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  • Pies And Sisters And Soccer, Oh My

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Parents & Guardians

    (Usually, on Friday and Saturday nights, my parents fall asleep on the couch until I decide to go to bed and wake them up.)

    Me: *shakes mum* “Goodnight, I’m going to bed now.”

    Mum: “Do you… want… a pie?”

    Me: “No, I’m going to bed.”

    Mum: “But you put an order through.”

    Me: “I’m going to bed.”

    Mum: “Have a pie… eat your order.”

    Me: “I’m not hungry for orders.”

    Mum: “What week is it? Have you eaten your order?”

    Me: “What are you talking about?”

    Mum: “Hurry up and eat the order…. You’re going to be late for school!”

    Me: “Mum, it’s almost midnight! School isn’t for two more days!”

    Mum: “Midnight! Why d… didnt you fall… wake?” *snores*

    Me: “Mum, wake up. I’m going to bed now.”

    Mum: “You have… soccer tomorrow… Go to break… fast.”

    Me: “I don’t play soccer.”

    Mum: “Wake your sister up!”

    Me: “I don’t have a sister…”

    Me: *turns TV on and turns up volume*

    Mum: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Go to bed! What time is it? Why didn’t you wake me up?”

    Me: “I’m not hungry for orders. And I don’t play soccer or have a sister. Mum? Are you leading a double life?”

    Mum: “What?”

    There Can Be Only One

    Twin babies

    I Swear I Heard Whispering

    | USA | Cousins, Grandparents

    (We have family visiting for the holidays, so my cousin and I have taken refuge in my room to play video games. There’s no noise rule in our house as long as it’s not an unreasonable hour, so we have the TV up pretty loud. My grandmother walks in to talk to us right as we get into an unpausable, unskippable cutscene with a character whose vocabulary consists mostly of swear words. My cousin is frantically trying to mute or turn off the TV before my grandmother gets offended, but she’s standing directly in front of the TV and blocking the signal.)

    Grandma: “So I’d just like to tell you girls that you were both a little too loud last night. I could hear you both whispering all the way down the hall. I would appreciate it if you both would be a little quieter tonight while people are trying to sleep.”

    Me: *cringing from the language coming from the speakers* “Okay, Grandma…”

    (She finally notices my cousin frantically hitting the mute button on the TV remote and looks at the TV.)

    Grandma: “Oh… were you both watching a movie?”

    Cousin: “Yeah, we’re playing a video game…”

    Grandma: “Oh. I didn’t even hear it. Sorry to interrupt. Well, go back to your game now.”

    Cousin: “Did she just seriously complain that she can hear us whispering from down the hall and then not hear the cluster F-bombs blaring from the speaker right behind her?”

    Me: “Yep. This is going on the Internet…”

    A Recipe For Disaster

    | NY, USA | Siblings

    (My brother, 27, is visiting me, 23, for the weekend, and he offers to go to the grocery store for me while I’m in rehearsal. I leave a shopping list on my desk.)

    Brother: *over text* “How do I buy 1/4 cup milk?”

    Me: “What?!”

    Brother: “And 2 tsp baking soda?”

    Me: “Wait. Did you take the poundcake recipe to the store instead of the shopping list?”

    Hasn’t Had His Fill Yet

    | PA, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Grandparents

    (It’s Thanksgiving and my family is eating dinner. My grandfather is getting irate because everyone’s eating all the filling, which is like stuffing but made with potatoes, because he likes to have them as leftovers. My uncle, being the smart-a** that he is, seems to find this hilarious.)

    Grandmother: “So, is everybody ready for dessert?”

    Uncle: “Nope. I’m just waiting for some more of that filling!”

    (He then proceeded to get a massive plate of filling, sat down next to my grandfather with it, covered it with whipped cream, and ate it for dessert. There were no leftovers.)

    Haven’t Heard From Them Since


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