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    Fun Bails Out For Good

    | Grand Rapids, MI, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I’m walking out the door on my way to work.)

    Dad: “Have fun!”

    Sister: “Be good!”

    Me: “Wait, that’s two conflicting statements. What should I do, be good or have fun?”

    Dad: “I’m the dad, I trump your sister. Have fun; just remember not to call me for bail money.”

    Dad Can Be Sickly Sweet

    | IA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I have recently started working as a correctional officer, but am still waiting for my uniform. Since I still need to work, I’ve been wearing business casual clothes. It is the next day, and I am visiting my dad.)

    Me: “I was going pass some of the cells and I heard one of the inmates ask if I was a nurse.”

    Dad: “I bet if you had said yes, they would have been at sick call the next morning.”

    In-Laws Are The Butt Of All Family Jokes

    | Seward, AK, USA | In-Laws, Siblings

    (My brother-in-law and I are having a cigarette outside when this happens.)

    Brother-In-Law: *rolling his cigarette in between his fingers* “Hey, feel my butt. It feels weird.”

    Me: “…wha?”

    Brother-In-Law: “MY CIGARETTE BUTT.”

    This Child Has No Cruise Control

    | USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (When I am around three years old, my dad gets a huge pay raise, so to celebrate, my mom, my dad, and I go on a short cruise around the Caribbean. I’m full of energy and therefore bouncing off the walls and screaming a lot, all while my mom tries to get me to stop. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door.)

    Mom: *opens the door*

    Security: “Good morning, ma’am. I heard reports of a child screaming and someone thought it was because of child abuse. Do you mind if I take a look inside?”

    (Suddenly, I knock over a phone next to the bed and the security guard looks at me.)

    Mom: “Do you want to take him?”

    Having A Whine

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My parents are having a small dinner party in the winter before my mother’s 44th birthday. I am 13 and, being a belligerent teenager, I have been badgering my mother all night to have some wine. She is getting fed up and finally yells at me.)

    Mom: “No! You cannot have any wine! You cannot drink in this house until you are 45!”

    (I moved her glass away.)

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