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    Category: Parents & Guardians

    The Starch Truth

    | Pocano Mountains, PA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (We’re on vacation one summer with our mom, who is a professional chef and therefore takes cooking seriously. The hotel room comes with a full kitchen, so we’re deciding what to make for dinner.)

    Me: “Okay, so I’m making chicken fettuccine. What should I make to go with that?”

    Sister: “I want a baked potato!”

    Me: “Ooh, that sounds good! All right, so I’m making chicken fettuccine with baked potatoes.”

    Mom: “You can’t do that! They’re both starches!”

    Me: “So?”

    Mom: “So you can’t have two starches together in a meal!”

    Sister: “But I want a baked potato…”

    Me: “Yeah, mom. I don’t think anyone cares up here if we eat two starches.”

    Mom: “But you can’t have two starches! You have to have something else, like a vegetable!”

    Me: “Mom, I really don’t think the culinary police are going to drive all the way up to the mountains to fine us for having two starches with our meal. We’re on vacation, so I say if [Sister] and I want baked potatoes with our pasta, then d*** it, we’re going to have baked potatoes with our pasta!”

    (In the end she relented. Because my sister and I are jerks, we decided to also add French fries as a side just to annoy her. Our youngest sister left a ‘ticket’ on my mom’s pillow for having more than one starch at dinner, signed ‘The Culinary Police.’)

    On The Scent Of The Latest Technology

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I’ve shown my completely technophobic mother a picture on my laptop. Since all technology is kept in my room, she doesn’t get to experience everything that comes with along said technology. As I’m leaving to go back to my room, she breathes heavily, like she’s smelled something bad.)

    Mom: “Ew! It smells like technology!”

    Me: *completely taken aback* “Wait, what…? Like… plastic?”

    Mom: “No! It smells like… technology! I don’t know. You’re always on the computer. Maybe you just can’t smell it.”

    Me: “Uh…” *I head back to my room*

    Mom: “Ick! I can still smell it! Pew! Pew, pew, pew!”

    Me: *can’t resist* “LASERS!”

    Mom: “What?”

    Me: “LASERS!”

    Mom: “In English?”

    Me: “La-sers. You said ‘pewpewpew.’”

    Mom: “Is that some Internet lingo?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    (Sadly, she says this a lot, and never remembers it. )

    Mountainous Portions

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (My mom is a vegetarian, so I was raised without meat in the household. My dad’s family is a very ‘meat-and-potatoes’ sort, so most of the times I visited they would make a roast beef dinner. I also have a very particular way of setting up my plate; a pile of mashed potatoes, hollowed out, filled with peas, and then with gravy poured over. I am about seven at the time.)

    Me: “YAAAY! Volcano!” *pouring gravy into potatoes until it overflows onto the beef*

    Dad: *laughing* “You really like roast beef dinners, don’t you?”

    Me: “Yep! I’m a beef vegetarian!”

    (To this day, my grandmother still brings up the ‘beef vegetarian’ line.)

    A Shot Of The Truth

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (I am a fairly quiet kid, and can seem very random if you don’t know my train of thought. This stretches back to when I was very small, and my family is fond of repeating a conversation I had with my mother when I was four years old.)

    Me: “Mommy, will Clifford The Big Red Dog ever die?”

    Mom: “No, honey! Of course he won’t!”

    Me: “He would if you shot him.”

    Cheating At The Game Of Thrones

    | IN, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (My sister and I are avid fans of ‘Game of Thrones’ and are in various stages of reading the books, as well. I’ve finished all of them and she’s almost done with the third book. Our dad has just finished the first book, but doesn’t watch the show. We’re discussing both the books and the show at lunch, and avoiding spoilers is tricky.)

    Dad: “So who’s still alive by book four?”

    Sister: “Well…”

    Dad: “I mean, I know [Character #1] and [Character #2] both die before then, but I was wondering who else does.”

    Sister: “Uh… why?”

    Me: “And how do you know that?”

    Dad: “I saw a news story on my homepage about it when it happened on the show.”

    Sister and Me: “…”

    Dad: “And I saw that [Character #3] died last week. And what’s up with [Character #4]‘s hand?”

    Me: “Everything you just said are probably the biggest spoilers of the entire series so far. Why are you ruining it for yourself?”

    Dad: “I just want to know where the characters end up…”

    Sister and Me: “That’s why you READ THE BOOKS!”


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