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    What Is This Smelly Madness?!

    | Allentown, PA, USA | Grandparents

    (I collect plastic models of dragons, animals, and prehistoric creatures, every single one of which has a name, and just got a kaprosuchus from my grandmother. Note that my grandmother is hard of hearing.)

    Grandmother: “So what are you going to name it?”

    Me: “His name’s Sparta.”

    Grandmother: “You named it Farta?!”

    Me: “Yeah… that’s totally what I named him, because I’m, like, five years old…”

    Grandmother: “Well, I’m not calling it that!”

    (She’s still under the impression that I now own a plastic crocodile named Farta…)

    Gas Prices Are Murder

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Parents & Guardians

    (My mum and I are sitting in the living room. I have a habit of randomly blurting or singing strange things.)

    Me: *singing* “Mum and I are gonna play pool tonight.”

    Mum: “Yes, we are…”

    Me: *still singing* “And then go on a murder spree!”

    Mum: “I don’t think so.”

    Me: “Of course we are!”

    Mum: “You’re going to have to take your own car for that then.”

    Me: “Nooooooo! I don’t have enough gas!”

    No Touchy-Feely


    A Trend-Sweater

    | MA, USA | Siblings

    (I just got a new job that requires I dress nicely so I’ve bought a new wardrobe of nicer looking clothes including a bunch of cardigans. My sister has noticed a pattern when I wear them.)

    Sister: “Why do you always leave the bottom button undone when you wear the cardigans?”

    Me: “LL Cool J wears his cardigans like this.”

    Sister: “So?”

    Me: “I feel like it makes me look tougher and gives me street cred when I look imitate him.”

    Sister: “You are a 100 lb soaking wet, scrawny ass, white girl in nerd glasses; glasses that you actually need. You are the farthest thing from LL Cool J. As a matter of fact, LL Cool J could probably knock you over with a sneeze, and you think wearing your fancy sweaters like his will make you look more street tough?”

    Sister: “But, but, my sweater…”

    The Text Was Just The Tip Of The Ice

    | Dubuque, IA, USA | Siblings

    (As I’m leaving my sister’s apartment at night, I slip on some black ice and hurt my knee. While my mom drives me home, I realize I should probably let her know about it so she doesn’t get hurt.)

    Me: “Be careful; bottom of your stairs is black ice.”

    Sister: “Okay.”

    (Once we get home, I finally get a good look at my knee, then send her a picture to emphasize she should be careful.)

    Sister: “What did you do?!”


    Misunderstanding Meal Replacement Plans

    | UT, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (My 16-month-old son runs to the fridge, hoping I’ll get him something to eat.)

    Me: “What do you want to eat?”

    Son: “Dinner!”

    Me: “We don’t eat dinner in the morning! It’s breakfast time!”

    Son: “Breakfast!”

    Me: “What do you want for breakfast?”

    Son: “…Dinner!”

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