• The Cold Future
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  • August's Theme Of The Month: Best. Family Member. Ever!

    A Kneed To Be Tough

    | Winter Garden, FL, USA | Grandparents

    (My grandmother had knee surgery and was told that she could only get up for necessities. Being the stubborn mule she is, I have to babysit her to ensure she only gets up to use the restroom and nothing else, as I am there to cook for her. She keeps getting up to sweep, change the cat litter, wash dishes, etc. that are not necessities.)

    Me: “What are you doing now? You’re supposed to be resting.”

    Grandma: “Don’t tell me what to do. I’m older than you and I can do whatever I want if I feel like it.”

    Me: “You need to be resting. Your doctor said so. All the stuff you want to do is why I’m here, so I can do them for you. If you get up one more time, I swear, I’m going to tie you down to the bed.”

    Grandma: “No, you won’t.”

    Me: “Do you want to try me?”

    (She took one look at my face, and we didn’t have a problem after that. She even called me to help her out of bed to use the restroom. If I heard anything from her room, I would walk in to make sure she wasn’t doing something she wasn’t supposed to do.)

    The Lizard Is Not A-Mew-sed

    | Houston, TX, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (My one-year-old daughter and I are home alone. I’m in the kitchen, fixing lunch, when I hear my daughter calling out from the doorway:)

    Daughter: “Kitty! Kitty!”

    Me: “The kitties are outside, sweetheart.”

    Daughter: “Kitty!”

    (I walk over to see what she’s talking about. She’s smiling proudly and clutching a very disgruntled looking lizard in her hands.)

    Daughter: “Kitty!”

    Me: *giving up* “Yes, [Daughter], kitty. Now, let’s go put the kitty outside, okay?”

    Smoked Through A Second Opinion

    | AB, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (My aunt has smoked all her life. Some years back she was getting winded climbing stairs so she went to see her doctor. When she next saw my mother, her sister:)

    Mother: “So, what did the doctor say?”

    Aunt: “He told me I’m getting emphysema and if I don’t stop smoking I’ll be lugging around an oxygen tank within two years.” *pause* “I think I need a new doctor.”

    (Sadly, she needed an oxygen tank within six months – and she still sneaks cigarettes.)

    Getting Crabby With The Injury

    | USA | Siblings

    (I’m sitting in the living room, and my little sister is on the other side of the room.)

    Sister: “I have a crab on my leg.”

    Me: “You have a… crab on your leg?”

    Sister: “Yeah.” *she points to the back of her leg* “Right there.”

    Me: “A crab?”

    Sister: “Yeah.”

    Me: “You mean a SCRAPE?”

    Sister: “It WAS a scrape.”

    Me: *realizes* “Ohhhh. You have a SCAB on your leg.”

    Sister: “Yeah, I have a scab.”

    The Odds Are Not In Your Favor

    | IN, USA | Siblings

    (My sister and I are watching ‘The Hunger Games,’ I am 22 and she is 14. I am also on my computer writing.)

    Sister: “[My Name], would you Volunteer as tribute for me?”

    Me: *without hesitation* “Nope.”

    Sister: “What?!”

    My Vietipino History

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My mom is trying to tell us about our grandpa and what he was doing during WWII.)

    Mom: “Your grandpa was in the Philippines working on the Ho Chi Minh trail.”

    (At this point, my sister and I give each other smiles.)

    Sister: “Good morning, Vietnam!”

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