Category: Spouses & Partners

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Hot Gas Coming Out Both Ends

, | MD, USA | Popular, Spouses & Partners

(My husband and I are sitting on the couch while I nurse our two-week-old baby girl.)

Me: “Babe, when I’m done feeding her can you burp her and put her down for her nap?”

(He starts moaning and groaning while clutching his stomach.)

Me: *sarcastically* “Are you okay?”

Husband: “Owwww”

Me: “Babe, what’s wrong?”

Husband: “Ugh, it’s my stomach. It really really really hurts.”

(My husband is known for over exaggerating his pain and illnesses, just like my father did, so I know he’s probably just suffering from slight indigestion or just trying to get out of taking care of the baby.)

Me: “You’re fine. It’s probably something you ate, you big baby.”

Husband: “No. This really really hurts. You have no idea how bad this hurts! I can barely even move without it hurting!”

(Having just given birth to our daughter two weeks ago, I’m a little miffed at this comment.)

Me: “You’re saying your pain is so bad that even I wouldn’t understand how bad it is?”

Husband: “Ow, ow, ow! Yes!”

Me: “Oh, my God!”

(I sit the baby down in her crib and run to the phone to call my mother-in-law, who lives down the street.)

Husband: “What are you doing? Ow, ow, ow.”

Me: “I’m calling your mother to come over to watch the baby. I need to take you to the hospital!”

Husband: “No, no! Why would you need to do that? That’s not necessary! I’ll be fine… ow… ugh…”

Me: “Fine, but if you’re in pain worse than I could know then it must be serious and I’m at least taking you to an urgent care center!”

(I call my mother-in-law and she rushes right over to take care of the baby while I drive my husband to an urgent care center. The whole time he says he doesn’t need to go to the hospital and doesn’t need a doctor, but still continues to moan and groan and make claims that his stomach pain is worse than anything I could imagine. When we’re seen by the doctor he gives my husband a short physical examination and puts pressure on my husband’s stomach, causing him to pass gas loudly in the examination room.)

Doctor: *and me* “Hahahahahaha.”

Me: “So you’re trying to tell me that this horrible pain you’ve been experiencing, that was supposed to be worse than any pain I could possibly imagine, keeping in mind I just gave birth to your eight-pound baby two weeks ago after 48 hours of labor, ended up just being gas?!”

Husband: “No! It still hurts! It wasn’t gas!”

Doctor: “Okay, then. I guess I’ll continue my examination.” *winks at me*

(I sit there giggling and giving my husband sarcastic looks as he tries to claim that he is actually in pain and not just trying to get out of taking care of his newborn. Finally, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health and prescribes him some Tums for his “tummy troubles.” He pouts the whole car ride home.)

Me: “Proves you right for trying to pull one over on me.”

Husband: “I wasn’t! It really hurt!”

Me: “Babe… You had gas… Even our two-week-old baby doesn’t cry over that.”

Husband: “Whatever.” *continues pouting*

Me: “That was 100% worth the $15 co-pay. By the way, you’re definitely on diaper duty for the next 48 hours for pulling this little stunt.”

Husband: “Ughhhhhh.”

Me: “Uh oh! Better turn the car around! Sounds like someone has gas again!”

(I laughed the whole car ride home.)

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Putting You On Trial

| AB, Canada | Children, Popular, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

(I am curling my hair for fun. I normally wear it straight down or up in the “mom-bun”. I turn to our nine-year-old son to ask his opinion of it.)

Me: “How do I look?”

Son: “Normal.”

(Then I hear my husband whispering to our son about how to answer that question when a girl asks him. I jokingly yell:)

Me: “No, no! No coaching him!”

Husband: “Why not?”

Me: “He has to go through the ‘trial by fire’!”

Husband: “Noooo!”

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Uncultured Club

| NS, Canada | Popular, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

(We are preparing to head out for the day and my husband is watching videos on his computer, ranging from 90’s rap back to disco, including a couple of Culture Club’s songs. I go to our bathroom to finish up, and our son goes to the other bathroom and my husband is in our bedroom nearer to me.)

Husband: *singing* “Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?”

Son: *yelling from other end of house* “If it will get you to shut up, YES!”

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