Don’t Do Drugs While Holding Scissors

| Allentown, PA, USA | Popular, Siblings

(My sister just got Windows 10 and it’s been doing a lot of weird, sometimes questionable things while she tries to figure out how to use it. I look over at her to find her staring blankly at the laptop screen.)

Me: “You look really confused.”

Sister: “Yeah… I’m trying to figure out why Cortana made a Bing search even though I never even said “Hey, Cortana”…”

Me: “Maybe you accidentally clicked on the ask button. That’s not really confusing.”

Sister: “That’s not why I’m confused. I’m confused because I’m trying to figure out what I might have said that made her do a Bing search for ‘scissors hash’…”


Monster Lightning

| VA, USA | Popular, Siblings

(My brother is playing a survival video game. He is gathering resources and starts chopping down trees for wood.)

Me: “Hey, [Brother]. Wouldn’t it be funny if a [Monster] appeared right now?”

(The monster in question is extremely powerful, and has a VERY small chance of appearing when you’re chopping down trees.)

Brother: “Suuuuuure. What are the chances—OH, SHOOT!”

(The monster has just appeared. While his character runs away, my brother and I stare at each other. He manages to escape the monster, but an in-game thunderstorm is starting. During a storm, lightning can strike, and kill, a player, but chances are, again, EXTREMELY low.)

Me: “You know what would be funny? If lightning—”

Brother: “DON’T SAY IT!”

(Literally two seconds later, lightning kills his character. From then on, my brother has been sure never to play while I’m around.)


Guns Kill People And First Impressions

| CT, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(I have just begun dating my boyfriend, who is a monstrously large man. My dad is very annoyed at the fact that despite being fairly big himself, I’ve picked one of the few men he cannot possibly intimidate physically. Also worth noting, my father is a big fan of bladed weapons.)

Dad: “Just make sure you tell him about my gun collection.”

Me: “You mean the whole one gun you own?”

Dad: “…Actually, you’re right. Tell him about my knife collection instead. Because if you think about it, that’s scarier.”

(Three years on and my boyfriend and Dad get along just fine. And Dad bought us both pocket knives this Christmas.)


Gives New Meaning To Growling Stomach

| PA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(We’re quietly eating Thanksgiving leftovers when I hear a strange soft growling sound.)

Me: “Was that [Dog]?”

(The dog sits at my feet contentedly.)

Dad: “Actually, that was my stomach.”


Bored To The Finich, Cause He Hates His Spinach

| Brampton, ON, Canada | Cousins, Popular

(I am 24 years old and am babysitting my six-year-old cousin. She has finished her dinner, with the exception of a large pile of spinach which she hasn’t touched.)

Cousin: “I’m done.”

Me: “You didn’t eat your spinach.”

Cousin: “Can I have some ice cream?”

Me: “Not until you eat your spinach.”

Cousin: “But I’m still hungry.”

Me: “Then eat your spinach.”

Cousin: “I don’t want to.”

Me: “Your mom said you had to eat it.”

Cousin: “My mom isn’t here.”

Me: “If you don’t eat your spinach, I’ll tell her and you will get in trouble.”

Cousin: “I don’t care; it’s gross!”

(This goes on for about 15 minutes, at which point I remember a trick my father used to use to make me eat spinach.)

Me: *sings the Popeye theme song*

Cousin: “What?”

Me: “If you eat spinach, you might become super strong like Popeye.”

Cousin: “What’s Popeye?”

(At that point I decided not to make her eat the spinach because I was more upset that she had never heard of Popeye. I spent the next three hours giving her an extensive lecture on Popeye, which covered things like the characters, the story, and the history of the franchise. I threw out the spinach and didn’t tell my aunt what happened because, judging by the extremely bored expression on my cousin’s face, my Popeye lesson was punishment enough. That was also the first time I ever felt old.)