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    How To Small Talk Even Smaller

    | NM, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I hear an ad on the radio concerning Mother’s Day.)

    Me: “Oh, d***, when is Mother’s Day?”

    Coworker: “I have no idea.”

    Me: “Last Sunday in May, isn’t it? I have a present for my mom; I just need to remember to ship it.”

    Coworker: *matter-of-factly* “Mine’s passed away, so I don’t have to worry about that.”

    Me: “Oh…”

    (I didn’t have a clue how to respond to that!)

    The Sting In This Tale

    | MO, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My parents come up with a clever ploy to make their young children play outside.)

    Dad: “Everyone come outside for Popsicles!”

    (My siblings and I gladly romp around the yard with our treats. When I finish, I try to go back inside. My parents are sitting on the porch steps, blocking the way.)

    Mom: “And where do you think you’re going, young lady?”

    Me: *showing her my sticky fingers* “I want to wash my hands.”

    Mom: “Just wipe them on the grass.”

    (I don’t think this will work well but oblige anyway. When I stand up again, there is a bee on my index finger. I think that I am like a princess with a bird perched on her finger and watch the bee in awe as it bobs there…)

    Me: *suddenly stung by the bee* “WAAAAAAAH!”

    (My parents let me inside after that!)

    How To Train Your Sister

    | Ireland | Siblings

    (I’m sitting on a bus on the way to meet a friend when out of the blue I get this text from my sister.)

    Sister: “Hey, quick question: if dragons were real, would they be mammals?”

    Bed Time!


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    Baby-Sitting On A Time Bomb

    | AR, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My mother is in town visiting my sister and me. My sister has a three-month old boy, and while I love my nephew I have no plans to ever have children of my own. I am also the only person in my family who doesn’t use marijuana. This happens after I’ve gotten off my night shift and am spending “quality time” with my family.)

    Sister: “Here, have some cookies.”

    Me: *barely awake* “Thanks. Hey, these cookies don’t have weed in them, do they?”

    Sister: “Nope!”

    (Later.)

    Sister: “Okay, me and [Boyfriend] are going to the store. You guys stay here.”

    (She leaves with her boyfriend. As soon as she’s gone, my mother darts outside, pulling my brother after her.)

    Me: *alarmed* “Wait, where are you going?”

    Mom: “Oh, don’t worry; this will be good for you!”

    (She leaves, and two things penetrate my sleep-fogged mind: 1) my sister lied about the cookies, and 2) I am alone with the baby. I start to panic a little. I can’t find my cell phone, and there are no clocks, so I set the microwave timer for 15 minutes and reset it every time it beeps. I march around the house to stay conscious, stopping periodically to make sure my nephew is still breathing. After at least 45 minutes, my sister returns.)

    Sister: “Hello, feeling good yet? Wait, where’s Mom?”

    Me: “…your baby’s still alive. I need to lie down and then I want to go home.”

    A Solid Case For Sounding Like Grandmother

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Australia | Parents & Guardians

    (My mum and I are at my house, trying out a new recipe.)

    Mum: “This is becoming solid. Mixing it is impossible!”

    Me: “Just keep mixing!”

    Mum: “You sound like my mother!”

    (I always thought that one day I’d be accused of acting like my mother, but acting like my grandmother was another thing altogether.)


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