I Swear I Heard Whispering

| USA | Cousins, Grandparents

(We have family visiting for the holidays, so my cousin and I have taken refuge in my room to play video games. There’s no noise rule in our house as long as it’s not an unreasonable hour, so we have the TV up pretty loud. My grandmother walks in to talk to us right as we get into an unpausable, unskippable cutscene with a character whose vocabulary consists mostly of swear words. My cousin is frantically trying to mute or turn off the TV before my grandmother gets offended, but she’s standing directly in front of the TV and blocking the signal.)

Grandma: “So I’d just like to tell you girls that you were both a little too loud last night. I could hear you both whispering all the way down the hall. I would appreciate it if you both would be a little quieter tonight while people are trying to sleep.”

Me: *cringing from the language coming from the speakers* “Okay, Grandma…”

(She finally notices my cousin frantically hitting the mute button on the TV remote and looks at the TV.)

Grandma: “Oh… were you both watching a movie?”

Cousin: “Yeah, we’re playing a video game…”

Grandma: “Oh. I didn’t even hear it. Sorry to interrupt. Well, go back to your game now.”

Cousin: “Did she just seriously complain that she can hear us whispering from down the hall and then not hear the cluster F-bombs blaring from the speaker right behind her?”

Me: “Yep. This is going on the Internet…”

A Recipe For Disaster

| NY, USA | Siblings

(My brother, 27, is visiting me, 23, for the weekend, and he offers to go to the grocery store for me while I’m in rehearsal. I leave a shopping list on my desk.)

Brother: *over text* “How do I buy 1/4 cup milk?”

Me: “What?!”

Brother: “And 2 tsp baking soda?”

Me: “Wait. Did you take the poundcake recipe to the store instead of the shopping list?”

Hasn’t Had His Fill Yet

| PA, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Grandparents

(It’s Thanksgiving and my family is eating dinner. My grandfather is getting irate because everyone’s eating all the filling, which is like stuffing but made with potatoes, because he likes to have them as leftovers. My uncle, being the smart-a** that he is, seems to find this hilarious.)

Grandmother: “So, is everybody ready for dessert?”

Uncle: “Nope. I’m just waiting for some more of that filling!”

(He then proceeded to get a massive plate of filling, sat down next to my grandfather with it, covered it with whipped cream, and ate it for dessert. There were no leftovers.)

Haven’t Heard From Them Since

I-told-my-relatives..

Very Book-smart

| NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

Me: *playing on iPod*

Family: *watching TV in the same room*

Mom: “Put down your iPod.”

Dad: *sarcastically* “Yeah, put down the little screen and stare at the bigger screen!”

Mom: “…”

Dad & Me: *laugh*

Mom: “Well, she’s isolating herself from the family!”

Me: “Mom, if I were reading a book, and thereby in your logic ‘isolating myself,’ would you still tell me to put the book down?”

Mom: “…”

Was No Honeymoon Boon

| Lexington, KY, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m about six years old, and my mother has recently remarried.)

Me: “Mom, what’s a honeymoon?”

Mom: “Um… It’s where couples go once they get married so they can get to know each other a little better.”

Me: “Oh. Did you get to know [Stepdad] better on your honeymoon?”

Mom: *disappointed* “No… not really.”

(Almost 20 years later, I suddenly remembered what she said, and it finally dawned on me what she meant by it. I’m really wishing I could forget it again.)


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