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    Flooded With Obnoxiousness

    | KS, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m with my father and fiancé watching a program about a huge flood. My mother walks in and points to the screen that is showing a huge wall of water moving towards the camera.)

    Mother: “What is that?”

    Father: “It’s water.”

    Mother: *pauses, and then points to my fiancé* “Be warned. This is what you’re getting into.”

    Doesn’t Get The Comic Medium

    | MA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’m about three, and my parents are having company over. My dad is a huge jokester with a terrible sense of sarcastic humor. He’s also big, both tall and wide.)

    Mom: *apologizing to company for a terrible pun my dad’s just made* “He’s such a comedian.”

    Me: “But Mom! He’s not a medium! He’s a large!”

    The Mark Of A Cranky Baby

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | In-Laws

    (It’s the day of my son’s baptism. We are at the after party when I notice my in-laws passing my son around and he’s starting to fuss. Usually they fight over who gets to hold him. I figure he might need a fresh nappy so head over.)

    Me: “Does [Son] need a change?”

    Mother-In-Law: “No, but he has a dirty mark on his face that won’t come off. He needs his face washed.”

    Me: *looking over at sister-in-law, who is holding my son* “You don’t mean his birthmark, do you? The mark under his eye?”

    (My sister-in-law looks up, eyes wide open.)

    Mother-In-Law: “Oh, s***! We’ve been passing him around and each of us have been trying to scrub it off. Poor thing! No wonder he got cranky.”

    Little White Mouse Lies

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Parents & Guardians, Theme Of The Month

    (My parents used to have a habit of telling white lies to my big brother and me to keep us from developing bad habits. Since my brother has moved out and I am past middle school, I assumed that we were past the age bracket where they could continue to spread white lies. However, one night while I’m playing computer games my mum is on the phone with my brother, and I overhear this…)

    Mum: “So, what’s new with you? … Oh, very good… Well, actually, I visited a psychiatrist today, because I think I may have developed a phobia. [Brother], you have to promise not to laugh. I’m worried that I look like a mouse. I told the psychiatrist about it, and he said that it is actually very common among middle-aged women. It even has a name: Anorexia Mousia.”

    (From what my mother told me later, he believed it, until the next time we saw him when Mum told him the truth. I doubt he’s still THAT gullible.)

    A Bad Command Of English

    | England, UK | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

    (My mum, boyfriend, and I are watching a game show.)

    TV: “List countries starting with two consonants.”

    Boyfriend: “I can’t think of any…”

    Me: “Chile?”

    Mum: *with a ‘duh’ voice* “England!”

    Me: “Mum…”

    Mum: “What?”

    Me: “‘E’ is a vowel.”

    Mum: “Oh! United Kingdom, then!”

    Me: “Mum.”

    Mum: “OH!” *blushes*

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