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    Category: Sons & Daughters

    In England No One Can Hear You Scream, Part 2

    | Jerusalem, Israel | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (This is a follow-up to this story. My daughter, now four, is talking with me about things that have and do not have wings.)

    Me: “Oh, and a pegasus has four legs and wings.”

    Daughter: “What’s a pegasus?”

    Me: “It’s like a horse with wings.”

    Wife: “There’s a pegasus on a poster in her room you can show her.”

    (I take my daughter to her room and point out the pegasus.)

    Me: “See? It has four legs, but it also has wings. But pegasuses aren’t real.”

    Wife: *calling out from the other room* “They have them in England!”

    In England, No One Can Hear You Scream

    You’re Not His Allspark

    | Nottingham, England, UK | Sons & Daughters

    (I am lying on my bed reading when my five-year-old son, who has been tucked in all of five minutes, cracks my door open, and a stuffed shark appears.)

    Me: “Yes?”

    Son: “I can’t stop thinking about you. I really like you.”

    Me: “Really, baby? Come and have a huggle with mummy.” *he snuggles in, shark and all* “What do you like about mummy, then?”

    Son: “When you play with me and hug me and make me laugh when I hurt myself.”

    Me: “That’s lovely, baby, but I do all that because I’m your mummy and I love you more than anything.”

    Son: “What, even more than Transformers? I don’t love anything more than Transformers.”

    Me: “…”

    The Mystery Molecule

    | Fresno, CA, USA | Sons & Daughters, Teenagers

    (As my (too smart for his own good) 18-year-old son comes in to say good night, I ask him about his new shirt. It is from his AP chemistry class. All I can understand is ‘Go (molecule symbol). We’re all winners here.’ I couldn’t figure out what the chemical symbols meant. He got a big grin as he was explaining it.)

    Son: “The molecule symbols are for ‘Nads.’ So it says Gonads. We’re all winners here.”

    Me: “Really, how did you get away with that?”

    Son: “We were trying to figure out what we could slide by the administrations & be approved. We knew they wouldn’t understand it.”

    Me: “What did the teacher say?”

    Son: “She was in on it & thought it was funny!”

    (My husband and I look at him in disbelief.)

    Me: “Who’s idea was it?”

    Son: “Mine!”

    Husband: *shaking his head side to side* “I thought we raised you better than that.”

    Son: “Apparently not.”

    Holding A Grudge For All Future Siblings

    | FL, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (One night I’m giving my four-year-old daughter a bath and this conversation takes place.)

    Daughter: *with a very serious tone* “Mami, you will never have any other kids.”

    Me: “Oh, really? Why do you say that?”

    Daughter: “Because you already have a baby, and that’s me. And that’s not the way the world works. It will always be just me.”

    (She then looked at me with the most serious yet empty stare I’ve ever seen on her and continued playing with her bath toys. She actually reminded me of the little boy in ‘The Grudge’ movie.)

    Instruction Destruction

    | GA, USA | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    Husband: “Okay, what I need you guys to do is—”

    Son: “Shoot the cat?”

    Me: “Shock the monkey?”


    Husband: *gives up and goes outside*

    It’s Not A Running Secret

    | Marlborough, MA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (I am four years old, and my mother has bought running shoes for my father for his birthday.)

    Mother: “Now remember, don’t tell Daddy about the running shoes.”

    Me: “Okay!”

    (I immediately run into the living room, look at my father and say…)

    Me: “Don’t tell Daddy about the running shoes!”

    (28 years later and I am still not allowed to forget it.)

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