(We’re asking a hotel chef to cook some eggs for us. My 6-year-old cousin is the last to request.)

Chef: “…and how would you like your eggs?”

Cousin: “Balut.”

(Balut is a Filipino ‘delicacy’ where the egg actually carries the bird embryo!)

(My wife and I are on a road trip out to Temecula, CA, where my parents-in-law are living. At the end of our vacation, my father-in-law will come back with us to Colorado. He loves seafood, and is worried that it will cost too much and not be fresh in Colorado.)

Father-in-law: “I just bought these fresh fish at the market here. Can I bring them back with us to Colorado so I have something to eat there?”

Me: “Well, we only have this small cooler that can fit a few water bottles. Plus, we are stopping in Las Vegas for the night so it will have to keep for two days while we drive. I doubt the fish will make it that long.”

(He argues with me a little, but in the end my wife tells him no. He makes a few fish sandwiches to eat on the road and I think that is the end of it. We drive to Las Vegas; it is August and around 100 degrees out, so we have the AC blowing the whole way. In Las Vegas, we check into our room and my father-in-law checks into his. About half an hour later, we hear a knock on our door.)

Father-in-law: “There is an awful stench in my room! I have to get a new room!”

(We follow him to his room. A terrible odor is emanating from the room. Inside, we see the fish he had originally asked to bring along sitting on the air conditioner. The air conditioner is blowing on high, spreading the smell throughout the hotel room.)

Wife: “What did you do?!”

Father-in-law: “Well, I had put that fish in my bag because you wouldn’t let me put it in the cooler. When I took it out, it smelled a little funny, and since there was no refrigerator in here, I put it on the air conditioner to cool it down!”

Brother: “Why is the balcony door locked?”

Me: “Dad likes to lock things.”

Brother: “But we are on the 8th floor.”

Dad: “There are ninjas about.”

Me: “You also have to watch out for the skydiving robbers.”

Dad: “Yep, them and the ninjas will get you.”

Me: “How would you know if there were ninjas? You can’t see them.”

Dad: “I can sense their presence!”

(We are out of town for a funeral. All of the family are staying in the same hotel. My 80-year-old father and his older brother are sitting next to each other. One of my uncle’s grandchildren is talking about going swimming in the hotel.)

Uncle: “Well, all I have to swim in is my birthday suit.”

Dad: “Well you’d better get an iron then.”

(My son and his family are visiting from out of state, and various friends have gathered in their hotel room. One is talking to his little girl.)

Relative: “How old are you?”

(The little girl peers up under her bangs and holds up four fingers.)

Relative: “And when will you be five?”

(The little girl looks up at him like he’s an idiot.)

Little girl: *with great patience* “On my birthday.”