(I’ve called my brother to wish him a happy birthday, then passed the phone to our three-year-old niece.)

Niece: “Hi, uncle [name]! Happy birthday! We’re watching a movie with auntie.”

(There is a pause, and then she points at the TV.)

Niece: “This one.”

(There is another pause, and she slips off the couch and walks right up to the TV.)

Niece: “ THIS ONE!”

(She then grabs the movie case, and holds it over her head.)

Niece: “ THIIIIISSSSS OOONNNNNNEEE!”

Me: “Sweetie, if you can’t see uncle, then he can’t see you.”

(She slowly looks around the room, then speaks calmly.)

Niece: “Oh! We’re watching Muppets.”

(I am visiting with my fiancée’s family. My fiancée’s two-year-old nephew is taking one person at a time by the hand, leading them into his grandmother’s room, playing with them a bit, then coming back out. He’s got a big foam sword he’s carrying around everywhere. Finally it’s my turn.)

Me: “Oh, I get to go see what’s going on in there now?”

Nephew: “Yeah!”

(We go in, but rather than the rampant running around and sword fighting he’s been doing with everyone else, he starts peeking into corners under the bed.)

Me: “Hey, what are you doing there, buddy?”

Nephew: “Kiw da wabbit.”

Me: “Kill the wabbit!? With your speaw and magic hewmet?”

(His face lights up like the fourth of July, and he starts laughing.)

Nephew: “Yeah!”

(He’s being raised on ‘Lord of the Rings’, ‘Conan the Barbarian’ and ‘Legend of Zelda’, and now ‘Looney Tunes’. He’s the nicest, friendliest kid I’ve ever met. He knows not to rough-house with someone who’s ‘unarmed’. I love my new family!)

(I’ve been helping my six-year-old nephew with a craft project.)

Me: “Wow, you’ve got glitter everywhere. You’re all sparkly, like a vampire!”

Nephew: “VAMPIRES DON’T SPARKLE!”

Sister: “Good boy.”

Related:
In The Twilight Of Their Youth, Part 5
In The Twilight Of Their Youth, Part 4
In The Twilight Of Their Youth, Part 3
In The Twilight Of Their Youth, Part 2 (From Not Always Romantic)
In The Twilight Of Their Youth (From Not Always Right)

Nephew: “Mom, can I be Spider-Man?”

Sister: “You sure can!”

(He looks down, and speaks in the saddest voice ever…)

Nephew: “But I haven’t been bitten by a spider yet.”

(I’m visiting my sister while her husband is away. She has two sons, aged two years old, and 12 months. I’m holding the baby while she folds laundry, when the older nephew walks up and touches her leg.)

Nephew: “Ew, Mommy pokey! You shave!”

Me: “Is my Brother-in-law teaching him bad habits already?”

Sister: “Nope, that’s all him!”