CONTENT WARNING: Stabbing, Car Accident (Everyone lives)
My mother-in-law is the main character in every story. She told this tale over a family meal many years ago when Black Friday was still a mob-inducing event.
Mother-In-Law: “Did I tell you what happened on Black Friday?”
[Brother-In-Law] glanced at my husband and me. We knew we were in for quite a story.
Brother-In-Law: “What happened?”
Mother-In-Law: “Well, first, my car would not start. I guess I left my dome light on again and the battery died. I had to go wake up [Neighbor] to get a jump, and he cussed me out! Just for knocking on his door!”
Brother-In-Law: “When was this?”
Mother-In-Law: “I was going out for Black Friday deals.”
Me: “So, like… 3:00 am?”
Mother-In-Law: “I needed help! Anyway, he got the car started, and I went to get gas at the gas station. Well, the place was mobbed because no one can plan ahead and get gas before shopping—” *scoffs* “—and this fight broke out over one of the pumps. One person stabbed the other, and the ambulance and the police showed up. I was lucky to make it out alive!”
Husband: “Were you at the pump they wanted?”
Mother-In-Law: “No, I was in line, four cars back.”
Brother-In-Law: “So, you weren’t really in danger?”
Mother-In-Law: “I was! Were you not listening?”
Brother-In-Law: “Right, of course. Sorry.”
Mother-In-Law: “Then, while I was on the ramp to get on the highway, the car in front of me was trying to merge in, and a trucker was trying to get to the side of the road at the same time. They collided, and the car burst into flames!”
Husband: *Genuinely concerned* “Did you call 911?!”
Mother-In-Law: “No, darling, I had to get [some sale item] before they ran out. Honestly, though, it was the worst morning of my life.”
Me: “So… you woke your elderly neighbor because you didn’t turn off your dome light, someone else got stabbed nowhere near you, another person lost their car and possibly more… and you had a bad morning?”
Mother-In-Law: “Yes! Who else would have so many bad things happen to them in one day?”
Husband: “Only you, I suppose.”
Yes, we have tried many times to get her to understand that just because she is part of the story, it doesn’t mean the story is about her. But as usual, we are wrong. It’s not a senility issue; his family has assured me that she has been this way her entire life.
And for closure, I did look up the accident and stabbing incidents. All parties who were actually involved did survive — as did [Mother-In-Law], which is clearly the most important part of all of this.