(I’m at my in-laws’ home. My two-month-old daughter has just woken up, and is hungry.)

Father-in-law: “Maybe I should hold her. Sometimes she smiles at the sound of my voice.”

Me: “Sometimes she sees my boob and smiles.”

Husband: “We have a winner.”

(We have recently found pinworms in our children. After having taken the medicine, we pay more than usual attention to hygiene.)

Wife: “Don’t scratch your rear; you can get the worm eggs on your fingers. You suck them, and you can re-infect yourself this way.”

Daughter: “But I scratch with this one…” *shows index finger* “…and suck this one.” *shows thumb*

(While I’m at my desk, my 11-year-old daughter comes up behind me to hug me. I’m sitting and she’s standing, so she basically has to grab me in a headlock.)

Me: “Honey, I can’t breathe like this!”

Daughter: “You can live three minutes without air.”

(I am seven years old. My dad is outside, and my mom is with guests in the living room.)

Dad: “Honey, can you go inside and get the leaf blower? I can’t finish this job without it.”

(I run inside to the living room with my mother and all her guests.)

Me: “Daddy is in the yard for a blow job, and he can’t find his blower!”

(My son is 12 years old. I pass his room, and see that he hasn’t made his bed. I call down to him.)

Me: “Hey, [son]!”

Son: “What?”

Me: “Guess what I just found.”

Son: “What?”

Me: “An unmade bed in your room.”

Son: “Oh good, I thought I’d lost it!”