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    Ghandi: The Warlord Wizard

    | USA | Grandparents

    Grandmother: “So what did you learn in school today?”

    Me: “We watched a movie about Gandhi in history class.”

    Grandmother: “Gandhi? Wasn’t he that warlord in Night at the Museum?”

    Me: “…that’s Genghis Khan.”

    Grandmother: “Oh…”

    Me: “They’re not even remotely alike! How do you even get those two mixed up?”

    Grandmother: “They both start with ‘G’ and were in movies?”

    Me: “So was Gandalf, but you don’t see anyone confusing them!”

    Bringing Up A Sore Subject

    | Australia | Friends, Sons & Daughters

    (I was spending time with my neighbour after she’d had a long day with the kids. Her 13-year-old son was nearby at this moment. Note that her freezer lives under the house.)

    Friend: *excited* “After a day like today I thought I’d treat myself. I brought up a couple of white chocolate ice creams this afternoon.”

    Son: “Well, you also brought up four children. Why don’t you get excited about that anymore?”

    A Slap With The Age Gap

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My mother happens to pass by the desk where I’m doing homework and sees a glass half full of water on it.)

    Mom: “WHAT IS THAT DOING THERE!? That glass could spill and cause damage to the table! Get it off RIGHT NOW! I can’t believe you’d be stupid and lazy enough to put it there.”

    Me: “I didn’t put it there. [Younger Sister] was using it and left it there last night when I was doing homework.”

    Mom: “Well, it wasn’t her fault since she’s so little. You’re older so should have stopped her. How could you do this!?”

    Me: “My sister’s 14 and I’m 16. And I had headphones in and was staring at a computer screen, so how was I to know?”

    Mom: “It’s still your fault.”

    (This kind of thing happens on a daily basis.)

    The Prisoner Of Astrakhan

    | MA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (It’s a lovely Saturday and I’m hanging out in a park when my phone rings. It should be noted that I’m a complete bookworm.)

    Mom: “Can I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Erm… okay.”

    Mom: “What does ‘astrakhan’ mean?”

    Me: “It’s a curly furry fabric, usually wool. Why?”

    Mom: “Oh, it’s in my book and I didn’t know what it meant.”

    Me: “So… why didn’t you go look it up?”

    Mom: “Well, it’s such a nice day, and I’m out here on the deck reading and I didn’t want to get up, so I thought I’d call and ask you.”

    Me: “I’m not ACTUALLY a dictionary, you know…”

    Mom: “Yes, you are. Now, while I’ve got you, what’s the difference between ‘mnemonic’ and ‘pneumonic?’”

    Me: *sigh*

    Woke Up On The Wrong Side Of The Bed

    | Australia | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (My uncle turns up at Mum’s place early one morning. He starts accusing Mum of leaving my Grandmother at home alone. My parents have been looking after her for 30 years with absolutely no assistance from siblings.)

    Uncle: *to Mum* “Where were you last night?”

    Mum: “We were here, why?”

    Uncle: “That’s not what I was told; Mum called me to say there was no one home, she was alone, and had no idea where you were.”

    Mum: “We’ve been here all night.”

    Uncle: “Well, when Mum rang me she told me that she’d been calling out at the bottom of the stairs and was getting no answers. Where were you?”

    Mum: “What time did she call you?”

    Uncle: “3 am. Leaving her alone at that time of night. I’s disgusting. WHERE WERE YOU?”

    Mum: “Asleep in bed, where I am every night at that time.”

    Uncle: “Why didn’t you answer her?”

    Mum: “Probably because I was asleep upstairs. Why did you wait five hours to come and check on her?”

    Uncle: “I was in bed.”

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