Relatively Confusing

| UK | Distant Relatives

(I’m sitting in work, minding my own business when the phone rings.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Company].”

Caller: “Afternoon. Can I please speak to [Coworker]?”

Me: “Can I ask who’s calling?”

Caller: “[Caller].” *he doesn’t give a company, unlike most of our callers*

Me: “One moment, please.”

(I call Coworker, who picks up.)

Me: “I’ve got [Caller] for you?”

Coworker: “Who?”

Me: “[Caller].”

Coworker: “No idea. Put him through anyway.”

(I transfer the call and forget about it. Half an hour later, [Coworker] walks through reception to go to lunch.)

Coworker: “Guess who that guy was in the end? He’s a relative that I’ve never met, but he’s doing our family tree. He’s only got my work number from emails.”

Me: “And you didn’t know who it was. Shame on you.”

Coworker: “I was in work mode!”

(I still tease her about how she doesn’t recognize her own family.)

I Swear I Didn’t

| ON, Canada | Children, Popular, Sons & Daughters

(My coworker shared this gem of a conversation with her three-year-old daughter.)

Daughter: “Mommy, I don’t say ‘What the f***.'”

Coworker: “Don’t say that!”

Daughter: “I don’t.”

A Mother Always Knows

| VA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(I have a summer internship at the same company my mother works for, but we are on different teams and sit on opposite sides of the building. Every Thursday afternoon, a cart with beer and sodas comes through the office.)

Manager: “Hey, beer cart’s here. Anyone want something?”

(I am about to decline when I get a text from my mom.)

Mom: “Take the beverage. Take it!”

(This isn’t the first time she’s messaged me out of nowhere to tell me to do or not do something. And people wonder why I’m so well-behaved even when she’s not there…)

Don’t Be A Sour Oedipus

| Chadds Ford, PA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(It’s the Saturday before Mother’s Day. I’m at work texting my mom. Earlier that week for Mother’s Day, my brother wrote a poem for my mom comparing her to the sweet part of a cookie and my dad to the crumbling burnt part.)

Mom: “[Brother] saw my [High School] senior picture today and looked dumbfounded. He says, mom, you were hot!! He is on fire with mom’s day…”

Me: “And thus [Brother]’s Oedipus Complex emerges. Now he must repress his urges to kill dad.”

Mom: “Well, that poem he wrote…”

Me: “He compares you to a sugar cookie and dad a crumbling burnt one and thought you looked hot — hot as a teen. I think [Brother] has repressed urges to kill dad and hook up with you. Oh, god, this is hilarious! Freud was right all along!”

Mom: “DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO [BROTHER]!”

Me: “Can I at least warn Dad of his impending death?”

(Later that day I showed my brother this text exchange. He thought it was hilarious.)

There You Are

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Children, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

(While surfing the Internet at work, I see a meme that says “Just when I think my son is a little carbon copy of his father, that he inherited nothing me from, he trips over his own feet and slams into a wall. I say to myself, Ahh… there I am.” At the end of my work day, my husband and seven-year-old son come to pick me up. I notice my son has a black eye.)

Me: “What happened?”

Husband: “He was running around the house, tripped over his own feet, and ran face first into the wall.”

Me: “…”

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