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  • A Waxing Family Dynamic
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    Enough To Make Your Blood Boil

    | Tulalip, WA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I swat a mosquito and brush the body off my shirt, then notice:)

    Me: “Dagnabbit, mosquito! You got a bloodstain on my shirt!”

    Mom: “And I’m sure he put it there deliberately, right?”

    Me: “Well, in his dying throes, he decided to spite my wardrobe.”

    Bodily Dysfunctions

    | India | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (This happens when I am four years old. My mother is pregnant with my sibling and is asking me to go to the toilet but I am refusing.)

    Mom: “[My Name], go to the toilet this instant! You don’t want me calling your Dad, do you?!

    Me: “NO! *indignantly* [Baby] doesn’t go to the toilet either! It. Does. Not. Poop!”

    A Waxing Family Dynamic

    | NV, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My parents are gay men; I was born via a surrogate. Dad #1 is a bit of a joker, while Dad #2 is more serious. One day I am attempting to wax my legs for the first time. Apparently I am doing it wrong and it hurts a LOT.)

    Me: *yells* “MOTHER-F*****!”

    Dad #1: *calls from the other room* “Did you call me?”

    Dad #2: *to Dad #1* “You had better not be a mother-f*****!”

    A Cheap Shot At Dad

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I am five and my sister eight. We’re watching a commercial for a car dealership.)

    Commercial: “Come to [Name]‘s Auto Dealership, the cheapest guy in town!”

    Sister: “Nuh-uh, dad’s the cheapest guy in town, not [Name]!”

    Me: “Yeah!”

    Mom: *laughs her head off*

    (I told my dad later about it, and he wasn’t as amused.)

    And There Is No Spoon

    | Ceredigion, Wales |

    (We’ve been looking after my ten-year-old nephew for a couple of days. When he’s here we get him to feed our three cats. Monday morning he feeds the cats and I walk past him while he’s doing so.)

    Nephew: “I am the boy who feeds cats.”

    Me: “Yep.”

    (I go into the bathroom.)

    Nephew: “I am the boy who feeds cats. To feed the cats you must be the cats. To feed the cats you must be the cats.”

    (I come out of the bathroom to find him on all fours next to the cats, pretending to eat from a bowl.)

    Me: “What are you doing?”

    Nephew: “To feed the cats you must be the cats…”


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