• Getting Him Out Of His Shell Dude - 260 votes
  • November Theme Of The Month: Thanksgiving!

    A Speedy Resolution

    | ID, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom has been borrowing my car while her own is at the mechanic’s. She’s a speed demon and I’m not.)

    Mom: “Your car starts to shake when I go over 70 MPH.”

    Me: “Then don’t go over 70.”

    Mom: *gives me the finger*

    Stupid By One Digit

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Friends, Parents & Guardians

    (Every Saturday, some of my parents’ friends come over to play cards. I’m doing my homework in a separate area when one wanders in and strikes up a conversation.)

    Family Friend: “I saw your new car in the driveway, by the way. It looks very nice. How much was it and what model is it?”

    Me: “It’s a 2014 [Brand] [Model]. We got it for [price], I think.”

    Family Friend: “2014 for that price? That’s a good bargain!”

    (Later in the evening, after everyone goes home, my mom eventually wanders in. Apparently, the family friend had relayed our earlier conversation to her.)

    Mom: “What you said was pretty close; the car was actually [different price] after all the add-ons.”

    Me: *sensing a lead-in* “Okay?”

    Mom: “Also, while it is indeed the 2014 model like you said… I told them it was the 2015 one.”

    (Naturally, this declaration surprises me, to say the least.)

    Me: “Um, why?”

    Mom: *defensively* “Well, you see, your father had mistakenly told everyone that it was a 2015 model, so if they knew that it was actually from 2014, they would think that he’s a liar who’s trying to make himself look better! So naturally, I had to back him up!”

    Me: “…So, just to make sure our family friends, who have known us for over 20 years, don’t think that dad is suddenly a self-absorbed compulsive liar, you intentionally made me look like the stupid, mistaken one instead, in order to corroborate a lie, all over a minor, honest mistake dad made? All this instead of admitting he was simply off by one digit?”

    Mom: *pauses* “…No, no. I wouldn’t make you look stupid, sweetie!”

    What A Dog’s Mother!

    | TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’ve recently come out to my parents as transgender. They haven’t spoken to me since. More recently, I had to put my dog to sleep, and I miss him terribly. I decide to text my mother to see if she will send me old pictures of him.)

    Me: “I guess I understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore, but would you consider sending me old pictures of [Dog]?”

    Mom: “I can’t right now. I’m picking up prescriptions for Prozac and Xanax to deal with how stressed out you’ve made me.”

    (Well, gosh, I’m part of a marginalized identity and my dog died, but I’m sure sorry she’s stressed out over it!)

    Home-Baked Movie Quotes

    | MN, USA | Siblings

    (My brother, mom, and I are in the car. My brother is eating a homemade sandwich which happens to have a lot of flour sprinkled on it. We both have watched Mean Girls but my brother does not like it; however, I do.)

    Brother: “There’s so much flour on this bread! It’s getting everywhere.”

    Mom: “Well, they want the bread to look more artisan.”

    Brother: “Ugh! Why is this bread so white?”

    Me: “Oh, my god, [Brother], you can’t just ask bread why it’s white!”

    Brother: *stops eating and stares at me* “You did NOT.”

    Me: “I did.”

    Plaza Disaster

    | Australia | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m meeting my mum in a large town so my kids can have a holiday with her. She texts me to tell me where to meet her. There are several shopping plazas here.)

    Text: “I’m at the plaza. We will go and get lunch and wait for you.”

    (I ring to check I’m at the right plaza.)

    Me: “Hey, mum, which plaza are you at?”

    Mum: “It’s just a gigantic plaza. How can you be lost?”

    Me: “Because there’s THREE of them at different corners I the town. I’m just checking we are at the same one. Surely you could see the name on the doors you came through or ask someone?”

    Mum: “Well, you’ll have to work it out.” *to someone in background* “God, she’s lost AGAIN. She’s so useless. Now I’m going to have to waste my time going to find her…”

    (I found her by driving through every plaza’s car park, looking for her car.)

    Wipe The Floor With You

    | CA, USA | Siblings

    (My brother has just lost two very tiny screws and is now searching for them. His room is carpeted. He has just walked out of his closet with a large and very strong magnet.)

    Brother: “This is it, floor. Today is your day of reckoning.”