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    Losing Your Religion Over It

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters, Theme Of The Month

    (I am in my local Pakistani owned corner shop, shortly before Christmas. The owner’s two young children are playing around the shelves in the shop.)

    Owner: *to his kids* “Hey, you two. If you don’t start behaving, I’ll phone Santa and remind him we are Muslim.”

    Hooked On Gingerbread

    | WA, USA | Cousins, Theme Of The Month

    (My little cousin that’s about four is decorating his tiny Christmas tree with ornaments when he finds his favorite gingerbread man ornament doesn’t have the metal hook to hang it on the tree.)

    Cousin: “Oh, no! This gingerbread man lost his hooker!”

    Me: “What?!”

    Cousin: “You know, the metal thingy to hang him on the tree!”

    (I tried explaining that he should not use that word, but he was too young to understand that “hooker” was a naughty word and incorrect for what he was talking about. A few days later, we went to take pictures with Santa.)

    Santa: “Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas, young man! Is there anything you would like for Christmas?”

    Cousin: *yells loudly* “A GINGERBREAD MAN WITH A HOOKER!”

    Rules Rumming Wild

    | Kent, England, UK | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (My grandparents are visiting for Christmas and we spend the afternoon playing board games. One of them is Rummikub, a game with numbered tiles that requires some strategy and quick thinking. There is a heated dispute over the rules as our version is newer than my grandparents’ game, and has updated rules.)

    Mum: *reading from the box lid* “Rummikub: Brings people together!”

    Setting Up The Christmas Tree Is Hellish

    | VA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (This happened the year we moved to a new house. It’s December, and we’ve started setting up the tree. Naturally everything is a bit disorganized.)

    Mother: “Everything was in this box! I know it was!”

    Brother: “Where are the icicles?”

    Mother: “THE ICICLES WENT TO HELL!”

    (We all stop what we’re doing and just stare at her.)

    Mother: “…did I say that out loud?”

    Me: “Yes. Yes, you did.”

    (Every year we still talk about ‘going to get the icicles out of Hell.’)

    His String Theory Is Flawed

    | Surrey, England, UK | Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (My and my sister’s workplace hold a secret Santa, I am given a candy G-string. My brother is 23.)

    Brother: “What I don’t get is how you expect to use candy underwear more than once.”

    Me: *pointedly* “I don’t think it survives the first use…”

    Brother: “Oh… OH! That makes sense.”

    Me: *facepalm*


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