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    I Know Everyone In Relation To Me

    | MD, USA | Children, Cousins, Friends

    (I’m at a girls cabin at a teen retreat camp. I’ve just finished unpacking my stuff after a 25-hour drive with 8 buses. I look across the room to the bunk bed parallel to mine and see someone I think might be my cousin.)

    Me: “Is your name Porter?”

    Girl: “Yeah. Aren’t you my third cousin?”

    Me: “Yeah, I thought so. Just making sure! Hi, cousin. Nice to meet you!”

    Girl: “Nice to finally meet you!”

    (My friend has been listening to this. She looks amazed because this has happened right after unloading the buses, when I was continuously giving people hugs and telling them hello.)

    Me: “Allow me to explain. My dad is one of 13 children, so I have a big family. Ten cousins that I know of are on the trip with us.”

    Friend: “Are you related to everybody!?”

    Me: *laughing* “Just about!”

    (Later that night, one of the chaperones approaches my friend and me.)

    Chaperone: “Are you two sisters or related or something? Because y’all look like twins!”

    Friend: “Not yet!”

    (My friend drops to one knee in front of me.)

    Friend: “Will you marry me?”

    (We all laugh. After we finally calm down again, she turns to me.)

    Friend: “I think your brother is very cute though; so, maybe one day we will be related!”

    Not An Integral Part Of Calculus

    | OH, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

    (My younger sister decides to have a spur-of-the-moment movie night, but doesn’t want to stay up too late.)

    Sister: “[Film #1] is three hours, but [Film #2] is only two-and-a-half.”

    Me: *looking at [Film B]’s box* “No. It says 144 minutes. That’s not even two hours.”

    Sister: “Um. Sixty plus sixty plus twenty-four…”

    Me: “Oh. Duh.”

    (My parents have overheard.)

    Mom: “Weren’t you in a math class last semester?”

    Me: *overdramatic*Calculus, Mother! We didn’t learn addition!”

    The Lighter Side To Christmas

    | WV, USA | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    Mom: “I can’t believe they have all this Christmas merchandise out already!”

    (We drive past the local hardware store and see their outdoor Christmas display in all its glory. A few minutes pass…)

    Mom: “Pumpkins, American flags… It’s time to get the Christmas stuff out, people!”

    Me: “Weren’t you just complaining about those other stores having their Christmas stuff out too early?”

    Mom: *meekly* “That was before I saw those pretty lights.”

    An Accidental Coincidental

    | Prince George, BC, Canada | Children, Parents & Guardians, Top

    (In the week before starting school for the first time, I get a number of injuries. I fall off my bike, causing a terrible road-rash. I fall off a bike rack I was climbing on, giving me a black eye. Then, I somehow manage to fall UP the stairs, busting my lip open. A doctor’s appointment for a very stubborn wart turns out leaving me with a chemical burn on one arm. All of this is not unusual for me. Mom takes a good look at me in the morning before turning to my dad.)

    Mom: “We’re totally getting social services called on us. Aren’t we?”

    Dad: “Well, they know [Older Sister], so hopefully not. Call me if you need me. I can leave work if I have to.”

    (When I get to school, the teacher gives me a worried look. Nothing seems to happen until Mom comes to get me at the end of the day. My teacher again looks worried when Mom comes over. I am currently playing tag with some of the other kids in full view of both of them.)

    Teacher: “Ah, Mrs. [Last Name]. I’m afraid there’s been a little bit of an… incident involving your child.”

    (Before the teacher can elaborate, I trip over nothing and faceplant. The road-rash on my arms starts bleeding again, but I just get up and keep playing.)

    Mom: “That sort of incident?”

    Teacher: *nods*

    Mom: “Yeah. She does that. A lot.”

    Dress Stress

    | MN, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom, my sister, and I are shopping for bridesmaids dresses for my sister’s wedding. My sister knows basically what she is looking for. We are just trying to find something that has everything she wants. My mom holds up a dress that doesn’t fit any of the requirements.)

    Mom: “What about something like this? But a longer length. And a different color. And without the ugly wrinkly pattern in the middle. And a better neckline.”

    Me: “So… What DO you like about the dress?”

    (There is a long pause in which my sister and I start to crack up.)

    Mom: “I hate you both.”

    Styrish Grandparents

    | USA | Grandparents

    (My grandparents just got an iPad. When we tell them we don’t have one, my grandpa decides to show my sister and me how it works. He runs to the other room to get it. He suddenly yells to my grandma.)

    Grandpa: “Where’s the ‘styrus’?'”

    Grandma: “I don’t know what that is.”

    Grandpa: “My ‘styrus’! It’s like a little pen!”

    (Finally he comes back in holding his stylus proudly.)

    Grandpa: “See? My ‘styrus’!”


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