Maybe It Means You’re Over The Hill

| CO, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I work at a water park that is built on the side of a steep hill, which I climb and descend at least once each day I work.)

Me: “Ugh, I keep having muscle spasms in my back and I don’t know why.”

Mom: “That’s not good. That’s usually a sign that you need more exercise.”

Me: “I exercise! It’s a huge hill!”

Not An Airy-Fairy Child

| Australia | Parents & Guardians

(I was always a skeptical kid, and learning that Santa wasn’t real was a very average day. This happened a few years before the Santa thing; I am seven and have just lost another tooth the night before.)

Me: *distressed* “Mummy! The tooth fairy forgot about me!”

Mum: “Oh, no! Well, I’m sure she was just a little busy last night. Go play for a few hours, she’ll get there.”

Me: *suss* “Okaaaaay..”

(About an hour later I hear mum calling me from my room.)

Mum: “She came. She left extra for forgetting, too!”

Me: “Sure, mummy.”

Mum: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, the TOOTH FAIRY did that, huh?”

Mum: “… You’re not a normal kid, are you?”

God Heard You The First Time

| KS, USA | Siblings

(My little sister is young and has a hard time saying meaningful prayers at night. She often asks me to say mine out loud so she can repeat my prayers.)

Me: “Amen.”

Sister: “Amen.”

Me: “Goodnight, [Sister]. I love you.”

Sister: “Goodnight, [Sister]. I love you.”

Me: “You know you can stop repeating me now, right?”

Sister: “You know you can stop repeating me now, right?”

Me: *silence*

(Three seconds later.)

Sister: “… oh.”

Levelled Up Ego

| Felton, DE, USA | Siblings

(While I’m a bookish person who is more of a casual gamer, my older brother is very much into video games and use some less than pleasant terms when referring to things in the games. This happens one evening. He’s playing a racing game while I’m reading a book in the living room.)

Brother: “[My Name], look! Look I’m leaving these f**s in the dust!”

Me: “Can you not use slurs? And I don’t really care.”

Brother: “Don’t be such a c***. Just look!”

(I look up just in time to see him experience a clipping error that’s caused him to wreck his car in the middle of an empty road.)

Brother: “What? This g****** game is being a c***! What the f*** did I hit!?”

Me: *without missing a beat* “Your ego.”

Under Enough Heat As It Is

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(I arrive home from high school on a hot day in June wearing jeans and a hoodie. Note that though we live in a generally safe area, there have been several crimes committed in the past year at and near my school. Also note that I am considered a ‘loner’ and ‘emo’ at school.)

Mom: “What’s with the sweatshirt?”

Me: “The school’s air conditioning is way too high, so I’m kinda cold.”

Dad: “What temperature is it in there anyway?”

Me: “No idea.”

Mom: “You should take your dad’s special thermometer to school and check.”

(The ‘special thermometer’ is a device that measures air temperature using a red laser dot to pinpoint a certain area. It’s shaped a bit like a pistol.)

Me: “Wait, let me get this straight. You want ME, the class outcast, to walk into school carrying something that looks like a GUN?! After we just had a LOCKDOWN a couple days ago? And everyone’s HIGHLY PARANOID? Don’t you think people might… jump to conclusions?”

Dad: “What do you mean?”

(And they wonder why I don’t trust their judgment.)

How To Sugar Coat Racism

| OR, USA | Parents & Guardians

(There is this candy that my mom and I love. It used to have four different flavors, but a few years back they changed it so that most boxes only had the red ones. This was hugely disappointing to us as we liked all of the flavors. I have just gotten home from going to a candy store.)

Me: “Guess what I found!

Mom: “What?”

Me: *show her the candy*

Mom: “Mmmmm!”

Me: “Yeah, and they’re not the racist kind either!”

Mom: “Yum!”

Me: “WE MUST LET ALL THE COLORS OF SUGAR FISH LIVE IN PEACE AND HARMONY IN OUR BELLIES!”


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