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    Category: Children

    This Child Has No Cruise Control

    | USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (When I am around three years old, my dad gets a huge pay raise, so to celebrate, my mom, my dad, and I go on a short cruise around the Caribbean. I’m full of energy and therefore bouncing off the walls and screaming a lot, all while my mom tries to get me to stop. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door.)

    Mom: *opens the door*

    Security: “Good morning, ma’am. I heard reports of a child screaming and someone thought it was because of child abuse. Do you mind if I take a look inside?”

    (Suddenly, I knock over a phone next to the bed and the security guard looks at me.)

    Mom: “Do you want to take him?”

    Can’t Fight That Hard Drive

    | CA, USA | Children, Nephews & Nieces

    (I am babysitting my two-year-old and five-month-old nieces. I am giving the baby a bottle while the two-year-old plays with my laptop.)

    Two-Year-Old: “Auntie, I break it.”

    (I look up to see the two-year-old holding up a keyboard key she’s managed to pop off.)

    Me: *taking it away* “You can’t play with it anymore.”

    (A few minutes later, I once again hear:)

    Two-Year-Old: “Auntie, I break it.”

    (I look up to see her holding yet another keyboard key she’s popped off.)

    Me: “Why? Why did you do that when Auntie told you that you couldn’t play with it anymore?”

    Two-Year-Old: *looks at me with an innocent face and answers* “I just had to.”

    Don’t Give Her Any Ideas

    | The Philippines | Children, Siblings, Sons & Daughters

    (I am nine years old. I am with my family, visiting my late grandparents.)

    Me: “What’s that?”

    Dad: “Those are tombstones for my parents. They died when I was very young.”

    Me: “Aw, I’m sorry Daddy.”

    Three-Year-Old Sister: “Why? Did you kill them?!”

    The Flavor Doesn’t Tickle Her Pink

    | Finland | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I have made a new recipe for dinner: pasta with beetroot and goat cheese sauce. The pasta is bright pink and my seven-year-old daughter it excited to try it.)

    Daughter: “Yay, pink food!”

    (She tastes it.)

    Daughter: *disappointed* “Pink doesn’t taste quite how I expected it to.”

    Your Childhood Just Melted Away

    | FL, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

    (My mother, my brother, and I are on the ferry to Disney’s Magic Kingdom. In front of us are a woman and her two young children, and an older girl trying to engage the children in a conversation.)

    Older Girl: “Who’s your favorite character?”

    Child #1: “Olaf! I want to see him when we get there!”

    Older Girl: “Well, I don’t know if they have Olaf here.”

    Mom: “Yeah, maybe he melted.”

    (The two children turn around, wide-eyed. My mom quickly tries to backtrack.)

    Mom: “But he’s magic… so he’ll just… un-melt!”

    Me: “How did I have a relatively normal childhood again?”

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