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    There’s The Rub

    | CO, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I’m about four years old and haven’t quite got the hang of how to kiss people on the cheek. I have a habit of just sticking my tongue out and put it on my mom’s cheek, leaving a rather hellacious spit mark. I have just done this as I’m getting ready to go to bed for the night and have started walking away, only to turn around to say something. I see my mom furiously wiping the slobber off her cheek.)

    Me: “You’re wiping it off!”

    Mom: “No, I’m rubbing it in!”

    (I was satisfied by the answer and went to bed.)

    Wipe Gripe

    | Jerusalem, Israel | Children, Siblings, Sons & Daughters

    (My three-year-old daughter has learned to go to the bathroom on her own. Sometimes the toilet paper has been placed out of her reach and she needs to call out for someone to bring it to her; my two-year-old son is usually the first to rush over and bring it to her. Today, however, after he responds to her call we hear this shout from the bathroom:)

    Daughter: “Mommy! [Son] is trying to wipe me!”

    (We rush into the bathroom where, indeed, instead of bringing her the toilet paper he tore off a strip on his own and was trying to use it on her. We separate them and tell him that he’s not supposed to do that. Later that day…)

    Daughter: “I can’t reach the toilet paper!”

    (My son runs into the bathroom.)

    Daughter: “Bring me the toilet paper, but don’t wipe me, okay?”

    The Walking Dead: The Next Generation, Part 3

    | UK | Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (My nephew is obsessed with zombies right now, and planning for the zombie apocalypse – which is the only topic of conversation when he stays with us one night. I go to work and he stays with my wife and she later tells me all about his plans.)

    Wife: “So he’s got the zombie apocalypse all planned out.”

    Me: “Yeah?”

    Wife: “You and he are going to go out during the day and fight zombies with meat-cleaver guns, and then come home at night where I will be looking after and fortifying the house.”

    Me: “Right. What about his mum and [Three-Year-Old Sister].”

    Wife: “They can come and live with us.”

    Me: “In our little house on the main road? Not in their big house in the middle of nowhere?”

    Wife: “Yes, cause I’m going to fortify this one with stuff we get from the hardware store.”

    Me: “I love this kid.”

    Wife: “What’s a meat-cleaver gun by the way? He said you told him that.”

    Me: “Oh. [Former Housemate] and I saw it in a film and when he asked me what weapon I would use in the zombie apocalypse, that’s what I said.”

    Wife: “A meat-cleaver gun?”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Wife: “You two are too alike.”

    The Walking Dead: The Next Generation, Part 2
    The Walking Dead: The Next Generation

    Taking All The Fun Out Of Fungi

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am helping my mom make dinner. She has just put some mushrooms in the pan to start cooking.)

    Me: “Hey Mom, why did everyone at the party like the mushroom?”

    Mom: “Because they could keep him in the dark and feed him s***?”

    Me: “… No. Because… because he was a ‘fun guy.’”

    Mom: “Oh. I thought too deep on that one didn’t I?”

    Can Be Pur-Sueded Otherwise

    | Northampton, England, UK | Siblings

    Me: “[Brother] do you think swedes the vegetable came from Swedeland the country?”

    Brother: “…what?”

    Me: “Swedes, do you think they originally came from Swedeland?”

    Brother: “Swedeland…”

    Me: “It’s not Swedeland is it?”

    Brother: “No, it’s really not…”

    (I never did discover if swedes came from Sweden.)

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