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    A Paltry Understanding Of Poultry

    | Austria | In-Laws

    (My father-in-law usually doesn’t cook. One day he invited me and my husband for dinner. Note: He knows I’m vegetarian. I’m not really picky, so I’ll eat nearly everything that’s made from vegetables.)

    Me: “What’s for dinner?”

    Father-In-Law: “Turkey breast.”

    Me: “Uhm, you do know I’m vegetarian?”

    Father-In-Law: “Yeah, that’s why I decided to make turkey breasts.”

    Me: “But that’s meat. I don’t eat meat.”

    Father-In-Law: “But that’s poultry.”

    Me: “I don’t eat poultry either. It’s a dead animal.”

    Father-In-Law: “But you eat chicken?”

    Me: “No. No dead animals.”

    Father-In-Law: “Oh. But you do eat fish, don’t you?”

    Me: “No. No dead animals for me.”

    Father-In-Law: “But what do you eat?!”

    Me: “It’s called vegetables.”

    Father-In-Law: “Oh. I’m so sorry! I thought you would eat poultry!”

    Me: “Oh, don’t bother. I’m eating the side dishes then.”

    (I have to explain that to him nearly every time we’re eating with my parents-in-law. Thank god usually my mother-in-law is the chef and she knows what she can cook for me since she likes vegetables more than meat and is always cooking vegetarian for both of us!)

    Putting The Fun Into Funeral, Part 3

    | Prince George, BC, Canada | In-Laws, Siblings

    (My brother-in-law and I have an odd dynamic. It’s all in good fun, but we fight more with each other than we do with our real siblings. Everyone is in town for my grandpa’s funeral. The night before, my brother-in-law is teasing my mom about her age, as she is turning 50 in a week. When she goes to playfully swat him, he runs around the table to hide. I grab his sleeve to keep him from escaping. He manages to accidentally pull me over backwards, chair and all. I receive some minor injuries, the most impressive of which was a palm-sized bruise fairly high up on my inner thigh. This conversation is repeated with a few people the next day.)

    Relative: “So how is everyone?”

    Me: *rolls eyes exaggeratedly and points thumb at [Brother-In-Law]* “This bruiser shows up and not ten minutes later he’s wrecking the joint and beating people up.”

    Brother-In-Law: *turns nose up* “I did nothing! You fell off a chair!”

    Relative: “…What?”

    Me: “Oooh, let me show you my bruise!” *hikes skirt up high enough to show it off*

    Mom: *to other relatives after watching this exchange a couple of times* “This is why we don’t usually let them out in public.”

    Related:
    Putting The Fun Into Funeral, Part 2
    Putting The Fun Into Funeral

    Barbie: The Next Generation

    | UT, USA | In-Laws, Spouses & Partners

    (My husband and I are discussing our baby’s new habit of pulling my hair while he falls asleep.)

    Me: “I just wish there was something I could give him that feels like hair.”

    Husband: *adamantly* “You cannot give our son dolls.”

    (Fast forward a couple weeks. We’re visiting my in-laws, and my husband’s childhood comes up.)

    Mother-In-Law: “When he was three or four, all [Husband] wanted for his birthday was Barbie dolls. So, that’s what we gave him.”

    (It was really hard not to rub that in his face!)

    Shot Himself In The Foot Again

    | Tacoma, WA, USA | In-Laws, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (A few years back our family is gathered in our parents’ backyard for 4th of July and my brother-in-law has just arrived, walks around back, and sees my dad. In the previous week or so he had some how shot himself in his foot. My father is notorious for making funny snide remarks about others actions.)

    Brother-In-Law: *knowing my Dad will make a comment about his wound* “Go ahead, [Dad] and take your best shot.”

    Dad: “Looks like you already did…”

    Their Relationship Found Its Feet

    | UT, USA | In-Laws

    (I’m staying with my in-laws. I’m playing with my nine-month-old son. My mother-in-law is on the room with us.)

    Mother-In-Law: “You have a frecklefoot?”

    Me: “[Son]? Or me?”

    Mother-In-Law: “You. Did you know [My Husband] has one?”

    Me: “Yeah, I thought it was pretty funny when I found out we have freckles on the same foot. ”

    Mother-In-Law: “Well, then it was a match made in heaven!”

    Headstrong Advice

    | OH, USA | In-Laws, Parents & Guardians

    (My father-in-law says he has never had a headache so he doesn’t believe they are real. I suffer from frequent, intense migraines. During one particularly bad migraine, my father-in-law says to me:)

    Father-In-Law: “It’s all in your head.”

    Me:  “Well… duh!”


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