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  • Stop Trying Our Patience
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    Not Just Exercise To Get The Blood Pumping

    | Denver, CO, UK | Parents & Guardians

    (My dad and I work out together whenever I visit, but this time I can’t due to cramps.)

    Dad: “[My Name], do you want to hit the gym?

    Me: “I can’t work out at this time of the month. It’s my moon phase.”

    Dad: *rolling eyes* “Why, do the phases of the moon affect you somehow?”

    Me: “Dad? ‘Time of the month?'”

    Dad: *realizing what I meant* “Ah, I don’t need to hear this!” *runs away with his fingers in his ears*

    Brownies Cure All Ills

    | Berkeley, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My dad is a health-food nut, while I am… not. I am very sick, so I’ve been in bed, not eating, and am reduced to reading the dictionary because I am so bored.)

    Dad: “I’m going to the store. Can I get you something? Juice?”

    Me: “How about a panacea?” *meaning a cure for all sickness/problems*

    Dad: “…How about a pan of brownies?”

    Stop Trying Our Patience

    | WA, USA | Cousins, Grandparents

    (My cousin is driving our elderly grandmother to an appointment and since there is no other traffic, decides to see if he can get a rise out of her. He speeds up, then comes to a screeching halt at a stop sign.

    Grandma: “Quit driving like a maniac!”

    Cousin: “I was just following directions; see, it says S-T-O-P. That stands for ‘Squeal Tires On Pavement.'”

    Grandma: “It does NOT! It stands for ‘Stop Teasing Old People!'”

    Disassembling Avengers Assemble

    | NS, Canada | Siblings

    (This conversation takes place between me and my 14 year old sister while I am looking up ‘Iron Man 3′ in Google images. She’s 100% serious.)

    Sister: “What are you looking at?”

    Me: “Poster for the new Iron Man movie.”

    Sister: “There’s another one?”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Sister: “OMG is that Gwyneth Paltrow?! Is she, like, his wife?”

    (Yes, she actually said ‘OMG.’)

    Me: “No, she’s his girlfriend in this movie.”

    Sister: “So what’s her superpower? Is that her costume?!” *points at female Iron Man Halloween costume on the page* “They’re like twins!”

    Me: “Please just stop.”

    Sister: “So, is the Joker the bad guy again?”

    Me: “No. That’s Batman. Go away.”

    Sister: “Is Superman going to show up and help him? They did that in The Avengers right?”

    Me: “What the… No. Just, stop. Please.”

    Sister: “I hope they make the movies into a book. I’d read it.”

    Me: *twitching slightly*

    Going STRAIGHT For Your LEFT Arm

    | NC, USA | Friends, Parents & Guardians

    (I’m driving my car, with my best friend. We’re headed to the mall to waste some time before I have to go pick my mom up from work and take her to the dealership to pick up her car. I’m telling my friend about my morning. Also relevant: previously I’ve told my friend about how frustrating my mom could be when she was teaching me to drive.)

    Me: “So, when I went to the doctor to adjust my meds, they wanted some bloodwork and a flu shot.”

    Friend: “Ugh!”

    Me: “Yeah, and whenever I get a flu shot, everybody feels the need to clap my on the left shoulder, so I got it in the right side this time. Had the same problem when I got my birth control implant. Mom noticed I was favoring that arm and kept squeezing it!”

    (Fast forward to driving my mom to get her car: she’s in the front passenger seat, and my friend is sitting in the back.)

    Mom: “Yeah, so you’ll want to go straight through this light. Oh! If you turn left here, that’s how I used to go back when I lived on [Street]!”

    Me: “So, do you want me to turn or not?”

    Mom: “No, no. It’s just the right way to get over there.”

    Me: “I’m hearing ‘get over to turn right,’ Mom.”

    Mom: “Ignore me, sweetie. I’m just rambling.” *starts squeezing my right bicep comfortingly*

    Me: “Arm! ARM! Flu shot! Changing gears!”

    Mom: “Oh crap! I keep doing that, don’t I? *reaches over to start messing with my hair, but catches herself*

    (After getting to the dealership in one piece and watching my mom drive off in her car, my friend and I are getting back into my car.)

    Friend: “Holy f***. You’d told me your mom was like that, but I thought you were exaggerating!”

    Me: “At least she wasn’t on the phone this time. ‘Yeah! No no no, go ahead! I just LEFT the store, going RIGHT home STRAIGHT away!'”

    Doesn’t Find It A-Mew-sing

    | USA | Pets & Animals, Siblings

    (I poke my brother’s cat.)

    Cat: *swipes at me*

    (I poke my brother.)

    Brother: *swipes at me, in exactly the same way*

    Me: “[Brother], you’re just like your cat!”

    Brother: “Huh? No, I’m NOT!”


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