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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    A Monster Of A Ring-Tone

    | Dallas, TX, USA | In-Laws, Spouses & Partners

    (My mother-in-law is a nice lady, but she’s known for being loud and outspoken. My husband has taken my phone and changed the ringtone heard when she texts me.)

    Me: *sitting at work when she texts me about a birthday gift for our nephews*

    Phone: *lets out this loud Godzilla-like ‘RAWR!!!’ in the middle of the office*

    Me: *whispering while performing the impossible task of finding the off switch while in an embarrassed panic* “Crap, crap, crap!”

    (I later tell my husband about this when we meet for lunch.)

    Me: “I apparently forgot to turn my phone on silent before going into work this morning. I’m pretty sure the whole office heard the ringtone you made for your mom.”

    Husband: *laughing* “YES! That’s exactly what I was hoping for when I chose that ringtone. I was hoping it would go off at the most inopportune time! Did anyone say anything?”

    Me: “Thankfully not. I was really hoping they wouldn’t figure out what desk it was coming from.”

    The Phrasing Is Worse Than The Cure

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Parents & Guardians, Spouses & Partners

    (I attempt to give my 14-year-old daughter some cough, cold, and flu medicine that is as thick as molasses, brown, and tastes horrible. It is a credit to her that she was able to keep down the amount she swallows. I say Dad must have bought it, because I would not buy something that looked that ghastly. Later on I tell my husband about it, and he teases her about not being able to drink it.)

    Me: *handing him the bottle* “If you are so brave, you have some.”

    (He opens the bottle and takes a swig. He keeps a straight face.)

    Husband: “I have to go lick the a** of a skunk now to get the taste out of my mouth!”

    Me: “Okay… good affirmation that it actually does taste bad, but did you have to phrase it that way?”

    I Know I’m Wrong But I’m Not Sorry

    | TN, USA | Siblings, Spouses & Partners

    Dad: “Listen, boys. The six most important words to know when your married are ‘I know, I’m wrong, and I’m sorry/'”

    Mom: “That’s right!”

    Me: “Or: ‘woman make some room now!'”

    Brother: “Dude, that’s only five words.”

    Me: “It is? One two three four five. Oh, it is. How about ‘Woman go make some food now!'”

    Mom: “Give me your phone.”

    Me: “I was kidding!”

    Mom: “Don’t talk until we get to the hotel.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    In England No One Can Hear You Scream, Part 2

    | Jerusalem, Israel | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (This is a follow-up to this story. My daughter, now four, is talking with me about things that have and do not have wings.)

    Me: “Oh, and a pegasus has four legs and wings.”

    Daughter: “What’s a pegasus?”

    Me: “It’s like a horse with wings.”

    Wife: “There’s a pegasus on a poster in her room you can show her.”

    (I take my daughter to her room and point out the pegasus.)

    Me: “See? It has four legs, but it also has wings. But pegasuses aren’t real.”

    Wife: *calling out from the other room* “They have them in England!”

    Related:
    In England, No One Can Hear You Scream

    Instruction Destruction

    | GA, USA | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    Husband: “Okay, what I need you guys to do is—”

    Son: “Shoot the cat?”

    Me: “Shock the monkey?”

    Son: “PUT THE LIME IN THE COCONUT?!”

    Husband: *gives up and goes outside*

    It’s Not A Running Secret

    | Marlborough, MA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (I am four years old, and my mother has bought running shoes for my father for his birthday.)

    Mother: “Now remember, don’t tell Daddy about the running shoes.”

    Me: “Okay!”

    (I immediately run into the living room, look at my father and say…)

    Me: “Don’t tell Daddy about the running shoes!”

    (28 years later and I am still not allowed to forget it.)


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