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    Category: Sons & Daughters

    You’ll Get Sick Of That Song Soon

    | CO, USA | Children, Friends, Sons & Daughters

    (My friend is working the welcome table at church. My 13-year-old son is sitting nearby. A woman walks in.)

    Friend: “Hi, welcome to [Church]. Is this your first time?”

    Woman: “Yes, it is.”

    Friend: “Well, welcome, then. Let me show you where we meet.”

    Son: *in full-on opera voice* “Eeeeee Boooooh Laaaaa. Eeeeee Boooooh Laaaaa!”

    Woman: “Uh…”

    Friend: “Oh, um… they must have talked about Ebola in Sunday School this morning.”

    Woman: “Wow, he has a really good singing voice.”

    Friend: “Umm… yes, he does. And quite loud. Here is where we meet for worship.”

    Son: “Eeeee Booooh Laaaaaaa!”

    You’re In Real Hot Sauce Now

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (I am 15. I work at a day care and one evening have been employed to babysit two young children. Their mother leaves me specific instructions including ‘If they won’t go to bed put a drop of hot sauce on their tongue.’ I didn’t like that at all but wanted to adhere to the parental practices. When bedtime rolled around the hellions were being ridiculous so out came the hot sauce. After I applied the drops the phone rang and I went downstairs.)

    Me: “[Family] residence. [My Name] speaking.”

    Caller: “Where is [Mother]?”

    Me: “They’re out for the night. Can I take a message?”

    (Cue a war cry from upstairs followed by a crash.)

    Caller: “What was that?”

    Me: “I have to go. They’ll be back later!”

    (I went to the living room where there was a smashed hot sauce bottle and a huge streak of red across the white carpet, white wall, and quilt hanging on the wall.)

    Me: “Aaaaaaaaahhhh!”

    Boys: *terror faces*

    Me: “GET. IN. YOUR. ROOOOM!”

    Me: *calling my mother* “Mom! You have to help!” *explained the situation* “And I have no idea what to do! Can you… Can you bring the carpet cleaner?”

    (So, my amazing parents bring over our carpet steamer and clean the carpet while I scrub  the walls. There is nothing, however, I can do about the quilt. My mother also helps me get the boys to bed because I am freaking out. They leave before the boys’ parents get home. When they do they immediately see the red on the quilt.)

    Boys’ Dad: “What is that?”

    Me: “Hot sauce. They threw it from the upstairs landing.”

    Boys’ Dad: “Why was there hot sauce upstairs?”

    Boys’ Mom: “It was a threat…”

    (He didn’t seem like he knew about that and wasn’t thrilled with it. The mom drove me home in the most awkward car ride of my life. My boss at the day care told me not to agree to babysit if they asked again. They did not. What I learned? If you’re uncomfortable with something, don’t do it.)

    In England No One Can Hear You Scream, Part 2

    | Jerusalem, Israel | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (This is a follow-up to this story. My daughter, now four, is talking with me about things that have and do not have wings.)

    Me: “Oh, and a pegasus has four legs and wings.”

    Daughter: “What’s a pegasus?”

    Me: “It’s like a horse with wings.”

    Wife: “There’s a pegasus on a poster in her room you can show her.”

    (I take my daughter to her room and point out the pegasus.)

    Me: “See? It has four legs, but it also has wings. But pegasuses aren’t real.”

    Wife: *calling out from the other room* “They have them in England!”

    In England, No One Can Hear You Scream

    You’re Not His Allspark

    | Nottingham, England, UK | Sons & Daughters

    (I am lying on my bed reading when my five-year-old son, who has been tucked in all of five minutes, cracks my door open, and a stuffed shark appears.)

    Me: “Yes?”

    Son: “I can’t stop thinking about you. I really like you.”

    Me: “Really, baby? Come and have a huggle with mummy.” *he snuggles in, shark and all* “What do you like about mummy, then?”

    Son: “When you play with me and hug me and make me laugh when I hurt myself.”

    Me: “That’s lovely, baby, but I do all that because I’m your mummy and I love you more than anything.”

    Son: “What, even more than Transformers? I don’t love anything more than Transformers.”

    Me: “…”

    The Mystery Molecule

    | Fresno, CA, USA | Sons & Daughters, Teenagers

    (As my (too smart for his own good) 18-year-old son comes in to say good night, I ask him about his new shirt. It is from his AP chemistry class. All I can understand is ‘Go (molecule symbol). We’re all winners here.’ I couldn’t figure out what the chemical symbols meant. He got a big grin as he was explaining it.)

    Son: “The molecule symbols are for ‘Nads.’ So it says Gonads. We’re all winners here.”

    Me: “Really, how did you get away with that?”

    Son: “We were trying to figure out what we could slide by the administrations & be approved. We knew they wouldn’t understand it.”

    Me: “What did the teacher say?”

    Son: “She was in on it & thought it was funny!”

    (My husband and I look at him in disbelief.)

    Me: “Who’s idea was it?”

    Son: “Mine!”

    Husband: *shaking his head side to side* “I thought we raised you better than that.”

    Son: “Apparently not.”

    Holding A Grudge For All Future Siblings

    | FL, USA | Sons & Daughters

    (One night I’m giving my four-year-old daughter a bath and this conversation takes place.)

    Daughter: *with a very serious tone* “Mami, you will never have any other kids.”

    Me: “Oh, really? Why do you say that?”

    Daughter: “Because you already have a baby, and that’s me. And that’s not the way the world works. It will always be just me.”

    (She then looked at me with the most serious yet empty stare I’ve ever seen on her and continued playing with her bath toys. She actually reminded me of the little boy in ‘The Grudge’ movie.)

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