(My three-year-old brother is out shopping with my mum. They have just approached the ‘feminine hygiene’ aisle of the store.)

Brother: *at the top of his voice* “Look, mum! There are those smokes that you stick up your bum!”

(Mother turns beet red with embarrassment, and runs down the rest of the aisle.)

(My five-year-old daughter is arguing with me.)

Daughter: “You know, mom. Sometimes when I argue with you, I forget you’re not an idiot!”

(My six-year-old daughter is the last one in her grade to still have all of her baby teeth. )

Daughter: “Mom, am I ever going to lose a tooth?”

Me: “I promise you, you will.”

Daughter: “But WHEN?!”

Me: “I don’t know, but probably soon.”

Daughter: “I think it’s never going to happen. I think all of my teeth have their seatbelts on, and they are tightly fastened!”

(I’m about three years old, and am obsessed with animals. Mammals, fish, birds, insects, I’m obsessed with them all. I add ‘-y’ to the type of animal, i.e. doggy, kitty, birdy, fishy. I’m in the backyard, ‘playing’ with a hornet. The hornet flies away, and I become upset and chase it.)

Me: “Come back, Horny! Horny!”

(25 years later, my mother still bursts into uncontrollable laughter.)

(I am fairly young, and home alone with the rest of my siblings. A police officer phones the house for a survey. I know I’m not supposed to let a stranger know we’re home alone, so I think quickly.)

Police Officer: “Hello, is your mother or father home?”

Me: “Uh… my mom’s in the shower right now.”

Police Officer: “Oh, what about your father?”

Me: “Uh… he’s in the shower too!”

(The police officer pauses; he tries to stifle his laughter.)

Police Officer: “BOTH your parents are in the shower?”

Me: “Yes…”

(I didn’t understand why he was laughing until much, MUCH later in life.)