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    Category: Sons & Daughters

    Not Impressed With Who You’re Trying To Impress

    | CT, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I overheard this gem while shopping; I’m assuming it’s a father and daughter.)

    Dad: “You don’t need all this makeup. You’re beautiful the way you are and whoever he is will like you regardless.”

    Daughter: “Excuse me? I do not wear makeup to impress boys. How can you say that?”

    Dad: “Come on, it’s a well-known fact that girls wear makeup to hide how basic and average they are. But you don’t need that; you have natural beauty.”

    Daughter: “Believe it or not, women do wear makeup for themselves. They don’t do it just for other’s satisfaction. Besides, most men will jump on anything that has tits and a vagina; girls though, have higher standards.”

    Dad: “…”

    Daughter: “I’m trying to impress a girl.”

    Dad: “…”

    Daughter: “At some point you’re going to have to accept that I’m a lesbian.”

    Dad: “Did someone say we needed milk?”

    Cut-Rate Zombie Apocalypse

    | Powell River, BC, Canada | Sons & Daughters

    (I tell my son about a dream I had the night before.)

    Son: “Well, I had a zombie Nerf war dream, so mine trumps yours.”

    Me: “Are Nerf guns very effective against zombies?”

    Son: “They were in this dream.”

    Me: “Good thing to know. Too bad I sold yours.”

    Son: “Those were “Derf” guns. I wouldn’t trust those in a pinch.”

    Me: “I guess you get what you pay for.”

    New Year’s Take Flight

    | NY, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My five-year-old daughter has brought home a worksheet showing one of her New Year’s resolutions.)

    Worksheet: “My New Year’s Resolution: teach my little sister how to fly.”

    Two For The Price Of One

    | Buffalo, NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (My mother, sister, husband and I are at the doctor’s office for my first ultrasound after finding out that I am pregnant with my first pregnancy. The doctor places ultrasound transducer on abdomen.)

    Me: “Why does my uterus look like it’s split in two?”

    Doctor: “Because there are two babies in there.”

    Me: *laughing, shocked*

    Mom: *shocked* “Oh, my god…”

    Sister: “I KNEW IT!!”

    Husband: “Well, at least we’ll save on hospital bills!”

    (Not even an hour later it was all over Facebook before my husband and I could tell anyone! Thanks, Mom!)

    Misunderstanding Meal Replacement Plans

    | UT, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (My 16-month-old son runs to the fridge, hoping I’ll get him something to eat.)

    Me: “What do you want to eat?”

    Son: “Dinner!”

    Me: “We don’t eat dinner in the morning! It’s breakfast time!”

    Son: “Breakfast!”

    Me: “What do you want for breakfast?”

    Son: “…Dinner!”

    Meet The Zucchini Family

    | Europe | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (I had a long day and just about managed to make zucchini boats for dinner. We’re now sitting at the table. I gave the best-looking boats to the kid and kept the worst ones for myself, and the husband’s are somewhere in the middle.)

    Husband: *in jest* “Hey, how come [Daughter]’s zucchini are tidy cute and nice, and I got these big ugly fellas?”

    Me: *equally in jest* “Because [Daughter] is tidy cute and nice and you are a big ugly fella. Eat up.”

    Daughter: *looking pointedly into my plate* “Mommy, if these are your zucchini, then how are you?”

    Me: “Squishy and in pieces, dear.”

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    Meet The Cannibal Family


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