(I’m at home with my younger daughter, and helping her with online school lessons. She is an active child, constantly moving, and today is no different. I am exasperated.)

Me: “[Older daughter’s name), what are we going to do with your sister?”

Older Daughter: “Keep her!”

(My younger daughter is now trying to climb in my shirt.)

Me: “What if I don’t want to?”

Older Daughter: “Spare kidneys!”

(I accidentally answer a phone call from my brother instead of silencing it, while in the middle of making love to my girlfriend, who I haven’t told the family about. I brace myself for embarrassment when I talk to him next.)

Brother: “Did I really hear you—”

Me: “Yes.”

Brother: “With a girl?”

Me: *surprised* “Yes.”

Brother: “Sweet! [Mutual friend] owes me ten bucks.”

Me: “You bet I had a girlfriend?”

Brother: “No, he bet you were gay.”

(There is an awkward pause.)

Me: “Give him five back.”

(My family is scattered around the house at a dinner party, which we will have to leave soon. My brother is sitting in the living room, and my parents are outside. You can enter and exit the living room both from a patio door, and a route around the side of the house.)

Mom: “Go tell your brother we need to leave.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I walk over to the patio door, and call to my brother.)

Me: “We have to go!”

Brother: “I’ll believe you when our parents say so.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I tell my mother what he said, and she sends my dad around the side of the house to get him. I return to my brother.)

Me: “Dad will be coming into the room in 20 seconds.”

Brother: “Yeah, right.”

(I see my dad stop at the dessert table first.)

Me: “And he will be bringing…” *closes eyes and hums* “…brownies. Definitely bringing brownies.”

Brother: “Pssht.”

(Dad walks into the living room, holding a brownie.)

Brother: “WHAT?!”

Me: “I know…” *widens eyes* “…EVERYTHING.”

(My brother has a fear of being ill. This is unfortunate, because as part of treatment for a stomach condition, I have to take immunosuppressants. As a result, I get ill a lot. I currently have shingles, and my brother is griping to my mum about it.)

Brother: “If I get ill, I won’t be best pleased.”

Mum: “It’s not like your sister will give it to you on purpose.”

Brother: “Well, she can be spiteful at times…”

(I’m in the basement. I’m working on a large scale project, and can’t leave the work unattended.)

Me: “Hey, sis. Can you run to my room and grab the extra pair of craft scissors?”

Sister: “Uh…”

(She is EXTREMELY reluctant, because my room is completely covered in various works in progress. There is basically no floor to walk on.)

Sister: “How am I even supposed to find anything in you room?”

Me: “It’s organized chaos! The scissors are on the floor by the foot of my desk.”

Sister: “Okay…”

(She reluctantly leaves to get my scissors. Almost 10 minutes later I realize she’s been gone for a long time. Fearing she might’ve actually tripped and hurt herself in my clutter, I run up from the basement and shout upstairs.)

Me: “ARE YOU OKAY UP THERE?”

Sister: “SOMEBODY HELP ME! I’M LOST!”

(I start laughing.)

Sister: “No, seriously! It’s like your room moved! I turned around and there’s NO FLOOR! It won’t let me leave!”

(I guide her out when I’m done laughing.)