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Daddy Is Always Watching

| USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

(I see a little girl playing with a CCTV camera: waving, making faces, playing peekaboo, even dancing in front of it. I think it’s silly and cute. Her mother comes over, waves at the camera, too, and even blows a kiss. I think, huh?)

Mother: “Time to go home.”

Girl: “No! I want to play with daddy.” *waves at camera* “Daddy!”

Mother: “Daddy can’t hear you now. We’ll see him tonight.”

(They leave, waving to all the cameras. So, it seems Daddy works in the security room, watching. How nice.)

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Hitting The Bumble-Bee Notes

| ID, USA | Holidays, Parents & Guardians

(My mom and I are Christmas shopping together. Let it be known that a) I am liable to break into song at the drop of a hat, and b) I collect action figures as a hobby.)

Mom: “I don’t know what to get you for Christmas. Let me look at your Christmas list.”

Me: *singing* “This is my grown-up Christmas list…”

Mom: “Grown-up Christmas list? Girl, you asked for Transformers for Christmas!”

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Backpack To School

| Maryville, TN, USA | Children, Sons & Daughters

(It’s tax free weekend before school starts. My daughter declares she CANNOT start school without a purple backpack and pink hair. We’ve been to four different stores looking for the perfect backpack. We finally find one at the most crowded store in town. I’m also dragging around my one-year-old son.)

Me: *daughter* “Put that back. Where you found it. Get over here. Hi! Yeah, I found everything we needed.”

Cashier: “Cash or credit?”

Me: “Credit. [Son], if you fall and bust your head open, we’re not going to the emergency room. [Daughter], put that candy bar back right now. No, where it belongs. Stand here and don’t move.” *mutters under breath* “Have kids they said. It’ll be fun they said.”

Cashier: “Who’s they?”

Me: “The same lying jerks that said the second kid would be easier.”

Cashier: “Oh, I like you!”

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Playing Hard With The Candy

| UT, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians

(I am ringing at a popular clothing chain when a woman with a toddler in tow and baby on her hip comes to my register. I make small talk and ring up her items while her toddler son begins making a fuss about the candy surrounding the register.)

Toddler: “Mommy, I want this!”

Mother: “Sorry, sweetie, no.”

Toddler: “I want THIS candy.”

Mother: “You’re not getting any candy.”

Toddler: *screaming and kicking at register counter* “I WANT IT NOW!”

Mother: *looks to me and sighs* “Hold this, please.”

(She then proceeded to shove her infant across the counter and into my arms, pick up her toddler by the arm, and drop him into the cart as he continued to scream. She then took the infant back as if nothing happened, finished the transaction, and calmly left the store as her toddler continued to throw a screaming fit.)

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Black Friday Of The Dead

| Waverly, OH, USA | Grandchildren

(My grandson and I run out for a few food items. Unfortunately, people are already lining up for the Black Friday sales. We duck barriers and thread through crowds, feeling like salmon swimming upstream. I mutter:)

Me: “It’s like the zombie apocalypse.”

Grandson: *in a raspy voice* “Saaalesssssssss!”

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