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  • Stopping Mr. Green From Being Blue

    | Miami, FL, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (My wife and I have just brought home our Christmas tree. We stand it up in the living room and head out to the garage to get the decorations, only to find our four-year-old daughter hugging it and petting it like a puppy.)

    Daughter: “Don’t be sad, Mr. Green.”

    Wife: “[Daughter]? What are you doing, sweetie?”

    Daughter: “Making Mr. Green feel better.”

    Me: “Who’s Mr. Green, babygirl?”

    (She stops hugging the tree, then points at it and jumps up and down.)

    Daughter: “HIM!”

    Wife: “Oh… is Mr. Green sad?”

    Daughter: “Uh-huh.”

    Me: “Why is he sad?”

    Daughter: *rolling her eyes* “Because he misses the other trees, daddy!”

    (We ended up referring to our Christmas tree as “Mr. Green” the remainder of the season.)

    Have High Hopes For Christmas

    | MA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I’m in college and home for Christmas. It’s Christmas morning and my family and I are all opening presents. My mother opens the one I got for her:)

    Mom: “It’s…”

    Me: “It’s a soy sauce pitcher! It was my best piece from my ceramics class!”

    (Note that, unlike a regular pitcher, a soy sauce pitcher is shaped like a bottle and has a spout coming out the side, like a teapot.)

    Mom: “Thank you! It’s beautiful!”

    (My sister does not pay attention to the explanation, but sees the gift and quietly pulls me aside a few minutes later.)

    Sister: *whispering incredulously* “You got mom… a bong FOR CHRISTMAS?!”

    Good Luck Blowing Out 2000 Candles, Part 2

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (My two year old cousin loves birthdays and cakes and blowing out candles, so for Christmas my aunt buys a Santa cake. Naturally, we start singing.)

    All: “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday too you! Happy birthday dear—”

    Sister & I: *simultaneously* “—JESUS!”

    All: “Happy birthday to you!”

    (Cue the laughter, and the blowing of the candles!)

    Lamb Chopping And Editing

    | VA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (I am about six years old, and my brother is about ten. We are gathered in the living room with our parents. My mom is videotaping us as we open our gifts that our grandparents sent to us. She is planning on sending the tape to them. My brother and I both open our cards. My brother’s has cash inside, while mine doesn’t.)

    Me: “Where’s my money?”

    Mom: “Grandma and Grandpa sent you a present. [Brother] just got cash instead of an actual gift.”

    Me: “Oh, okay.”

    (Mom decides that this was not bad enough to ruin the video and continues videotaping. I then open my gift, which is a giant stuffed lamb. I am overjoyed and squeal with delight over it).

    Mom: “So do you like your new bunny?

    Dad: “Umm… it’s a lamb.”

    Mom: *doesn’t really pay attention to Dad* “So are you going to sleep with your bunny tonight?”

    Dad: *irritated* “It’s a lamb!”

    (Mom gets a little annoyed and decides to turn off the camera and start over. She wants to have footage of me opening the stuffed animal for my grandparents. She actually puts the lamb/’bunny’ back in the box and instructs me to pretend like I’m opening it for the very first time. She then turns the camera on and pretends to cut open the box.)

    Me: *putting on as much fake enthusiasm as I can* “Oooh! I love it! It’s so big and soft!”

    Mom: “Do you like your bunny?”

    Dad:I told you three times – it’s a lamb!

    Aliens Only Attack On Independence Day

    | CT, USA | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s New Year’s Eve and my dad and I are watching the ball drop in New York.)

    Me: “It’s fun to watch, but I don’t think I could stand to be there, crammed in like sardines.”

    Dad: “Yeah, plus it’s just kinda dangerous, you know?”

    Me: “Yeah. I guess large gatherings lately have attracted a few terrori—”

    Dad: “I mean, what if giant robots attack!?”

    Me: “…your first thought was giant robots?”

    Dad: “No, my first thought was aliens, but giant robots would be cooler!”

    Don’t Have A Bad Hair Year

    | SC, USA | Children, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s New Year’s Eve. My brother is about nine years old.)

    Brother: “I’m goin’ into the new year with GREAT HAIR!”

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