I Love You More Than Life Insurance Itself

| TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My mother has come down with a rather nasty infection and has been confined to her bed. I have taken over the role of care-giver.)

Me: “All right, you have everything?”

Mother: *grumble*

Me: “Don’t need anything at all?”

Mother: “Come visit?”

Me: “To check if you’re still breathing?”

Mother: *louder grumble*

Me: “Awesome… and for future reference, where did you say you stored your life insurance papers?”

Mother: *detangles her arm from the blankets and gives me the finger*

Acting All Wifi And Mighty

| NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My family is on vacation in New York, visiting from Canada. I just got a new phone and don’t completely understand it yet, whereas my mom has had a phone many years.)

Me: “Um, mom, I just got a message saying I’m 25$ over my data limit.”

Mom: “What!? How could you do that!? Didn’t you know to turn your data off?”

Me: “I’m sorry! I’m still learning!”

(Ten minutes later:)

Mom: “You know you really need to be more careful with that phone what if you racked up hundreds of dollars?”

Me: “I said I’m sorry.”

(Another ten minutes later:)

Mom: “You know you always have to shut down data roaming and the rest of your apps. You can’t be so careless.”

(An hour later.)

Mom: “Hey, did I ever tell you about the last time I was in New York? I thought I was on wifi but I wasn’t and ended up spending 250$ over my data plan! But, hey, what can you do? Accidents happen you know?”

(Sadly this isn’t the first time she’s called me out for a minor mistake while seeing no problem with doing the same thing, just worse.)

Breathe A Sigh Of Relief

| Oshawa, ON Canada | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(I’m out on a grocery run with my step-mother and younger step-sister, getting last minute things for a road trip our parents are planning on taking. My step-mother steps away to grab something in the health care area, where there is also a convenience counter that sells things like lottery tickets and cigarettes.)

Step-Mother: *comes back with a small box that looks like a cigarette pack*

Me: “I didn’t know you smoked!”

Step-Mother: “What?!”

(I gesture to the package she’s brought. She laughs and shows me they’re actually medical breathing strips for people who snore.)

Me: “Oh, my god, they look just like a cigarette pack from a distance!”

Step-Mother: “That definitely wouldn’t have helped me at night!”

Step-Sister: “At least they both have something to do with breathing problems…”

Save The Date To Get Tested

| OH, USA | Cousins

(I have just received in the mail a ‘Save The Date’ for my cousin’s wedding. I decide to text him to thank him for having invited me and to confirm that I had received it.)

Me: “Got your STD today. Thanks!”

Cousin: “Huh?”

Me: “You are aware [His Fiancée] is planning your wedding, right?”

Cousin: “Okay… I just lost all my contacts… Don’t know who this is… All I saw was STD from me. Who is this?”

Me: “Oh, whoops! ‘Save The Date.’ This is [My Name], your cousin.”

Cousin: “That was my best laugh in a long time… Thanks!”

Crafting A Trick


Definitely Not Sugar-Coating It

| WI, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

(We are at the dinner table. My mother makes an agreement with my younger brother that if he eats three green beans he can have a donut, as my brother HATES almost all fruits and vegetables. He has the green beans on his fork but doesn’t want to eat them.)

Brother: “I don’t want to eat them!”

Mom: “Eat them.”

Brother: “But I don’t wanna!”

(My mom, fed up as this has been going on for about 10 minutes, finally cracks.)

Mom: “Listen [Brother], if you don’t start eating healthier especially at this age you will develop type two diabetes and have to test your blood sugar levels three to five times a day by poking yourself with a needle and testing the blood. Also you will have to go on a special diet and maybe have to take shots before and after meals to keep your blood sugar levels down, AND! If you keep eating like this you will go into a diabetic arrest and possibly DIE!”

(Not half a second after she said that my brother shoved the green beans into his mouth without a word.)

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