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    I Can’t Has Cheezburgers

    | Shellharbour, NSW, Australia | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I am about four years old. The local ‘Carols by Candlelight’ is happening in my local area. Many mascots for the companies endorsing the event are walking around including Ronald McDonald. My mum lets my neighbour take me to meet Ronald. I come back crying.)

    Mum: *to our neighbor* “Why is she crying?”

    Neighbour: “I don’t know. She just started crying so I brought her back.”

    Mum: *to me* “Why are you crying?”

    Me: *through tears* “Because Ronald McDonald didn’t give me a cheeseburger!”

    (My mum and the rest of my family now like to bring this up as often as possible, especially over Christmas!)

    Good Wine Is All Gravy

    | Denver, CO, USA | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (My mom and I are at a liquor store buying wine and beer for Christmas. I have finished paying for my purchases and am waiting for my mom. My mom puts two bottles of her favorite red wine on the counter. The wine label has a large rooster on it. It’s been a long week, and I’m pretty tired.)

    Me: “Is that the red wine? The… the chicken wine?”

    (I’ve said this loud enough for the whole line to hear me. My mom and the cashier stare at me. The cashier looks like he’s trying really hard not to laugh.)

    Cashier: “Yep. It’s the chicken wine.”

    Mom: “The chicken wine. Good one, dear.”

    (She finishes paying for her wine.)

    Mom: *to cashier* “Have a nice evening. I hope we were able to provide you with a little bit of amusement.”

    Me: “That’s what I’m here for!”

    Jumping The Gun On That One

    | CO, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Children, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (I am 21 years old and am a competitive long range shooter. My parents have just gotten me a rather expensive new rifle for Christmas. My aunt and cousin are visiting while I open it. My cousin has just turned 10. He walks in the room with large glass of eggnog.)

    Dad: “Um… You do know that the eggnog is alcoholic right?”

    Aunt: “Oh, don’t even think of giving me crap about my parenting. You are the one raising a murderer.”

    Dad & Me: “WHAT!?”

    Aunt: “You gave that boy a rifle. Everyone knows he’s going to kill someone either by accident or on purpose!”

    Dad: “First off, he’s 21. He’s not a ‘boy’ anymore. He has been competing for years, has taken multiple gun safety courses, and only uses it at designated ranges. Trust me. Safety is a big deal at those events.”

    Aunt: “Gah, don’t you people watch the news! Guns kill people. That’s what they are made for!”

    (My aunt throws the car keys at her son.)

    Aunt: “Go pull the car around and I’ll grab our stuff. We are leaving. These people are dangerous.”

    Dad: “No. I’m not going to let you give car keys to an intoxicated 10 year old.”

    (My aunt still storms out. Fortunately, we got the keys away from my cousin and they took a cab instead of driving.)

    Perhaps He Could Google It

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m home with my mother and father for Christmas. My father is on the phone with my sister. My mother and father are both notorious for mixing up their children’s names. My name begins with an ‘I.’)

    Father: *on the phone* “Sophia just came home.”

    Sister:I’m Sophia.”

    Father: “Yes, of course. I mean I… Internet, just came home. No, that’s not her name. What’s her name?”

    (I guess I do help him a lot with his computer issues…)

    How To Train Your Children

    | Felton, DE, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s Christmas, I’m three and my brother is five. He’s gotten a train set and one of my toys is a tiny doll baby. While my parents are out of the room, he tries to take my baby and put it in the train, but my grandmother stops him. She then leaves the room, and this is caught on camera.)

    Brother: *stops the train in front of us, yanks the doll baby from my hands, and shoves it into the train*

    Me: *starts screaming and crying*

    Dad: *from down the hall* “Bud, what happened?”

    Brother: “I don’t know! She just put her doll baby in the train and started screaming!”

    Mom: “Are you lying to us, [Brother]?”

    Brother: “No!”

    (My mother comes into the room, stops the train and takes the baby out, then hands it to me.)

    Mom: “Don’t put your doll baby in the train, okay?”

    Me: “Okay.”


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