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    Blood Is Thicker Than Toilet Water

    | OH, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Top

    (I work for a local theme park during Halloween as a masked character. I have learned a few makeup tricks. I always stock up my supplies before the season starts. One of my heavily stocked items is stage blood. I am going through my supplies and notice that one of my old tubes is halfway dried up. My brother happens to walk in.)

    Brother: “Hey can I have some of your stage blood? I need it for my Halloween costume this year.”

    (I am going to toss it anyway, so I give it to him and that is that. A few weeks later my mother approaches me after I got home very late on a Saturday from the park.)

    Mom: “Did you give your brother any of your Halloween stuff?”

    Me: “Yes, just some stage blood I couldn’t use. Why?”

    Mom: “Grrrr.”

    (Mom walks away leaving me rather confused. I find out later why she is angry. It turns out my brother had waited until everyone was asleep one night. He then went into the bathroom, and heavily relieved himself—number two. He then emptied the blood on top of the mess, and left it there. He then hid in the closet outside of the bathroom and waited. Eventually my mother came in and saw it, screamed at the sight if it all, and was convinced one of her family had something happen to them. He was never allowed near my supplies again.)

    My Mother Versus The World

    | New Zealand | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (I am working abroad in New Zealand, talking to my mom online in the USA.)

    Mom: “Are there good beaches there? Do you visit them often?”

    Me: “Well, there are some good beaches which I visited in the summer. Remember, I’m south of the equator, so even though it’s summer for you, it’s not summer for me.”

    Mom: “Really? What season is it?”

    Me: “… winter.”

    Mom: “Wow!”

    Me: “Because we’re on the opposite side of the equator, the seasons are opposite.”

    Mom: “Wow! Wait, if it’s winter there now, how long is it until summer?”

    Me: “Well, winter just started, so it’ll be about six months.”

    Mom: “So long! Wow!”

    Bad Puns Can Bowl You Over

    | Reno, NV, USA | Siblings

    (My brother, my friend, and I are bowling. The alley has amusing animations when the players get gutter balls, strikes, and splits. After my last gutter ball of the night, the animation shows the bowling ball strolling into an old Western bar. The doors slam shut on him, knocking him to the ground. The pins gather around as if they are saying ‘Yeah, don’t come back here again’.)

    Brother: “Yeah, he went into the wrong neighborhood.”

    Me: “Yeah, he was getting a little ballsy there.”

    Brother: “Yeah, they really got him pinned!”

    Me: *facepalm*

    So Funny It Hurts

    | Yorkshire, England, UK | Children, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I’m about six years old. I’m lying on the floor under the dining table. My dad is telling jokes.)

    Dad: “What has four wheels and flies?

    Me: “I don’t know.”

    Dad: “A dustcart.”

    (I find this mildly amusing and laugh a bit. Dad has another go.)

    Dad: “What has two legs and flies?”

    Me: “I don’t know.”

    Dad: “A man’s pair of trousers.”

    (I find this absolutely hysterical, and start howling with laughter. I am rolling around under the table, until I manage to knock myself unconscious on one of the table legs. Forty five years later, and I still find that joke funny.)

    Dad Has Multiple Views On Dating

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m on the phone with my dad. He is talking about the dog.)

    Dad: “I could film him and put it on YouTube!”

    Me: “YouTube? How do you know about YouTube?”

    Dad: “I dated it once.”

    Dad Has A Hidden A-Gender

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Grandparents, LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I’ve recently come out as transgendered to almost my whole family, and spend very little time as a boy anymore except for work. My father calls me to tell me he won’t be home on the weekend, so not to bother coming around to visit. He has been very apprehensive about breaking the news to my grandmother.)

    Dad: “You know, you could always go see your grandmother instead.”

    Me: “What, and blow her mind?”

    Dad: “I told her.”

    Me: “Yeah, and what did she say?”

    Dad: “Oh, you know, ‘kids will do what they do’.”

    Me: “I think I’ll just wait until I can visit with you instead.”

    Dad: “Just do it, you weak p****!”

    Me: “It only took you, what, four months to tell her?”

    Dad: “What was that? You’re breaking up. I can’t hear you; you’ll have to speak louder!”

    Me: “You’re going through a tunnel too, right?”

    Dad: “Smart-a**!”

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