(I walk into my kitchen to see my mom brandishing a pair of tongs at my brother.)

Mom: “These are tongs; thongs are something that goes on your butt!”

(I stand there awkwardly until by brother sees me.)

Brother: “She just randomly said that! I don’t know!”

(My sister is home visiting from college, and is playing video games to relax. Suddenly, she hops up.)

Sister: “Oh crap! I have to finish my homework! Can I borrow your laptop for a second?”

Me: “Sure, go ahead.”

Sister: “It’ll literally take two seconds; I only have one question left.”

(My sister signs into the homework website on my laptop.)

Me: *reading* “Assign a name to the chemical using the picture given and the letters A through H.”

Sister: “Ugh, I don’t know this.”

(She smashes the keyboard.)

Sister: “Yeah, that looks right!”

Me: “Umm… You have to use the letters A through H, right?”

Sister: “Yeah?”

Me: “Check what you put.”

Sister: “Oh, God! I put an ‘S’ in there.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Sister: “Thank god I didn’t submit that. I’ll just delete the S; there we go!”

(She submits her homework. I am reading the completion time on her screen.)

Me: “Completion Time… 90 hours?!”

Sister: “Yep! Back to video games!”

(Scarily enough, my sister is passing the class.)

Me: “Dad!”

(There’s no answer.)

Me: *sigh* “Sis, can you get dad for me?”

Sister: “Why do I have to do it? Why can’t YOU do it?”

Me: “Because I’m keeping an eye on this massive spider back here.”

Sister: *bolts to get dad*

(I’m at home with my younger daughter, and helping her with online school lessons. She is an active child, constantly moving, and today is no different. I am exasperated.)

Me: “[Older daughter’s name), what are we going to do with your sister?”

Older Daughter: “Keep her!”

(My younger daughter is now trying to climb in my shirt.)

Me: “What if I don’t want to?”

Older Daughter: “Spare kidneys!”

(I accidentally answer a phone call from my brother instead of silencing it, while in the middle of making love to my girlfriend, who I haven’t told the family about. I brace myself for embarrassment when I talk to him next.)

Brother: “Did I really hear you—”

Me: “Yes.”

Brother: “With a girl?”

Me: *surprised* “Yes.”

Brother: “Sweet! [Mutual friend] owes me ten bucks.”

Me: “You bet I had a girlfriend?”

Brother: “No, he bet you were gay.”

(There is an awkward pause.)

Me: “Give him five back.”