Category: Spouses & Partners

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Cat Called Spot

| UT, USA | Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners

(I’m sitting in our office, watching a video game stream with my husband. Our cat spends most of her day in the office, only roaming around at night, so my husband, who works from home, sees her more often than I do. Our cat has liked him better from day one. She walks into the office, and watches me from the corner.)

Me: “Does she usually hang out in that corner?”

Husband: *laughs* “No, she usually comes and sits by me, and I pet her. She’s giving you a funny look because you’re sitting in her spot.”

Me: “Well, hate to break it to you, cat, but it was my spot first.”

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Do You ‘Like’ Your Marriage?

| England, UK | Siblings, Spouses & Partners

(My wife and I are sitting down to watch a movie. As she is setting up the DVD player, I’m playing with my phone.)

Me: “Ugh.”

Wife: “What’s up?”

Me: “Oh, your sister and her Facebook posts.”

Wife: “I know! What is it now?”

Me: “Oh, another sloppy romantic husband and wife comment. They don’t even spend time with each other but online…”

Wife: “Online they are the perfect couple. Did you know last week he refused to pick her up in the rain?”

Me: “Really?”

Wife: “Because the football was on; it took her an hour to get home!”

Me: “Oh, hang on. This is perfect.” *I dart off and return*

Me: “They are over the road at the pub. I can just see them from the upstairs window. They are both staring at their phones not even talking to each other.”

(Of course, whenever the conversation turned to them, life was perfect despite the obvious issues. Years later after much more strife they eventually went to couples counselling, in secret of course.)

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Met The Social Quota This Month

| UT, USA | Siblings, Spouses & Partners

(We have a calendar on the fridge so we can keep track of everyone’s plans. I’ve just updated the calendar and my husband sees it. Every Saturday has something written on it. Some of the events include my sister-in-law’s bridal shower, bachelorette party, and wedding. It sounds be noted that my husband is an introvert, and avoids most social gatherings when he can.)

Husband: “Do we really have something planned for every Saturday this month?”

Me: “Yeah, sorry.”

Husband: *pointing at calendar* “Well, I’m not going to this one, definitely not these two, and not this one!”

(The last one was his sister’s wedding.)

Husband: *laughing* “I’m just kidding. But, I’m not really excited about going.”

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Don’t Hamper My Plans

| VA, USA | Children, Spouses & Partners

(I am six months pregnant and I’m finalizing our baby registry. The last thing I need to get is a changing table and I’ve found one that I’m really excited about. I walk over to my husband and start describing it.)

Me: “And it even comes with its own hamper!”

Husband: “A hamper? I thought we were using a diaper pail?”

Me: “We are… The hamper is for his clothing.”

Husband: “Oh! I forgot babies don’t wear underwear!”

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Hot Gas Coming Out Both Ends

, | MD, USA | Popular, Spouses & Partners

(My husband and I are sitting on the couch while I nurse our two-week-old baby girl.)

Me: “Babe, when I’m done feeding her can you burp her and put her down for her nap?”

(He starts moaning and groaning while clutching his stomach.)

Me: *sarcastically* “Are you okay?”

Husband: “Owwww”

Me: “Babe, what’s wrong?”

Husband: “Ugh, it’s my stomach. It really really really hurts.”

(My husband is known for over exaggerating his pain and illnesses, just like my father did, so I know he’s probably just suffering from slight indigestion or just trying to get out of taking care of the baby.)

Me: “You’re fine. It’s probably something you ate, you big baby.”

Husband: “No. This really really hurts. You have no idea how bad this hurts! I can barely even move without it hurting!”

(Having just given birth to our daughter two weeks ago, I’m a little miffed at this comment.)

Me: “You’re saying your pain is so bad that even I wouldn’t understand how bad it is?”

Husband: “Ow, ow, ow! Yes!”

Me: “Oh, my God!”

(I sit the baby down in her crib and run to the phone to call my mother-in-law, who lives down the street.)

Husband: “What are you doing? Ow, ow, ow.”

Me: “I’m calling your mother to come over to watch the baby. I need to take you to the hospital!”

Husband: “No, no! Why would you need to do that? That’s not necessary! I’ll be fine… ow… ugh…”

Me: “Fine, but if you’re in pain worse than I could know then it must be serious and I’m at least taking you to an urgent care center!”

(I call my mother-in-law and she rushes right over to take care of the baby while I drive my husband to an urgent care center. The whole time he says he doesn’t need to go to the hospital and doesn’t need a doctor, but still continues to moan and groan and make claims that his stomach pain is worse than anything I could imagine. When we’re seen by the doctor he gives my husband a short physical examination and puts pressure on my husband’s stomach, causing him to pass gas loudly in the examination room.)

Doctor: *and me* “Hahahahahaha.”

Me: “So you’re trying to tell me that this horrible pain you’ve been experiencing, that was supposed to be worse than any pain I could possibly imagine, keeping in mind I just gave birth to your eight-pound baby two weeks ago after 48 hours of labor, ended up just being gas?!”

Husband: “No! It still hurts! It wasn’t gas!”

Doctor: “Okay, then. I guess I’ll continue my examination.” *winks at me*

(I sit there giggling and giving my husband sarcastic looks as he tries to claim that he is actually in pain and not just trying to get out of taking care of his newborn. Finally, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health and prescribes him some Tums for his “tummy troubles.” He pouts the whole car ride home.)

Me: “Proves you right for trying to pull one over on me.”

Husband: “I wasn’t! It really hurt!”

Me: “Babe… You had gas… Even our two-week-old baby doesn’t cry over that.”

Husband: “Whatever.” *continues pouting*

Me: “That was 100% worth the $15 co-pay. By the way, you’re definitely on diaper duty for the next 48 hours for pulling this little stunt.”

Husband: “Ughhhhhh.”

Me: “Uh oh! Better turn the car around! Sounds like someone has gas again!”

(I laughed the whole car ride home.)

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