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    I Am The Dragonbond

    | CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mother and I are sitting at the coffee table playing cards, it is past midnight and we are both very tired.)

    Me: “I have the Skyrim theme stuck in my head.”

    Mom: “Adele?”

    Me: “That’s Skyfall.”

    Mom: *bursts out laughing*

    Some Dates Are More To The Point Than Others

    | KS, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m watching ‘House M.D.’ on Netflix with my mother and she’s reading the episode summary.)

    Mom: “House and the team treat an Alzheimer’s patient who’s vomiting and showing aggression. Meanwhile, Foreman and House—”

    Me: “Go on a date.”

    Mom: “Cross swords.”

    Me: “Same thing.”

    The Cup Is Full Of Half Truths

    | UK | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (This happened one night at dinner, when our son was a toddler.)

    Me: *passing our son his cup* “Here, [Son], your cup is half full.” *pause to think about that* “That’s quite optimistic, isn’t it?”

    Husband: “I always think that saying is backwards.”

    Me: “How’s that, then?”

    Husband: “Well, an optimist expects the cup to be full, so, when it isn’t, he thinks of it as half empty. A pessimist expects the cup to be empty, so, when it isn’t, he thinks of it as half full.”

    (Slight pause…)

    Me: ‘[Son], here is a cup containing approximately equal volumes of fluid and air. Feel free to impute it with whatever life philosophy you wish.”

    The True Sauce Of Your Upset

    | Petaluma, CA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (My nine-year-old used to put ketchup on everything but lately her new obsession is barbecue sauce.)

    Husband: “What do you want for dinner tonight?”

    Me: “Oh, I don’t know, maybe I’ll just nibble on [Daughter]’s ears.”

    Daughter: “Humph.”

    Husband: “We could coat them in cornmeal and fry them up.”

    Me: “Mmmmm… and eat them with barbecue sauce.”

    Daughter: “Hey! That’s MY barbecue sauce!”

    Me: “THIS is what you object to?”

    Daughter: “Yeah…”

    Babysitting On A Knife-Edge

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Grandchildren, Grandparents, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (My sister often wonders how her husband and his sister survived childhood. Time and time again her in-laws prove that they should not be in charge of small children. It’s my niece’s first birthday. We are getting the cake ready.)

    Sister: *to me* “They are demanding that I let them take [Niece] home for a few days. I keep saying no, but they are claiming it’s their right as grandparents. I am not comfortable with that.”

    (We light the candle and take it to Niece, who is being held by her dad. He helps her blow out the candle.)

    Niece’s Grandfather: “She has to cut the cake!” *shoves a carving knife with an eight-inch long sharp blade into niece’s hand*

    Niece: “YAYYYYYYY!”

    (My niece flings her arm back, brandishing the knife, straight towards her dad’s face. He manages to dodge out of the way. My sister grabs the knife out of the baby’s hand.)

    Sister: “Are you a f****** idiot? Why would you give that to [Niece]?”

    Grandfather: “She needed to cut the cake.”

    Sister: “She’s one year old, you gave her a sharp knife, and she almost killed [Husband] with it.”

    (The grandfather, still oblivious to what he did, storms off. Our older sister comes up to us afterwards.)

    Older Sister: “What happened? [Grandfather] is complaining about how [Sister] spoke to him.”

    (We explain what happened.)

    Sister: “Is it any wonder why I refuse to let them take [Niece] home? They do things like this all the time!”


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