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    Swallow Your Pride

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am with my mother, uncle, sister, and cousin, all cleaning out my grandparents’ garage. We are all walking outside when my cousin spits on the ground.)

    Mom: “Now, [Cousin], a lady doesn’t spit. She swallows.”

    (We all paused for about five seconds and then burst out laughing while my mom got embarrassed when she realized what she said.)

    He’s Number One With Your Number Twos

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (My fiancé and I recently bought a house together. One night our bathroom starts flooding, and we call my dad over since he is a plumber. My dad, my fiancé, and I are outside talking while my dad is snaking the plumbing.)

    Me: “While on the topic, is flushing kitty litter bad for the plumbing?”

    Dad: “Uh, yeah. Who has been flushing litter?”

    Fiancé: *guiltily* “No one!”

    Dad: “You might as well tell me. I’ll find out either way. It’s like I’m the turd whisperer.”

    Must Have A Bad Doll-Model

    | China | Children, Cousins, Theme Of The Month

    (We have unrolled the sitting room rug and found my six-year-old cousin’s doll wrapped inside, so I take it back to her.)

    Me: “Why did you put your doll wrapped inside rug?”

    Cousin: “I strangled her and put her dead body there.”

    Parapsylimpics

    | IN, USA | Siblings

    (My sister and I are watching the Sochi Olympics. A snowboarder, one of the gold medal contenders, has just crashed in the half-pipe. Impulsively, I blurt out a score.)

    Me: “Fifteen.”

    Sister: “Hmm?”

    Me: “I think that’s his score. Fifteen.”

    (Within seconds, his score shows onscreen: 15.00. My jaw drops.)

    Me: “No. Way.”

    Sister: “You probably just looked it up online.”

    Me: “No, I was at work all day! And you know how I am about spoilers.”

    (Later, a German figure skating pair is getting ready to perform.)

    Me: “I think they’re gonna crash. They always show someone who does.”

    (They don’t crash.)

    Sister: “Ha! Guess your streak is broken!”

    (The next night, though, this same pair performs again, and both of them end up falling.)

    Me: “Hey, I was right! I didn’t say when they’d crash!”

    Sister: “You need to stop being psychic. It’s creepy.”

    Advice Is Not To Be Sneezed At

    | VA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    Me: *sneezes*

    Three-Year-Old Son: “Mama, did you just have a really big sneeze?”

    Me: “Yes, I did. What do you say to people who sneeze?”

    Three-Year-Old Son “Go to the doctor!”


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