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    Wish You Could Be Anywhere Else

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom slips and falls down the stairs, twisting her ankle badly. There is no one there at the time, so she gets up barely and limps to the bathroom to bandage it. When I come home, I see her bruised and swollen ankle.)

    Me: “What happened?”

    Mom: “I fell down the stairs! And you weren’t there!”

    Me: “Mom, I was at school…”

    Mom: “YOU WEREN’T THERE!”

    (My dad arrived and made her go to the doctor to make sure it wasn’t broken. It wasn’t, and she kept staring at me accusingly and saying, ‘YOU WEREN’T THERE!’)

    Her Vision Is Not Quite Rock-Solid

    | Knoxville, TN, USA | Grandparents

    (My grandmother had pretty notable issues with her vision. I came to visit her in the hospital. Her room had a nice view of a river, and she was enjoying it.)

    Grandmother: “Do you see the ducks in the river?”

    (I look.)

    Me: “I don’t see any ducks, Granny.”

    Grandmother: “They’re on the river bank.”

    (I look again.)

    Me: “I don’t see them.”

    Grandmother: “Oh, they’re asleep. They put their heads under their wings to sleep, you know.”

    (At that point, I realize she was looking at the rocks on the river bank.)

    Me: “Oh, I see them now!”

    I Wan’t Cookies!


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    The Walking Dead: The Next Generation

    | QLD, Australia | Children, Siblings

    (I’m in a library waiting to check out some books. There are two young boys, clearly brothers, playing noisily nearby.)

    Boy #1: *runs past into the stacks screaming, but with a big smile*

    Boy #2: “Braaaaaains!”

    (I wonder where their parents are and why they’re allowing them to be so noisy.)

    Boy #1: *runs past again* “Mummy Mummy Mummy!”

    Boy #2: “Sheeeee’s deeeeeeead!”

    Elementally Challenged

    | NJ, USA | Announcements

    Dad: *noticing some samples* “What’s that?”

    Me: “Tuna.”

    Dad: “Two what?”

    Me: “Two Sodium.”

    (Sadly the joke went right over his head. After explaining it to him he understood.)

    Time To Get A New Sister

    | CA, USA | Siblings

    Sister: “Wake me up at 9:00 to do homework.”

    Me: *jokingly* “AM or PM?”

    Sister: “PM… now, what time are you waking me up?”

    Me: “10:00.”

    Sister: “No, 9:00.”

    Me: “9:00 AM?”

    Sister: “No, 9:00 PM.”

    Me: “6:00?”

    Sister: “Shut up.”

    Me: “Okay, okay, I will wake you up at 9:30 AM.”


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