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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    Meeting The Family Is So-So

    | Chicago, IL, USA | In-Laws, Spouses & Partners

    (I am having a holiday dinner with my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. The dinner table consists of her mom, her dad, and her twin teenaged younger brothers. We’ve just begun eating and there is a painfully long silence in the conversation.)

    Girlfriend’s Dad: “Soo…”

    Me: “So?”

    Girlfriend’s Mom: “So-so?”

    Girlfriend: “Soooo so so so?”

    Girlfriends’ Brother #1: “So?”

    Girlfriend’s Brother #2: “What?”

    Girlfriend: “Uh…”

    Girlfriend’s Mom: “So so?”

    Girlfriend’s Dad: “Eh?”

    Girlfriend: “Um…”

    Me: “What’s going on?!”

    Girlfriend’s Mom: “You’ve got yourself a keeper! He’s cute when he’s got no idea what’s going on. Just like YOUR dad!”

    Girlfriend’s Dad: *grumbles under his breath*

    (They all go back to eating in silence as if nothing happened. I still to this day have no idea what actually transpired there, and neither does my girlfriend.)

    A Huge Blunder

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Spouses & Partners

    (I’m in the car with my husband. We have the windows rolled down. As we are leaving the parking lot, I notice a really HUGE mastiff sitting alone in a convertible.)

    Me: *shouting at the Mastiff* “You’re HUGE!” *turn to my husband* “I said he was huge and he looked at me!”

    Husband: *shakes his head* “I can’t believe you just said that.”

    Me: “What? Why? I thought it was really cute.”

    Husband: “Look again.”

    (When I turn around to look, I notice a very muscular, body builder type guy near the car with the mastiff and my eyes go wide.)

    Husband: “When you said that, that guy looked right at you!”

    Me: “I had no clue! I was looking at the dog!!’

    Husband: “I can’t take you anywhere.”

    Can’t Mask The Truth From Children

    | MI, USA | Children, Nephews & Nieces, Spouses & Partners

    (My fiancé had an extremely abusive relationship before me, one that took her several years of therapy to recover from. Part of her previous partner’s abuse involved breaking her cheek bone and part of her jaw, and while she has had reconstructive surgery, she still has some very heavy scarring and prefers to wear a mask out in public. We are visiting relatives on my side for a family dinner, many of whom have not seen her without the mask. This is an interaction between my five-year-old niece and her.)

    Niece: *to my fiancé* “Why do you always wear that mask?”

    Fiancé: *tenses up* “Because I’m ugly.”

    Niece: “I bet you’re not!”

    Fiancé: “Yes, I am.”

    Niece: “Never! See?”

    (My niece climbs a chair and puts a dirty flower that she’s picked from the garden in her hair.)

    Niece: “All pretty girls need a flower!”

    (At that point my fiancé breaks down and gives a few happy sobs while holding her. Later…)

    Fiancé: “Have I ever told you how awesome your family is?”

    Me: “You could stand to mention it more.”

    (She playfully punched me and then gave me a hug before taking off her mask. For the first time she attended a family dinner without wearing it at all. Goes to show you that sometimes kids know what you need better than you do!)

    Warp Factor Golden Brown

    | AZ, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m visiting my mother and her fiancé. I’m eating breakfast, while they’re both browsing the Internet.)

    Mom’s Fiancé: “I found the toaster I want.”

    (Points to the glass toaster on his computer screen. Said toaster is made by Bugatti, a company better known for its fast sports cars.)

    Me: “That must be one fast toaster. I wonder if you get speeding tickets using it?”

    Mom’s Fiancé: “That toaster is so fast, Kirk would no longer say, ‘Warp six, Mr. Sulu.’ He’d say, ‘Toast, Mr. Sulu.’ ”

    Me: “But that makes it sound like you’re going to put Sulu in the toaster!”

    Mom’s Fiancé: “Eh. He’s not a red shirt, he’ll be okay.”

    Me: “Yeah, but then he’d be red all over!”

    Mom: *laughing* “This is a weird conversation.”

    Me: “This is an awesome conversation!”

    Twin Speaks

    | OR, USA | Spouses & Partners

    (My wife has been in the hospital off and on for a few weeks. I’ve used almost all of my vacation time, so I’ve been going back to work to try to save some of it for an emergency. I call her during the workday to check up on her, and after a coworker asks me about how she’s doing.)

    Coworker: “So, how’s the wife?”

    Me: “I’m not sure. I think what she said was that they started her on a new medication.”

    Coworker: “Made her a little loopy?”

    Me: “Well, she starts out the sentence strong, but by the end she sounds like she’s talking in one of those made up languages that twins use.”


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