(I am the youngest of six kids, and my mother has had glaucoma for 30 years. Her eyesight is not good at all. We are chatting on the phone, and she tells me that she has just renewed her driver’s license, but she prefaces it with this:)

Mom: “I have good news! Well, my kids don’t think it’s such good news, but you might.”

Me: “Gee thanks, mom. Is there something else you want to tell me?”

(My dad and I are notorious for making bad jokes. We’re each discussing our days.)

Brother: “—and so then she threw the rest of the owl pellet at me at the end of the dissection.”

(My dad’s face lights up like he’s about to make a joke. We all groan a little. I strike a pose.)

Me: “Everybody brace yourselves; a bad joke is coming.”

Dad: “Actually, no, I’ve decided not to make that one into a joke.”

(Mom turns to my brother.)

Mom: “ Affirmed, Agent J. The training has begun to succeed.”

(I am having dinner with my mother. My boyfriend’s name starts with the letter D, and my mom loves to be clever.)

Mom: “When are you hanging out with ‘The Big D’ next?”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “Your boyfriend?”

Me: “Don’t call him that!”

Mom: “Why not? I know what it means!”

(I walk into my kitchen to see my mom brandishing a pair of tongs at my brother.)

Mom: “These are tongs; thongs are something that goes on your butt!”

(I stand there awkwardly until by brother sees me.)

Brother: “She just randomly said that! I don’t know!”

(I’ve called my brother to wish him a happy birthday, then passed the phone to our three-year-old niece.)

Niece: “Hi, uncle [name]! Happy birthday! We’re watching a movie with auntie.”

(There is a pause, and then she points at the TV.)

Niece: “This one.”

(There is another pause, and she slips off the couch and walks right up to the TV.)

Niece: “ THIS ONE!”

(She then grabs the movie case, and holds it over her head.)

Niece: “ THIIIIISSSSS OOONNNNNNEEE!”

Me: “Sweetie, if you can’t see uncle, then he can’t see you.”

(She slowly looks around the room, then speaks calmly.)

Niece: “Oh! We’re watching Muppets.”