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    Not Doing Rights By His Kids

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am in high school and in several honors courses, and therefore have a huge amount of homework. My dad is trying to get me to spend the afternoon at a park with the family.)

    Dad: “You need to be part of the family. Stop being so selfish!”

    Me: “Dad, I have several hours of homework and I simply don’t have time to do this today.”

    Dad: “You can manage.”

    Me: “Not unless you want me to be up working until two am.”

    Dad: “Shut up and listen to me! You are my daughter, and I can make you do whatever I want. You have no control over what you do with your life.”

    Me: “Uh, no… I think you may want to step out of the 19th century and face the fact that kids have rights.”

    Dad: “But children have no rights! They’re nothing!”

    Me: “There are so, so many things wrong with that statement…”

    An Unorthodox Method Of Ignorance

    | New York, NY, USA | Grandparents, LGTBQ

    (Because it’s before Passover I’m helping my grandmother prepare the food. I’m lesbian, which my parents and most of my friends are okay with. However, the rest of my Orthodox Jewish family likes to pretend that it isn’t true.)

    Grandma: “How’s school going? Are you getting good grades? How are your teachers and your friends? Oh, and do you have a boyfriend yet?”

    Me: “Grandma, I’m gay.”

    Grandma: “Oh, don’t be silly. Is that your way of telling me that you have a boyfriend? I won’t tell. Is he hot?”

    Me: “GRANDMA! I told you, no boyfriends. I have a very nice girlfriend, thank you very much.”

    Grandma: “Of course you don’t. You’re a very smart young lady, and I won’t have that talk in my house.”

    Me: “Thanks, but being smart has nothing to do with being gay.”

    Grandma: *laughs condescendingly* “Now I’m not so sure you’re smart! But I want great-grandchildren, you hear?”

    (We keep arguing for a while. Finally, I decide to leave.)

    Me: “Grandma, I have to go. I have some homework to finish up.”

    Grandma: “Good girl! And remember: GRANDKIDS!”

    Needs A Smart Car

    | Carol Stream, IL, USA | Siblings

    (I’m at my twin sister’s house, and she’s about two months pregnant at this time. She picks me up to hang out at her place, where we are the only ones in the house.)

    Twin Sister: “Hey, I’m tired. Can you drive yourself home then send the car back?”

    Weeding Out The Tour Guides From The RAs

    | NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

    Mom: “You know, your cousin has a friend whose son wants to go to your college. Do you think you can talk to them?”

    Me: “Okay, sure. Give them my contact information.”

    Mom: “Great! I told them you’d talk so much they wouldn’t need to ask questions.”

    Dad: “Yeah, you’re better than a tour guide really.”

    Me: “You know, I still can’t believe they never hired me. Neither could my friends who were tour guides. Actually, I still find it funny that the tour guides I knew flat out told me that tour guiding is where their weed money came from.”

    Dad: “Really?”

    Me: “Yeah. Well, except for the ones that were resident assistants. What does it say when all of our tour guides are either stoners or RAs?”

    Mom: “Excuse me, but the last time I checked marijuana was illegal in New York State.”

    Me: “Um… yes. The irony was kind of the point of the story.”

    An Offer He Had To Refuse

    | NJ, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Boyfriends & Girlfriends

    (I come from a very Italian family and many of my family members speak with a Brooklyn-Italian accent. It is Thanksgiving at my uncle’s house and this is the first time I have brought my boyfriend to meet my extended family. My uncle is sitting at the head of the table and my boyfriend is directly opposite him. My uncle can be blunt and with the accent he sometimes reminds people of a character from a certain movie.)

    Uncle: *in a very stern tone* “So, [Boyfriend], what do you do for a living?”

    Boyfriend: “I’m currently in paramedic school.”

    Uncle: “Oh, so you’re still a student. Can you get a job with that?”

    Boyfriend: “Yes, sir.”

    (My uncle continues to question my boyfriend in this manner until finally dessert come out.)

    My Uncle: *still speaking sternly* “[Boyfriend], take a cannoli.”

    Boyfriend: “I would, sir, but I don’t have a gun to leave.”

    (Thankfully, ‘The Godfather’ is one of my family’s favorite moves. To this day my boyfriend is convinced my uncle is a mob boss.)


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