(My three-year-old brother is out shopping with my mum. They have just approached the ‘feminine hygiene’ aisle of the store.)

Brother: *at the top of his voice* “Look, mum! There are those smokes that you stick up your bum!”

(Mother turns beet red with embarrassment, and runs down the rest of the aisle.)

Mom: “Hey, can you run a little errand for me?”

Me: “Sure.”

Mom: “Okay, here’s the list.”

(I go to the supermarket to buy the things that are listed. One item on the list is ‘chicken thai’. I chalk it up as awkward wording and go to the frozen foods section. Over there, I pick up a few prepackaged meals that claim to be ‘Thai Cuisine’ and contain chicken.)

Me: “Okay, I’m back.”

(I hand the groceries over to my mom, and she goes through them to make sure I got everything.)

Mom: *picks up frozen meal* “What’s this?”

Me: “It’s some Thai chicken thing.”

Mom: “Why would you get that?”

Me: “It was on the list.” *points to item on list*

Mom: “No! I need chicken thighs!”

Me: “No, what you need is a dictionary.”

(My mother is browsing the shelves looking for a bottle of Johnny Walker’s Whiskey. She has a really bad short term memory, so my step-dad has told her to remember it’s the ‘sex’ whiskey she wants. ‘Johnny’ being slang for ‘condom’.)

Employee: “Can I help you?”

Mother: “Oh, erm… I’m looking for a bottle of… what was it again?”

(She thinks for a moment, and then remembers what my step-dad had said.)

Mother: “Oh yes! Do you have any Wanker’s Whiskey?”

(My best friend, who doesn’t visit often as she lives in the city, accompanies my 5 year old sister and me to the supermarket. We takw out three sodas in glass pints.)

5-year-old Sister: “You don’t have to worry how we will get these open, you know.”

Friend: “Oh, really?”

5-year-old Sister: “Yeah! At home we have a hooker to open bottles for us!”

(My brother is about 4 years old. He runs off, so my mother and I are looking for him. I find him at the registers, where one of the cashiers is talking to him.)

Cashier: “Where is your mommy and daddy, sweetie?”

Little brother: *looking very sad* “I don’t have a mommy or daddy. I am all alone in this world.”