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    Tripping On The Music

    | NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I am lying on the floor with my uncle, chatting. He is absentmindedly strumming his ukulele. At some point my dad walks in, texting, and accidentally steps on my uncle.)

    Dad: “Oh, s***, sorry; I didn’t know you were there.”

    Me: “Didn’t you hear the ukulele?”

    Dad: “When you’ve known [Uncle] as long as I have, you ALWAYS hear a ukulele somewhere. I started ignoring it years ago.”

    Warp Factor Golden Brown

    | AZ, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m visiting my mother and her fiancé. I’m eating breakfast, while they’re both browsing the Internet.)

    Mom’s Fiancé: “I found the toaster I want.”

    (Points to the glass toaster on his computer screen. Said toaster is made by Bugatti, a company better known for its fast sports cars.)

    Me: “That must be one fast toaster. I wonder if you get speeding tickets using it?”

    Mom’s Fiancé: “That toaster is so fast, Kirk would no longer say, ‘Warp six, Mr. Sulu.’ He’d say, ‘Toast, Mr. Sulu.’ ”

    Me: “But that makes it sound like you’re going to put Sulu in the toaster!”

    Mom’s Fiancé: “Eh. He’s not a red shirt, he’ll be okay.”

    Me: “Yeah, but then he’d be red all over!”

    Mom: *laughing* “This is a weird conversation.”

    Me: “This is an awesome conversation!”

    Penny Dropped From A Great Height

    | Springfield, VA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My dad has a tendency to tell jokes at the expense of others. My sister, being incredibly gullible and not the brightest bulb in the box, is a frequent target.)

    Dad: *holding two fingers near one of my sister’s ears, looks through the other ear*  “Yup! I see two of them. Definitely two.”

    Sister: “Huh? What are you talking about? I don’t get it.”

    (Three days later, we’re at the dinner table, and my sister suddenly jerks completely upright.)

    Sister: “Hey!” *smacks Dad’s arm* “That wasn’t funny!”

    Dad: *genuinely confused, since he hadn’t said anything* “What wasn’t funny?”

    Sister: “That thing, with the fingers, and looking through my ears… That wasn’t funny, Dad!”

    (All of us sit there blinking for a few seconds until we realize it really had taken her that long to get it. Then we burst out laughing.)

    Sister: “Stop that! It isn’t funny!”

    Me: “No, it wasn’t. But it is now!”

    Go Put It On The Settee (Alpha Five)

    | Jerusalem, Israel | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (My three-year-old daughter is helping me put together the bag of things my wife will need at the hospital when she gives birth. In Hebrew, the word ‘kahn’ means ‘here.’)

    Me: *handing my daughter a pair of socks* “Go put this on the dining room table.”

    Daughter: “Where should I put it? Kahn? Or kahn?”

    Me & Wife: *simultaneously* “Kaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhn!”

    Looking For That Great White Romance

    | USA | Pets & Animals, Siblings

    (My older brother, my dad, and I are all sitting in the living room watching ‘Sharknado’ because we are really bored. Some girl gets eaten by a shark and my brother slams his hand down on the sofa.)

    Brother: “Story of my life!”

    Me: “What?”

    Brother: “Every time! Every time I meet a pretty girl, she gets eaten by sharks!”


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