(My family is sitting down to dinner.)

Brother: “I don’t like salmon.”

Second Brother: “Me neither.”

Dad: “What? What kind of weirdoes are you?”

Me: “It tastes better if you dip it in ketchup.”

Mom: “Question asked, question answered.”

(I’m chatting with my sister, who is in high school, while I’m away at college. She is a huge One Direction fan, while I can’t stand their music. She has been confessing insecurities to me lately, and I’ve been trying to convince her she has nothing to worry about.)

Sister: “I just… I feel so depressed about this.”

Me: “You know what, I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice.”

Sister: “What?!”

Me: “You’re insecure…”

Sister: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “I don’t know what for…”

Sister: “Huh?”

Me: “Seriously, you turn heads when you walk through the door.”

Sister: “No, I don’t.”

Me: “You honestly don’t need any makeup to cover up.”

Sister: “Wait…”

Me: “Being the way that you are is totally enough.”

Sister: “Oh my God, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!”

(My family and I are in the middle of a full day car trip. I’m 13, and my sister is 11. She is in charge of the snacks. After carefully choosing the largest cinnamon roll, she hands the bag over to me.)

Sister: “Here, take the bag so you can choose the second biggest one.”

Me: “Nah, just give me one.”

Sister: *gasps* “[My name]! You’ve become a grown-up!”

(My sister is the maid of honor at my wedding. She has recently graduated with a degree in public health education, and is considering going on for a master’s in epidemiology. She is giving her toast at the reception.)

Sister: “The two of you together just ooze happiness. And, like many things that ooze, that happiness is infectious!”

(She apologized afterward, but my husband and I both thought that was the best part of the whole speech!)

(My sister has decided to come out to our mother, no matter what. She unfortunately chooses a day when my mum is running late for work.)

Sister: “Mum?”

Mum: “What?”

Sister: “I’ve got something really important to tell you.”

Mum: *freezes* “Oh, God…”

Sister: “I’m gay.”

Mum: “Are you joking?!”

Sister: “Um, no…”

Mum: “You’re telling me at quarter to eight in the morning?!”

Sister: “Um… yes?”

Mum: “I don’t have time for this! I need to have a shower!”

(Our mum runs out of the kitchen and upstairs to the bathroom. We both hear mum laughing in the shower. She walks out a few minutes later, and pops into my room.)

Mum: “Thank God! I thought she was going to tell me she was pregnant!”

Me: “No chance of that!”