(I am having dinner with my mother. My boyfriend’s name starts with the letter D, and my mom loves to be clever.)

Mom: “When are you hanging out with ‘The Big D’ next?”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “Your boyfriend?”

Me: “Don’t call him that!”

Mom: “Why not? I know what it means!”

(I walk into my kitchen to see my mom brandishing a pair of tongs at my brother.)

Mom: “These are tongs; thongs are something that goes on your butt!”

(I stand there awkwardly until by brother sees me.)

Brother: “She just randomly said that! I don’t know!”

(I am in college but still live at home. I am writing a psychology paper about homelessness.)

Me: “Save me!”

Dad: “From what?”

Me: “Homelessness!”

Dad: “I thought that is what we were already doing.”

Related:
Putting The Rent In Parent

(My three-year-old brother is out shopping with my mum. They have just approached the ‘feminine hygiene’ aisle of the store.)

Brother: *at the top of his voice* “Look, mum! There are those smokes that you stick up your bum!”

(Mother turns beet red with embarrassment, and runs down the rest of the aisle.)

(I have just gotten into anime and manga.)

Me: “I’ve been reading manga, dad. It’s really interesting.”

Dad: “Isn’t that for people who can’t read that well?”

Me: “Actually, you have to be able to read pretty well to follow it.”

(He has the assumption that all manga is about ‘demons and ritual sacrifice’. I’m trying to describe the manga I’ve been reading.)

Me: “So, it’s about two brothers—”

Dad: “Ah ha! And I’ll bet one sacrifices the other!”

Me: “—and they’re trying to bring back their mother through alchemy—”

Dad: “Ah ha! Alchemy! And one sacrifices the other for the mother?”

Me: “No, dad. Anyway, it goes wrong, and one loses his leg while the other loses his body—”

Dad: “See? Sacrifice!”

Me: “—so the remaining brother sacrifices his arm to attach his brother’s soul to some armor—”

Dad: “See? Sacrifice and alchemy!”

(I stop trying to explain.)