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    Category: Parents & Guardians

    Dad Of The Dead

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings, Zombies

    (My teenage sister and I are in the mall when the zombie apocalypse starts. We have found a safe spot, and are frantically calling our dad to come and pick us up.)

    Sister: “Dad, please! You have to come and get us at the mall!”

    Dad: “It’s always the same with you and your sister! It’s always ‘I want this’ and ‘I need this.’”

    Sister: “But dad! It’s the zombie apocalypse!”

    Dad: “Bah! Excuses! In my day we walked!”

    (I suddenly have an idea, and grab the phone.)

    Me: “Dad, before we went out, [Sister] stole $20 from your wallet.”

    Dad: “What?!”

    Me: “Yeah, and she used it to buy a tiny bikini.”

    Dad: “WHAT?!”

    Me: “Also, I forged my report card. I didn’t get all A’s this semester; in fact I failed some of my classes.”

    Dad: “You two are sooooo grounded! You’re not allowed to have any more fun today!”

    Me: “But we were about to go to the beach to test out our new innapropriate swimwear.”

    Dad: “You will most certainly not! You’re at the mall? Wait there and don’t you dare move! I’m coming to get you!” *click*

    Sister: “None of those things are true!”

    Me: “Yes, but now he’s coming to get us.”

    Sister: “But now we’re grounded!”

    (Just then, we hear a zombie horde crash through the glass in another part of the mall.)

    Me: “Planning on going outside any time soon?”

    Sister: “Fair point…”

    More Truth Than She’ll Ever Know

    | Pueblo, CO, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am around 12 years old when my dad, in one of his normal drunken stupors, decides it is a good time to tell me about ‘the birds and the bees.’ Note: I am female.)

    Dad: “So, how are ya? Listening real close? This is prolly the most important thing I have ever tole ya. It’s ’bout the birds and the bees.” *there is a long pause where he gets a real solemn look on his face* “The birds’ll s*** on ya and the bees’ll sting… Now go outside and play!”

    Wish You Could Give Him The Other Finger

    | OH, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (For the past few days, I’ve been trying to get a hold of the hospital referral office to see why I have not been given anything about my referral two weeks after activating it. I finally get a representative on the phone when my dad walks in. He tries to talk to me, but I hold up a finger, which is my sign to ask for quiet since he is talking when the representative is.)

    Me: *hangs up*

    Dad: “You don’t give me the finger.”

    Me: “Dad, you were talking while the representative was.”

    Dad: “I don’t care; you don’t give me a finger to be quiet.”

    Me: “Dad, I can’t listen to two conversations at the same time.”

    Dad: “Because I was telling you not to let her hang up.”

    Me: “And I didn’t. Remember, I told her to hold on when I asked you what you wanted me to ask.”

    Dad: “Yes, you did, but you shouldn’t have given me the finger!”

    A Forgetful Feeder

    | Australia | Friends, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I’ve been best friends with the same girl for most of our lives so we’re both pretty comfortable with each other’s families. I’ve gone over to her house to drop off a present for her younger sister who got an incredible mark in her HSC. As the three of us are watching TV their mum sits down to talk with us.)

    Their Mum: “Were you having dinner here?”

    Me: “Oh no, I’ll be going home. My grandparents are visiting.”

    Their Mum: “What about you, [Best Friend]? Are you staying for dinner?”

    Friend: “No, mum, I’m having dinner with friends.

    Their Mum: “Oh, is [My Name] going, too?”

    Friend’s Sister: “No, mum, she just said she was having dinner at home.”

    Their Mum: “Oh, okay.”

    (A bit of time goes past and my friend and I are talking about leaving.)

    Their Mum: “Oh, [Best Friend], do you want to eat before you go?”

    Friend: “No, mum, I just said I was going out for dinner.”

    Their Mum: “Okay, but what about your friend?”

    Friend’s Sister: “No, mum, she’s going home for dinner.”

    (A little more time passes and it’s getting around dinner time. My friend and I are getting up to leave.)

    Their Mum: “[Best Friend], so you’re not having dinner?”

    Friend: “No, mum. I’m having dinner with my friends.”

    Their Mum: “Yeah, okay, but [My Name], you’re staying?”

    Friend’s Sister: *after a slight pause* “No, mum… I think she’s going to leave with [Best Friend].”

    Their Mum: “Okay, but do you want something to eat before you go?”

    No Cur For This Trauma

    | NY, USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

    (I walk into my room to find my stuffed dog on my pillow, ‘holding’ a book.)

    Me: “Mom, why is my dog reading a book?”

    Mom: “I just wanted to make you laugh!”

    Me: “You turned it to the part about shooting a mad dog and gave it to my dog! She’s traumatized!”

    Mom: *laughing uncontrollably* “It was honestly an accident! I swear!”

    Me: “Traumatized, Mom!”

    Mom’s Dragon-Ballin’

    | USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My brother and I are watching an anime on TV. The main character has an extremely wild, crazy hairstyle.)

    Mom: *frowns at the TV* “What’re you two watching?! Cartoons? Who is that?”

    Brother: *starts explaining* “He fights evil—”

    Mom: *cuts him off* “—Instead of fighting, he needs to brush his hair!” *runs off*

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