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    Let’s Put This Issue To Bed, Part 2

    | Boston, MA, USA | Friends, Grandparents, LGTBQ

    (I am out as a lesbian to my entire family, with the exception of my 77-year-old grandmother, at the request of my mother. My grandmother is visiting, and my mother openly discusses my girlfriend in front of my grandmother. I later confront her about it.)

    Me: “Hey mom, does Gram know I have a girlfriend?”

    Mom: “No.”

    Me: “Oh, I didn’t know if she had caught on, or—”

    Mom: “She just thinks you have a really close friend.”

    Me: “She must think we’re really close.”

    Mom: “Yeah, she’s a little confused, but she would be even more confused if you tried to come out to her. I don’t think she would understand it anyway. We’ll just let her keep thinking that you share a bed with all of your friends.”

    Related:
    Let’s Put This Issue To Bed

    Ask Me No Questions

    | WA, USA | Children, Siblings, Theme Of The Month

    (I give my seven-year-old sister a blank book for her to make her own story.)

    Sister: “Thank you so much for this!”

    Me: “You’re welcome. Don’t I rock? Tell me I rock!”

    Sister: “Mommy told me not to tell lies.”

    Litter-ally Addicted

    | LA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I’m at a follow up with my doctor, and since I cannot drive my mother is with me. At the previous visit, I was given a prescription that also has a reputation as a street drug.)

    Me: “Since the medicine didn’t work, would you be able to take the pills and safely dispose of them?”

    Doctor: “I really don’t have any way of doing that. Are they tablets?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Doctor: “Just put them in the bottom of the trash, then. As long as you don’t keep them around, it’s fine.”

    (My mom, who has been silent the entire hour, finally pipes up.)

    Mom: “I know; we’ll throw them in with the used kitty litter!”

    Doctor: “Well, I guess someone really would have to be an addict to want them after that…”

    (I’m never letting her in the exam room with me again!)

    Don’t Beat Your Chest About It

    | The Netherlands | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (My father has a healthy weight which is typical for a fifty-year-old man, but he does have a small case of the man boobs. I’m poking my parents’ breasts with a pencil.)

    Father: “What are you doing?!”

    (He tries to slap me away.)

    Me: “I’m investigating something. Mum, your breasts are firmer than dad’s breasts, congratulations!”

    Mother: “Thank heavens!”

    Father: “Well, that’s only because she’s wearing a bra!”

    Tem-Parental Paradox

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I have just entered New Year’s Day a few hours before my parents, who live in a different time-zone. I text my mom.)

    Me: “I’m in 2013 now. We have flying cars.”

    Mom: “I thought those were in 2015; remember Back to the Future?”

    Me: “The 2015 scenes in Back to the Future 2 took place in October. There’s no way they could establish that much infrastructure in time.”

    Mom: “Being old, I’m going to bed now. It’s good enough that it’s midnight in NYC.”

    (Twelve hours later…)

    Mom: “Happy New Year! Doing anything fun?”

    Me: “Flying around in my new flying car.”

    Mom: “Fly out to Montana. I’ll fix up a nice dinner for you.”


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