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  • Classic Dad Behavior

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m a huge fan of metal music, while the rest of my family is very traditional and disapproves of it. I’ve just gotten some new music for my iPod and am playing it at a reasonable volume from my speakers at about 8 o’clock in the evening.)

    Dad: *enters room without knocking* “Turn that off! It’s way too late to be listening to that stuff! You need to be more respectful of other people.”

    (A few days later my dad plays classical music at about 11:30 at night, and it is loud enough that I can’t fall asleep.)

    Me: “Sorry to bother you, but would you mind turning that down a bit? I can’t sleep.”

    Dad: “Stop always thinking about yourself. Besides, it’s classical music so you should appreciate it.”

    (Believe it or not, this kind of thing is a normal occurrence for me.)

    Not Kidding Around About Kidding Around

    | Pasadena, MD, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (This happened a few years after I came out as a lesbian to my mother, who hasn’t been the most accepting.)

    Mom: “You know I want to have grandkids one day right?”

    Me: “I think [Brother] took care of that already.”

    Mom: “I mean from you.”

    Me: “Nope, don’t want kids.”

    Mom: “You never know. You may change your mind down the road.”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s true. I may even meet a girl with kids already.”

    Mom: “I’m hoping you’ll have kids one day.”

    Me: “I still think that’s up to me.”

    Mom: “With a man.”

    Me: “Well, no kids it is, then.”

    That Was Surprisingly A Piece Of Cake

    | Pawtucket, RI, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (I’m in the kitchen, baking pumpkin muffins. It’s around supper time, but the children have repeatedly been told that the muffins are for breakfast. My four-year-old son and 14-year-old daughter are in the kitchen.)

    Son: “Mama, can I taste a muffin to make sure it’s good enough for breakfast?”

    Daughter: “It’s okay, [Son], I already tasted them and they’re good enough.”

    Son: “Okay, then, never mind. I don’t need to taste them. I didn’t know [Daughter] already did it!”

    (My daughter catches herself on the doorway to avoid falling over in shock.)

    Mom: “Didn’t expect that to work, did you?”

    Daughter: “No, not at all!”

    Trying To Be Better, Gosh Darn It

    | NSW, Australia | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My mum and I love watching black and white public service announcements on better living because we both find them hilarious. We’ve just watched one on better family life.)

    Me: *imitating the daughter from the PSA* “Gee, mother, do you think [Friend] could come over this Sunday? Only, we were fixing to make some cakes for [Other Friend]’s birthday.”

    Mum: *imitating the mother* “Well, I don’t know, daughter. I think we should call a family meeting when father gets home. I’m sure it would be all right as long as you help me fix the dinner and do the dishes afterwards.”

    Me: “Golly, mother, you’re just swell!”

    (We’ve both cracked up when we hear my sister shouting from her bedroom.)

    Sister: “What the h*** are you two doing?!”

    Mum: “We’re just trying to be a better family.”

    The Only Raisin She Baked Them

    | CA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I am visiting my parents who have my younger sister and her son living with them at the time. My sister has stepped out to pick up her son from daycare. I find some chocolate chip cookies she has baked and try one. They are OK, but during one of the bites, I notice something odd. I realize it’s a raisin in the chocolate chip cookie! Curious, I text message her about it.)

    Me: “Why is there a raisin in one of your chocolate chip cookies?

    Sister: “You found the prize!”

    (Our mother comes inside and sees me looking perplexed.)

    Mom: “What’s wrong?”

    Me: “Apparently, [Sister] has invented ‘Chocolate Chip & a Raisin Cookies.'”

    (When my sister got home, I asked her to confirm and she had indeed added a single raisin to the batch of cookies.)

    He’s Got Big Dreams


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