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    Mentally Scarred For Life

    | NY, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (My father is recounting my birth to me right before Mother’s Day. I was born via C-Section in a well-known and respected local hospital.)

    Dad: “Did your mother show you the scar where they cut her open and ripped you out like an alien? It was great! And then they took a giant staple and stapled her back together. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen.”

    Mom: “Remember how you were joking that they would use a staple remover to take them out and then they actually did?”

    Dad: “Yeah! If I had known that this was how surgery was done I would have done it in my office!”

    Spice Up Your Life Before Death

    | KY, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I have a condition where anything even mildly spicy will make me sick. This is after my dad has been to the store.)

    Me: “Dad… you do know this is Sriracha Teriyaki sauce, right?”

    Dad: “So?”

    Me: “Um… that means it’s going to be pretty spicy.”

    Dad: “Oh, don’t worry about it. Once we cook the fish you won’t notice it.”

    Me: *reading the ingredients* “Jalapeños… roasted cayenne pepper…”

    Mom: “You’ll notice it.”

    Dad: “Oh…”

    Presently Tense About The Sauce

    | Lancaster, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I walk into the kitchen and see my mom sitting at the computer with an apparently empty can of cranberry sauce and a spoon.)

    Me: “Did you just eat a can of cranberry sauce?!”

    Mom: “No…”

    Me: “…”

    Mom: “…”

    Me: “Are you currently eating a can of cranberry sauce?”

    Mom: *eats another spoonful of cranberry sauce*

    The New Girl Is A Scream

    | USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Siblings

    (I am meeting my middle brother’s girlfriend for the first time. I’m a little nervous about this, since most of the women my other brothers have dated think I’m creepy, and our parents keep trying to get me to be more ‘normal.’ We’re standing in their kitchen when this happens.)

    Brother’s Girlfriend: “So, we’re standing outside this concert venue, waiting to be let in, and—” *her phone starts ringing, and she glances at it* “Oooh! Telemarketer!”

    (She answers it, and after a deep inhale, bends almost halfway over doing this loud, sustained-note ‘death metal’ scream, then stops abruptly.)

    Brother’s Girlfriend: “Aw, he hung up. Anyway, we just kind of had this random conversation about zombies with the guy behi—” *notices the look on my face* “What?”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Do you always do that?”

    Brother’s Girlfriend: “There are a couple that pop up that you can usually identify as scam numbers pretty easily… With those ones, yeah, I do, unless we’re somewhere it might be socially unacceptable.”

    Me: *to my brother* “I like this one.”

    (It’s been a couple years, and they’re married now. My sister-in-law still does that, but they don’t get those calls very often to any of their phones.)

    A Conversation Breast Left Alone, Part 4

    | UT, USA | Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (This occurs the night before my sister and I are flying to Europe with our siblings to visit our grandparents. My sister is in a frenzy, packing last minute items, while her four-year-old son is in the tub. I end up getting him out of the tub and dressed. Also, I am wearing a v-neck shirt, so when I bend over, my cleavage is more obvious.)

    Me: *bending over* “Okay, little dude, here is your towel. Let’s get you dried off, then find you some PJ’s.”

    Nephew: *pointing at my chest* “What are those?”

    Me: “Oh, those are strings for the hood on my jacket, so I can tighten it.”

    Nephew: “No, what are those!” *again, pointing at my chest*

    Me: “This is for the zipper, so I can zip up, or unzip my jacket, see?”

    (I show him my zipper pull on my jacket.)

    Nephew: “Those, what are THOSE?!”

    (It finally dawns on me that he is pointing at my breasts.)

    Me: “Well, they are kind of like yours.” *I poke him in the chest*

    Nephew: “Can I see?”

    Me: “Nope! Now go to your room, and find your pajamas!”

    (My sister laughed hysterically when I finally told her what happened.)

    A Conversation Breast Left Alone, Part 3
    A Conversation Breast Left Alone, Part 2
    A Conversation Breast Left Alone

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