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    Category: Nephews & Nieces

    The Walking Dead: The Next Generation, Part 3

    | UK | Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (My nephew is obsessed with zombies right now, and planning for the zombie apocalypse – which is the only topic of conversation when he stays with us one night. I go to work and he stays with my wife and she later tells me all about his plans.)

    Wife: “So he’s got the zombie apocalypse all planned out.”

    Me: “Yeah?”

    Wife: “You and he are going to go out during the day and fight zombies with meat-cleaver guns, and then come home at night where I will be looking after and fortifying the house.”

    Me: “Right. What about his mum and [Three-Year-Old Sister].”

    Wife: “They can come and live with us.”

    Me: “In our little house on the main road? Not in their big house in the middle of nowhere?”

    Wife: “Yes, cause I’m going to fortify this one with stuff we get from the hardware store.”

    Me: “I love this kid.”

    Wife: “What’s a meat-cleaver gun by the way? He said you told him that.”

    Me: “Oh. [Former Housemate] and I saw it in a film and when he asked me what weapon I would use in the zombie apocalypse, that’s what I said.”

    Wife: “A meat-cleaver gun?”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Wife: “You two are too alike.”

    The Walking Dead: The Next Generation, Part 2
    The Walking Dead: The Next Generation

    Hasn’t Got A Head For Profanity

    , | UK | Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (My nephew is five, and has gotten in trouble at school with two other boys for yelling rude words, including ‘d***head,’ through the school gate at a woman passing by. His step-dad goes to pick him up after school and speak to the head teacher, and then drives him home.)

    Nephew: “Is mummy mad?”

    Step-Dad: “A bit, yeah. She’s upset that you were so naughty and used that word.”

    Nephew: “Am I grounded?”

    Step-Dad: “I don’t know. You apologised to the lady and Mrs. [Head Teacher]. You need to say sorry to mummy as well, though.”

    Nephew: “I will.”

    (There’s silence for a little bit, and then:)

    Nephew: “[Step-Dad], what’s a d***head?”

    The Answer Doesn’t Grow On Trees

    | American Fork, UT, USA | Children, Nephews & Nieces, Siblings

    (My sister called me just after I got out of work to ask if I had a ride home. Since I enjoy seeing her, I accepted an offer to drive two miles total from work to my apartment. I get in the car and my four-year-old nephew and almost-two-year-old nephew are in the back seats.)

    Me: “Hi, [Sister]! Hi, boys!”


    Nephew #2: *quietly* “Hi.”

    Sister: “I told him that he had to be nice tonight, since he cried last time.”

    Me: “I understand.”

    Sister: “[Nephew #2], what’s Friday?”

    Nephew #2: “Valentine’s Day.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s fun!”

    Sister: “Are you going to have valentines at school?”

    Nephew #2: “Yeah, but I don’t want to give them to people I don’t like.”

    (I stifle a laugh.)

    Sister: “That’s not a very nice thing to say! Say the nicest thing you can think of!”

    Nephew #2 *after a moment of hesitation* “Tree.”

    Can’t Mask The Truth From Children

    | MI, USA | Children, Nephews & Nieces, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (My fiancé had an extremely abusive relationship before me, one that took her several years of therapy to recover from. Part of her previous partner’s abuse involved breaking her cheek bone and part of her jaw, and while she has had reconstructive surgery, she still has some very heavy scarring and prefers to wear a mask out in public. We are visiting relatives on my side for a family dinner, many of whom have not seen her without the mask. This is an interaction between my five-year-old niece and her.)

    Niece: *to my fiancé* “Why do you always wear that mask?”

    Fiancé: *tenses up* “Because I’m ugly.”

    Niece: “I bet you’re not!”

    Fiancé: “Yes, I am.”

    Niece: “Never! See?”

    (My niece climbs a chair and puts a dirty flower that she’s picked from the garden in her hair.)

    Niece: “All pretty girls need a flower!”

    (At that point my fiancé breaks down and gives a few happy sobs while holding her. Later…)

    Fiancé: “Have I ever told you how awesome your family is?”

    Me: “You could stand to mention it more.”

    (She playfully punched me and then gave me a hug before taking off her mask. For the first time she attended a family dinner without wearing it at all. Goes to show you that sometimes kids know what you need better than you do!)

    A Conversation Breast Left Alone, Part 4

    | UT, USA | Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (This occurs the night before my sister and I are flying to Europe with our siblings to visit our grandparents. My sister is in a frenzy, packing last minute items, while her four-year-old son is in the tub. I end up getting him out of the tub and dressed. Also, I am wearing a v-neck shirt, so when I bend over, my cleavage is more obvious.)

    Me: *bending over* “Okay, little dude, here is your towel. Let’s get you dried off, then find you some PJ’s.”

    Nephew: *pointing at my chest* “What are those?”

    Me: “Oh, those are strings for the hood on my jacket, so I can tighten it.”

    Nephew: “No, what are those!” *again, pointing at my chest*

    Me: “This is for the zipper, so I can zip up, or unzip my jacket, see?”

    (I show him my zipper pull on my jacket.)

    Nephew: “Those, what are THOSE?!”

    (It finally dawns on me that he is pointing at my breasts.)

    Me: “Well, they are kind of like yours.” *I poke him in the chest*

    Nephew: “Can I see?”

    Me: “Nope! Now go to your room, and find your pajamas!”

    (My sister laughed hysterically when I finally told her what happened.)

    A Conversation Breast Left Alone, Part 3
    A Conversation Breast Left Alone, Part 2
    A Conversation Breast Left Alone

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