Category: Cousins

Mammal Superiority Complex

| Charlottetown, PEI, Canada | Cousins

(While visiting my cousin’s house, this conversation comes up.)

Me: “Did you hear they recently found a dinosaur tail embedded in amber?”

Cousin: “Dinosaurs didn’t exist.”

(I just stare at her for a few seconds.)

Me: “Then, what do you think all those fossils are?”

Cousin: “Mammals.”

Me: “The only mammals at the time were small rat-like creatures.”

Cousin: “Maybe it was rats.”

Me: “What kind of rats have feathers?”

Cousin: “Maybe it was birds.”

Me: “While dinosaurs are very similar to birds they are very lizard like.”

Cousin: “Maybe it was giant lizards.”

(I left shortly after that.)

It Takes A Real Man

| USA | Cousins, Spouses & Partners

(My cousin and I are out to lunch, just chatting and catching up. Both of us are married. I have a toddler and she has a set of twins who are about a year younger than my son.)

Cousin: “I don’t know how you do it! You have a full time career, then come home and are a great mom, AND you are starting up a business! I can’t imagine how you get everything done.”

Me: “I can only do it because of [Husband]. He’s a stay at home dad and watches [Toddler] all day, supports me 100% in my career, and is helping me by doing most of the background work to get the business up and running. Most of the credit goes to him. He really does most of the hard work.”

Cousin: “Well, yeah, I mean, I guess he helps out some, but really, you’re an inspiration and I don’t know how you juggle everything that you have going on.”

Me: “Thank you, but it really is all him.”

(My cousin dropped the subject after that.)

Not Getting Any Kick Out Of It

| USA | Cousins

(My friend wants a particular specialty costume/foreign clothing item and finds it can only be easily obtained in the USA. I offer to pick one up for him while on a short shopping trip from Canada. I take my cousin with me. Coming back, I find that the item doesn’t come with a full receipt, so the border guard is looking it up online to verify its value and it is taking him awhile to find it.)

Cousin: “Well, I hope [Friend] appreciates you picking this up for him!”

(I am horrified, because my step-sister had recently gotten in trouble for bringing an item back for her dad as a gift and had paid massive duty fees when they found it was not for her own “personal use and consumption.”)

Me: “Oh, no, I wanted that for ME.”

(I am hoping she will get the hint and stop talking. But no.)

Cousin: *loudly* “But I thought it was for [Friend], since we stopped and got the money for it, and now his stupid [Item] is what’s keeping us!”

(Trying to shut her up, I lightly kick her under the customs counter.)

Cousin: *turning and SCREECHING at me* “Did you just kick me under the counter?!”

Me: “No.”

Cousin: “Yes, you DID. You KICKED ME!”

(I figure we are going to get in trouble; you don’t screw around with border agents. As it turns out, the item in question is not covered by the “personal use and consumption” rule so I just pay my tax and leave. Once we get out in the car and drove away I explain to my cousin.)

Cousin: “Well, I didn’t know!”

Me: “I know you didn’t know, but the NEXT time someone kicks you under the table anywhere, assume there is a good reason, and GRAB A CLUE AND SHUT IT!”

Bop-It To The Next Generation

| Louisville, KY, USA | Cousins

(My fourteen-year-old cousin is visiting for the weekend. I’m 26. This exchange takes place while we’re watching videos together.)

Cousin: “Do you know what ‘Bop-It’ is?”

Me: “I was playing ‘Bop-It’ before you were born.”

That “Stuff” Is Gross

| UK | Cousins, LGTBQ

(My cousin from away has visited us. He has just found out that my brother is gay and is unusually keen to understand more.)

Cousin: *suddenly* “What does it taste like?”

Brother: *lifting his head up from a book and noticing who [Cousin] talking to* “What does what taste like?”

Cousin: “You know, the stuff.”

Brother: “What stuff?”

Cousin: “The… semen?”

Brother: “I’m fourteen.”

Cousin: “So?”

Brother: “I’m a virgin.”

Cousin: “Can’t you taste your own?”

(My brother suddenly had a deer in the headlights moment before retiring to his bedroom. My cousin never got an answer. I still don’t know if he tasted his own “stuff.”)

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