Category: Spouses & Partners

Every Time You Get Your Grammar Wrong A Kitten Dies

| Petaluma, CA, USA | Spouses & Partners

(I head out to drop off our child and swing by the store for fresh fish for dinner while my husband stays behind to roast some vegetables and bring in our cats for the night. I return home, my quest for fish unsuccessful.)

Husband: “So what are we going to do for protein? I didn’t get more kitties.”

(Long horrified pause.)

Me: “Punctuation!”

Husband: “So, what are we going to do for protein. Period. Paragraph marker. I didn’t get more kitties. Period.”

Me: “Much better.”

Fighting A Losing Battle

| San Diego, CA, USA | Grandparents, Popular, Spouses & Partners

(My son is playing Battleship with his grandfather when the following exchange happens:)

Son: “I won!”

Grandfather: “No, I still have a boat left.”

Son: “I won!”

Grandfather: “You still have to find my boat.”

Son: “No. I. Won!”

(Hearing the heated words, my wife steps in.)

Wife: “Honey, you haven’t won yet. He still has a boat left.”

Son: “No! I! Won! On the board! I-1!”

Fullmetal Wizard

| Orem, UT, USA | Children, Popular, Spouses & Partners

(My husband is sitting at his computer with our one-year-old son on his lap. Earlier, he’d been watching an anime which centers around a pair of brothers who attempt to raise their mother from the dead, an effort which goes horribly wrong.)

Husband: “Okay, [Son], what should we watch? How about Fullmetal Alchemist?”

Me: “I’d rather he be a little older before he watches that. We don’t want him thinking he needs to do anything and everything to bring me back from the dead, should something happen. After all, there are things worse than death.”

Husband: “Like getting expelled from Hogwarts.”

(We wound up watching “Harry Potter” instead.)

Speaking Fluent Muffled Muffin

| Platteville, WI, USA | Popular, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

(We have just given our toddler mini muffins for the first time, so he doesn’t know what they’re called yet. A few minutes later, he comes up to me.)

Son: “Want one—” *deep throat sound*

Me: “What do you want?”

Son: *makes the same deep throaty sound*

(After a few seconds, it clicks.)

Me: *to my fiancé* “Oh, my gosh, he’s making the sound you would make if you tried to talk with a thick food in your mouth! That’s what he’s decided to call muffins.”

Fiancé: “Well, you obviously understood him, so it works.”

Terrible Twos Meets Terrible Dad Jokes

| Popular, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

(My two-year-old son runs into our office, where my husband is working.)

Son: “I wanna watch the Panda, Dad!”

Husband: “I’m not Panda Dad. I’m just regular dad.”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, you’re telling dad jokes already!”

The Key To Keron

| USA | Children, Popular, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

(My husband and I take our seven-year-old son to an anime convention, since he is a very big fan. I get a splitting headache after a while, so I go to rest in the car while my husband and son continue to browse the dealer hall. I get a text from my husband.)

Husband: “[Son] asked for a keychain of some anime frog, so I bought it for him. Then he handed it to me and said it was a gift. So I just bought myself a keychain of some anime frog.”

(He keeps it on his keyring now, and he still doesn’t know what show it’s from.)

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