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    Category: Sons & Daughters

    Not Impressed With Who You’re Trying To Impress

    | CT, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I overheard this gem while shopping; I’m assuming it’s a father and daughter.)

    Dad: “You don’t need all this makeup. You’re beautiful the way you are and whoever he is will like you regardless.”

    Daughter: “Excuse me? I do not wear makeup to impress boys. How can you say that?”

    Dad: “Come on, it’s a well-known fact that girls wear makeup to hide how basic and average they are. But you don’t need that; you have natural beauty.”

    Daughter: “Believe it or not, women do wear makeup for themselves. They don’t do it just for other’s satisfaction. Besides, most men will jump on anything that has tits and a vagina; girls though, have higher standards.”

    Dad: “…”

    Daughter: “I’m trying to impress a girl.”

    Dad: “…”

    Daughter: “At some point you’re going to have to accept that I’m a lesbian.”

    Dad: “Did someone say we needed milk?”

    Cut-Rate Zombie Apocalypse

    | Powell River, BC, Canada | Sons & Daughters

    (I tell my son about a dream I had the night before.)

    Son: “Well, I had a zombie Nerf war dream, so mine trumps yours.”

    Me: “Are Nerf guns very effective against zombies?”

    Son: “They were in this dream.”

    Me: “Good thing to know. Too bad I sold yours.”

    Son: “Those were “Derf” guns. I wouldn’t trust those in a pinch.”

    Me: “I guess you get what you pay for.”

    New Year’s Take Flight

    | NY, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My five-year-old daughter has brought home a worksheet showing one of her New Year’s resolutions.)

    Worksheet: “My New Year’s Resolution: teach my little sister how to fly.”

    Two For The Price Of One

    | Buffalo, NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (My mother, sister, husband and I are at the doctor’s office for my first ultrasound after finding out that I am pregnant with my first pregnancy. The doctor places ultrasound transducer on abdomen.)

    Me: “Why does my uterus look like it’s split in two?”

    Doctor: “Because there are two babies in there.”

    Me: *laughing, shocked*

    Mom: *shocked* “Oh, my god…”

    Sister: “I KNEW IT!!”

    Husband: “Well, at least we’ll save on hospital bills!”

    (Not even an hour later it was all over Facebook before my husband and I could tell anyone! Thanks, Mom!)

    Misunderstanding Meal Replacement Plans

    | UT, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (My 16-month-old son runs to the fridge, hoping I’ll get him something to eat.)

    Me: “What do you want to eat?”

    Son: “Dinner!”

    Me: “We don’t eat dinner in the morning! It’s breakfast time!”

    Son: “Breakfast!”

    Me: “What do you want for breakfast?”

    Son: “…Dinner!”

    Meet The Zucchini Family

    | Europe | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (I had a long day and just about managed to make zucchini boats for dinner. We’re now sitting at the table. I gave the best-looking boats to the kid and kept the worst ones for myself, and the husband’s are somewhere in the middle.)

    Husband: *in jest* “Hey, how come [Daughter]’s zucchini are tidy cute and nice, and I got these big ugly fellas?”

    Me: *equally in jest* “Because [Daughter] is tidy cute and nice and you are a big ugly fella. Eat up.”

    Daughter: *looking pointedly into my plate* “Mommy, if these are your zucchini, then how are you?”

    Me: “Squishy and in pieces, dear.”

    Meet The Unknown Family
    Meet The Awesome Family
    Meet The Jedi Family
    Meet The Sarcasm Family
    Meet The Pun Family
    Meet The Acceptance Family
    Meet The Cannibal Family

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