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    Category: Children

    Fathers Are Just Full Of Hot Air

    | IN, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My father is in the lobby area at the library when he passes gas very loudly.)

    Nearby Five-Year-Old Boy: *sitting next to his father* “Daddy! That man sounds just like you!”

    Honey-Nut Mommy

    | NY, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (Every once and I while, I check to make sure our three-year-old knows our names, for safety reasons. Sometimes… she decides to be silly.)

    Me: “[Daughter], what’s my name?”

    Daughter: “Mommy.”

    Me: “But what’s my name?”

    Daughter: “I call you mommy.”

    Me: “Okay. What does Daddy call me? ”

    Daughter: “Honey.”

    Me: *thinking I’ve finally got her* “What does Aunt [My Sister] call me?”

    Daughter: “Nuts.”

    A Love Born Of The Unborn

    | USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (My husband is resting his head on what’s left of my lap next to my pregnant belly.)

    Me: *tenderly* “My two babies!”

    Husband: “Do you still love me more than him?”

    Me: “Yes, dear.”

    Husband: *suddenly shoving his face into the baby bump* “Haha! Hear that, sucker?!”

    Doesn’t Know Beans About Road Trips

    | IN, USA | Children, Cousins, Siblings

    (This happened back in the 1970s. Our family has decided to take a vacation to Chicago, and we’re driving there in our little 1967 Volkswagen Beetle. As we pull up…)

    Dad: *gets out* “All right! Everyone out!”

    Me: *gets out*

    Sister #1: *gets out*

    Sister #2: *gets out*

    Mom: *gets out*

    English Mastiff: *hops out*

    Cousin #1: *gets out*

    Cousin #2: *gets out*

    Cousin #3: *gets out*

    (At this point, all eight of us and the not-that-small dog are standing beside our tiny car, staring at my dad.)

    Mom: “You are no longer allowed to have beans and wasabi before long trips.”

    Helps Them Band Together

    | FL, USA | Children, Siblings

    (I’m about six or seven years old, and my family ends up going to a basketball game at the local high school. During a pause in the game, the marching band plays. They are… not exactly on-key or in-sync. The adults around us are wincing, but trying to be supportive. My two-year-old sister looks around, and as soon as they’re done, innocently shouts:)

    Sister: “IT WAS A NICE TRY!”

    (The whole gymnasium cracked up. We still tease her about it.)

    It’s Been Awhile, Percentile

    | USA | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (I have just returned home from our son’s two-month check-up and am telling my husband how it went.)

    Me: “The doctor said he jumped from the 20th percentile for weight at the two-week visit to the 50th percentile today, so that’s good.”

    Husband: “Don’t you mean he went from the 50th to the 20th percentile?”

    Me: “No…”

    Husband: “So he fell behind in weight?”

    Me: “No, I told you he went from 20th to 50th. Don’t you know how percentiles work?”

    Husband: “Of course I do!”

    Me: “So at two weeks, he was heavier than 20 percent of kids his age, and now he’s heavier than 50 percent of them.”

    Husband: “…I guess I had it backwards. I just remember always being in the 90-ish percentile for standardized tests…”

    Me: “…Which means you’re supposed to be SMARTER than 90 percent of the population! Maybe we need to have you re-tested…”

    Husband: “…Yeah, maybe you do.”

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