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    S’Morehound

    | OR, USA | Siblings

    (My two brothers and I are looking at cute pictures on the Internet. There’s a picture of a golden retriever/husky mix with the title ‘like a puppy crossed with a gently toasted marshmallow.’)

    Brother #1: “A puppy and a marshmallow? Weirdest sex ever!”

    Me: “How do you tell if it’s a male or female marshmallow?”

    Brother #2 “That’s what makes it weird! You don’t know!”

    Brother #1: “Am I gay, or not? I don’t know!”

    Me: “All I know is that’s one sexy marshmallow.”

    (We all burst out laughing.)

    Mountainous Portions

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (My mom is a vegetarian, so I was raised without meat in the household. My dad’s family is a very ‘meat-and-potatoes’ sort, so most of the times I visited they would make a roast beef dinner. I also have a very particular way of setting up my plate; a pile of mashed potatoes, hollowed out, filled with peas, and then with gravy poured over. I am about seven at the time.)

    Me: “YAAAY! Volcano!” *pouring gravy into potatoes until it overflows onto the beef*

    Dad: *laughing* “You really like roast beef dinners, don’t you?”

    Me: “Yep! I’m a beef vegetarian!”

    (To this day, my grandmother still brings up the ‘beef vegetarian’ line.)

    A Shot Of The Truth

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am a fairly quiet kid, and can seem very random if you don’t know my train of thought. This stretches back to when I was very small, and my family is fond of repeating a conversation I had with my mother when I was four years old.)

    Me: “Mommy, will Clifford The Big Red Dog ever die?”

    Mom: “No, honey! Of course he won’t!”

    Me: “He would if you shot him.”

    Last Thing This Kid Needs Is More Sugar

    | Lafayette, LA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (Customers can serve themselves in the store I work at, and the candy is priced according to its weight. We have many options of what to put the candy in, with the two most popular choices being simple plastic bags or colorful ‘Chinese take-out’ boxes. A boy is excitedly telling his mother all the candies he wants, while she is trying to ask him what color box he wants to put it all in.)

    Boy: “And I want Coke bottles, and gummi frogs, and gummi rainbow frogs!”

    Mother: “Slow down! We need to choose a box, first! What color box do you want?”

    Boy: “Look at all the gummi bears! I want blue ones and green ones and red ones…”

    Mother: “Okay, but what color box do you want to put them in?”

    Boy: “And I want the raspberries, and the BIG Coke bottles!”

    Mother: “[BOY]!”

    Boy: “Huh?”

    Mother: “Do you want a BAG, or a BOX?”

    Boy: “A box.”

    Mother: “What. Color?!”

    Boy: “I want gummi cherries!”

    Not As Bright As A Button

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (It is a rainy morning, and I am getting my four-year-old daughter ready for school.)

    Daughter: *pointing at the center of her donut* “This is a sunshine button.”

    Me: “Is it?”

    Daughter: “Yes.”

    (She presses the center of the donut, then darkly mutters:)

    Daughter: “…didn’t work.”


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