(We have recently moved into a new house across from a family with lots of kids. The neighbor comes over, and points to me playing in the yard.)

Neighbor: “Is that your oldest daughter?”

Mom: “Well, sort of; she’s the only one.”

Neighbor: “You have boys then?”

Mom: “Nope, just her.”

(The neighbor suddenly looks sad.)

Neighbor: “Oh, you just have the one?”

Mom: “Yeah, I did it right the first time.”

(The neighbor never mentioned my only-child status again.)

(My family has come down for a vacation, and we have rented a bunch of movies. I’m female, and have invited my girlfriend to come over to watch it with us. We have a very unusual relationship, but most of my family is used to it.)

Girlfriend: “You’re a glass blowing monkey!”

Me: “Them’s sounds like fighting words to me!”

Girlfriend: “A duel to the death it is!”

(We jump over the back of the couch and roll up old newspapers before having a ‘sword’ fight. We’re running all throughout the house, and in front of the television; disturbing the movie. My immediate family are acting as if nothing is happening.)

Cousin: “Is this really happening?”

Sister: “Is what happening?”

Cousin: “They’re tearing through the house fighting each other with newspapers, and you’re all sitting there like it’s normal!”

(My girlfriend and I slap each other in the neck. This usually means we’re both ‘dead’, but she also gets my thumb, which accidentally gives me a paper cut.)

Me: “You’ve got me! It is over; I shall die a slow agonizing death from the wound of a worthy opponent.”

Girlfriend: “It was a fantastic accident! Don’t fret my love; I will carry you on my back to the nearest apothecary and give my own life for yours if I must!”

Cousin: “Really guys? This isn’t weird?”

Father: “Shush! You’re ruining the movie.”

(I am taking my five-year-old son to the optometrist for his yearly eye check-up.)

Doctor: *to my son* “So, are you have any trouble seeing things?”

Son: “ Well my regular vision’s fine, but I’m still working on my x-ray vision.”

(My father is building our house. Since we have to move from our rental quite quickly, we move into our new house while it is partly unfinished. It is liveable, but only has one door and one window, both on the bottom floor of the two-storey house. During our house-warming party, we have bunch of guests over, many of whom smoke.)

Mom: “Dear! You need to do something about this smoke! It’s like Chicago in here!”

Dad: “Later.”

Mom: Dear! Now! It’s so stuffy in here! Can’t you pry that window downstairs open or something?!”

Dad: “Later!”

Mom: “NOW!”

(With a sigh, he sets down his drink, and goes downstairs. Moments later, we hear the loud roar of a chainsaw. Dad walks upstairs, goes to a wall, and proceeds to carve a square hole in the wall, then boots it out with his foot, letting the pieces fall to the ground below. He then turns the saw off, sets it down, and turns to my mom.)

Dad: “THERE! You have your f****** window! Now let me have my drink!”

(The next day, as a gag, my Mom’s boss gave her a housewarming present: Windex and paper towels for her ‘new window’! Dad did eventually put a real window there!)

(My five-year-old sister is talking to our mother.)

Sister: “I like it when my sister calls me ‘C-Bear’.”

Mother: “I’m glad.”

Sister: “It’s funny. I call her ‘Kristie-Bear’. I’ll call you ‘Mommy-Bear’, because you’re my Mommy.”

Mother: “Okay.”

Sister: “And I’ll call Daddy ‘Farty-Bear’, because he farts a lot.”