One Mother To Rule Them All

| Hudsonville, MI, USA | Parents & Guardians

(We are sitting around the dinner table eating as a family.)

Dad: *clearly thinking something* “I like…I like movies.”

Brother: “Okay?”

Dad: “I like movies…like Lord of the Rings.”

Mom: “Jim…no you don’t.”

Dad: *shrugging* “I know.”

Might Be On A Bit Too Much Moonshine

| Alberta, Canada | Parents & Guardians

(My mother is asking me about a time when I went back-packing through Australia for a year.)

Mom: “Does Australia get the moon down there?”

Do The Dishes To Get The Dishiest

| Philadelphia, PA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(A girl I am seeing suddenly breaks off contact with me without a discernible reason. My mom finds out.)

Mom: “If there’s anything I can do to help you get girls, let me know. I am a girl after all, I know what girls like. For one thing, girls don’t like guys with long hair, it doesn’t look good.”

Me: *speechless*

Mom: “Also, you should put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher. You’d get a lot more girls if you just weren’t so unattractive and inconsiderate!”

Someone’s Mind Is Obviously Made Up

| Orlando, FL, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(I don’t normally wear makeup. My mom is trying to convince me that I would look nice with a bit of makeup.)

Mom: “You should get some makeup.”

(I stick my tongue out.)

Mom: “That’s lovely.”

Me: “Makeup won’t fix that.”

(My sister walks into the conversation.)

Sister: “Makeup won’t fix what?”

(I stick my tongue out again.)

Sister: “What? Your face?”

Making Mole-Hills Out Of Mosquito Bites

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(My boyfriend, mom, sister and I are having dinner outside during summer.)

Me: *scratching my chest* “Ouch! I have so many mosquito bites. One just bit my boob!”

Sister: “What boob? You don’t have any.”

Mom: “Hey! Maybe with that bite you can finally fill out that bra and give your boyfriend something to look at!”