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    Angst Over The Ants

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    Mom: “So, lately, I’ve been having trouble with all these ants in the kitchen! We’re on the fifth floor, and yet they climb up and they’re everywhere! I’ve tried spraying, I’ve tried stomping, I’ve tried everything, but nothing gets rid of them!”

    Me: “Hmm… Mom, why do you still have that old ugly plant?!”

    (I’m talking about this old plant of hers that’s wide as three people, and about ten feet tall. She keeps it next to the kitchen in the dining room.)

    Mom: “It’s not ugly!”

    Me: “Mom. It’s half dead. You don’t clean it. I can see cobwebs and thick dust all over the leaves! And look at all those dead, gross leaves on the soil! Some are rotting!”

    Mom: “I don’t have time to clean it! And I water it everyday. Here, see?”

    (Mom gets a tall cup, fills it with water, and lovingly pours it into the plant. After a few moments, I look down and scream.)

    Me: “Mom, look! Ants!”

    (Ants start pouring out of the plant, desperately trying to get away from the water. Mom stares in shock.)

    Me: “You see! The ants have made their nest in this ugly big plant! Look, some are carrying their eggs to safety!”

    Mom: “…”

    (Mom still refuses to get rid of her beloved plant despite it being the source of her ant problem. She still waters it, and still stomps the ants everyday.)

    Get Your Head Out Of The Gutter

    | USA | Siblings

    (My siblings and I are having a fight about who does the most work.)

    Me: “I go to school and work. At least I’m not just sitting around like you two, scratching my coconuts!”

    Sister: *laughs* “You’re saying that we scratch our boobs and balls!”

    Brother: “No, idiot, coconut means heads! She meant head!”

    Sister: “Really?”

    Me: “Yes…”

    Can’t Always Get The Brother That You Want

    | Reno, NV, USA | Siblings

    (My brother and I are watching ‘House, MD.’ Two of the characters are engaged in a banter which involves quoting the song ‘you can’t always get what you want.’)

    Character: “You were right. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you can get what you need.”

    Brother: “Woah! That would make a great song.”

    Me: *laughing* “Mick Jagger thought so, too.”

    Brother: “Who?”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Didn’t Get That Straightened Out

    | MD, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I have just told my mother that I am asexual. Both of my parents are relatively non-bigoted, but EXTREMELY straight. They’re the straightest people I know.)

    Mom: “How do you know you don’t like sex if you’ve never tried it?”

    Me: “Well, how did you know that you didn’t like lesbian sex without trying it?”

    (My mother says nothing, but her face says it all.)

    Me: “I guess I walked into that one by asking about it, but that was way more information than I ever needed to know about you. Thanks, Mom. I’m glad we had this talk.”

    (I later learned that ‘I know virgins who are interested in sex even though they don’t know what it’s like’ is a much better analogy.)

    Yoko Oh No

    | Reno, NV, USA | Siblings

    Brother: “What’s a… ‘homie hopper’?”

    Me: “Um… one who hops homies? Like, the Yoko Ono of the group.”

    Brother: “What’s a Yoko Ono?”

    Me: “How am I related to you?”

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