He’s Eating For Scooby Two

| MN, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(My parents, my brother and I are watching Scooby Doo.)

Dad: “Hey, do you guys think Shaggy is bulimic?”

Me: “Why would you say that?”

Dad: “Well, he eats a lot of food, but we never see him gain any weight.”

Mom: “He could be hypoglycemic.”

Me: “I think he just smokes a lot of weed. Marijuana acts as a natural appetite stimulant. Plus, y’know, it’s the 70s.”

Brother: “Hey, maybe he’s pregnant.”

Dad: “I’d say that’s unlikely, but with all the aliens running around…”

An Empty-Headed Action

| St. Louis, MO, USA | Spouses & Partners

(My wife has a bad kneecap, and has dislocated it several times. She also has a genetic nerve disorder, so she is very practiced at using all sorts of aids, canes, walkers, wheel chairs, and crutches. She’s graduating, and losing her internship, and her coworkers take her out to eat downtown.)

Coworker: “Oh! Here, let me help you get your chair down off the curb!”

Wife: “No, no, no! Watch this! Watch what I can do!”

(She shoos all her coworkers back at least five feet, then rolls her wheelchair backwards up to the edge of the curb. She promptly falls over backwards, slamming the back of her head into the roadway. We take her to the ER.)

Doctor: “You’ll be happy to know that I’ve looked over the x-ray of your head, and I didn’t find anything at all.”

Me: “Can I have that in writing? And a copy of the x-ray?”

Super Sight

ATT00020

Baby Jeebus

a98015_family-portrait_5-jesus-dog

A New Window Without The Pane

| YT, Canada | Top

(My father is building our house. Since we have to move from our rental quite quickly, we move into our new house while it is partly unfinished. It is liveable, but only has one door and one window, both on the bottom floor of the two-storey house. During our house-warming party, we have bunch of guests over, many of whom smoke.)

Mom: “Dear! You need to do something about this smoke! It’s like Chicago in here!”

Dad: “Later.”

Mom: Dear! Now! It’s so stuffy in here! Can’t you pry that window downstairs open or something?!”

Dad: “Later!”

Mom: “NOW!”

(With a sigh, he sets down his drink, and goes downstairs. Moments later, we hear the loud roar of a chainsaw. Dad walks upstairs, goes to a wall, and proceeds to carve a square hole in the wall, then boots it out with his foot, letting the pieces fall to the ground below. He then turns the saw off, sets it down, and turns to my mom.)

Dad: “THERE! You have your f****** window! Now let me have my drink!”

(The next day, as a gag, my Mom’s boss gave her a housewarming present: Windex and paper towels for her ‘new window’! Dad did eventually put a real window there!)

You Can’t Change The Laws Of Physics

| CA, USA | Siblings

(My sister and I share a car. I have quite a few papers in there that I need for work.)

Sister: “Dude, when are you going to take out your papers?”

Me: “I don’t know. Why is the sky blue?”

Sister: “Because blue is the most scattered color in the light spectrum. Now, when are you going to take out your papers?”

Me: “I’m afraid that I don’t have a concrete answer to that.”


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