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    Category: In-Laws

    Do You Want The Micro Or The Wave?

    | NY, USA | In-Laws, Parents & Guardians, Top

    (This is a story told to me by my mother, about her awful first marriage, which lasted a year to the day. Her ex-husband’s mother absolutely hates her, and the feeling is very mutual. For the one Christmas they spent together, she gave them a microwave. After the divorce, my mother’s ex-husband takes everything except said microwave. Then, one day, he shows up on my mother’s doorstep.)

    Ex-Husband: “Hi, I was wondering if I could have the microwave back?”

    Mom: “Uh, sure, I guess. I could get a new one for cheap – why?”

    Ex-Husband: “Well, my mom said she got it for me, and she wants it back now

    that—”

    (Mentioning that it was his mother that really wanted it was his big mistake. My mom closes the door in his face. A couple days later, her ex-mother-in-law calls her.)

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “My boy tells me you won’t give him his microwave back.”

    Mom: “Well, he got the house and all our furniture…”

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “It’s his property!”

    Mom: “No, it belonged to both of us. You gave it to both of us.”

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “I got it for HIM.”

    Mom: “Pity it doesn’t say that on the card.”

    (Her ex-mother-in-law, however, refuses to let it go, and calls my mom every day for a week. Finally, this happens.)

    Mom: “You know, I’ve been thinking it over. You did give it to both of us. It’s as much [Ex-Husband]‘s microwave as it is mine. It’s half his. So, do you want the half with the buttons, or the half with the cord?”

    Ex-Mother-In-Law: “Excuse me?”

    Mom: “I have a saw.”

    (She hung up, and my mom never heard from her again. And yes, she kept that microwave for a good ten years after.)

    Don’t Save The Date

    | Nashville, TN, USA | Children, Friends, In-Laws, Parents & Guardians, Siblings

    (I’ve recently gotten engaged, and these are the reactions I get after informing various family/friends:)

    Sister-In-Law: “Congrats! When is it? You can’t do it on our anniversary, okay?”

    Groom’s Sister: “Oh, cool. Don’t steal my birthday!”

    Mom: “Yeah! Did you set a date? Don’t do it on your grandparents’ anniversary!”

    College Buddy: “Congrats, you guys! Don’t take our anniversary, okay? Haha!”

    Cousin: “Congratulations! He’s so cool! Don’t have the wedding during football season, though, or I can’t come.”

    (Can you take five minutes to be happy for me before making demands about when YOU want MY wedding to be?)

    The Mark Of A Cranky Baby

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | In-Laws

    (It’s the day of my son’s baptism. We are at the after party when I notice my in-laws passing my son around and he’s starting to fuss. Usually they fight over who gets to hold him. I figure he might need a fresh nappy so head over.)

    Me: “Does [Son] need a change?”

    Mother-In-Law: “No, but he has a dirty mark on his face that won’t come off. He needs his face washed.”

    Me: *looking over at sister-in-law, who is holding my son* “You don’t mean his birthmark, do you? The mark under his eye?”

    (My sister-in-law looks up, eyes wide open.)

    Mother-In-Law: “Oh, s***! We’ve been passing him around and each of us have been trying to scrub it off. Poor thing! No wonder he got cranky.”

    Endowment Empowerment

    | UT, USA | In-Laws

    (My mother-in-law has just given my two-month-old son a bath and is getting a diaper on him.)

    Mother-In-Law: “One thing I really remember about [My Husband] was that even as a baby he was so well endowed down there.”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Mother-In-Law: “Really, it was so strange to see a baby so… big… and endowed.” *to my son in a baby voice* “I guess you didn’t get that from daddy, but maybe it’ll happen.”

    The Object Of My Affection

    | Dover, DE, USA | In-Laws, Siblings

    (My sister-in-law has recently had a baby boy, and I’ve come over to see him and chat with his mother for a bit. At one point while she holds him, he starts to cry. She starts to get up to get a clean diaper.)

    Sister-In-Law: “Here, hold this.” *passes me the baby*

    Me: *taking the baby* “Did you just say ‘here, hold this’ about your son?”

    Sister-In-Law: “Oh, yeah, I do that a lot. I just can’t get out of the habit of saying it!”


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