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    Are You (Pea)Nuts?!

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Children, In-Laws, Sons & Daughters

    (My niece is a toddler and has just been diagnosed with a peanut allergy. It’s her birthday party and even though my sister specifically warned everyone about the allergy, her in-laws still brought peanuts to eat.)

    Sister: *to her father-in-law* “Please do not eat those anywhere near [Niece]. Do not go near her with them.”

    Father-In-Law: “Yeah, I won’t.”

    (A bit later from across the yard, she sees him grabbing a handful of peanuts, shoving them in his mouth to eat. My niece toddles by.)

    Father-In-Law: *grabs niece* “Give Grandpa a kiss.”

    Sister: *screams* “STOP!”

    (Her husband is closer and is able to grab my niece out of the father-in-law’s hands.)

    Husband: “What are you doing!? Are you trying to kill [Niece]!”

    Father-In-Law:  ”I just wanted a kiss.”

    Husband: “You’ve got a mouth full of peanuts, bits on your lips, and full peanuts in your f****** beard. [Sister] told you she was allergic to peanuts. You could have f****** killed her!”

    Father-In-Law:  ”I thought she was joking!”

    Relatives Are Relatively Stupid

    | Australia | Siblings, Spouses & Partners

    (My husband is a LAN administrator for a large telecommunications company. Both of our families know this and expect him to work on their computers with little or no notice. The phone rings at 2 am. We both jump, thinking a call at this time of night can only mean bad news. I get to the phone first. It’s my sister.)

    Me: “What’s wrong?”

    Sister: “Is [Husband] there?”

    (I hand the phone to my husband.)

    Husband: “Hello, [Sister]. What’s wrong?… No, I can’t come over right now. It’s 2 am… I’ll be over some time in the morning. Bye.” *hangs up*

    Me: “What was that about?”

    Husband: “She got a new printer and it won’t work. She wanted me to come over now and fix it.”

    Me: “What did she say when you mentioned the time?”

    Husband: “That she knew we would be up.”

    (The next morning he drives to her place to look at the printer. When he gets home I ask him what the problem was.)

    Husband: “Some people should be banned from having computers.”

    Me: “Why?”

    Husband: “The printer cable was plugged into the computer and then the other end was plugged into another socket next to it.”

    Me: “Both ends were plugged into the computer?”

    Husband: “Yeah. She couldn’t work out why it wouldn’t work.”

    Where Mental Meets Parental, Part 2

    | Canada | Parents & Guardians

    (My father gets a phone call from a young girl obviously making a prank call.)

    Caller: “You got me pregnant!”

    Dad: “Really now? Wow, that sounds impossible. I just had surgery and have been sterile for months. But if you want to talk about it more feel free to call again.”

    (He hangs up the phone. Shortly after the phone rings again.)

    Dad: *in a foreign accent* “Oh, my gracious! There is a problem with your computer!”

    Caller: “What?!” *hangs up then calls again*

    Dad: “Duffy’s tavern and massage bar. Would you like a beer or a massage?”

    Caller: “Huh?” *hangs up*

    (The caller the calls again, this time getting my mother.)

    Mom: *impersonating a cop* “We have been informed that you have been harassing this number. We are tracing the call as you speak. Please inform your parents that the police will be there shortly to talk about harassment and press charges. Goodbye.”

    (We never got a call from the girl again.)

    Where Mental Meets Parental

    Not Very Quick On The Draw

    | UK | Children, Siblings

    (My 13-year-old brother likes to play on the Wii, and my nine-year-old sister likes to draw.)

    Sister: “Give me something to draw!”

    Brother: “What like?”

    Sister: “Anything!”

    Brother: “Er… draw my Mii!”

    Sister: “You?”

    Brother: “No, my Mii!”

    Sister: “So, you?”

    Brother: “No, my Mii, with two ‘I’s!”

    Sister: “You have two eyes!”

    Brother: “Oh, never mind…”

    Quite Gene-ial On The Subject

    | Scotland, UK | Children, Siblings

    (I’m chatting with my nine-year-old sister. I’m 15.)

    Sister: “Where do babies come from?”

    (I’ve just been learning about mitosis and meiosis at school, so I think I can probably baffle her with fancy words.)

    Me: “Well, there’s a process called meiosis, where the genetic material from the mummy and daddy merge together to make a zygote—”

    Sister: “Yes, but how do the daddy genes and the mummy genes actually join?”

    Me: “I’m just explaining that! It uses enzymes to get inside the bit where the mummy genes are protected—”

    Sister: “Yes, but how do the daddy genes get to the mummy genes in the first place?!”

    Me: “They swim to the mummy genes.”

    Sister: “But how do the daddy genes get inside the mummy?”

    Me: “I… don’t know.”

    Sister: “Oh, well. I’ll ask mum.”

    Me: “… You do that.”

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