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    Category: In-Laws

    Are You (Pea)Nuts?!

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Children, In-Laws, Sons & Daughters

    (My niece is a toddler and has just been diagnosed with a peanut allergy. It’s her birthday party and even though my sister specifically warned everyone about the allergy, her in-laws still brought peanuts to eat.)

    Sister: *to her father-in-law* “Please do not eat those anywhere near [Niece]. Do not go near her with them.”

    Father-In-Law: “Yeah, I won’t.”

    (A bit later from across the yard, she sees him grabbing a handful of peanuts, shoving them in his mouth to eat. My niece toddles by.)

    Father-In-Law: *grabs niece* “Give Grandpa a kiss.”

    Sister: *screams* “STOP!”

    (Her husband is closer and is able to grab my niece out of the father-in-law’s hands.)

    Husband: “What are you doing!? Are you trying to kill [Niece]!”

    Father-In-Law:  ”I just wanted a kiss.”

    Husband: “You’ve got a mouth full of peanuts, bits on your lips, and full peanuts in your f****** beard. [Sister] told you she was allergic to peanuts. You could have f****** killed her!”

    Father-In-Law:  ”I thought she was joking!”

    Callers In The Night

    , | ON, Canada | In-Laws, Spouses & Partners

    (My husband is from London, England and has moved over to Canada to start a new life with me. Among the many things to sort out, we’re also trying to transfer the money in his London bank account to our joint one here in Canada. My husband is legally blind and can’t read the websites properly, so I’m attempting to make an e-transfer of his money to our account from the internet.)

    Me: *clicking away* “So I need the sort code, but I don’t know what that is and it’s saying that the account number I’m using isn’t valid. Do you know what a sort code is?”

    Husband: “No.”

    Me: “Hmm, all right. I’ll try clicking on the help section.”

    (Much to my surprise, the help function acts like a little speech bubble that points to links I need to click and gives me information on each step. I’m genuinely pleased by this and follow the steps until I see something that makes me freeze.)

    Me: “Uh oh… OH, S***!”

    Husband: “What’s wrong?”

    Me: “Honey, trying to set up a new recipient involves the company CALLING THE PHONE NUMBER ATTACHED TO THE ACCOUNT for verification!”

    (The phone number in question? My father-in-law’s house in London! I was doing this at 9:00 at night and London is five hours ahead of us. My father-in-law was woken up by two needless phone calls at two in the morning! Needless to say, my husband and I felt really bad and I questioned this particular bank’s strategy for security.)

    Meeting The Family Is So-So

    | Chicago, IL, USA | In-Laws, Spouses & Partners

    (I am having a holiday dinner with my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. The dinner table consists of her mom, her dad, and her twin teenaged younger brothers. We’ve just begun eating and there is a painfully long silence in the conversation.)

    Girlfriend’s Dad: “Soo…”

    Me: “So?”

    Girlfriend’s Mom: “So-so?”

    Girlfriend: “Soooo so so so?”

    Girlfriends’ Brother #1: “So?”

    Girlfriend’s Brother #2: “What?”

    Girlfriend: “Uh…”

    Girlfriend’s Mom: “So so?”

    Girlfriend’s Dad: “Eh?”

    Girlfriend: “Um…”

    Me: “What’s going on?!”

    Girlfriend’s Mom: “You’ve got yourself a keeper! He’s cute when he’s got no idea what’s going on. Just like YOUR dad!”

    Girlfriend’s Dad: *grumbles under his breath*

    (They all go back to eating in silence as if nothing happened. I still to this day have no idea what actually transpired there, and neither does my girlfriend.)

    Do You Want The Micro Or The Wave?

    | NY, USA | In-Laws, Parents & Guardians, Top

    (This is a story told to me by my mother, about her awful first marriage, which lasted a year to the day. Her ex-husband’s mother absolutely hates her, and the feeling is very mutual. For the one Christmas they spent together, she gave them a microwave. After the divorce, my mother’s ex-husband takes everything except said microwave. Then, one day, he shows up on my mother’s doorstep.)

    Ex-Husband: “Hi, I was wondering if I could have the microwave back?”

    Mom: “Uh, sure, I guess. I could get a new one for cheap – why?”

    Ex-Husband: “Well, my mom said she got it for me, and she wants it back now

    that—”

    (Mentioning that it was his mother that really wanted it was his big mistake. My mom closes the door in his face. A couple days later, her ex-mother-in-law calls her.)

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “My boy tells me you won’t give him his microwave back.”

    Mom: “Well, he got the house and all our furniture…”

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “It’s his property!”

    Mom: “No, it belonged to both of us. You gave it to both of us.”

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “I got it for HIM.”

    Mom: “Pity it doesn’t say that on the card.”

    (Her ex-mother-in-law, however, refuses to let it go, and calls my mom every day for a week. Finally, this happens.)

    Mom: “You know, I’ve been thinking it over. You did give it to both of us. It’s as much [Ex-Husband]‘s microwave as it is mine. It’s half his. So, do you want the half with the buttons, or the half with the cord?”

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “Excuse me?”

    Mom: “I have a saw.”

    (She hung up, and my mom never heard from her again. And yes, she kept that microwave for a good ten years after.)

    Don’t Save The Date

    | Nashville, TN, USA | Children, Friends, In-Laws, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I’ve recently gotten engaged, and these are the reactions I get after informing various family/friends:)

    Sister-In-Law: “Congrats! When is it? You can’t do it on our anniversary, okay?”

    Groom’s Sister: “Oh, cool. Don’t steal my birthday!”

    Mom: “Yeah! Did you set a date? Don’t do it on your grandparents’ anniversary!”

    College Buddy: “Congrats, you guys! Don’t take our anniversary, okay? Haha!”

    Cousin: “Congratulations! He’s so cool! Don’t have the wedding during football season, though, or I can’t come.”

    (Can you take five minutes to be happy for me before making demands about when YOU want MY wedding to be?)


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