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    The Parenthood Of The Missing Pants, Part 2

    | FL, USA | Parents & Guardians

    Mom: “[My Name], I think I made a mistake when sorting clothes. A couple pairs of your underwear ended up with my stuff and I didn’t realize it until I was wide awake and at work.”

    Me: “So… where are they?”

    Mom: “ON ME. D***, girl, weren’t you paying attention?!”

    The Parenthood Of The Missing Pants
    The Parenthood Of The Travelling Rants
    The Daughterhood Of The Virginal Pants
    The Daughterhood Of The Missing Pants
    The Motherhood Of The Struggling Pants
    The Siblinghood Of The Travelling Pants

    Her Argument Doesn’t Hold Water

    | IL, USA | Parents & Guardians

    Mom: “[My Name]! The bathroom ceiling needs to be repainted!”

    Me: “Ugh, I’ve already done it twice! It’s water damage. It’s just going to keep happening!”

    Mom: “No, it’s not! It’s from moisture.”

    Me: “Mom… what is water?”

    Mom: “Uh…”

    Egg-stra Strong Sun Block

    | Everett, WA, USA | Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (I’m riding with my mom, dad, and 10-year-old nephew, and we get on the subject of sunburns. Someone mentions hearing that you can use whipped egg whites on sunburns, but that they need to be fresh or you could do more harm than good.)

    Me: “So, if you get sunburned, buy a chicken?”

    Nephew: “You can’t get sunburned by a chicken!”

    Marriage Is Bliss, And So Is Ignorance

    | IL, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My father is a very conservative man, and is dead-set against my fiancé and I living together before we are married. However, we’ve moved in together to save money for the wedding. My mother knows but my father, presumably, doesn’t.)

    Mom: “Have you started looking for a bigger apartment? You and [Fiancé] are going to need more room than you’ve currently got.”

    Me: *glancing at Dad* “Wait, are we not pretending I live by myself any more?”

    Dad: “I am!” *covers his ears* “LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!”

    Beat You To The Punch

    | Hanover, PA, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (We’re coming out of a major restaurant chain, and my daughter and I are discussing the frequent-diner punch-cards they give out.)

    Me: “Yeah, I used to have six or seven of these. We’d come in and spend enough to fill one up, but I always had better coupons, so I never used them. Come in; punch one out. Come in; punch one out…”

    Son: *coming around the corner* “Who are we punching for discounts now?”

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