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    Needs To Understand The Elementary Aspects

    | Columbia, SC, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m attempting to show the TV show ‘Sherlock’ to my parents.)

    Mom: “Who’s that?”

    Me: “That’s Sherlock.”

    Mom: “And his friend is… Holmes?”

    Me: “Um… Holmes is his last name. His friend is Dr. Watson.”

    Mom: “And who’s that?”

    Me: “That’s Watson. I just said that. How long has it been since you read any of the stories?”

    Mom: “Oh, a long time. Since the… 70s, I think.”

    Me: “… Maybe you ought to go to bed.”

    Dad: “OH! Burn!”

    Wrote A Captain’s Log

    | Columbia, MD, USA | Sons & Daughters, Teenagers

    (I’m browsing the science fiction section of a bookstore. A teenage girl and her mother are also.)

    Girl: “Oh, look! William Shatner wrote a book! I wonder if it’s any good?”

    Me: “Well, I hear he writes about as well as he acts…”

    Girl: *perplexed* “Is that good?”

    (Her mom and I just smile at each other.)

    The Universe Hangs In The Balance

    | SK, Canada | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I get to have [Treat Brand] every Tuesday and Thursday. It is a Wednesday. I had been sick for three days now, and today is the worst yet. I am trying to decide what to have for a bedtime snack, as I feel up to eating.)

    Me: “Ugh…”

    Dad: “We have [Brand], [Brand #2], [Treat Brand]…”

    Me: “[Treat Brand]?”

    Dad: “I know you’ve been having a hard time, so…”

    (Of course, I accepted. Later, as I am going to sleep…)

    Dad: “So [My Name] got [Treat Brand] today.”

    Mom: “Oh! How nice, [My Name].”

    Me: *slightly woozy from tiredness and illness* “The universe is back in balance…”

    Mom: “What?”

    Me: “When I get sugar the universe is balanced.”

    Money Doesn’t Grow On Family Trees

    | USA | Siblings

    (My sister has an unfortunate habit of mismanaging her money, and often asks to borrow money from someone, usually me. She calls me one day, making the familiar request.)

    Sister: “Hey, are you able to loan me any money? I really need some help and I can pay you back next week.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I don’t have it to give. This month’s been rough on me as well.”

    Sister: “Oh. Well, thanks anyway.” *hangs up*

    (An hour later, my phone rings again. It’s my sister.)

    Sister: “Are you sure you can’t loan me any money?”

    Me: “I assure you, I do not have anything to spare.”

    Sister: “Okay. Thanks.” *hangs up*

    (A half hour passes before my phone rings again. Once again, it’s my sister.)

    Sister: “I really need your help. I’ve called everyone in the family and no one can loan me any money. Can you please loan me some money?”

    Me: *finally losing it* “And when I tell you, ‘I don’t have the money,’ it’s not code for, ‘Please keep needling and begging until I cave and pull out the fat wad of cash I keep magically stored in my anus!’ It means I don’t f****** have it! Now quit badgering me!” *click*

    Ironic Meets Moronic

    | Lincolnshire, England, UK | Cousins

    (My cousin and I are driving, having a deep debate.)

    Cousin: “I do wish the Muslims would realise we westerners are not all the same.”

    (He’s still not grasped the irony!)

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