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    Category: Parents & Guardians

    Devouring The Language

    | USA | Parents & Guardians

    (During a long car trip my mom lets me plug in my mp3 player so we can listen to my music for a change. We’re listening to a song by a popular German metal band. My mom doesn’t understand a word of German.)

    Mom: “I wish I could understand what this song is about.”

    Me: “It’s a true story about a cannibal that puts out an ad asking for someone that he can dismember and eat.”

    Mom: “I wish I could go back to not understanding what this song is about.”

    Not Quite A Cherry-Picked Suitor

    | OH, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Parents & Guardians

    (My aunt and uncle have a cherry tree in their back yard. My mother and I are visiting them for a cookout. I randomly start hugging the tree.)

    Uncle: “Dearly beloved, we are gathered for no real reason to join this woman and this tree in holy matrimony. If anyone objects to this union, please speak now or forever shut your d*** pie-hole.”

    Mother: “The only question is, who gets whose cherry?”

    No Longer Just The Cat Sitting On The Mat

    | Australia | Parents & Guardians

    (I am in my final year of high school and am studying for upcoming exams.)

    Dad: “What subject are you studying?”

    Me: “English.”

    Dad: “Maybe I can help! What bit of English is it?”

    Me: “A cross comparison of a 1990s’ play about a woman with ovarian cancer and seventeenth century metaphysical poetry.”

    Dad: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

    A Catalog Of Errors

    | Norway | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My father, half-brother and I are visiting my paternal grandparents. My grandmother knows my mom doesn’t have a lot of money to spare, so she often hands me mail order catalogs to look for clothes in, which she’ll sometimes order. My brother, being five years younger than me, wants to do everything his older sister does.)

    Brother: “Hey, are you done? I want to read, too.”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I hand him the catalog and pick up another one. After a while, my brother looks at me.)

    Brother: “Hey, big sis, what are these?”

    (He shows me the page he’s on. Half of it has pictures of different sex toys, along with short descriptions.)

    Me: *thinking quickly* “Ask Dad.”

    Brother: “Dad, what are these?”

    (Our dad, being open about this stuff, launches into a correct, but child appropriate, explanation. My brother listens, occasionally looking at the page. Our grandmother listens in horror.)

    Grandmother: “I did not realize [Company] put these things in their catalogs!”

    Me: “I think they have for a while? I’ve noticed before, but I haven’t thought about it.”

    Brother: *is silent for a moment after our dad’s explanation, then reads out loud* “Rotating and vibrating…”

    (My father, grandfather, and I broke into laughter, while my grandmother looked even more horrified.)

    Thinking Where The Sun Don’t Shine

    | NY, USA | Parents & Guardians

    Me: “I love springtime! It’s always so happy, even when it’s cloudy. Why?”

    Dad: “Because the sun is still shining behind the clouds. In winter, when it’s cloudy, the sun stops shining.”

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