Category: Cousins

An Unfriendly Turn Of Events

| San Diego, CA, USA | Cousins

(My cousin has just put out refreshments on the coffee table.)

Cousin: *to everyone* “Come and enjoy, friends!”

Me: *jokingly* “I’m not your friend, [Cousin].”

Cousin: “Fine, then. Don’t enjoy. Choke and die.”

Already Have What God Is Selling

| London, England, UK | Cousins, Popular

(My immediate family have recently moved house, along with my cousin who is currently living with us and from a fairly strict Jehovah’s Witness family. The doorbell rings and I answer to find two middle aged women at the door.)

Lady #1: “Hello, Jehovah’s Witnesses here. Would you like to talk about—”

Me: “No, thanks, we’ve already got one.”

Lady #1: *looking confused* “Umm. We’re not selling anything; we’re talking about God. We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

Me: “Yeah, I know. We’ve already got one.”

(I then explained that my cousin was already the same religion but hadn’t joined up with the local Kingdom Hall yet.)

Should Hammer Home That Definition

| Easton, PA, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Popular

(My cousin is four going on five years old. My uncle is putting something together.)

Uncle: “[Cousin], can you hand me that hammer?”

Cousin: “What’s a hammer?”

Uncle: “How do you not know what a hammer is?”

Me: “[Cousin], he wants you to hand him the Bang-Bang Stick.”

Cousin: “Oh!” *walks over and grabs the hammer off the table*

Boys Are More Pig-Headed

| WA, USA | Cousins

(My two cousins and my brother are playing a game where we have a farm together and are trying to get a piglet. We have a female pig, but not a male. We ask the youngest cousin to make the ‘phone call’ on the fake phone we have acquired.)

Me: “[Cousin], repeat after me: Hello, I would like—”

Youngest Cousin: “HI, I WANT A MALE PIG, BYE!”

(It takes us about five minutes to stop laughing.)

Agents Of S.T.U.P.I.D

| Blackpool, England, UK | Cousins, Siblings

(Note: none of us drink and are HUGE Marvel fans. My sister, two cousins, and I are talking and playing a game where you name the characters/actors that start with this letter:)

Sister: “I like this game; it’s fun.”

Me: “Yeah, well it’s my turn and we are on the letter ‘O.'”

Cousin #1: “Take your turn.”

Me: “‘O.’ I don’t remember any character starting with ‘O.’ How about Olsen?”

(I am talking about Elizabeth Olsen who plays the Scarlet Witch in Age of Ultron.)

Sister: “Are you stupid?”

Cousin #2: “Why, What happened?”

Sister: “It’s not Olsen; it’s Coulson.”

Me: “No, I mean Olsen.”

Sister: “No, it’s Coulson.”

Me: “Foolish human, it’s Olsen, as in Elizabeth Olsen: Scarlet Witch.”

Sister: “OH! THAT MAKES SENSE. Which dummy said Coulson?”

Must Have Missed That Particular Episode?

| Portland, OR, USA | Cousins

(I have two partners, which my cousin knows, but I don’t think I’ve called myself polyamorous in front of her. She doesn’t really “get” it, so I don’t push it. I am about to visit her.)

Cousin: *on Facebook* “I love poly drama!”

(I don’t know any other definitions of that term but I’m nervous to ask. I go to her house, where she is watching ‘The West Wing.’)

Cousin: “I hope that this show isn’t boring for you. I just love poly dramas!”

Me: “Oh, political drama! Oh, yeah, I like them too.”

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