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    The More Popular Animals

    | Reno, NV, USA | Nephews & Nieces, Siblings

    (My sister, her 18-month-old son, and I are walking through a local pet store to decide whether to get a fish for the house. My nephew has been talking for a while but his pronunciation still needs work.)

    Nephew: *pointing at the fish tanks excitedly* “Look! Look, Mommy! B*****s!”

    Me: *stifles laughter*

    Sister: “No! No, [Nephew], those are FISHES.”

    Nephew: “Yeah! B*****s!”

    Me: *continues to hide laughter* “Why don’t we go look at something else?”

    Sister: *shoots dirty look at me* “…Yeah.”

    (We continue on to the reptile section and [Nephew] gets excited again when he sees the frog tanks.)

    Nephew: “Mommy! Mommy! F***s! F***s!”

    Sister: “[Nephew], no! Those are FROGS! Can you say frogs?”

    Nephew: “Yeah! Look at da f***s!”

    Sister: *facepalm*

    Me: *practically on the floor with laughter*

    Sister: *turning towards the exit* “Okay, time to go.”

    Nephew: “No! No Mommy! Want f***s! Want B*****s!”

    Sister: “We’re going home now, [Nephew]. No frogs or fishes.”

    (My nephew proceeds to throw a huge fit, breaking down into tears within the first few seconds, and as we head out, managing to avoid the awkward stares of the other people, I stop laughing for a second.)

    Me: “Aw, come on, [Sister], everybody wants f***s and b*****s!”

    No Warm Feelings In Your Tummy Here

    | Wollongong, NSW, Australia | Nephews & Nieces

    (My four-year-old nephew and I are looking at some of his baby pictures.)

    Me: “You were so cute!”

    Nephew: “You loved me when I was a baby, didn’t you?”

    Me: “I’ve loved you from the very moment you were born; I was in the room when you came out of your mummy’s tummy, you know.”

    Nephew: “No! I came out of her VAGINA!”

    Don’t Joke About The Pancakes

    | Martinez, CA, USA | Siblings

    (I, my older brother, and my older sister are waiting for our food at [Restaurant known for pancakes]. I keep looking back waiting for my huge stack of chocolate chip pancakes because I am really hungry, and my siblings are laughing at me because of it.)

    Me: *sitting at the table drinking apple juice*

    Sister: “Your food’s here.”

    Me: *turns around* “WHERE?!”

    Brother: *starts laughing and gasping* “Oh, you fell for it!”

    Me: *glares at sister and stays silent for a while, before turning to her* “Your make-up’s smeared.”

    Sister: “Where?”

    Brother: *laughs hysterically* “How did you not see that coming?”

    Sister: *glares at me*

    Block Out The Bad Language

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m about two in this story. I can’t get two Mega Blocks to fit together.)

    Me: “D***, d***, d***, d***, d***!”

    (My mom glares at my dad.)

    Dad: “I swear she didn’t learn that from me.”

    Should Have Thought A Head

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (At my high school, we have off campus lunch where we’re allowed to walk around the city. On this particular day I’ve been unfortunate enough to have a bird poop on my hair.)

    Mom: “You must be tired.”

    Me: “Yeah, I really am. What’s for dinner?”

    (My dad kisses my head.)

    Dad: “What do you want?”

    Me: “Did you really just kiss my head?!”

    (Dad’s eyes widen in realization as he runs upstairs to wash his mouth.)

    Literally Losing Yourself In A Book

    | Pepperell, MA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am sitting in my room reading a book. I do not have headphones on, my radio is off, the television downstairs is off, and it’s a quiet day in general.)

    Mom: *screaming from ten feet away* “[MY NAME]!”

    Me: “AUGH! WHAT?!”

    Mom: “I’ve been calling you for five minutes!”

    (I’d been so engrossed in my book that I had blocked out the entire world around me!)

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