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    The Starch Truth

    | Pocano Mountains, PA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (We’re on vacation one summer with our mom, who is a professional chef and therefore takes cooking seriously. The hotel room comes with a full kitchen, so we’re deciding what to make for dinner.)

    Me: “Okay, so I’m making chicken fettuccine. What should I make to go with that?”

    Sister: “I want a baked potato!”

    Me: “Ooh, that sounds good! All right, so I’m making chicken fettuccine with baked potatoes.”

    Mom: “You can’t do that! They’re both starches!”

    Me: “So?”

    Mom: “So you can’t have two starches together in a meal!”

    Sister: “But I want a baked potato…”

    Me: “Yeah, mom. I don’t think anyone cares up here if we eat two starches.”

    Mom: “But you can’t have two starches! You have to have something else, like a vegetable!”

    Me: “Mom, I really don’t think the culinary police are going to drive all the way up to the mountains to fine us for having two starches with our meal. We’re on vacation, so I say if [Sister] and I want baked potatoes with our pasta, then d*** it, we’re going to have baked potatoes with our pasta!”

    (In the end she relented. Because my sister and I are jerks, we decided to also add French fries as a side just to annoy her. Our youngest sister left a ‘ticket’ on my mom’s pillow for having more than one starch at dinner, signed ‘The Culinary Police.’)

    Mind Is Hooked To The Gutter

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom and I are checking out of a hotel in Las Vegas at about 4:00 in the morning to catch an early flight. My mom can be a little innocent and oblivious at times. A woman wearing high heels and little else comes in with a man, asking about hourly rates.)

    Mom: *looking at the couple* “They must not be very tired.”

    Me: “… Mom, really?”

    Mom: “What? If they’re asking about hourly rates, they must not be planning on sleeping long.”

    Me: “They didn’t come here to sleep.”

    Mom: “…”

    Me: “…”

    Mom: “Oh!” *turning red* “Oh… Well, how was I supposed to know that? My mind doesn’t automatically jump to scenarios like that. I don’t know why yours does.”

    Me: “Because it was ridiculously obvious?”

    Only Knew Half The Snorey Story

    | Jordan | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m rooming with my mum while on holiday with my family as she had wanted some peace and quiet away from my dad’s snoring.)

    Mum: “I’m going to shower, since you take ages, and after that I’m going to sleep.”

    Me: “Okay, go ahead.”

    (After my shower, I enter the room…)

    Mum: *mumbling*

    Me: “Ma? I thought you said you were going to sleep? Why are you still up?”

    Mum: *silent*

    (I walk over to see that my mum was asleep. She suddenly breaks out singing a few lines!)

    Me: “…”

    Mum: “Shh!” *suddenly starts singing again* “Shhh! Shhhhhhhh!”

    (The next day, at breakfast, I confront my dad.)

    Me: “Ma started mumbling and singing in her sleep last night!”

    Dad: “Yeah, she sleep talks.”

    Me: *to Mum* “You mean you wanted to get away from Dad’s snoring even though you yourself talk the whole night?”

    Must Have Taken A Wrong Urn Somewhere

    | Omaha, NE, USA | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians

    (My entire family is in town for my grandmother’s funeral. The night before the funeral, a drunk driver careens into the parking lot of our hotel, totaling my car and causing a chain reaction that smashes three more cars belonging to my family. That includes my mom’s car, where we were keeping the urn with my grandmother’s ashes. We’ve all come down to the lobby to talk to the police.)

    Officer: “Was anyone in the cars at the time of the accident?”

    Mom: “Well, my mother was in the backseat… but she was already dead.”

    (The look on the officer’s face almost made the whole thing worth it.)

    Japanese Love Hotel

    | Hinton, AB, Canada | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters, Theme Of The Month

    (I’ve just turned nine, and my family is going on vacation, but there isn’t a room to be found. We get pretty much the last room in the town, a partially renovated honeymoon suite. One of the things they’ve done is remove the mirror that used to be over the bed. It’s pretty obvious because the ceiling was red when it was hung, and it’s white now. It’s the very first thing I notice when I enter the room.)

    Me: “Look!” *points excitedly at ceiling* “It’s the flag of Japan!”

    (My parents both try their hardest to stifle their laughter.)

    Mom: “Very true! Good job.”

    Me: *wonderingly* “Do all the rooms have foreign flags on the roof?”

    Mom: *still trying very hard not to laugh out loud* “I don’t think so, dear. We just got the international room.”

    Me: “Oh, okay.” *looks at ceiling again* “That’s so cool!”

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