• Mom Has An Axe To Grind
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    Mom Is Not On A Roll

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Parents & Guardians

    (While my mom is extremely good at her job and normally pretty smart, she has a tendency to be rather ditzy and say some really stupid things. I’m taking a dessert course in Stockholm, and she joins me as she’s been there more than I have and knows her way around. We’re at the hotel the night before the course, and Mom insists on styling me up for the evening. She’s just styled my hair and puts the hair straightener, still plugged in, on the carpeted floor.)

    Me: “Well, if the floor catches fire, it’ll be your fault.”

    Mom: “Oh, that’s OK. If it starts burning, I’ll just roll over the fire!”

    Me: “…Uh, I know that I said it’d be your fault, but a sacrifice like that seems a bit unnecessary.”

    Mom: “No, I mean that I roll on the fire to put it out.”

    Me: “Or we could use the shower hose, which sprays water and is a much better choice.”

    Mom: “…But when the ground is burning, don’t you roll on it to put the fire out?”

    Me: “No, Mom, that’s for when you are the one burning.”

    (Mom, realizing how wrong she was, broke into a hysterical fit of laughter. She’d apparently remembered it wrong all this time and never found it strange. It was the last part that I found the most baffling; That she’d never stopped to think that rolling on a fire to put it out sounded really weird.)

    Diving Into His Own Interpretation

    | NE, USA | Cousins, Parents & Guardians

    (My father goes out of town for a family wedding. Instead of spending time with relatives his age, he decided to spend time keeping an eye on his nephew’s four-year-old daughter, my cousin. This is one of the stories he had to tell:)

    Dad: *noticing her staring at a no diving sign* “Hey you reading the sign? What does it say?”

    Cousin: “No diving bonk your head!”

    Sleep Talking And Flying And Mailing

    | Fiji | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians

    (Although we live in the US, we have decided to travel to Fiji for a 14-day trip over the summer. I am about 12, and my 50-something-year-old father, and my 79-year-old grandmother are with me. By the time we reach our resort, we’ve spent about 24 hours traveling. My grandmother instantly falls asleep, while I’m reading in the next bed over.)

    Dad: *walks in from his room* “Would you like to get a snack?”

    Grandma: *sits up and opens her eyes* “Aren’t you going to get the mail?”

    Dad & Me: “We’re in Fiji.”

    Grandma: “I know, aren’t you getting the mail?”

    Dad: “Mom, we’re in Fiji.”

    Grandma: “Aren’t we having it forwarded?”

    (Soon, she goes to the bathroom and comes back with no recollection of the conversation. Dad later confesses he thought she had a stroke. A couple years later in Hawaii my grandma and I are sharing a room. I’m listening to music and reading while she naps. Suddenly sits up and says something to me, eyes wide open.)

    Me: *takes out earbuds* “I didn’t hear you, sorry. What did you say?”

    Grandma: “Where’s the pudding?” *we don’t have any pudding, nor is she particularly fond of it*

    Me: “We don’t have any pudding.”

    Grandma: “I want my pudding!”

    (She rolled right over and fell asleep. She didn’t remember that conversation either, and refuses to believe she talks in her sleep!)

    Pocket That For Later

    | Anderson, SC, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (In our hotel room, I’m getting ready to get back on the road.)

    Me: “Huh. Someone left a thumb drive on the bed.”

    Son: *snatching it off the bed and stuffing it in his pocket* “It’s not a thumb drive.”

    Husband: “Well, then, what is it?”

    Me: “It’s a piece of the Skylab control panel.”

    Husband: “You keep a piece of Skylab in your pocket?”

    Son: “I keep a lot of things in my pockets.”

    Say Lullabye-bye To Sleep

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My family is staying at a motel one night during a cross-country road trip. My parents, and four kids [including me] aged 5-13 are all crammed into one room. My parents have declared lights out and bedtime since we have to be up early next morning to get back on the road, but the four of us are too antsy to fall asleep and keep joking and chatting back and forth.)

    Mom: *trying to get us to calm down* “All right, kids, I’ll sing you a lullaby to put you to sleep.”

    (Giggles from us.)

    Mom: *singing* “Go to sleeeeeep… little ones. It is dark in outer spaaaace.”

    (More hushed giggles.)

    Mom: “Go to sleep, my little ones. Or I will punch you in the face!”

    (We all burst out laughing. Naturally it took us a bit longer to fall asleep after that and her on-the-spot lullaby is still an inside joke among our family.)

    Correct Answer Fail

    | Lincoln City, OR, USA | Siblings

    (My mom, older brother, and I are staying at a hotel and playing a board game together.)

    Brother: “Roll, a**-jackal!”

    Me: “It’s your turn, idiot. You got the last answer right.”

    Brother: “Well, I’m not used to that!”

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