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    He Took A Short Cut

    | New York, NY, USA | Siblings

    (I am studying for my social studies class, so I am reading my notes out loud and trying to memorize them. My sister is in the room with me.)

    Me: “In 1492, Christopher Columbus circumcised the world!”

    Sister: “What? Why would he do that?!”

    Me: “…huh?”

    Sister: “He circumcised the world?!”

    Me: “Oh no! Circumnavigated!”

    Telepathingy, Part 2

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I’ve been looking for a book for a while, and finally walk into the living room where my sister and my mom are watching a movie.)

    Me: “Has anyone seen the thing with the thingy?”

    Sister: “Thingy?”

    Me: “You know… the thingy about the thing in the thing?”

    Sister: “Yeah it’s under the thing in the other room.”

    (I walk into the kitchen and on the counter under the mail, is my book.)

    Me: “Found it! Thanks.”

    Mom: “I don’t know how you two understand each other when all you speak is thingy language.”

    Sister: “What can we say?”

    Me: “We’re fluent.”

    From NotAlwaysRomantic.com

    Totally, Like, Stupefy

    | UK | Parents & Guardians

    (I am in a room with my mum, bored, so I jump up and point a pen at her.)

    Me: “Stupefy!”

    (My mum ignores me.)

    Me: “Mum! I stupefied you!”

    Mum: “I’ve been stupefied for years. I don’t think it’s worn off yet.”

    Totally, Like, Amortentia
    (from NotAlwaysRomantic):
    Totally, Like, Engorgio
    Totally, Like, Avada-Kedavra
    Totally, Like, Sectumsempra
    (from NotAlwaysRight):
    Totally, Like, Aguamenti
    Totally, Like, Excruciatus

    Teaching An Old Dog New Tricks

    | MA, USA | Cousins, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

    (I am having a hard time finding a job, and I am the type of person who can’t just sit around and do nothing. On a day-off, my cousin, dad and sister comes to visit to keep me company.)

    Cousin: “So, any luck finding a new job?”

    Me: “Nothing yet. I’ve been teaching the dog commands to fill my time.”

    Cousin: “What tricks have you taught him?”

    Me: “I taught him some yoga stretches and karate moves.”

    Sister: “Legit, she taught him caterpillar, cobra, karate kick, and karate chop.”

    Cousin: “What ever happened to sit and roll over?”

    Dad: “You should ask her what she taught the cat.”

    A Finely Measured Sleep

    | Long Island, NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mother works a 12-hour night shift as a nurse, so she has an inconsistent schedule and often sleeps during the day. She also has been working on renovating the basement. My mom has just worked a full shift the night before, and she’s snoring away. I’m hanging out in her room with my laptop. It’s around 2 pm when she suddenly gets up and slips downstairs.)

    Me: “Mom? Are you going out?”

    Mom: *sleepily* “No. I need to measure the floor downstairs so I know how much tile I need.”

    Me: “Okay… ”

    (She exits the room and comes back a bit later, takes off her shoes, and climbs back into bed.)

    Me: “Why did you measure the floor now, anyway?”

    Mom: “I was wondering how expensive it would be to re-tile the floor.”

    (She promptly falls back asleep, snoring away. A few hours later, she is properly awake, and I ask about the measurements.)

    Mom: “I did that? I don’t remember. Darn, I wish I’d at least remembered the measurements!”

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