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    The Mood Is Gone

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My brother recently got laid off and the financial issues have caused him to fight with his girlfriend, which means he’s been staying at home lately. I work at a cinema so in an attempt to cheer him up I offer to take him to see some movies.)

    Me: “Is there anything you want to go see? I have a bunch of free passes.”

    Brother: “Well, assuming that my girlfriend doesn’t dump me, we could go see ‘Gone Girl.'”

    Me: “…I don’t want to be a d***, but can I just point out the irony of that sentence?”

    Mom: “You’re being a d***, honey.”

    Please State The Nature Of The Actor Name Emergency

    | Winston-Salem, NC, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

    (I’m talking to my mom and her girlfriend about some Star Trek trivia I’d been reading since I finished Voyager. My mom’s a longtime Trekkie but her girlfriend is not.)

    Me: “And when he auditioned for Voyager, Robert Picardo—”

    Girlfriend: “Jean-Luc!”

    Me: “No, Robert Picardo is—”

    Girlfriend: “The Captain, Jean-Luc!”

    Mom: “Jean-Luc Picard was played by Patrick Stewart. Robert Picardo played a different character.”

    Me: “He was the doctor, the emergency medical hologram.”

    Girlfriend: “Oh, sorry!”

    Mom: “What were you saying about him?”

    Me: “…I don’t remember.”

    The Phrasing Is Worse Than The Cure

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (I attempt to give my 14-year-old daughter some cough, cold, and flu medicine that is as thick as molasses, brown, and tastes horrible. It is a credit to her that she was able to keep down the amount she swallows. I say Dad must have bought it, because I would not buy something that looked that ghastly. Later on I tell my husband about it, and he teases her about not being able to drink it.)

    Me: *handing him the bottle* “If you are so brave, you have some.”

    (He opens the bottle and takes a swig. He keeps a straight face.)

    Husband: “I have to go lick the a** of a skunk now to get the taste out of my mouth!”

    Me: “Okay… good affirmation that it actually does taste bad, but did you have to phrase it that way?”

    These Parents Aren’t Sleeping On The Job

    | London, England, UK | Parents & Guardians

    (My parents have gone out for the evening leaving me home alone, I’m 14 and am quite capable of looking out for myself. I go to bed at about 11 pm and my parents come home around 1 am. My dad is a bit drunk and walks into my room.)

    Dad: “[My Name], are you awake?”

    Me: “Um, I am now…”

    Dad: “I thought you might be hungry so I made your some toast.”

    Me: “Err, okay, put it over there, please.”

    (I start nibbling some toast and about 15 minutes later he comes back.)

    Dad: “I thought you might be thirsty… so I got you some juice.”

    Me: “…Thanks”

    (I eat some toast and drink some juice and go back to sleep. About an hour or so later he comes back.)

    Dad: “[My Name]… Sorry I woke you up…”

    Me: “…”

    He Mexican’t Read The Map

    | Boone, NC, USA | Grandparents

    (Most of my family is up at my grandparent’s house, having dinner. We all love to travel and my grandparents often plan big family trips, which is what we’re discussing.)

    Grandma: “So, I was thinking about Christmas. How does Baja in Mexico sound?”

    Me: “Baja California, or Baja California Sur?”

    (Those are the two Mexican states that make up the rather large Baja peninsula.)

    Dad: “She said Mexico, not California! What the hell? I thought you were good at geography!”

    (We ended up going to Key Largo.)

    Chicken Is The Center Of The Community

    | Rescue, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am 15 years old. My father is mostly deaf, but he usually can interpret what people are saying by reading their lips and/or extrapolating from the bits that he is able to understand.)

    Me: “Hey, Dad, can you give me a ride to the community center?”

    Dad: “We’re having chicken.”

    Me: “O…kay, thanks.”

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