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    A Marbelous Way To End A Lecture

    | Felton, DE, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m about ten years old and have a large collection of marbles. I’ve taken to always holding one and playing with it in my hand, even when I shouldn’t. My father is lecturing my brother and me about our near constant fighting when I drop my marble and lose it in the couch.)

    Me: *not realizing I’m thinking out loud* “I lost my marble.”

    Dad: *completely stops his lecture and starts laughing* “I don’t know what’s worse: the fact you lost it or the fact you only had one!”

    Working From Home Isn’t Working

    | CO, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I work from home, and my ‘home office’ is actually my bedroom. I live with my parents, due to the expensive housing. Like anyone, I want to not be disturbed. However, my family doesn’t appear to comprehend this, so whenever I am busy, I have put up a sign on the door requesting to not knock unless it’s an emergency.)

    Mom: *knocks on the door*

    Me: *to the teleconference* “One second.” *mutes the microphone* “Yes?”

    Mom: “Did you run the dishwasher today?”

    Me: “Is this an emergency?”

    Mom: “Well I need to know before I start putting dirty dishes in there!”

    Me: “Mom, this can wait. Kind of busy here.”

    (Later, dad knocks, and I walk over to answer.)

    Me: “Yes?”

    Dad: “What’s the weather supposed to be like this week?”

    Me: “Did you read the sign? I’m trying to file this electronic report.”

    Dad: “What sign?”

    (Right next to us, at exactly his eye level, is the sign, written in big bold letters. Yet later, my younger sister walks in and nearly gives me a heart attack.)

    Me: “Yes?”

    Sister: “Have you seen Anchorman?”

    Me: “… I am typing up an order form here. Didn’t you see the sign?”

    Sister: “I did. This can’t wait! It’s on TV tonight!”

    (Note that we have DirectTV, which lets you record TV programs. When I start looking for something in town to rent and use as an office, my parents just cannot comprehend why I’d possibly want to do that when I can work from home…)

    Makes You Want To Butt In

    | Clifton Park, NY, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (While shopping, I am in a fitting room. There is a mother and her young daughter, about six or seven, who are both in the same changing room.)

    Little Girl: “Mommy, I really like this dress on me. Can I get it?”

    Mom: “Well, honey your belly seems to be sticking out of it. Are you sure it’s not too tight?”

    Little Girl: “I don’t know. My belly does look big. I look like I am going to have a baby. My belly is bigger than yours, Mommy!”

    Mom: *laughs nervously* “Ha! No, honey… You’re not having a baby.”

    Little Girl: “And my butt, too! Why is that?”

    Mom: “Well, honey, you’re African American. Our butts are supposed to be big. White people just have flat ones. That is just the way it is.”


    How To Engender Confusion

    | La Crosse, WI, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I’m a mother of three boys. I cannot drive for medical reasons; therefore, we take the bus regularly. One day an androgynous young person sits near us. I can see that my toddler is a bit confused.)

    Son: *whispering* “Mom… is that a boy or a girl?”

    Me: *whispering back* “I’m not sure. It’s rude to ask if someone is a boy or a girl, so I guess we’ll never know.”

    (This answer clearly did NOT sit well with my curious three year old. I could see him struggling with his curiosity for several city blocks. But finally, as we near our stop, he could not hold back any longer.)

    Son: *very loudly* “Excuse me. Do you have a penis?”

    Sister Resistor

    | IA, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (I am on the phone with my mom. I am packing to go to the UK for 10 days for a concert and some time with my aunt (mom’s sister). Mom is on her usual lecture about being friends with my sister, with whom I don’t get along.)

    Mom: “Now, why couldn’t you invite [Sister]? She likes concerts.”

    Me: “Erm, we don’t like the same music.”

    Mom: “That’s just three days. There’s another week.”

    Me: “No. [Sister] doesn’t like [My Fiancé], and hates [Aunt].”

    Mom: “Ugh. What does that b**** have to do with anything?” *I hear my dad laughing* “What is so funny?”

    Me: “You don’t like your sister, so I’m just keeping with family traditions.”

    Mom: “What? [Aunt] is mean spirited and vile. She’s always been that way since she didn’t have children.”

    (My fiancé is now texting my dad, and both are laughing.)

    Me: “Yet another reason to like her.”

    Mom: “Oh, you’ll change your mind.”

    Dad: *in background* “No! Don’t change your mind! Oh Lord, please, no!”

    Mom: “[Dad], what are you talking about? I want grandchildren!”

    Dad: “You see how weird she turned out. Any kids will be weirder still.”

    Mom: “I don’t know why I bother.”

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