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The Lawnmower Ban

| USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(I live with my elderly mother. She’s extremely proud and stubborn. We have a backyard that is on a steep incline, and per the homeowner association’s rules, we must keep the grass cut. I’m a thin young woman, and lugging our lawnmower gives me a back ache. My brother lives with us, but he’s extremely lazy and refuses to do any work.)

Me: “Mom, please, let’s just hire someone to do it.”

Mom: “No! I can do it myself!”

(In the blazing summer, I watch her mow. I bring her some water.)

Me: “Mom, please. How about we just move to a condo nearby and that way we don’t have to mow.”

Mom: “NO.”

(She and I make enough money to afford to buy a condo, so I don’t understand why she’s being stubborn. She’s really set in her ways. I plead and plead. Years later, I finally move out because I can’t stand to watch her abuse herself. Finally, she passes away from overwork and stress.)

Me: “Too bad that she didn’t listen to me. Why didn’t you help her mow the lawn, [Brother]? You’re a fit guy.”

Brother: “Shut up! Just because I’m a man doesn’t mean I have to do any work.”

(RIP Mom.)

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A Labyrinthian Career Path

| WI, USA | Parents & Guardians

(A new position has opened up at my office, and I’m debating whether or not to apply. It would mean full-time work, where my current position is only part-time.)

Me: “I admit, I really need the money. But it would mean having to deal with the angriest customers. I’m not sure I have the stomach for that. Right now, even the angry ones tend to hold back, because they know I don’t have the power to do anything. They just want to be transferred to someone who does.”

Mom: “And with this job, you’d be the one with the power.”

Me: “Exactly. I’d—“

Mom: *with her best David Bowie impression* “You’d remind him of the babe!”

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Uncultured Club

| NS, Canada | Popular, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

(We are preparing to head out for the day and my husband is watching videos on his computer, ranging from 90’s rap back to disco, including a couple of Culture Club’s songs. I go to our bathroom to finish up, and our son goes to the other bathroom and my husband is in our bedroom nearer to me.)

Husband: *singing* “Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?”

Son: *yelling from other end of house* “If it will get you to shut up, YES!”

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Do As You’re Told Or There’ll Be Hell To Pray

| ON, Canada | Grandparents, Popular

(My sister and my grandmother are sitting at the kitchen table. My grandmother, a tiny little Portuguese lady with a strong accent, has bought a lottery ticket.)

Grandmother: “I would pray to God to win, but money comes from the devil, so pray to the devil for me!”

(I love my grandmother.)

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Here We Pokémon Go Again

| NS, Canada | Children, Pokemon, Sons & Daughters

(My friend and I are playing Pokémon Go and her three-year-old daughter is watching me as I scroll through the list of Pokémon I’ve caught.)

Daughter: “Why is it dead?!”

(She was looking at a Magikarp. I couldn’t stop laughing!)