Category: Cousins

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Bop-It To The Next Generation

| Louisville, KY, USA | Cousins

(My fourteen-year-old cousin is visiting for the weekend. I’m 26. This exchange takes place while we’re watching videos together.)

Cousin: “Do you know what ‘Bop-It’ is?”

Me: “I was playing ‘Bop-It’ before you were born.”

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That “Stuff” Is Gross

| UK | Cousins, LGTBQ

(My cousin from away has visited us. He has just found out that my brother is gay and is unusually keen to understand more.)

Cousin: *suddenly* “What does it taste like?”

Brother: *lifting his head up from a book and noticing who [Cousin] talking to* “What does what taste like?”

Cousin: “You know, the stuff.”

Brother: “What stuff?”

Cousin: “The… semen?”

Brother: “I’m fourteen.”

Cousin: “So?”

Brother: “I’m a virgin.”

Cousin: “Can’t you taste your own?”

(My brother suddenly had a deer in the headlights moment before retiring to his bedroom. My cousin never got an answer. I still don’t know if he tasted his own “stuff.”)

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Facebook Is Second Cousin To Family Trees

| Belgium | Cousins, Parents & Guardians

(I am teaching my mother how to use Facebook, and am using my account to explain everything.)

Me: “So over here you can see who wants to be your friends, though you only should add people you know.”

Mom: “Why would people add friends they don’t know?”

Me: “I don’t know, because they want to scam them or something? See, here? There is a friend request from someone I have never met or recognize, so I will just ignore her request like so—” *moves mouse to the ignore button*

Mom: “Euhm… [My Name], that’s your cousin.”

Me: “What? I don’t have a cousin called [Name].”

Mom: “Yes, you do; she’s the youngest daughter of [Dad’s Sister]. She is a year older than [Brother]. You guys went to the same primary school.”

Me: “What? I thought she was called [Uncle’s Last Name].”

Mom: “No, he’s not their father. [Aunt]’s first husband is.”

Me: “Ah, I’ll better add her, then, or we won’t hear the end of it at family gatherings.”

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A Very Healthy Scent

| ON, Canada | Children, Cousins

(My extended family are having dinner at a restaurant. While we are eating, my four-year-old cousin goes up to my mom to cuddle with her. She is known for her brutally honest “compliments,” while my mom loves to wear perfume.)

Cousin: *to my mom* “You smell like flowers.”

Mom: “Aww, thank yo—”

Cousin: *very seriously* “Cauliflowers.”

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Getting Ahead Of Themselves

| MO, USA | Cousins, Nephews & Nieces

(My mom bought a gingerbread house kit, including gingerbread people, and my sister and I put it together. She’s 15, I’m 30, and I have a weird sense of humor. I cut the head off of one gingerbread person and have the other holding it. Family comes over the next day for Christmas lunch.)

Niece: *sees gingerbread house and suddenly distraught* “Where’s his head!?”

Cousin: “Cool!”

Me & Sister: *snickering to ourselves at the kids’ table*

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