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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    Knew Who All Along

    | GA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (We are opening Christmas presents at my parents’ house, and my husband opens a gift from my father, which is a DVD of the animated movie ‘Horton Hears a Who?’ My husband is a little confused but is very polite.)

    Husband: “Oh, thank you. We’ll enjoy watching this.”

    Dad: “That’s the movie, right? The one you always talk about, Horton Who?”

    Husband: “Um, no. I’ve never seen this, but thank you, I’m sure we’ll love it.”

    Dad: “But that’s it, isn’t it, [My Name]? You told me he liked the Who movies?”

    (I realize what has happened and start laughing.)

    Me: “Dad, I said he liked Doctor Who!”

    Dad: “Doctor what?”

    Both Of Us:Doctor Who!”

    Me: “But really, it’s okay. It’s not a big deal.”

    Dad: “Well, what else is in that box?”

    (My husband removes a piece of cardboard from the box to reveal a hidden ‘Doctor Who’ DVD! Dad laughed about the look on our faces all day!)

    The Helicopter’s Going Down And So Is The Tone

    | IL, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s Christmas 2013, and my dad has just gotten two of those tiny remote-controlled helicopters like you’d see at the mall. He, my brother-in-law, and my VERY pregnant wife are in the living room playing with them, but I’m having trouble keeping mine in the air.)

    Me: “Man, once it goes down, it’s hard to get it back up!”

    Wife: *snorts, stifling laughter*

    Dad: “Wait until you’re older.”

    (At this, we all lost it. Unfortunately for my wife, having another human inside her put a lot of pressure on some specific organs, and her hysterical laughter caused her to pee her pants—on Christmas. She spent the rest of the day wearing a pair of bright red sweatpants my mom dug out of storage.)

    Next Year Just Play It By Ear

    | NY, USA | In-Laws, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (I have this conversation with my mother-in-law the first summer I am dating her son, my future husband. My husband is there to hear this conversation.)

    Mother-In-Law: *sees my earrings* “Oh, I love those!”

    Me: “Thanks! A lady I work with makes them.”

    Mother-In-Law: “I love big earrings!”

    Me: “Oh, really? I never see you wear them.”

    Mother-In-Law: “Yeah, I just don’t usually get around to putting them on so people don’t think I like them. I love big earrings like that, but people always assume I don’t because I don’t wear them.”

    (It sounds to me like she’s upset people don’t know that about her, so I put that in my mental vault to bring out for gifts at Christmas time. I order her a few pairs of the same exact kind of earring I was wearing that day with different charms of things that she likes instead.)

    Mother-In-Law: *as she opens them* “Oh, they’re beautiful! I love them! I never get earrings like this!”

    Me: “I know. I remembered our conversation about it where you said no one knew that about you.”

    (Fast-forward to the first year my husband and I are married. I am picking out Christmas gifts again.)

    Me: “I’m thinking of getting your mom some more earrings this year, although I’ve never seen her wear the last ones I got her.”

    Husband: *makes a doubtful face*

    Me: “What?” *moment of realization* “She didn’t like them, did she?”

    Husband: “…no.”

    Me: “Why not? She loved the ones I had.”

    Husband: “She said they were too big.”

    Me: “What?! They were the same size as the ones she liked of mine!”

    Husband: *sigh* “I know…”

    (I gave up trying for personalized things for her that year, since she was so back-and-forth with what she said she liked. Sometimes you can’t win!)

    Losing One’s Cool Before Birth

    | NY, USA | Siblings, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m eight-months pregnant. My husband has taken to talking to our baby in utero, usually telling her about me or his father or his brothers. One day we are having dinner with his family, and he’s talking to the baby while I check my email before dinner.)

    Husband: “…and your uncle [Brother]. He’s not as cool as me or your mom, but he’s okay.”

    Brother: *leans over the back of the couch until his nose is almost touching my belly* “Don’t listen to him. I’m cooler than all of them combined.”

    Me: “Say what you want. She’ll think you’re both huge dorks at some point in her life no matter what.”

    Always Second Best

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (My divorce was several years in the past, and I bring my fiancé to meet my parents at Christmas.)

    Mother: “[Fiancé]?”

    Fiancé: “Yes?”

    Mother:“I just want you to know … I mean, [My Name]‘s father and I want you to know…”

    Fiancé: “Yes?”

    Mother: “We just want you to know how much we miss [My Name]‘s first husband!”

    Fiancé: *blank silence*


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