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    Category: Siblings

    Can’t Stomach Her Bedside Manner

    | ME, USA | Siblings

    (My sister, with whom I have a very playful and teasing relationship, is a doctor of osteopathy. I’d been having stomach pains for about a week, so I call her and tell her about it.)

    Me: “I don’t know. My stomach just really hurts lately. I can’t even move enough to sit down without it killing me.”

    Sister: “It’s probably just cramps.”

    Me: “It’s definitely not cramps because moving just makes it worse.”

    Sister: “Well, then it’s appendicitis.”

    Me: “This has been going on for a week. Wouldn’t I be dead by now if it was?”

    Sister: “I don’t know. Probably.”

    Me: “Yeah, ’cause that’s real comforting. Any other ideas, Dr. I-Don’t-Know?”

    Sister: “Yeah: take some ibuprofen and suck it up, wimp.”

    Me: *sarcastically* “Golly, doc, your bedside manner sure is the tops. I feel so safe and cared for. You’re so compassionate.”

    Sister: “Also loving. I’m all about love and compassion. Now, suck it up, you f****** baby.”

    A Slap With The Age Gap

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My mother happens to pass by the desk where I’m doing homework and sees a glass half full of water on it.)

    Mom: “WHAT IS THAT DOING THERE!? That glass could spill and cause damage to the table! Get it off RIGHT NOW! I can’t believe you’d be stupid and lazy enough to put it there.”

    Me: “I didn’t put it there. [Younger Sister] was using it and left it there last night when I was doing homework.”

    Mom: “Well, it wasn’t her fault since she’s so little. You’re older so should have stopped her. How could you do this!?”

    Me: “My sister’s 14 and I’m 16. And I had headphones in and was staring at a computer screen, so how was I to know?”

    Mom: “It’s still your fault.”

    (This kind of thing happens on a daily basis.)

    Love Can Be Sickening

    | Australia | Siblings

    (My sister and I downright hated each other as kids, but in the years since I’ve moved very far away, we’ve started talking more. One I was having an emotional crisis and she offered a listening ear. This happens as the conversation is drawing to a close.)

    Sister: “Look, you know what you need to do. I’m sorry I have to go now, but I love you.”

    Me: “Blergh!”

    Sister: *laughs* “Bye bye!”

    (About an hour later, I’ve resolved a few things and I call her back to tell her.)

    Sister: “Hello?”

    Me: “I have news, but first of all… this is really hard for me, but… I love you, too. Egh! Yuck! I’m never saying that again.”

    Sister: *giggles* “Okay, what’s the news?”

    Go With Definition Number Two

    | TN, USA | Siblings

    (My 18-year-old brother and I are at home one evening when we have one of our odd, random conversations.)

    Brother: “Hey, sis, what does ‘endure’ mean? Does it mean to tough something out?”

    Me: “Not exactly. It’s more like having to bear something.”

    Brother: “Okay, for example, I have to poop. Does that mean I’m enduring my poop?”

    Me: “Not exactly. You’re withholding your poop. It would be more accurate to say that you are enduring the sensation of having to poop.”

    Brother: “Cool… I’ll be right back.”

    (Then he ran off to the bathroom.)

    The ‘Squee’ing Dead

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I’m watching the newest episode of a popular zombie-themed television show with my mom and sister. After several episodes of separation, the fan-preferred couple are finally reunited again and hug each other.)

    Me: “Woah! Did you hear that?”

    Mom: “Hear what?”

    Me: Oh, you can’t tell me you didn’t hear that! I think everyone around the world just heard that!”

    Sister: “Oh! I think I heard it! It was like a high pitched ‘squeeee,’ right?”

    Me: “Fangirls all over the world just squee’d all at the same time!”

    (Suddenly there’s a pop in the street from some kids playing with firecrackers.)

    Mom: “Well, I didn’t hear the squee, but it sounds like someone’s ovaries are exploding.”

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