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    Category: Parents & Guardians

    A Merging Of Humors

    | Centreville, VA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My mother was raised in both an Italian and Irish Catholic household, so she is very sensitive when it comes to her kids (including me, her oldest) using foul language. We are just coming back from my learner’s permit test, which I passed. Since I missed a few questions, though, she is currently quizzing me as we drive back home.)

    Mother: *after numerous questions about signs, signals, etc. notices that we need to merge into a lane* “So, [My Name], what do you do when you need to yield to another car at a merge?”

    Me: *not realizing what I’m saying until I say it* “Well, you’re supposed to let them in by slowing down, but if you’re an a**hole, you just drive right past and cut them off.”

    (Luckily, my mother thought that what I said was hysterical, so I dodged a bullet on that one.)

    When Texts Have Very Sharp Timing

    | London, England, UK | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Parents & Guardians

    (I moved into a flat-share due to fighting with my boyfriend, but we are attempting to resolve the issues. After I move out he buys a new bread knife. One morning I find these two messages on my phone:)

    Dad: “Haven’t heard from you in a while. Hope neither of you are in prison for murder.”

    Boyfriend: “I love this knife!”

    Pause For No Thought

    | Carlsbad, CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

    (My father and step-mother have just gotten back from a stroll. My step-mother goes into the bathroom as a TV show is starting. Note that we can pause and rewind shows.)

    Dad: *calling out* “Should I rewind it?”

    (No response.)

    Dad: “How do you stop this thing?”

    Me: “Did you try hitting “pause”?”

    Dad: “No, I don’t wanna try to get clever. I’ll just wait for [Step-Mother] to get back.”

    Me: “…”

    (I’m not sure what he thought would go wrong just from hitting “pause”…)

    No Longer Fancies That Word

    | Norway | Parents & Guardians

    (Mum has just bought a new lamp for the dining room. I have a tendency to call everything “fancy,” sometimes sarcastically, in lieu of finding other, more accurate descriptions.)

    Me: “Hey, you got a new, fancy lamp, too!”

    Mum: “It’s not new. It’s old-fashioned.”

    Me: “You just bought it; that makes it new. It’s still fancy.”

    Mum: “It’s not “fancy.” It’s old-fashioned!”

    Me: “Mum, “fancy” does not mean new. It just means it looks nice.”

    Mum: “Oh…”

    His Wine Is Pun-gent

    | MI, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (Both my brother and I are in our 20s and currently live at home with our parents. My brother works at a liquor store and frequently brings home new alcohol to try. He is trying to convince me to taste a new wine while my dad is nearby fixing a drink of his own.)

    Brother: “Here, try some of this!” *holds out his cup of wine for me to taste*

    Me: “I don’t know. What kind of wine is it? Is it sweet? Bitter?”

    Dad: “It doesn’t matter; having a little wine is ‘bitter’ than nothing!” *walks off cackling*

    A Different Kind Of House Party

    | Norway | Parents & Guardians

    (My parents and I are eating breakfast, and I’m going to a friend’s house later.)

    Me: “Her parents are leaving for New York today.”

    Dad: “So it’s a home alone party?”

    Me: “Yes; me, [Friend], a bucket of popcorn, and a good movie.”

    Mum: “You’re partying hard, I see.”

    Me: “We always do.”

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