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    Stairway To Logical Thinking

    | Finland | Sons & Daughters

    (My daughter is still at the brutally honest stage. One day, she accidentally insults my weight, and then follows it up by implying that I’m old.)

    Me: “You’re digging a hole there. You might want to stop digging.”

    Daughter: “What if I dig stairs?”

    I Am Nameless

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom has three children and is notorious for forgetting names. I am standing behind her in the living room.)

    Mom: “[Sister], go get me my tweezers.”

    Me: “I’m not [Sister], but okay.”

    Mom: “[Brother]?”

    Me: “I’m not him either.”

    Mom: *frightened voice* “Then who ARE you?!”

    Nothing Special To Toot About

    | PA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My family is eating dinner together. One dish is string beans.)

    Me: “Ah, beans. A magical fruit!”

    Mom: *laughing* “The more you eat, the more you TOOT!”

    Me: “Seriously, mom, you’d never heard that?”

    Mom: “Heard what?”

    (My three siblings and I quickly grab eye contact, and then burst into song at the same time.)

    Siblings & Me: “Beans, beans, a magical fruit! The more you eat, the more you toot! The more you toot, the better you feel. So eat your beans at every meal!”

    (Apparently my mother had never heard that particular rhyme before. She just thought she was being very clever and original with her own line. She couldn’t stop laughing after hearing us ramble off the song.)

    See What You Want To See

    | England, UK | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I am four years old. My dad has just left on a business trip to Seattle for two weeks.)

    Me: *crying* “But mummy, WHY does daddy have to go to Seattle? Why can’t ‘Attle’ come and see Daddy?”

    Charting Your Own Demise

    | Cape Cod, MA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I have recently gotten engaged, and the wedding planning has begun in earnest. I am trying to get things organized with the help of a workflow chart on a computer, but am not having much luck.)

    Me: “Dad, is there an easy way to make PERT charts in Office, or do I need specialized software?”

    Dad: “You can make a Gannt chart in Excel, but for something like a PERT chart you’d need something like Project or Visio.”

    Me: “I was afraid of that. Does the ‘Oh, my God, I have 10,000 things to do’ feeling lessen at any point before the wedding?”

    Dad: “Sure. When you’re sleeping.”

    School Gang(nam) Getting Out Of Control

    | MD, USA | Siblings

    (My sister and I have just returned from prom. The theme was meant to be classy, but it seemed the school fell short.)

    Me: “Hey, bro, guess what our prom theme was?”

    Brother: *rolling his eyes* Give me a hint.”

    (I pull out my gift bag, which has a picture of a white suit on it, then start pulling out what’s inside: a regular drinking glass, a pair of shutter shades, and some Mardi Gras beads.)

    Brother: “Umm… Psy?”

    Me: *with a straight face* “007.”

    (Neither of us could control our laughter!)

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