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  • Caught Him Off Guard
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    They’ll Go To Hell Before They Say ‘I Love You’

    | USA | Aunts & Uncles, Cousins

    (I stopped by my aunt’s to drop some stuff she asked me to bring before going home. She has 19-year-old twin sons.)

    Me: “Aunt [Name]! I’m here!”

    Aunt: “Hi, Sweety, Thank you so much. So sorry to bother you, dear.”

    Me: “Oh! Come on, anything for my family. Here, I know you love chocolates.”

    Aunt: “Oh, I love you!”

    Me: *hugs her* “Love you, too.”

    (During this exchange, my cousins were sitting there watching TV. Then this happens.)

    Cousin #1: *staring at the screen* “Hey [Cousin #2]? Go to h***.”

    Cousin #2: *staring at the screen* “Yeah. You, too.”

    Me: *confused* “What was that?”

    Aunt: *giggling* “That’s how they say they love each other. Twins are weird like that.”

    Me: “No, it’s cute. It’ll be cuter if they say ‘I love you’ though.”

    Cousins #1 & #2: *both at the same time* “Boys don’t say that. Only girls do.”

    Me: “Yup. Absolutely weird.”

    If The Shoe Fits…

    | USA | Siblings

    (My little sister is extremely open-minded, and also tends to say random things. She is currently trying on some new shoes.)

    Sister: *puts two different types of shoes on* “Hey, these look kinda cute together… like a couple! A shoe couple! Aww, they’re probably in love.” *holds them next to each other* “Don’t they make the cutest boyfriend and girlfriend? Oh, wait. They’re both girls’ shoes – does that mean they’re both girls? So they’re actually girlfriends!”

    Me: “What the h***!? Did you just comment on the sexual orientation of your SHOES?”

    Sister: “Yep. They’re such a perfect couple.”

    Me: “Dude, they’re shoes…”

    Sick Up To Her Eyeballs

    | West Point, NY, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My five-year-old has been sick for over a week, and has been missing school because of it. She’s starting to get better, but is still dragging it out because she doesn’t want to go back to school.)

    Me: “Tomorrow, you are going to school unless you’re bleeding from your eyeballs!”

    (She runs to the bathroom and comes back, pulling her cheeks down to show the linings of her eyes.)

    Daughter: “Mommy! My eyes are bleeding! I can’t go to school!”

    Caught Him Off Guard

    | NY, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Nephews & Nieces

    (I am a party with my boyfriend, hosted by his family. He has three brothers, two of which have children. Niece #1 has brought her boyfriend over for the first time, and Niece #2 is an actress/comedian. It’s important to note that I am a very tall, muscular, and intimidating man, and Niece #1′s boyfriend is rather nervous. He is chatting with Niece #2, and I happen to need his attention.)

    Me: “Hey, [Niece’s Boyfriend]!”

    (He jumps about a foot in the air and backs away from Niece #2 very quickly.)

    Niece’s Boyfriend: “Sorry, sir! Is there some kind of perimeter that I need to keep around her?”

    Me: “What are you talking about?”

    Niece’s Boyfriend: “Aren’t you her bodyguard?”

    Niece #2: “No, that’s my uncle’s boyfriend.”

    Niece #1: “This is their 25th anniversary party. I told you that!”

    Niece’s Boyfriend: “Wait, him? Really?!”

    (He had really, honestly believed that I was Niece #2′s bodyguard for the better part of two hours.)

    Very Clear Smoke Signals

    | Carlsbad, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (Police have come through our neighborhood to order an evacuation. I have gone to the back of the house and seen the massive smoke and worrisome orange glow, but my father has been doing other things upstairs. Finally he takes a moment to talk to me.)

    Dad: “What’s the danger?”

    Me: “I think there’s a fire. There’s a lot of smoke.”

    (Dad goes to a place where he can see out the back windows.)

    Dad: “Holy smokes! … So to speak.”

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