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  • Birds And Bees On Aisle Four
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  • Category: Sons & Daughters

    More Birds Than Bees

    | IN, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (A friend is explaining how she gave her oldest son ‘the talk.’ She believes in being upfront, but not pushing it, so she answers her son’s questions as he asks them. He’s about five, and is wondering because she’s pregnant.)

    Son: So, when you have a baby is it hard for the baby to get out of the shell because it doesn’t have a beak? And doesn’t the egg hurt coming out of you?

    Keep Your Pants On About Church

    | Japan | Friends, Sons & Daughters

    (My friend’s family has recently been stationed in Japan. She’s trying to get her five kids, aged eight and younger, ready for church when her second son comes downstairs.)

    Friend: “[Son], why are you wearing a sweatshirt? It’s going to be really warm today and you’ll get hot.”

    Son: “I know. That’s why I’m not wearing any pants.”

    A Little Mermaid With A Lot Of Love

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (My dentist and I are both obsessed with Disney, so whenever I go in for an appointment, that’s usually our main topic of conversation. One day, while I’m in, she tells me that she showed her easily frightened four-year-old daughter ‘The Little Mermaid’ for the first time. Her daughter freaks out over Ursula, but outside of that, she enjoyed the movie. They put her to bed afterwards, but she wakes up crying about half an hour later.)

    Dentist: “Sweetie! What’s wrong? Did you have a scary dream about the mean squid-lady?”

    Daughter: “No! It’s the prince! Ariel’s prince, Prince Eric! I just love him SO much!”

    A Royal Pardon

    | Halifax, VA, USA | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (My husband and I are at home with our four-year-old son. He grabs a roll of duct tape and places it on the top of his head.)

    Son: “I’m a princess! I’m a QUEEN!”

    Husband: “No, buddy, you’re a KING!”

    Me: “Hey, don’t tell him he can’t be a queen!”

    Husband: *matter-of-factly* “But men are kings and women are queens. That’s just the way it works.”

    Me: “I don’t know; I know plenty of men who are queens…”

    Husband: *starts to say something, then just shakes his head and laughs*

    Boys Are Dummies

    | GA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I am five years old and have spent only a few days in kindergarten. My mom is very strict about using strong words when I am that age. The following happens after we get home.)

    Me: “Mama, mama! I saw a bad word on the restroom wall today! I saw the D-word!”

    (Mom blanches and assumes the worst. She then proceeds to tell me about the anatomical differences between boys and girls, as well as how babies are made and how they are born.)

    Mom: *very calmly* “Do you understand, sweetheart?”

    Me: *nodding* “Yes!”

    Mom: “Now, what was the word you saw written on the restroom wall?”

    (I’m not allowed to say bad words at all, so I’m eager to say it.)

    Me: *shouting* “DUMMY!”

    Recycling The Rules

    | Portland, OR, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (My dad and I are having an argument.)

    Me: “That’s so unfair! I hate you!”

    Dad: “My house, my rules. As long as you’re living here, you will do as I say. If you don’t like it, you can leave.”

    Me: “How could you say such a thing to your own child? How can you call yourself a father?”

    Dad: “If you don’t like that I’m your father, then go ahead and leave. I won’t stop you.”

    Me: “Do you even care? When you were a kid, did Grandpa ever say the same thing to you?”

    Dad: “Yes, he did, actually. As long as you live under my roof, you follow my rules. It’s that simple.”

    (Fast forward a few decades later…)

    My Son: “Come on, Dad! My friends’ parents let them stay out late!”

    Me: “Well, I’m not your friends’ parent. You’ll be home by 7:30, or you’ll be without a home, young man.”

    My Son: “What is that supposed to mean!?”

    Me: “This is my house. At my house, we follow my rules. If you disagree with these rules, then you can go ahead and live with your friends that you love so much more.”

    My Son: “You’re unbelievable! Did Grandpa ever tell you to get out when you were a kid?”

    Me: “Actually, he did. And before you ask, your great-grandfather told him the same thing when he was your age.”

    (My son did smarten up as he got older. Sometimes I wonder about what will happen when he becomes a father.)

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