Met The Social Quota This Month

| UT, USA | Siblings, Spouses & Partners

(We have a calendar on the fridge so we can keep track of everyone’s plans. I’ve just updated the calendar and my husband sees it. Every Saturday has something written on it. Some of the events include my sister-in-law’s bridal shower, bachelorette party, and wedding. It sounds be noted that my husband is an introvert, and avoids most social gatherings when he can.)

Husband: “Do we really have something planned for every Saturday this month?”

Me: “Yeah, sorry.”

Husband: *pointing at calendar* “Well, I’m not going to this one, definitely not these two, and not this one!”

(The last one was his sister’s wedding.)

Husband: *laughing* “I’m just kidding. But, I’m not really excited about going.”


| USA | Unfiltered

(My sister and I are researching a TV show and find out that there is a character in the extended media who is a cannibal. Having a weird sense of humor, this gives my sister an idea.)

Sister: Let’s eat other people.

Me: No thank you.

Sister: Why not?

Me: Because cannibalism is illegal.

Sister: Are you really going to let something like the law get in the way?

Me: Yep.

Sister: There’s nothing in the Bible that says you can’t eat another human being!

Me: Actually I’m pretty sure there’s something about that somewhere…

Sister: What, is it one of the Ten Commandments or something?

Me: What, you never heard of the Eleventh Commandment? “Thou shall not eat thy neighbor.”


| Delaware, USA | Unfiltered

When I arrive at my parents’ house for a week, my father is sitting on the floor with newspapers, with the television on. After he finishes reading the newspapers, he picks them up and walks out of the room with them.

Several hours later, the television changes to a show that neither of us cares for, and I start hunting for the remote.

Me: Mom, where’s the remote?

Mom: Did you check between the couch cushion?

Me: Yes, and it’s not there…

Dad comes out and joins the search for the remote.

Me: Did you pick it up when you took the newspapers wherever you took them?

Dad: No….

Several minutes pass…..

Dad: I hope not.

He then proceeds to walk outside and hunt through the recycle bin. The remote was there.


| CA, USA | Unfiltered

(The women on my mother’s side of the family tend to resemble each other very strongly {except for me}. On a family vacation, we are meeting a 5-year-old cousin for the first time, and she has glommed onto my sister.)

Cousin: You’re pretty!

Sister: No, you’re pretty!

Cousin: No, YOU’RE pretty!

Me: Oh for pete’s sake, you look THE SAME!

Both: Oh… right…


That’s The Last Time To Spend Time

| AZ, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(My mom and I have a very rocky relationship, with her being more interested in getting high with whatever man she’s seeing at the time. For the record, I never lived with her, but rather my dad, and would stay with her every other weekend. At this time, I’m 14 and have come to recognize certain patterns. If she has a new boyfriend, she asks for me to come around more often so she can play the role of “good mother.” As soon as she has settled into a relationship, however, it takes her months to get in touch with me and we ultimately don’t visit unless I call and arrange it. This takes place a good year or so after she’s been with her latest boyfriend and for the last two weeks she has been begging me to come spend time with her. I simply can’t understand it, because she doesn’t need to play good mom after a year. Finally, I think to myself that maybe she actually wants to wants to go out with me like I’ve been asking, since we always stay in when I visit. So, that weekend I pack a bag and head over. Just as she promised, we leave to go to a movie with her boyfriend.)

Mom: “We just need to pick up some friends and then we’ll go to the theater. ”

Me: “Who?”

Mom: “You’ve never met them.”

(I don’t ask about much else and we drive to a part of town I’m not familiar with. We get to the apartment and wait a few minutes for her friends to get their stuff so we can go. The only thing that strikes me as odd are the fact that the three kids inside don’t have shoes on or seem to be getting ready. I don’t ask, thinking maybe the parents will handle it, and follow my mom and her friends out. Just as we reach the door, my mom stops me.)

Mom: “We’ll be back in a couple hours.”

(It took me about 10 minutes to realize that she’d left me to babysit! That was the last time I ever believed she wanted to spend time with me. Now, over ten years later, I’m no longer on speaking terms with her. She can’t figure out why.)