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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    Offline And Off-topic

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (Our little one is three months old, so a fairly consistent bedtime routine has been established. Most evenings my husband and I watch Netflix or HULU or browse the Internet while holding her, but this particular evening it’s down and no matter how hard we try it won’t come back on. We decided to turn in early.)

    Me: *singing a made up lullaby tune to baby* “It’s time for sleep; it’s time for bed…”

    Husband: “…because the Internet is dead.”

    Time To Put Selfishness On Hold

    | Houston, TX, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (I am standing behind a couple in line at Walmart. The woman is holding their baby in one arm, and is struggling to work the credit card swiping machine with the one free hand she has. Her husband stands there oblivious to her struggles while looking at his cell phone.)

    Wife: “Could you take him, please? I’m trying to swipe my card and I need you to hold him real fast.”

    Husband: *rolls eyes and goes back to using his phone*

    Wife: *raising her voice* “I held this baby for nine months; you can hold him for nine seconds!”

    Husband: *looking awkward and embarrassed, takes baby*

    Stopping Mr. Green From Being Blue

    | Miami, FL, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (My wife and I have just brought home our Christmas tree. We stand it up in the living room and head out to the garage to get the decorations, only to find our four-year-old daughter hugging it and petting it like a puppy.)

    Daughter: “Don’t be sad, Mr. Green.”

    Wife: “[Daughter]? What are you doing, sweetie?”

    Daughter: “Making Mr. Green feel better.”

    Me: “Who’s Mr. Green, babygirl?”

    (She stops hugging the tree, then points at it and jumps up and down.)

    Daughter: “HIM!”

    Wife: “Oh… is Mr. Green sad?”

    Daughter: “Uh-huh.”

    Me: “Why is he sad?”

    Daughter: *rolling her eyes* “Because he misses the other trees, daddy!”

    (We ended up referring to our Christmas tree as “Mr. Green” the remainder of the season.)

    It’s Italian For ‘Merry Christmas’

    | NV, USA | Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (My partner is from Italy and therefore often speaks Italian with his family. They usually try to speak English when I’m around, since I’m from Michigan and can’t speak Italian, but sometimes they slip up. We’re at his twin brother’s house for Christmas. My partner and his brother seem to be arguing, in Italian.)

    Partner: *to brother* “Vaffanculo!”

    (His brother leaves the room in a huff.)

    Me: “What did you say to him?”

    Partner: “I told him to go f*** himself.”

    Me: “What?! Why?”

    Partner: “He didn’t want to do the dishes after Christmas dinner.”

    Knew Who All Along

    | GA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (We are opening Christmas presents at my parents’ house, and my husband opens a gift from my father, which is a DVD of the animated movie ‘Horton Hears a Who?’ My husband is a little confused but is very polite.)

    Husband: “Oh, thank you. We’ll enjoy watching this.”

    Dad: “That’s the movie, right? The one you always talk about, Horton Who?”

    Husband: “Um, no. I’ve never seen this, but thank you, I’m sure we’ll love it.”

    Dad: “But that’s it, isn’t it, [My Name]? You told me he liked the Who movies?”

    (I realize what has happened and start laughing.)

    Me: “Dad, I said he liked Doctor Who!”

    Dad: “Doctor what?”

    Both Of Us:Doctor Who!”

    Me: “But really, it’s okay. It’s not a big deal.”

    Dad: “Well, what else is in that box?”

    (My husband removes a piece of cardboard from the box to reveal a hidden ‘Doctor Who’ DVD! Dad laughed about the look on our faces all day!)

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