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    Category: Children

    Buying Themselves A Slap

    | CA, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (I work in a department store, and overhear this while I am putting things away.)

    Kid: “You’re going to buy this for me, or else! I’m ordering you to buy this for me. I’m going to get madder and madder if I don’t get it right now! I said, RIGHT NOW!”

    (Never wanted to slap someone more in my life…)

    Not A Number One Parent

    | SD, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

    (I am lifeguarding at the local pool when I overhear this conversation between a young boy and his mother:)

    Young Boy: “Mommy! Mommy! I went pee-pee in the pool!”

    Mother: “Good job, honey!”

    Giving Birth To The Returner Culture

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Children, Friends

    (I am out to lunch with a of couple girlfriends for one’s birthday, and the birthday girl’s three year old daughter. While I don’t have or want any of my own, kids don’t really bother me.)

    Me: *after about five minutes of the girl hanging on me, including standing in my lap to wave to the kitchen staff* “Okay, [Birthday Girl], you can have her back now.”

    Birthday Girl: “Nuh-uh, she’s yours now! There’s no return policy!”

    Other Friend: “Honey, there was a no return policy when she fell out of your vagina.”

    There Is No Answer

    | Tokyo, Japan | Children, Siblings

    (My three-year-old sister is going through a phase where she will direct conversations by asking people a question and telling them how to answer, e.g. “Is that your bag? Now you say, ‘Yes.’” One day I get a little tired of humoring her and decide to respond as follows.)

    Me: “You can’t tell me what to say. You’re not the boss of me!”

    Sister: “Yes, I am! Now you say, ‘No, you’re not’!”

    Faced With The Truth

    | NS, Canada | Children, Sons & Daughters

    (My six-year-old daughter keeps sticking her tongue out at dinner.)

    Husband: “[Daughter], are you making faces at the dinner table?”

    Daughter: “No, I’m making faces at you!”

    There You Are

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

    (While surfing the Internet at work, I see a meme that says “Just when I think my son is a little carbon copy of his father, that he inherited nothing me from, he trips over his own feet and slams into a wall. I say to myself, Ahh… there I am.” At the end of my work day, my husband and seven-year-old son come to pick me up. I notice my son has a black eye.)

    Me: “What happened?”

    Husband: “He was running around the house, tripped over his own feet, and ran face first into the wall.”

    Me: “…”

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