Screens Should Be Screened At The Door

| NY, USA | Sons & Daughters

(My daughter works for a company where she has to be on a computer for 40+ hours a week. When the end of the work week finally rolls around, she comes home, rubbing her eyes.)

Daughter: “Man, my eyes are killing me. I am never going to look at a computer screen again!”

(She then proceeds to pull out her smartphone and play on it for the next three hours.)

Laughing Gas

| WI, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I get home after a very bad day at school. Because I’m the first one back and no-one else is supposed to be there for an hour, I curl up in bed and cry for a bit. Eventually I stop and just sit there reading. Until my dad gets back…)

Dad: *opens door, burps loudly, closes door*

Me: *laughs*

(That was the first time I’d even smiled that day!)

Jumping To Conclusions

| DE, USA | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Siblings

(A friend and I are visiting my sister who lives in another state. It’s late at night and she just went upstairs with her live-in boyfriend when my friend and I hear the bed squeaking right above us.)

Friend: “Oh, god, they seriously aren’t…?”

Me: “Oh, god, I think they are…”

(This continues for about fifteen minutes.)

Me: “Great, I have to go up there. I need to use the bathroom.”

Friend: “Good luck. It’s right next to their room!”

(As I sneak upstairs as quietly as possible, I run into my sister’s boyfriend who had just walked out of the bathroom. I can still hear the squeaking of the bed in their room.)

Me: “Wait, how long have you been in there?”

Sister’s Boyfriend: “About fifteen minutes or so. I was taking a shower. Why?”

Me: “Well, [Friend] and I heard the bed squeaking and thought…”

Sister’s Boyfriend: *laughing* “Oh, yeah. Are you aware your sister is the only 24-year-old who still jumps on the bed?”

The Bad Word Race

| Lancaster, OH, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I am about five years old and visiting my dad for weekend visitation. My mom is with a boyfriend named “Brandon” at the time. My dad and I are racing to the door and I manage to beat him with sheer awesomeness – don’t ruin that for me.)

Me: “Haha, I beat you b***h!”

(After dad spanks me and I finish crying:)

Dad: “Now where did you hear that?”

Me: “Brandon calls Mommy it all the time!”

Making Your Question Your Sanity

| PA, USA | Siblings

(I sometimes answer the phone with, “Hello, you have reached the insane asylum,” but only with people I really know.)

Me: “Hello, you have reached the insane asylum.”

Mom: *pauses* “Honey, you have got to stop doing that. That’s really not… not cool.”

Me: *snickering* “Is it because I say it so calmly and professionally?”

Mom: “YES! And I always have to make sure I dialed the right number!”

(Later:)

Me: “Hello, you have reached the insane asylum.”

Dad: *pauses* “Is this really the insane asylum, or is this my daughter?”

Me: “It’s me, Dad. Hi!”

(I do this with a couple of other people, but they usually take it in stride and don’t question whether or not they’ve dialed the right number!)

Press ESC To Activate Homophobia

| TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I download a picture of Matthew Lush and Nick Laws cuddling on my mom’s computer.)

Mom: “Ahhhhh! Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. [My Name] this picture is for you. You downloaded this! Get this of my screen! Hurry!”

Me: *looks at picture* “Mom, it’s just cuddling.”

Mom: “But they’re gay!”

Me: “How’d you get to the picture?”

Mom: “I saw something was downloaded so I wanted to know what it was.”

Me: *presses escape on computer* “That’s all you had to do.”

Mom: *looks relieved and thanks me*

(Maybe homophobes really are scared of homosexuals!)