenagers

My father brought me to the doctor because when I don’t eat, I:

– Get easily angered

– Act moody

– Talk very fast

– Move very slowly

– Get sleepy

Diagnosis: I am a teenager.


Didn’t Succeed In Escaping Those ‘Feelies’

| Ocean City, NJ, USA | Popular, Teenagers

(I am on the boardwalk, walking. There are designated lanes for bikers, runners, et cetera. Suddenly, a teenage girl comes riding next to me on purple light-up Heelies sneakers, going the wrong way in the biking lane.)

Teenage Girl: *screaming* “WEAR HEELIES TO ESCAPE YOUR FEELIES!”

Girl’s Mother: *running after her* “God d**mit, Tay. How come you always act like a hyperactive child on drugs?”

Teenage Girl: “Yeah, my brain is weird. Anyway, it saddens me to think that most turtles will never know the sweet taste of a bagel. Feelings are hard. Bagels don’t have feelings. Why can’t I be a bagel?”

(I later saw the same family at my hotel, and I can confirm that this girl always acted like this. Once she skateboarded into the continental breakfast screaming about how she’s emo now, while wearing pastel blue and pony hair clips. I last saw her telling a long-winded story to an old lady about her hermit crabs named Shmi Skywalker and Breha Organa.)


Before The Internet Came A Calling

| Pawtucket, RI, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular, Teenagers

(My newly licensed 18-year-old son keeps mentioning the possibility of renting a car rather than taking the bus home from or back to school.)

Mama: “Do car rental places even rent to 18 year olds? When I was 20 or 21 I remember calling around to every car rental place in town just to find one that would rent to anyone under 25!”

Son: “Why were you calling?!”

(He knows I hate cold-calling, and will always choose checking a company’s website over calling them.)

Mama: “Kid, you really have no idea how much the world has changed just in your lifetime, do you? Twenty years ago, the Internet was still in it’s infancy, and no businesses were even online! Calling or walking in was the only way to get that info, and I didn’t have a car, so walking in everywhere would have taken all day!”

On The Long Drive To Mordor

| TX, USA | Parents & Guardians, Teenagers

Me: “Okay, everyone, time for a restroom break…”

Teen Daughter: “But Mom, I don’t need to.”

Me: “[Teen Daughter], this is a long trip and I don’t want to be stopping every time someone needs to go. If we all go at the same time, our bladders will be synced up.”

Teen Daughter: “Mom, I don’t feel the need!”

Me: “I don’t care. In the words of Gandalf, ‘You shall PISS!'”

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