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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    Mildly Swears It Wasn’t Him

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Cousins, Spouses & Partners

    (My cousin’s husband swears like a sailor, but he’s been trying to tone it down since his daughter was born.)

    Daughter: *drops cookie* “D*** it!”

    (Everyone turns to look at my cousin’s husband and his wife glares.)

    Cousin’s Husband: “It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me!”

    His Mom: “You’re right. That was too tame for [Cousin’s Husband].”

    Cousin’s Husband: “THANK YOU… Hey, wait a minute…”

    His Blanket Response

    | Orem, UT, USA | Children, Spouses & Partners

    (My two-month-old son keeps kicking his blankets off, unless I swaddle him really tight. As we live in a basement, it gets rather cold at night, so this is a problem. He also doesn’t smile much, looking at everything very seriously. My husband is getting exasperated, after the fifth or sixth time he’s replaced the blanket in ten minutes.)

    Husband: “Honestly, child, do we have to pin the darn thing on you?”

    Baby: *gives the biggest grin we’ve seen to date, and coos happily*

    Me: “Did he just…?”

    Husband: “Yes. Yes, he did. ”

    Me: “Don’t look at me; he’s your son!”

    Make Him Slam The Door

    | MT, USA | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (I have a habit of quoting lyrics as if they are normal conversation. This always drives my husband crazy.)

    Husband: *correcting my son’s grammar* “LET it go. She let the turtle go.”

    Son: “Ooooh. Let it go.”

    Me: “Let it go?”

    Husband: *death glare*

    Me: *honestly trying to behave myself and falling miserably* “Can’t hold it back anymore.”

    Husband: *pounces and tickles, his only weapon against me*

    As Long As It Has Two Claws And A Beak We’re Happy

    | USA | Children, Spouses & Partners

    (My husband of four years and I are talking about having children. We have gone back and forth on whether we want them or not. Right now we have kind of agreed not to have them.)

    Me: “I don’t know, it would be kind of nice to have a baby. You know, give it a name, feed it, hold it, teach it words…”

    Husband: “What you just said is a parrot. You want a parrot.”

    A Monster Of A Ring-Tone

    | Dallas, TX, USA | In-Laws, Spouses & Partners

    (My mother-in-law is a nice lady, but she’s known for being loud and outspoken. My husband has taken my phone and changed the ringtone heard when she texts me.)

    Me: *sitting at work when she texts me about a birthday gift for our nephews*

    Phone: *lets out this loud Godzilla-like ‘RAWR!!!’ in the middle of the office*

    Me: *whispering while performing the impossible task of finding the off switch while in an embarrassed panic* “Crap, crap, crap!”

    (I later tell my husband about this when we meet for lunch.)

    Me: “I apparently forgot to turn my phone on silent before going into work this morning. I’m pretty sure the whole office heard the ringtone you made for your mom.”

    Husband: *laughing* “YES! That’s exactly what I was hoping for when I chose that ringtone. I was hoping it would go off at the most inopportune time! Did anyone say anything?”

    Me: “Thankfully not. I was really hoping they wouldn’t figure out what desk it was coming from.”

    The Phrasing Is Worse Than The Cure

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (I attempt to give my 14-year-old daughter some cough, cold, and flu medicine that is as thick as molasses, brown, and tastes horrible. It is a credit to her that she was able to keep down the amount she swallows. I say Dad must have bought it, because I would not buy something that looked that ghastly. Later on I tell my husband about it, and he teases her about not being able to drink it.)

    Me: *handing him the bottle* “If you are so brave, you have some.”

    (He opens the bottle and takes a swig. He keeps a straight face.)

    Husband: “I have to go lick the a** of a skunk now to get the taste out of my mouth!”

    Me: “Okay… good affirmation that it actually does taste bad, but did you have to phrase it that way?”


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