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    Do You Want The Micro Or The Wave?

    | NY, USA | In-Laws, Parents & Guardians, Top

    (This is a story told to me by my mother, about her awful first marriage, which lasted a year to the day. Her ex-husband’s mother absolutely hates her, and the feeling is very mutual. For the one Christmas they spent together, she gave them a microwave. After the divorce, my mother’s ex-husband takes everything except said microwave. Then, one day, he shows up on my mother’s doorstep.)

    Ex-Husband: “Hi, I was wondering if I could have the microwave back?”

    Mom: “Uh, sure, I guess. I could get a new one for cheap – why?”

    Ex-Husband: “Well, my mom said she got it for me, and she wants it back now

    that—”

    (Mentioning that it was his mother that really wanted it was his big mistake. My mom closes the door in his face. A couple days later, her ex-mother-in-law calls her.)

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “My boy tells me you won’t give him his microwave back.”

    Mom: “Well, he got the house and all our furniture…”

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “It’s his property!”

    Mom: “No, it belonged to both of us. You gave it to both of us.”

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “I got it for HIM.”

    Mom: “Pity it doesn’t say that on the card.”

    (Her ex-mother-in-law, however, refuses to let it go, and calls my mom every day for a week. Finally, this happens.)

    Mom: “You know, I’ve been thinking it over. You did give it to both of us. It’s as much [Ex-Husband]‘s microwave as it is mine. It’s half his. So, do you want the half with the buttons, or the half with the cord?”

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “Excuse me?”

    Mom: “I have a saw.”

    (She hung up, and my mom never heard from her again. And yes, she kept that microwave for a good ten years after.)

    This Tale Has No Dead End

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Cousins, Top

    (My brother has had an accident. I visit him almost every day, and even make sure I am in the recovery room when he comes out of surgery. My parents are panicking. I hold his hand, speaking to him and getting him to squeeze my hand back in response. I am able to calm my parents once they know he is responding. We didn’t talk about it afterwards. About two months later at my Mum’s birthday dinner one of our cousins comes up to me.)

    Cousin: “Oh, my God. I have so much respect for you after what I heard about you.”

    Me: “Umm, what did you hear?”

    Cousin: “[Brother] told me what you did. I love you so much for what you did.”

    Me: “What I did do?”

    Cousin: *tearing up* “It just makes me cry!”

    Me: “What did I do?”

    Cousin: “[Brother] told me that he thought he was dead after his surgery. He couldn’t see anything or hear anything. Then he heard your voice talking to him. He thought he was DEAD. You called him back and held his hand.”

    (It was so nice to hear that. We tease the bejeezus out of each other but really don’t tell each other how we feel…)

    A Very Musical Family

    | USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Top

    (I’m a male. I’ve a female best friend. My mom has invited her to have dinner with us.)

    Mom: “So… [Friend], I heard you play guitar. So, I guess you must like One Direction? I must say they are cute!”

    Me: “Mom!”

    Dad: *scoffs*

    Friend: “Um… Yes, I love to play guitar but I’m not a fan of ANY band. I just like a few singers. It’s kind of a hobby.”

    Dad: “Oh, come on. Tell me you at least like Jus—”

    Me: “Dad, come on! Seriously?”

    Friend: *giggles* “No, Mr. [Name]. I prefer country songs.”

    Dad: *turning to me* “MARRY HER!”

    Brother: *from upstairs* “DUDE! NEVER LET HER GO!”

    Mom: “I’LL BOLT THE DOOR!”

    Friend: *laughing hysterically*

    Me: “Oh, God…”

    Catering For Your Future

    | Washington, DC, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Sons & Daughters, Top

    (We’re on a family walk through a very nice neighborhood. My younger sister is walking beside our mother, a little ahead of my father and me. We are all pointing out our favorite houses as we pass them. Suddenly, my mother shoves my younger sister off the sidewalk and into the street.)

    Sister: “Hey!”

    Dad: “Everything all right up there?”

    Mom: “Did you hear what she just said to me!?”

    Dad: “No, why? What’d she say?”

    Mom: “I asked if she’s gonna have a room for me when she gets all rich and famous and buys her big house. She said ‘Sure am. It’s gonna have hardwood floors, granite countertops, and stainless steel appliances. It’s gonna be called “The Kitchen.’”’”

    Won’t Depart Until You’ve Urn’ed It

    | Scania, Sweden | Grandparents, Top

    (My great-grandmother, a very energetic woman, died on New Year’s Eve at the age of 94. She requested to have her ashes planted in the sea off the coast of her childhood home. In May, it’s time for the ceremony, and it’s a very beautiful one. When we’ve said our good-byes, it’s time to plant the urn in the water. Grandpa drops the urn carefully- and can’t manage to make it sink. He struggles with this for several minutes.)

    Grandpa: Well, she was an exceptional swimmer…

    (Eventually, we just removed the lid and scooped water into the urn to make it sink. Good to know that even when she’d died, great-grandma still had her sense of humour!)


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