July's Theme Of The Month: Stuck In The Car!

Category: In-Laws

Deathly Serious

| CA, USA | In-Laws, Siblings

(I live with my sister and her fiancée, my future sister-in-law, and we are talking about their wedding, which isn’t scheduled for another year.)

Me: “Would you guys decide to get married any earlier?”

Sister: “Oh, h***, no. We would tear our hair out.”

Sister-In-Law: “We would die. Because I would murder [Sister].”

Me: “…You see, the problem with that is if you murder [Sister], I’ll murder you. And then your sister will murder me, and it’ll be an endless cycle of death.”

Sister: “Two houses, both alike in dignity…”

Me: “Only there aren’t any lovers. There’s just death.”

It’s Hair-Raising Heir-Raising

| CO, USA | In-Laws, Sons & Daughters

(My six-year-old son is playing video games, and therefore is a bit distracted. His grandma, my mother-in-law, comes in the front door, damp from the rain, having just returned from the store.)

Wife: “Did you survive?”

Mother-In-Law: “Huh?”

Wife: “Did you survive? You’re looking a bit harried.”

Son: *butting in* “You always look hairy, Grandma!”

A Monster Of A Ring-Tone

| Dallas, TX, USA | In-Laws, Spouses & Partners

(My mother-in-law is a nice lady, but she’s known for being loud and outspoken. My husband has taken my phone and changed the ringtone heard when she texts me.)

Me: *sitting at work when she texts me about a birthday gift for our nephews*

Phone: *lets out this loud Godzilla-like ‘RAWR!!!’ in the middle of the office*

Me: *whispering while performing the impossible task of finding the off switch while in an embarrassed panic* “Crap, crap, crap!”

(I later tell my husband about this when we meet for lunch.)

Me: “I apparently forgot to turn my phone on silent before going into work this morning. I’m pretty sure the whole office heard the ringtone you made for your mom.”

Husband: *laughing* “YES! That’s exactly what I was hoping for when I chose that ringtone. I was hoping it would go off at the most inopportune time! Did anyone say anything?”

Me: “Thankfully not. I was really hoping they wouldn’t figure out what desk it was coming from.”

Needs A Grounding In Allergies

| CA, USA | In-Laws, Parents & Guardians

(A coworker is relating a story about his daughter’s nut allergy. He and his wife have left their daughter with his mother-in-law, who knows about the allergy. Then they get a phone call.)

Mother-In-Law: “[Daughter]’s face is all swollen. Do you think it’s because of the nuts I gave her?”

Coworker: “Why did you do that?!”

Mother-In-Law: “I thought it would be ok because I ground them up”.

(Later, after a trip to the hospital, there were social network posts of the daughter’s swollen face, with my coworker’s comments: ‘My Mother-in-Law tried to kill my daughter.’ Yes, I’d say he was mad. Surprise, surprise.)

Not Even Undeath Do Them Part

| USA | April Fool's Day, In-Laws, Zombies

(The zombie apocalypse has started, and I am begrudgingly being driven by my wife in our van to collect her parents and take them somewhere safe. My best friend is in the van with us.)

Me: “Typical. Zombie apocalypse starts and it’s yet another excuse to spend time with the in-laws.”

Wife: “Be quiet! There are zombies on the road; I need to concentrate!”

Me: “What if they’ve already been zombified? We’ll have wasted time and fuel!”

Wife: “Shush! I already spoke to them on the phone. They know we’re coming.”

(We finally get there, to see the house surrounded by zombies. We honk the horn, which distracts the zombies just enough for my father-in-law to dash outside and get in the van.)

Father-In-Law: “Quick! Drive!”

Wife: “What about mom!?”

Father-In-Law: “There’s nothing we can do for your mother now.”

(Suddenly we hear a gunshot. We all look to see my mother-in-law, wielding a shotgun, ploughing her way through the zombie horde. She looks furious. She makes it into the van and we start driving away.)

Mother-In-Law: *to father-in-law* “Nice try, Harold.”

(My father-in-law sulks, and turns his attention to my best friend.)

Father-In-Law: “Are we going to go save your wife now?”

Best Friend: *breaks down into tears* “My wife was killed by a zombie!”

Father-In-Law: *mutters under his breath* “Lucky…”

A Paltry Understanding Of Poultry

| Austria | In-Laws

(My father-in-law usually doesn’t cook. One day he invited me and my husband for dinner. Note: He knows I’m vegetarian. I’m not really picky, so I’ll eat nearly everything that’s made from vegetables.)

Me: “What’s for dinner?”

Father-In-Law: “Turkey breast.”

Me: “Uhm, you do know I’m vegetarian?”

Father-In-Law: “Yeah, that’s why I decided to make turkey breasts.”

Me: “But that’s meat. I don’t eat meat.”

Father-In-Law: “But that’s poultry.”

Me: “I don’t eat poultry either. It’s a dead animal.”

Father-In-Law: “But you eat chicken?”

Me: “No. No dead animals.”

Father-In-Law: “Oh. But you do eat fish, don’t you?”

Me: “No. No dead animals for me.”

Father-In-Law: “But what do you eat?!”

Me: “It’s called vegetables.”

Father-In-Law: “Oh. I’m so sorry! I thought you would eat poultry!”

Me: “Oh, don’t bother. I’m eating the side dishes then.”

(I have to explain that to him nearly every time we’re eating with my parents-in-law. Thank god usually my mother-in-law is the chef and she knows what she can cook for me since she likes vegetables more than meat and is always cooking vegetarian for both of us!)

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