Category: Cousins

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Older, Not Wiser

| Brampton, ON, Canada | Cousins, Popular

(I am four years old and visiting an older cousin.)

Me: “How old are you?”

Cousin: “I’m seven.”

Me: “I want to be older!”

Cousin: “Well, you’re not.”

(Four years later it’s my eighth birthday and the whole family is at my home, including my cousin.)

Me: “Hey, [Cousin]!”

Cousin: “What?”

Me: “I’m older than you now!”

Cousin: “No, you’re not.”

Me: “Yeah, you’re seven but now I’m eight.”

Cousin: “I’m 11 now.”

Me: “You were 7 last time I saw you.”

Cousin: “Did you really thing you would get older but everyone else would stay the same age?”

Me: *realizing how stupid this was* “Oh… that doesn’t make sense. I guess you’re right.”

Cousin: “Let’s go in the bounce house!”

(We both ran to the bounce house and didn’t bring this conversation up again.)

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Smoking Kills

| Derby, England, UK | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins, Popular

(We’re at the wake for my grandma, and I excuse myself for some “fresh air,” i.e. a cigarette. My cousin decides to come with me, and as I walk outside I light up…)

Cousin: “Wait a minute! You lied! You said you were going for fresh air!”

Me: “You actually thought I meant fresh air?”

Cousin: “Of course I did! I’m telling on you! Look, here comes [Aunt].”

(My aunt, my cousin’s mother, comes outside, and lights up, too. My cousin’s been living in Ireland for some time, so didn’t know her mother had started smoking again.)

Cousin: “Oh, my god, you too?! You’re all terrible! I’m telling!”

Aunt: “Who’re you gonna tell, my mum?”

(At that we all just cracked up, and it took several minutes for us to collect ourselves. Gallows humour isn’t for everyone, but by god does it run in our family.)

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Out To Get Some Tail

| East Midlands, England, UK | Cousins, Pets & Animals, Popular

(After searching long and hard for a male gerbil to try and bond with my current gerbil I finally find one. It’s quite a journey and a rescue worker ends up dropping him off at my cousin’s home where I will be later that day. This conversation takes place later that day.)

Cousin: “So what’re you going to do with it?”

Me: “It’s going to be friends with the other gerbil I have.”

Cousin: “Will they have babies?”

Me: “No, they’re both boys. It’s fine.”

Cousin: “Well, it’d be all right, anyway. All you have to do is pull its tail off.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Cousin: “Yeah, it’s like with dogs. If you take their tails off they can’t have babies!”

(I’d like to say my cousin was a child, but no. She was 18 at the time.)

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