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    Recovered From The Fiever

    | CA, USA | Children, Siblings

    (We have picked up our kids from school and are driving home when I overhear this exchange in the backseat.)

    Seven Year Old: *quietly singing*

    Five Year Old: “Stop singing Justin Bieber! We hate him!”

    Seven Year Old: “You don’t hate him. I know your secret about Justin Bieber! You told me last night.”

    Five Year Old: “LAST NIGHT I JUST WAS A FOOL!”

    Worried About His Other Snake

    | GA, USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (I have a rather large bosom, and do not particularly care to wear tank tops. On this day I’ve recently been tattooed and am babying the area by letting it breathe which means I’ve relented and am wearing a tank top. I’m at my friend’s house, on the couch reading, when my friend’s step-father comes in.)

    Friend’s Step-Father: “Look what I found while walking the dog.” *brings a small dead snake a couple inches away from my face and dangles it there*

    Me: *barely glancing up* “Oh, that’s nice. Could you please move it? I’m trying to read.”

    (He refuses to move the snake and instead moves it a bit further down.)

    Me: “Move the snake. It doesn’t bother me. I’m trying to read.”

    (Again, he moves it a bit further down.)

    Me: *looking up and meeting his eye* “Move the d*** snake. I’m reading here, okay? There’s no need to keep shoving it in my face! Snakes don’t bother me!”

    Friend’s Step-Father: *leers* “Oh, I wasn’t trying to put it in your face; I was trying to put it down your shirt.” *gazes at my chest for a few moments*

    (The worst part was I eventually had to stop coming over because every time I did he’d flirt with me in front of his young daughter, which made things very awkward.)

    Chose The Lesser Of Two Evils

    | AK, USA | Siblings

    (My sister and I both take a ‘Which British Villain Are You?’ quiz. I got Loki. She got the Sheriff of Nottingham. We were talking about her results.)

    Sister: “I didn’t see that one coming.”

    Me: “How cruel were you?”

    Sister: “Not too cruel… I waved at the kitty before I destroyed it.”

    Me: “Well, that explains it…”

    Will Have To Take It As Read

    | USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My four year old comes home from preschool with a crayon drawing he has made. He proudly hands it to me.)

    Son: “It’s for you, mama!”

    Me: “Wow, thank you! I love it. Oh, and I see you have some words on here. What do they say?”

    Son: “I don’t know. I can’t read.”

    Going Out On A Limb For A Punch-line

    | NY, USA | Siblings

    (Two of my brothers are in a car accident. It leaves one with just a broken leg, but the other’s right forearm is crushed, forcing them to amputate it at the elbow. He’s been out of surgery for a few hours and we are all very anxious to see him. Finally, we are told that he is awake and we can go into his room for a few minutes. I’m a little nervous to see him in such a helpless state, because he’s normally a very upbeat and energetic person.)

    Me: “Hey…”

    Brother: “Hi, guys.”

    Sister-In-Law: “How do you feel?”

    Brother: “Not very good. They cut off my arm, so that sucks.”

    Me: “Yeah. I’m sorry, dude.”

    Brother: “But on the OTHER HAND…”

    (He waves his left hand at us, grinning. Our sister-in-law starts crying and laughing at the same time and has to sit down. My brother has since made a full recovery, and never misses the chance to make an arm pun.)

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