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    A Monster Of A Ring-Tone

    | Dallas, TX, USA | In-Laws, Spouses & Partners

    (My mother-in-law is a nice lady, but she’s known for being loud and outspoken. My husband has taken my phone and changed the ringtone heard when she texts me.)

    Me: *sitting at work when she texts me about a birthday gift for our nephews*

    Phone: *lets out this loud Godzilla-like ‘RAWR!!!’ in the middle of the office*

    Me: *whispering while performing the impossible task of finding the off switch while in an embarrassed panic* “Crap, crap, crap!”

    (I later tell my husband about this when we meet for lunch.)

    Me: “I apparently forgot to turn my phone on silent before going into work this morning. I’m pretty sure the whole office heard the ringtone you made for your mom.”

    Husband: *laughing* “YES! That’s exactly what I was hoping for when I chose that ringtone. I was hoping it would go off at the most inopportune time! Did anyone say anything?”

    Me: “Thankfully not. I was really hoping they wouldn’t figure out what desk it was coming from.”

    Ancestral Projection

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA | Grandparents

    (I live with my grandmother and come home around the same time everyday. This has happened several times. I enter through the front door.)

    Grandma: “[My Name]?”

    Me: “Yeah?”

    Grandma: “Are you home?”

    Me: “…”

    Meet Aunt Hypocrisy

    | Carmel, IN, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (When I was little I got a ‘magic book’ from a toy catalog full of fun stories, trivia, and arts and crafts projects. Though there were no spells I became thoroughly obsessed with being a wizard, and was very vocal about my belief in magic. One day, my mom and aunt are talking…)

    Aunt: “We need to talk about [My Name]’s obsession with wizards.”

    Mom: “Oh, isn’t it cute? She really thinks magic is real!”

    Aunt: “I’m worried she’s going to become a Satanist.”

    Mom: “…What?”

    Aunt: “She’s too interested in magic. Soon she’ll be into black magic and then she’ll become a Satanist! We need to do something!”

    Mom: “…[Aunt], she’s seven.”

    (When my mom related this conversation to me years later as a teenager, I laughed for a solid minute or two. The ironic thing is her own kids liked Harry Potter, and she had no problem taking the three of us to see the second movie!)

    Big Brothers Suck


    On The Straight And Single Path

    | San Jose, CA, USA | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

    (I am very liberal, but grew up in a conservative Catholic family. To her credit, my mom has tried very hard to keep an open mind about my views and the world around her, even when she doesn’t agree. I’m a straight woman and have been happily single for several years.)

    Mom: “So, [Friend] and her girlfriend are engaged now, right? Do you think you’re going to the wedding?”

    Me: “If I’m invited, sure, but I remember [Friend] always dreaming about a small destination wedding with only her family and her future in-laws.”

    Mom: “And what about you? Any nice guys in the picture?”

    Me: “No, still as single and happy as ever.”

    Mom: *pause* “Any girls?”

    Me: “No, Mom. I promise I’m telling you the truth when I say I’m straight and only attracted to men.”

    Mom: “Oh, good. I mean, I like [Friend]’s girlfriend, but I’m glad I’ll get grandkids sometime in the future!”

    (Note: due to health problems when I was younger, I’m infertile.)

    Me: “Mom, remember that whole thing about me not being able to have biological children? That doesn’t change based on my orientation.”

    Mom: “Sure, but there’s always adoption!”

    Me: “What do you think gay and lesbian couples who want kids do?”

    You’re In Real Hot Sauce Now

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I am 15. I work at a day care and one evening have been employed to babysit two young children. Their mother leaves me specific instructions including ‘If they won’t go to bed put a drop of hot sauce on their tongue.’ I didn’t like that at all but wanted to adhere to the parental practices. When bedtime rolled around the hellions were being ridiculous so out came the hot sauce. After I applied the drops the phone rang and I went downstairs.)

    Me: “[Family] residence. [My Name] speaking.”

    Caller: “Where is [Mother]?”

    Me: “They’re out for the night. Can I take a message?”

    (Cue a war cry from upstairs followed by a crash.)

    Caller: “What was that?”

    Me: “I have to go. They’ll be back later!”

    (I went to the living room where there was a smashed hot sauce bottle and a huge streak of red across the white carpet, white wall, and quilt hanging on the wall.)

    Me: “Aaaaaaaaahhhh!”

    Boys: *terror faces*

    Me: “GET. IN. YOUR. ROOOOM!”

    Me: *calling my mother* “Mom! You have to help!” *explained the situation* “And I have no idea what to do! Can you… Can you bring the carpet cleaner?”

    (So, my amazing parents bring over our carpet steamer and clean the carpet while I scrub  the walls. There is nothing, however, I can do about the quilt. My mother also helps me get the boys to bed because I am freaking out. They leave before the boys’ parents get home. When they do they immediately see the red on the quilt.)

    Boys’ Dad: “What is that?”

    Me: “Hot sauce. They threw it from the upstairs landing.”

    Boys’ Dad: “Why was there hot sauce upstairs?”

    Boys’ Mom: “It was a threat…”

    (He didn’t seem like he knew about that and wasn’t thrilled with it. The mom drove me home in the most awkward car ride of my life. My boss at the day care told me not to agree to babysit if they asked again. They did not. What I learned? If you’re uncomfortable with something, don’t do it.)

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