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    Naivety Is Too Precious

    | San Jose, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (My family is  together watching Lord of the Rings from the very beginning.)

    Mom: “What are these? Dwarves?”

    (My family tends to troll my mother.)

    Brother: “Yes.”

    Dad: “Yeah, it’s the chief dwarf’s wedding.”

    Me: *taking pity* “No, they’re hobbits. It’s that Bilbo’s birthday, and also Frodo’s.”

    Mom: “I wonder where they found these actors.”

    Brother: “Oh, they’re in New Zealand. They have this whole village of midgets.”

    Dad: “Yeah. It’s an actual village they recruited.”

    Me: “But they don’t like being called midgets. The tallest person in that village is 4’10″.”

    Mom: “Really?”

    Us: “Yes.”

    (We kept going until my brother and I started cracking up- and even then she was still unsure if we were joking or not.)

    This Argument Turned Ugly

    | Prince George, BC, Canada | Children, Cousins, Parents & Guardians

    (We’re all at my grandparent’s house for a birthday party. My mom has just told my cousin, who is about seven at the time, to do something he doesn’t want to do.)

    Cousin: *huffily* “You’re not my mom! Why do I have to listen to you?”

    Mom: *jokingly, but making a somewhat scary face at the same time* “Because I’m bigger, meaner, and uglier than you are!”

    (My cousin grapples with this for a minute before coming up with a retort.)

    Cousin: “You are not uglier than me!”

    A Babe In The Woods

    | Italy | Children, Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (I am about five years old, and I tell my sister of three years that she had been found in the woods outside our house and that she is not actually my real sister. Fast forward two years later:)

    Mom: “Stop throwing tantrums, start behaving, and follow your sister’s example!”

    Little Sister: “I know she is not my sister! She told me that I was found outside in the woods. You are not my real mom!”

    (I had completely forgotten about that, but my sister had been believing that she was found in the woods for two years!)

    Might Have A Liquorice Problem

    | GA, USA | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians

    (I am about six years old at the time, and I’m quite sick. My mother and grandmother have given me a children’s dose of [Brand Cold Medicine].)

    Me: *drinking the medicine and making a bad face* “Ugh, this tastes like liquor!”

    Mom: “Liquor!?!”

    Me: “Yeah, the yucky kind of liquor!”

    Grandmother: “Where on earth did you get liquor!?!”

    Mom: “And who gave it to you!?!”

    Me: “You know, when we went to [Local Ice Cream Bar that has a variety of toppings] and I wanted the red liquor pieces that I like, but I also tried the black liquor and it was really nasty. This stuff tastes like the black liquor!”

    Mom: “Oh, licorice!”

    (Both started laughing. It was many years before I realized why my mother and grandmother looked ready to kill someone over a six-year-old having licorice!)

    The Birth Certification Of Emily Rose

    | USA | Siblings

    (14 years ago, my older sister had a baby boy. I let everyone know that I would like a niece next. Six nephews later, my younger sister has a girl. I’m a writer with naming apps on my phone and books on naming and she bounces names off of me. Since it’s looking like I will never get to have kids, I’m thrilled to have input.)

    Sister: “I think we have a name. Emily Rose?”

    Me: “That is gorgeous. I love the name Emily.”

    Sister: “Or we might spell it the French way; Emilie.”

    Me: “That’s also good. You have actresses Emilie Ravin and Clark and a painter named Emilie that I like.”

    Sister: “But Emily Rose isn’t too common, is it?”

    Me: “Other than the occult psychology movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose? Not really.”

    Sister: “Gah! Why’d you say that?”

    Me: “It’s not that well-known! And it’s inspirational! The girl chooses to suffer so she can be an influence for good!”

    Sister: “Now I can’t use it! If my next idea has a creepy association, don’t tell me!”

    Me: “Please, don’t hate me…”

    (I really shouldn’t have mentioned the connection to the person who didn’t like creepy basements. At the time of this submission, the baby’s three days old and I might be the reason she doesn’t have a name yet. I just lost my best aunt ever certification.)

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