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    Boys And Their Toy

    | NS, Canada | Children, Friends

    (My mum and her best friend had daughters within weeks of each other, so we grew up always at each other’s houses. One day when we were about three, there is a guy at our house to fix something when my friend gets dropped off to play. As soon as she comes in:)

    Friend: “There’s a BOY in your house! Why is there a BOY in your house?”

    Mum: “He’s not a boy—” *about to explain that he’s a man because he’s a grownup*

    Friend: *interrupting, and yelling* “—Yes, he is! He’s got a PENIS!”

    (Mum told me she was mortified, and had to apologize to the man because my friend was so loud he had heard every word!)

    Saved By The Order Of The Phoenix

    | Kettering, England, UK | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

    (I am 12. I have been told not to get up so early on weekends to watch TV since the stairs make noise and my mother needs to sleep in after long hours. I’m sneaking downstairs with a copy of the newest Harry Potter book in hand and come nose to gut with Mum’s then-boyfriend.)

    Boyfriend: “Morning.”

    Me *feeling busted* “Erm… morning, [Boyfriend].”

    Boyfriend: “Little early to be up, aren’t you?”

    Me: “I thought I heard a burglar.”

    (Later, when discussing it right in front of me.)

    Boyfriend: “And then he said ‘I thought I heard a burglar.'”

    Mum: “Oh, really?” *glaring at me*

    Boyfriend: “In his defence, he was carrying Order Of The Phoenix. Clearly he was planning to fight the burglars off.”

    Told A Shaggy-Dog Story

    | USA | Siblings

    (My brother is playing a video game. I’ve already beaten this game.)

    Brother: “So what do I do now?”

    Me: “Go over there, but be sure that the scary dog doesn’t see you or you’ll die instantly.”

    Brother: *freezes up* “He’s looking at me! Ah!”

    Me: “Just kidding, he won’t do anything.”

    Brother: “Really?”

    (He keeps moving. He doesn’t die.)

    Brother: “Why you little!”

    Me: “Just making it fun… for me, watching you squirm! Mwahaha!”

    Number Two Makes Him Come Number Two

    | FL, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My older sister and I have been sick for about a week. She comes out of her room and says she has to go to the bathroom. We have two bathrooms and both are currently occupied by my little sister and my dad.)

    Big Sister: “Who ever gets out first, wins!”

    Dad: *very faintly* “I wanna win!”

    (My little sister gets out first, and my big sister rushes to the bathroom. My dad comes out a minute later.)

    Dad: *looking for Big Sister* “Dang! I really wanted to win!”

    Enough To Drive You Demental

    | Italy | Parents & Guardians

    (It is a very foggy day and I am hanging out with the family.)

    Me: *looking out the window* “Oooh, look at that! Dementors!”

    Mom: “Oh, yeah, I didn’t realise it was so bad.”

    Dad: “I can’t see any dementors, sorry.”

    Sister: *immediately* ” Muggles can’t see dementors, Dad!”

    Dad: “I am most certainly not a muggle!” *starts staring out the window*

    Mom: “Muggle! Muggle!”

    Dad: *still staring out of the window* “Okay, girls, I finally saw one.” *turns back to the TV*

    Social Working Isn’t Working

    | TN, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am three. My mother is a social worker and makes long trips to take foster kids to new homes throughout the state. After returning from one of these trips, the following conversation happens.)

    Mom: “I love you, [My Name]. Can I have a hug?”

    Me: “NO! Mommy no love [My Name]! Mommy love OTHER kids!”

    (My mother quit her job soon after and became a stay at home mom for the rest of my life.)


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