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    Category: Children

    Lord Knows We Need To Laugh

    | Sussex, England, UK | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My family, including my four-year-old daughter and two-year-old son, are at Sunday mass. There are two masses: the first is the children’s mass and is usually very busy, the second is a little smaller in attendees and for those that don’t want to be with loads of kids. We are at the later mass. Our priest is giving a reading so it is very quiet.)

    Priest: “Jesus taught us—”

    Daughter: “Jesus wasn’t a tortoise. He was a people.”

    (Everyone laughs and our priest has to have a few minutes to compose himself. After mass, as we we’re leaving I go to apologise.)

    Me: “I’m so sorry, Father. I’ll go to the early mass next week.”

    Priest: “Oh, don’t be silly. This one gets a bit boring without the children and the Lord knows when we need to laugh.”

    If You Get Sick You’ll Go Swim With The Fishes

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (Our two-year-old recently got two goldfish for her birthday. As fish do – one dies. This happens as her father is home on his lunch break and removing the fish from the tank.)

    Father: “Oh, no, darling! Look. One fish got sick.”

    Two-Year-Old: “FISH!”

    (Her father goes to flush the fish down the toilet and our two-year-old follows to watch. I can see bad things happening from the lack of explanation but am too busy to go explain further to our child. Later on when he comes home from work our daughter starts coughing.)

    Father: “Uh-oh, sounds like [Daughter] is getting sick!”

    Two-Year-Old: *with the most startled look on her face she looks towards the toilet* “FISH?!”

    Don’t Burst Her Bubble

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (From my four-year-old daughter who is taking a bath:)

    Daughter: “Papa! My bottom makes bubbles!”

    Bodily Dysfunctions

    | India | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

    (This happens when I am four years old. My mother is pregnant with my sibling and is asking me to go to the toilet but I am refusing.)

    Mom: “[My Name], go to the toilet this instant! You don’t want me calling your Dad, do you?!

    Me: “NO! *indignantly* [Baby] doesn’t go to the toilet either! It. Does. Not. Poop!”

    The Dominant Education

    | NJ, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Children, Cousins

    (I am out to dinner with my family to celebrate my oldest cousin moving into a new apartment with her boyfriend. I have recently been tutoring my younger cousin in biology.)

    Younger Cousin: “Hey, [My Name], you have attached earlobes! That means that you have two recessive alleles, right?”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s right!”

    Younger Cousin: “Well, dad and I have unattached earlobes, and that means we have the dominant allele, right?”

    Me: “Yup.”

    Younger Cousin: “And my mom has unattached earlobes, too! We’re all dominant!”

    Me: “Actually, I think your mom has attached earlobes. Take a closer look.”

    Older Cousin’s Boyfriend: “Well, dominant traits are always shown, and recessive traits are hidden, so you have to have two copies of the recessive gene to have a recessive trait.”

    Me:  “Right…”

    (Older cousin’s boyfriend continues to try to explain genetics to me as our family watches in silence, holding back snickers until finally my cousin says something.)

    Older Cousin: “You do know that this is what she is getting her Ph.D. in, right?”

    Older Cousin’s Boyfriend: *to me* “Why didn’t you say anything?!”

    Me: “Well, you didn’t say anything technically wrong…”

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