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    Mom And Dad Are Too Happy For You

    | TX, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (My boyfriend and I have known each other for over 10 years, but have only been dating for a few. He met my parents before and they were friendly, but this occurred after we announced that we were dating. My parents love to embarrass new boyfriends as a test to see if they’ll stick around and fit in well.)

    Me: “So… [Boyfriend] and I are dating now.”

    Mom: “Really!? Finally! Now we can have some fun.”

    Dad: “Yeah! We get to have the talk!”

    Boyfriend: “Uh… the talk?”

    Dad: *suddenly serious* “I know my daughter is not as innocent as she tries to appear. [Boyfriend], do you make her happy?”

    (My boyfriend, having not seen this side of my parents, doesn’t seem to understand.)

    Boyfriend: “Well, we’re dating, so I hope so…”

    Dad: “No, no. Do you make her happy?!” *he adds elaborate air quotes to emphasize his point*

    (My boyfriend still appears clueless.)

    Mom: “D*****, [Boyfriend]! Are you good in bed?”

    (My boyfriend turned bright red and couldn’t respond. He stuck around, so he passed the test, but my parents have made it a game to pick on him regularly and try to make him blush.)

    The Undiscovered Beverage

    | SC, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I pour a Mountain Dew Baja Blast (which is blue) into a glass and sit down in the living room.)

    Mom: “That looks like Romulan Ale!”

    Dad: “Isn’t Romulan Ale illegal?”

    Me: “Not in this house, apparently.”

    Dad: *nods* “You’ll find there are perks to being so far from the Federation.”

    The Moon Can Wait For Nap Time

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Siblings

    (I’m talking with my two-year-old brother, who’s just gotten a NASA suit for his Halloween costume.)

    Me: “Hey, bud, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

    Brother: “An astronaut!”

    Me: “So you’re going to go into space?”

    Brother: “Yeah, after my nap!”

    Separating The Truth From The Goats

    | USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

    (My five-year-old cousin is staying with us for the weekend while his parents are on vacation. Most of the time he’s with us he watches me play a video game. He tends to describe movies and TV shows as though they’ve actually happened to him, which leads to this exchange when his mother comes to pick him up on Monday.)

    Aunt: “So what did you do with [My Name] while I was gone?”

    Cousin: “We found a magic sword, fought evil goat people, and saved the Angel of Hope from demons!”

    Aunt: “… You did what?” *to me* “Did this actually happen?”

    Me: “Of course, [Aunt]. I really did take [Cousin] on a journey to find a magic sword and save the Angel of Hope from demons. That’s why we have goat skulls impaled on sticks in the front yard. Gotta keep those goat people away from the cottage somehow!”

    (I think she got that it was a video game after that, but part of me likes to think she looked around for goat skulls on the way out…)

    I’m Marrying A Firestarter

    | Lawton, OK, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (When this happened, I had recently started seeing the man I would eventually marry. I am at his apartment, attempting to fry chicken. Unfortunately, I have not turned the heat down once the oil gets up to temperature, and it starts to smoke. The fire alarm goes off, of course, and my phone starts ringing at the same time. My then-boyfriend answers:)

    Him: “Stand by, the kitchens on fire!”

    (And those were the first words he ever spoke to my mother!)


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