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    Stuck In Christmas Past

    | New York, NY, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Nephews & Nieces, Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Teenagers, Themed Giveaway

    (My aunt and grandmother have moved out of state a few months ago. They are notorious for being out of touch, even while they are here. I’m 19, and my brother is 17.)

    Aunt: “So, we’ll be coming in for the holidays. We may or may not come to Christmas dinner. But we’ll be staying at the hotel! The kids can come and throw on their swimsuits and jump in the pool!”

    Mom: *laughing* “How old does she think you guys are?”

    (My dad and brother are both roaring with laughter.)

    Mom: “She’s lucky if you guys even make an appearance!”

    Brother: *stops laughing* “That’s an option?”

    A Fertile Family Christmas Tree

    | Woodbridge, NJ, USA | Children, Grandchildren, Grandparents

    (I am speaking with my grandmother at our yearly Christmas family gathering. She is the widowed, 85-year-old matriarch of the family, having mothered 6 children, 9 grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren, all of whom are in attendance. She is getting on in years, and is not always all there, but every so often she comes out with gems.)

    Grandmother: “I just love looking at all of my family.”

    Me: “You did that. You made all of this happen. You should be proud of yourself.”

    Grandmother: *matter-of-factly* “It’s because I was so sexy.”

    Me: *laughing* “I bet you were!”

    Grandmother: “And because it was so easy. Your grandfather could stand at one side of the room, and I’d stand on the other, and he’d wink at me, and BOOM! I’d be pregnant.”

    (I’m now laughing hysterically, while my mom, number 6 of the 6 kids, overhears the conversation and takes note of all the children listening.)

    Mom: “That’s just how it happened!”

    A Family Meal, More Or Less

    | Rochester, NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (Me, my mom, and my dad are all sitting at the table for dinner. Our table is situated so that I am in a corner, and can only get out if my dad moves his chair out of the way. My mom sits across from him.)

    Me: “May I please be excused?”

    Dad: “Go ahead.”

    (Mom simultaneously shakes her head.)

    Dad: “Wait, no, I’ve been overruled.”

    Me: “Come on, dad. Be a man!”

    Mom: “Eat more.”

    Me: “That wasn’t quite generic enough.”

    Mom: “Eat more.”

    Me: *eats a single green bean* “There. I have officially eaten more.”

    Mom: “…go ahead.”

    Too Much Nog For Her Noggin

    | Canberra, ACT, Australia | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Sons & Daughters, Themed Giveaway

    (In Australia, before you get a full driver’s licence, you spend a couple of years on a provisional licence. I’ve had mine for a month or two. My dad has said I’ve finally become useful. I’m at home and have just gotten a string of texts from him that don’t make sense. I call him.)

    Me: “So, why do I have to come to the city?”

    Dad: “Mum’s pissed.”

    Me: “What? I haven’t done anything!”

    Dad: “No! She’s ‘pissed’.”

    (At this point my brother walks in, so I put the phone on speaker.)

    Dad: “She had her office Christmas party today, and she’s drunk.”

    Me: “Oh. Pissed!” *laughing*

    Brother: *between giggles* “You thought you were in trouble!”

    (I had to catch a bus into town to drive her home.)

    Geographically Incontinent, Part 4

    | Leeds, England, UK | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Themed Giveaway

    (My sister has just got back from University for the Christmas holidays. She has just found out that while she’s been away, I’ve been to the Netherlands and am going for another weekend in Belgium in a few days.)

    Sister: “That’s not fair! Why can’t I go to Belgium?”

    Me: “Uh… Because I paid for it?”

    Sister: “So?”

    Me: “And because mum and dad paid for you to go to Sweden, Portugal, Spain, Norway, France, India?”

    Sister: *muttering* “…wanna go to Belgium.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah, I’m also going to Cologne and Lisbon over the summer with [volunteering project].”

    Sister: “Aww, Lisbon’s amazing! I’m so jealous.”

    Me: “Yeah… I don’t actually know where it is.”

    Dad: “It’s in Portugal, you dolt.” *to my mum* “Why are we letting him onto the mainland again?”

    Geographically Incontinent, Part 3
    Geographically Incontinent, Part 2
    Geographically Incontinent (Not Always Right)

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