(I am having a heart-to-heart with my dad.)

Me: “I want to just move out, you know? Be on my own; spread my wings and fly!”

Dad: “I understand. Just like a dodo bird overlooking a cliff…”

Me: “Dad, dodo birds are extinct; they didn’t fly either.”

Dad: “…and the cliff overlooks plains full of great white sharks that have developed a taste for dodo birds…”

(My husband and I are atheists, but are trying to raise our five-year-old son without too much bias on the subject. We drive by a church.)

Son: “Why is there a church there?”

Me: “Well, so people can go and worship God.”

Son: “Why do they need a building for that?”

Me: “Um… so they can find other people to talk about God with.”

Son: “Okay, do you believe in God?”

Me: “Um… not particularly. Do you?”

Son: “I think that God could be real, yes.”

Me: “Okay then.”

Son: “But what is God? Who is he?”

Me: “He’s the guy people think made the world… and everything.”

Son: “But, gravity made the world. It pulled all the bits of rock and stuff together, and made the planets.”

Me: “Hmmm…”

(We stay silent, trying not to tell him what to think.)

Son: “Mommy? I don’t believe in God anymore.”

(My son has picked up the phone. On the line is a scammer claiming to be from ‘windows tech support’. He is trying to convince him his computer has a virus.)

Son: “Hello?” *pause* “Yes, this is he.” *pause* “No you’re not.” *pause* “No dumb-a***, that doesn’t exist.” *pause* “You can assure me all you want, you’re not getting access to my computer.” *pause* “No there aren’t, I regularly scan my computer with legitimate software to remove what few viruses get through the firewall.” *pause* “Oh really, one of our other computers? One of the Macs, so well known for being fixed by Windows tech support? I bet your parents are real f***ing proud of you, knowing you make a living trying to steal other people’s money.” *pause* “No call for it? Are you kidding me? There’s no call for you phoning me up trying to steal my money, so I’ll guilt trip you as much as I please.” *pause* “Yes, I know that will show lots of errors, that’s what it always does. I’d be more worried if it didn’t show any errors.” *pause* “I don’t understand why you haven’t hung up yet; you must realise you’re not getting any money out of me… unless you’re not actually allowed to hang up, in which case it’s story time!”

(My son walks into the dining room where my husband and I are sitting, grabs the first book he sees, and flips it open.)

Son: “Ah, J.R.R Tolkien’s The Hobbit, or There and Back Again. Yes, I think we can skip the opening notes. ‘In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirt’—aww, he hung up.”

(As a result of that exchange, we started keeping a small stack of books next to the telephone to read from when scammers or telemarketers call, to see how long it takes them to hang up!)

(The guy I like has expressed interest in meeting my family. I’m talking it over with my parents.)

Me: “Dad, you need to be nice to him.”

Dad: “I’m always nice!”

Me: “Uh-huh. What about that time when [ex] came to pick me up for a date, and you had Fox News on at full volume in the background?”

(The ex in question was very liberal.)

Dad: “That’s different. That was funny!”

(I am four years old. I am taking an IQ test to see if I can start kindergarten a year early. My dad is watching the test from behind a one way mirror.)

Tester: “What’s a liquid that comes in a bottle?”

Me: “Beer!”

Tester: “…Okay. Why don’t you tell me another one?”

Me: “Wine!”

Dad: “Is this where child protective services show up?”