• The Cold Future
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  • August's Theme Of The Month: Best. Family Member. Ever!

    Saints And Sinners And Zombie Killers

    | LA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My sister and I are watching ‘Blade II.’ My dad walks into the living room at the moment when Scud makes his first appearance.)

    Dad: “Ol’ Daryl Dixon.”

    Sister & Me: *in unison* “His name is Norman Reedus.”

    Dad: “But he’s still Daryl.”

    Me: “But his name is really Norman.”

    Sister: “Before he was a zombie slayer, he was a vampire hunter.”

    Dad: “No, he was a familiar.”

    Me: “Yeah, but he helped Blade hunt vampires, too. And before he was a vampire hunter, he was a saint.”

    Dad: “What?”

    Sister: “Norman is in The Boondock Saints. That movie we can never get you to watch.”

    Me: *nodding* “He’s Murphy McManus.”

    Dad: *shakes his head* “You two are obsessed.”

    Not A Happy Meal

    | FL, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I am about 13 years old and the oldest of five children. My mother has just picked two of my siblings and me up from swim practice. My two youngest siblings (around ages five and three) are in the back seat, whining that they want to go to a popular fast food restaurant for dinner. I know for a fact that my mother already has dinner made. I am sitting in the front seat, next to my mother.)

    Sister: “I want to go to [Fast Food Restaurant]!”

    Me: “We’re going somewhere else for dinner.”

    Sister: *getting excited* “Really? Where?”

    Me: “McMommy’s.”

    (My other siblings get it immediately and groan. I assume that the two youngest will get the joke, but they don’t. They think we’re going to a restaurant. I glance at my mother, but she stays silent, staring straight ahead at the road.)

    Sister: “Do they have toys there?”

    Me: “Yup. All your favorites.”

    (I can hardly contain my laughter. We enter our neighborhood and I am amazed that they still haven’t caught on, instead talking excitedly about what kid’s meal toys they hope the restaurant has. I glance at my mother again. Still no discernible reaction. My other siblings play along with the joke, talking up all the toys that will be there. We pull into our own driveway and everyone piles out. The two youngest are a little confused as to why we came home first, but are still excited to go to ‘McMommy’s.’)

    Me: *as we all enter the house* “Here we are! McMommy’s!”

    (The youngest kids finally figured it out. My little sister didn’t speak to me for two days and, despite the fact that my mother could have stopped it at any time, still believes I was being cruel to her. She vowed to do it to my children one day. Ironically, when she did… they figured it out right away!)

    Keeping The Spot Spotless

    | VA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mom gets up from her seat for a minute and I take it. As such, she sits next to me with her legs over me as a seatbelt. I have been sick lately.)

    Me: “Mom! Get up! I’m squished!”

    Mom: “No! You stole my spot, you’ll keep it!”

    Me: “Mom! Please!”

    Mom: “No! I am never letting you up!”

    Me: “I’m gonna be sick!”

    Mom: “Up you go!”

    Stripping Down The Work Force

    | Parkersburg, WV, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My older sister has recently graduated from college.)

    Mom: “You’ll need some work clothes once you get a job. Actually, you might get a job where you won’t need special clothes.”

    Me: “You might get a job where you don’t need clothes!”

    (My sister, mom, and I burst into laughter while my dad begins to look flustered.)

    Dad: “Well, at least use a fake name!”

    In-Laws In Line

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | In-Laws, Siblings

    (I am out with my brother in-law and my niece as we go shopping in a mall. We stop by a small coffee place before going in.)

    Brother-In-Law: “What do you want? I’ll get you a cup of coffee?”

    Me: “You sure?”

    Brother-In-Law: “It’s fine. I’ll pay.”

    Me: “Alright, bro! I like you! You can go home and kiss my sister!”

    (My brother-in-law starts laughing with a few weird stares coming from other customers.)

    Brother-In-Law: “I don’t think that’s how the saying goes.”

    Me: “Hey, we got kids here. I’m keeping it PG.”

    The Situation Ballooned Out Of Control

    | WA, Australia | Siblings

    (It is a boring winter day. Somehow my older siblings and I think it will be fun to throw water balloons at the street behind our fence.)

    Sister: “Oh, there are people walking by.”

    Brother: “Let’s see if we can hit one of them.”

    Sister: “Okay, but be ready to run.”

    Brother: “I don’t think I can throw a balloon that far.”

    Sister: “Hmmm, how about using this?” *picks up a tennis racket*

    Me: “This is starting to feel like a bad idea.”

    Brother: “Nah, it’s not. Just be ready to run. Here. I filled it with a lot of water.”

    Me: “I’m gonna go hide behind that shed.”

    (I walk behind the shed and hear a splash. I decide to walk back to my siblings as I didn’t hear any running. I look over the fence to see a woman just staring at my house. She appears to be dry.)

    Sister: *while still holding the racket up* “So…”

    Me: “You didn’t realise that the water balloon would pop the moment it got hit by a racket?”

    Sister: “Yup.”

    Me: “And you thought I was more concerned about getting caught then wet?”

    Brother: “Yup.”

    Me: “Aren’t you cold?”

    Brother And Sister: “Yup.”

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