(My dad talks in his sleep. One day, he falls asleep on the couch.)

Dad: “The spiders are funny.”

Me: “Like, ‘ha-ha’ funny, or ‘weird’ funny?”

Dad: “THE CYBERMEN ATE ALL MY DEAD PEOPLE!”

Me: “Poor dead people.”

Dad: “What about my senior trip? Man the compass!”

Me: “Land off the starboard bow!”

Dad: “Good girl.” *snore*

Step-mom: “And if there was ever any doubt about you two being related, that right there would shut them up.”

(My little brother is 17 years old. He’s hugely socially awkward, and terrified of most new people. He’s developmentally challenged and can’t really be left alone. My mother asks me to stop by her place and watch him on a night I have planned to watch movies with my girlfriend, so I just bring her along. My brother picks ‘Sweeney Todd’, a movie where people are killed and turned into pies.)

Brother: *grabbing his ear and rocking back and forth* “You know I read on the internet you can get really sick from eating people, so the police would know they made people pies, wouldn’t they? I don’t like that it doesn’t add up.”

(He stops, and then stares at my girlfriend thinking he’s creeping her out.)

Girlfriend: *smiles* “Oh, do you know what those types of sicknesses are called?”

(He shakes his head, letting go of his ear to look up at her, puzzled.)

Girlfriend: “You know, in a lot of cases, you have to eat a specific people part to get those sicknesses, and it can take five years or more for the signs to show up. Do you remember how this ends?”

Brother: *gleefully and clapping* “IN THE FURNACE!”

Me: “Well, at least he’s not nervous anymore. On a side note, why do you know that?”

Girlfriend: “Well, I remember reading about mad cow variants a few years ago, and I was curious.”

Me: “You and curiosity…”

Brother: “She’s like a kitty!” *pauses* “But let’s hope it doesn’t kill you.”

(She’s the first non-family member my brother has become comfortable with really quickly. She’s a science major and can simplify things easily so my brother LOVES talking to her.)

(My brothers and I are playing ‘Trivial Pursuit’, and it’s my little brother’s turn. Also relevant, for those who haven’t read it, is that in ‘The Hobbit’, Bilbo and Gollum have a riddle contest, and Bilbo wins one round by accident.)

Older brother: *reading the question* “If you’re a tourist in France, and ask someone for directions, and they reply ‘Je ne sais pas‘, what do they mean?”

(My younger brother, who studied Spanish instead of French, clearly doesn’t know the answer.)

Younger brother: “I don’t know.”

Older brother: *looking at me* “Hobbit moment?”

Me: *nodding in agreement* “Hobbit moment.”

(We gave him the point.)

(I am talking to my dad about his upcoming 50th birthday as we pick up prescriptions and leave the store.)

Me: “Are you scared about getting older?”

Dad: “Nope.”

Me: “Do you feel like you’re getting older?”

Dad: “Nope.”

Me: “Do you think you’ll ever feel like a forgetful, wrinkly old man?”

Dad: “Nope.”

Cashier: *running out from the store after us* “Sir! You forgot your credit card!”

Related:
A Great Case Of Old Timers

(My cousin and I are playing the alphabet game with animals.)

Me: “Ape”

Cousin: “Blobfish.”

Me: “What?”

Cousin: “It’s a fish that lives in the deep.”

Me: “Okay…Camel.”

Cousin: “Dzo.”

Me: “What?”

Cousin: “A yak and domestic cattle hybrid.”

Me: “Okay…Elephant.”

Cousin: “Fossa.”

Me: “Gerbil.”

Cousin: “Hutia.”

Me: *blank stare*

Cousin: “A rodent.”

Me: “Alright, I’m done with this game.”

(My 9-year-old son earlier in the evening ripped a book out of his 9 year old cousin’s hand, getting himself in trouble. We are on the way home.)

Son: “Mom, I think I will ground myself for being mean today.”

Me: “Okay, for how long?”

Son: “Until tomorrow evening.”

(He has been very serious up to this point, and when we get home, he proceeds to write a note and tapes it to his door.)

Note: “Do not bother me, only when its important. I’m not kidding! P.S. knock on the door if important.”

(After seeing this, I chuckle and go in his room to give him a good night kiss.)

Son: “Mom, you didn’t knock!”

(My mother is convinced that life should be about avoiding offending everybody on the planet, even if you don’t know that person.)

Me: “At some point, I want to get a black cat and name it ‘Mephistopheles’, and one of those cow-spotted cats and name it ‘Faust’.”

Mom: “Why in the world would you do that? You would offend your Christian friends!”

Me: “Well, mother, for one thing I think my friends would understand it’s a literary reference. And, for two, the only people I can think of who would be offended by that, are not people I would allow into my home or be friends with.”

Mom: “But, it would offend them! You can’t name a cat after a devil character!”

Me: “Mom, the cat in Disney’s Cinderella is named ‘Lucifer’. I don’t think people will care if I name a cat ‘Mephistopheles’. Especially since, if you had actually read ‘Faust’, you would know that ‘Mephistopheles’ does not get ‘Faust’s’ soul. It’s purely for the literary reference.”

Mom: “Hmph. Don’t let the neighbors here you say that. They won’t like it.”

(My sister has a fear of talking on the phone and is easily flustered. I called her at home a couple minutes ago, and am now calling back.)

Sister: “Hello?”

Me: “Did you just pick up and then hang up on me?”

Sister: “Yeah. Sorry. I was on my cell phone, then the other phone rang, and I panicked!”