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    Category: Sons & Daughters

    Leaving You In A Pickle

    | Finland | Sons & Daughters

    (My daughter and I are the only two people in our household who like pickles. One day I open the refrigerator to find a pickle jar with no pickles left in it.)

    Me: “[Daughter], why is there a jar of pickle juice in the refrigerator?”

    Daughter: “It’s not JUST juice. I left you pickle debris!”

    Fishing For Some Perspective

    | Nanaimo, BC, Canada | Sons & Daughters

    (I am the dad at home for my three boys, aged 10, 8, and 5. They share a fish tank with a goldfish each (named Ill, Sick, and Stupid – their choices). While the boys are at school, I notice the oldest son’s fish is dead and disposed of it. After I walk them back from school, I break the bad news to my oldest son. Note that the date is September 13, 2001.)

    Me: “[Son], I’m sorry, but your fish died today, so I flushed it down the toilet.”

    Son: *with great emotion* “Well, that’s just great! First 9-11, and now this!”

    It’s Been Awhile, Percentile

    | USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (I have just returned home from our son’s two-month check-up and am telling my husband how it went.)

    Me: “The doctor said he jumped from the 20th percentile for weight at the two-week visit to the 50th percentile today, so that’s good.”

    Husband: “Don’t you mean he went from the 50th to the 20th percentile?”

    Me: “No…”

    Husband: “So he fell behind in weight?”

    Me: “No, I told you he went from 20th to 50th. Don’t you know how percentiles work?”

    Husband: “Of course I do!”

    Me: “So at two weeks, he was heavier than 20 percent of kids his age, and now he’s heavier than 50 percent of them.”

    Husband: “…I guess I had it backwards. I just remember always being in the 90-ish percentile for standardized tests…”

    Me: “…Which means you’re supposed to be SMARTER than 90 percent of the population! Maybe we need to have you re-tested…”

    Husband: “…Yeah, maybe you do.”

    Leaves No Other Option

    | FL, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (I am talking to my three-year-old daughter.)

    Daughter: “Daddy home yet?”

    Me: “No, but he just going to come home and change then he is going to see his friends.”

    Daughter: “Noooo… no daddy friends. Daddy stay here with me and play.”

    Me: “Daddy wants to see his friends. You can ask him to stay but he wants to see friends tonight.”

    Daughter: “Nooo… you see friends. Daddy stay home.”

    Me: “You want me to leave and daddy to play with you?”

    Daughter: “Yeah.”

    (She then turned around and walked away. Well, that settled that!)

    Driving Towards Trouble

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Sons & Daughters

    (I’m explaining to my five year old that if she ever gets in trouble she should try to find someone to help, like a police officer.)

    Daughter: “What if I’m all by myself and I can’t find anyone to help me?”

    Me: “Why would you be walking down the street by yourself?”

    Daughter: “Because I don’t know how to drive!”

    Oblivious Twinned With The Obvious

    | CA, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (My five-year-old daughter has friends who are twins, boys with what look to me to be identical features and identical hair cuts. I decide to see if she can inform me a bit on identification.)

    Me: “Do [Twin #1] and [Twin #2] look the same to you, or different?”

    Daughter: “They look different.”

    Me: “How do you tell which is which?”

    Daughter: “Because I know what [Twin #1] looks like, and I know what [Twin #2] looks like.”

    Me: *defeated*

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