(My brother, my uncle, and I are watching the season finale of ‘Once Upon a Time’. The character is fighting a dragon. My mother in the background.)
Brother: “…and then she brings out the gun.”
Uncle: “In reality, bullets wouldn’t work against a dragon. Their scales are too tough.”
Me: “Wait, if flying metal won’t work, what use is a sword?”
Uncle: “If the sword has the prime of strength from the warrior, and is pointed directly at the dragon’s neck or heart, it will kill it.”
Brother: “Why wouldn’t it work with bullets?”
Uncle: “The velocity would be ruined. The bullets wouldn’t be powerful if shot from a distance.”
Me: “But would it work at close range?”
Uncle: “Sure, but you would have to get the dragon down to your level, somehow.”
Mom: “While you are all discussing the physics of reality, you do realize she’s fighting a dragon, a mythological creature?”
All three of us: “Shut up.”
(My daughter has been a lot into philosophy lately. We’re discussing this at the dinner table.)
Daughter: *finishing her point* “…and that is why we can’t tell the difference between good and evil.”
Me: “You should study philosophy when you go to university. You’d be good at it.”
Daughter: “No, I don’t want to. I prefer maths. Anyway, I don’t want to learn what other people think. I want to think by myself.”
Me: “I’m sure you could still learn a lot from people like Plato and Aristotle.”
Daughter: “But Mum, I’ve already learnt from them. Now I’m thinking beyond them!”
(My 6 year old is asking questions about her new-born sister.)
6 year old: “Mommy, how did [baby sister] get in your tummy?”
Me: “Mommy and daddy made her together.”
6 year old: “Can I help make the next one? Please? We can use brown paint!”
(My sister’s children are mixed race. My daughter wanted a sibling that looked just like her cousins!)
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(My sister and I share a car and to save on gas we plan to go places together. I work long shifts. We have planned a grocery trip, but I want to take a nap first.)
Me: “Will you still be here when I wake up?”
Sister: “What time are you going to wake up?”
Me: “I don’t know. Noon, maybe one.”
Sister: “I should still be here.”
Me: “You’d better be here or I’ll hunt you down and rip your fallopian tubes out through your belly button with a tiny robot arm!”
Sister: “Will you at least give me anaesthetic?”
Me: “No, no anaesthetic.”