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    Heard The Penny Drop, Too

    | CA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Top

    (My wife and I are visiting my father who was in the US Navy, where he worked with sonar. He has CRAZY good hearing. We are upstairs in a closed room; he is downstairs working on the computer.)

    Me: “What do you want to do tomorrow?”

    Wife: “I don’t know. Do you think your dad would take us down to Tijuana?”

    Dad: *yelling from downstairs* “That sounds like a great idea! We can go tomorrow.”

    Wife: *even quieter* “We are NEVER having sex in this house.”

    Dad: *yelling again* “Thank you!”

    Working In The Office Of Outdated Ideas

    | UK | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

    (I’ve just started a new job and I’m visiting my cousin in another part of the country. She’s taken me to her local nursing home to visit my elderly auntie who I haven’t seen for several years.)

    Aunt: “So, what does your husband do?”

    Me: “He’s an electrician.”

    Aunt: “Oh, that’s a good job. Are you working?”

    Me: “Yes, I’ve just started a new job, in personnel.”

    Aunt: “What’s that?”

    Me: “I do payroll, and holiday and sick leave. Things like that.”

    Aunt: “Pay? And holiday? I don’t understand. You’re a cook? A cleaner? What do you do?”

    Me: “Um, I sort out pay for the workers. You know, their wages?”

    Aunt: *looking very confused* “What?”

    (I look helplessly at my cousin, not sure how to explain.)

    Cousin: “Auntie, she works in an office.”

    Aunt: “Oh! Office work. You should have said!”

    (Apparently, in Auntie’s world, there are only three types of job for a woman – cook, cleaner, or ‘office work’!)

    Only Knew Half The Snorey Story

    | Jordan | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m rooming with my mum while on holiday with my family as she had wanted some peace and quiet away from my dad’s snoring.)

    Mum: “I’m going to shower, since you take ages, and after that I’m going to sleep.”

    Me: “Okay, go ahead.”

    (After my shower, I enter the room…)

    Mum: *mumbling*

    Me: “Ma? I thought you said you were going to sleep? Why are you still up?”

    Mum: *silent*

    (I walk over to see that my mum was asleep. She suddenly breaks out singing a few lines!)

    Me: “…”

    Mum: “Shh!” *suddenly starts singing again* “Shhh! Shhhhhhhh!”

    (The next day, at breakfast, I confront my dad.)

    Me: “Ma started mumbling and singing in her sleep last night!”

    Dad: “Yeah, she sleep talks.”

    Me: *to Mum* “You mean you wanted to get away from Dad’s snoring even though you yourself talk the whole night?”

    She’ll Understand When She’s Older

    | NY, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (When driving onto a military installation you have to stop and present your ID to the gate guard. I am driving through with my five-year-old.)

    Guard: “Okay, young lady. Have a nice day.”

    Daughter: “Mommy, why did he call you a young lady? You’re not young!”

    OMG-YN

    | LA, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Siblings

    (I’ve just started dating a guy, and I’m looking forward to becoming sexually active for the first time ever. I decide I need to find an OB-GYN.)

    Mom: “Hey, I know you’re looking for a doctor. A coworker recommended this lady.”

    (She sends me a link to a website with a doctor’s profile. The woman’s name rings a bell, so I type her into Facebook to see if I know her. Then I pick up the phone and call my mom.)

    Me: “Hey. So, you know that doctor you sent me?”

    Mom: “Yeah?”

    Me: “That’s [Boyfriend]‘s sister.”

    Mom: “You’re kidding.”

    Me: “So, I’m NOT GOING TO DO THAT! OH, MY GOD.”

    Mom: *cracking up* “You could make your vagina a family affair!”

    (Thank god for Facebook. Before that point I only vaguely knew my boyfriend’s sister was a doctor. I can only imagine getting introduced to his family…)


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