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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    Punchy Names

    | Devon, England, UK | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (We have just started reading ‘Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone’ to our six-year-old son and get to the bit about how mean the Dursleys are to Harry.)

    Son: *sitting up and raising his hands into fists* “If they were like that with me I would introduce them to…” *indicates one fist* “…Margret and…” *indicates other fist* “Terry.”

    Wife & Me: “…”

    (We still have no idea why his fists are called that, or even why they have names.)

    The Crazy Things You Do On Coffee

    | USA | Spouses & Partners

    (I tend to be VERY sarcastic if I’m not careful, and my husband is still not always sure when I am serious or not unless I say so. This conversation happens after telling him that my dad just bought my sister a boat.)

    Husband: *annoyed by my dad’s poor financial track record* “Your dad just spends money like a caffeinated five-year-old in a candy store and—”

    Me: “Wait… you can caffeinate a five year old? Then set him loose in a candy store? That doesn’t sound smart.”

    Husband: “That was just an expression. No, you don’t do that.”

    Me: “I know, I know… sorry. Please continue.”

    Husband: “Anyway, he just spends money like a caffeinated five year old in a candy store and doesn’t consult with his wife about anything and—”

    Me: “Wait, now this caffeinated five year old is married?!”

    Husband: “…”

    Me: “Sorry, couldn’t help it… Easy target…”

    How To Resolve The Banana Drama

    | Marlboro, NJ, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (My two-year-old daughter has had an upset tummy, and therefore hasn’t eaten much all day. When she finally gets hungry, my husband and I try to talk her into eating something healthy, but she can be a stubborn little thing.)

    Daughter: “Cereal, please.”

    Husband: “How about a banana?”

    Daughter: “Cereal!”

    Husband: “Do you want a banana?”

    Daughter: “CEREAL!”

    Me: “Or how about some peanuts?”

    Daughter: “BANANA!”

    (She ate the banana. And some peanuts.)

    Not Married To Both Ideas

    | UT, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m attending a friend’s wedding reception and the time comes for the bouquet toss. She turns her back to us and lobs the thing in a nice, high arc. I extend my arm to full length and catch it flawlessly. Her 15-year-old sister is a foot taller and standing behind me, which means she reached down and caught it simultaneously. We freeze and turn to look at each other.)

    Me: “I have no idea what to do in this case.”

    Father-Of-The-Bride: “[Sister]! No!  No, no, no!”

    Bride: *laughing* “You co-caught it! So [Sister] gets the centerpiece and you get the bouquet.”

    Me: “Works for me!”

    (Two years later, neither of us is married, but I think their father is just fine with that.)

    Laid It All Out In The Open

    | Orem, UT, USA | Siblings, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m pregnant, and my husband and I decide it’s time to start informing the extended family, since winter sweaters can only hide my growing bulk for so long. We start with his younger brother, and meet him for dinner and a movie.)

    Brother: *holding up his beer* “You sure you don’t want one?”

    Me: “Even if I did drink, I’d be off alcohol for the duration.”

    Brother: “Wait, what? Do you mean you’re…? Congratulations!” *holds up his bottle in a toast, then takes a drink*

    Me: “Yes, there is now physical evidence that your brother has gotten laid.”

    Brother: *chokes on his drink*

    Husband: *blushes*

    My Family And Other (Extinct) Animals, Part 3

    | Culpeper, VA, USA | Siblings, Spouses & Partners

    (My wife is texting with her sister about a homeschool trip to see some newly discovered dinosaur tracks nearby…)

    Wife: “We have to leave early Friday. We’re going to see some newly discovered dinosaur tracks in Culpeper.”

    Sister: “For a school project?”

    Wife: “Yes.”

    Sister: “Really? I thought they were extinct.”

    Wife: “…”

    Sister: “That’s creepy. I’d be scared.”

    Related:
    My Family And Other (Extinct) Animals, Part 2
    My Family And Other (Extinct) Animals
    My Family And Other Animals


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