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    Knew Who All Along

    | GA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (We are opening Christmas presents at my parents’ house, and my husband opens a gift from my father, which is a DVD of the animated movie ‘Horton Hears a Who?’ My husband is a little confused but is very polite.)

    Husband: “Oh, thank you. We’ll enjoy watching this.”

    Dad: “That’s the movie, right? The one you always talk about, Horton Who?”

    Husband: “Um, no. I’ve never seen this, but thank you, I’m sure we’ll love it.”

    Dad: “But that’s it, isn’t it, [My Name]? You told me he liked the Who movies?”

    (I realize what has happened and start laughing.)

    Me: “Dad, I said he liked Doctor Who!”

    Dad: “Doctor what?”

    Both Of Us:Doctor Who!”

    Me: “But really, it’s okay. It’s not a big deal.”

    Dad: “Well, what else is in that box?”

    (My husband removes a piece of cardboard from the box to reveal a hidden ‘Doctor Who’ DVD! Dad laughed about the look on our faces all day!)

    Disgracefully Put In Her Place

    | The Netherlands | Grandparents, Top

    (We’re having a family gathering for my grandma’s birthday at a party location. My parents take me and my grandma there. My older sister drives there by herself with her husband and her kid. Before we leave to pick up grandma, my mother fumes about my cousin.)

    Mother: “[My Name], just remember not to talk about [Cousin] with grandma. It’s a disgrace.”

    Me: “Eh, what, exactly?”

    Mother: “She’s having a child while not being married! It’s a disgrace. Luckily, [Older Sister] did it better. Grandma is so disappointed about [Cousin]. Don’t mention it to her today; we don’t want her to get upset.”

    (We pick up grandma and she comes to sit next to me in the back seat. After a few blocks, she starts chatting with me. My mom listens in from the front seat.)

    Grandma: “You know, I am SO happy for [Cousin] that she got pregnant.”

    Me: “Um, yes… yes.”

    Grandma: “You know, in my time, it was a disgrace to have kids before you were wed. But times have changed! These days, it’s so much better. People first start living together, get to know each other, get kids. Being wed isn’t so important anymore as it used to be.”

    (My mother’s look I spotted in the rear-view mirror? Priceless!)

    Losing Your Religion Over It

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am in my local Pakistani owned corner shop, shortly before Christmas. The owner’s two young children are playing around the shelves in the shop.)

    Owner: *to his kids* “Hey, you two. If you don’t start behaving, I’ll phone Santa and remind him we are Muslim.”

    Hooked On Gingerbread

    | WA, USA | Cousins, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (My little cousin that’s about four is decorating his tiny Christmas tree with ornaments when he finds his favorite gingerbread man ornament doesn’t have the metal hook to hang it on the tree.)

    Cousin: “Oh, no! This gingerbread man lost his hooker!”

    Me: “What?!”

    Cousin: “You know, the metal thingy to hang him on the tree!”

    (I tried explaining that he should not use that word, but he was too young to understand that “hooker” was a naughty word and incorrect for what he was talking about. A few days later, we went to take pictures with Santa.)

    Santa: “Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas, young man! Is there anything you would like for Christmas?”

    Cousin: *yells loudly* “A GINGERBREAD MAN WITH A HOOKER!”

    Should Have Put A Sock In It

    | FL, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am in elementary school. My mother works on Saturdays. This means that my father waits until the Saturday before Christmas to wrap up her presents. This year, he’s enlisted my toddler-aged sister to help. Note that my mother has been pining after a pair of warm wool socks to wear to bed, and purple is her favorite color.)

    Dad: “Now, remember, when Mommy gets home, you can’t tell her what you helped me wrap, okay? Even if she asks. It’s a secret.”

    Sister: “Okay!”

    (About an hour later, my mother comes home.)

    Sister: “Mommy, Mommy! I helped Daddy wrap Christmas presents today?”

    Mom: “Oh, did you?”

    Sister: “Yes, and I can’t tell you what he got you, but it’s purple and it’s fuzzy and it’s socks!”

    (10 years later, we still refuse to tell her secrets, citing this incident!)

    Good Luck Blowing Out 2000 Candles

    | Wales, UK | Siblings, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (It is Christmas Eve. My brother is four and I am nine. My family doesn’t tell my brother when exactly Christmas day is, that way he’ll sleep through the night instead of waiting up for Santa Claus. I’m laying the dinner table with my dad for Christmas dinner the next day. We’re not a particularly religious family.)

    Brother: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Laying the table for tomorrow.”

    Brother: *notices the fancier table settings* “Why, what’s tomorrow?”

    Me: *thinking fast* “Jesus’ birthday!”

    (My dad shoots me a thumbs up over my brother’s head. My brother considers my answer.)

    Brother: “Oh. Can I sit next to Jesus?”

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