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Hot Headed Mother

| USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals, Popular

(My mom is “frugal” to the point the point it comes across as cheap and rude. We don’t have central air in our house, so we have several window units. She refuses to put them in until the end of June at the earliest, no matter what the weather is. It’s the end of May, and the temperature has climbed into the low 90s. Inside of the house it’s reached 97 degrees, and the fans she turned on just move the hot air around.)

Me: “Mom, it’s way too hot in here.”

Mom: “Yeah, I know. What do you want for dinner?”

Me: “Nothing… it’s too hot.”

Mom: “I’ll make hamburgers.”

Me: “You can’t turn the stove on. It’ll just make the house hotter.”

Mom: “I don’t know what you want me to do about it.”

Me: “Maybe put the airs in and turn them on?”

Mom: “No, it’s too early.”

(Everyone else in the house proceeds to come home and complain about how hot it is in the house. My mom is the most vocal with her complaints, yelling at us about it being too hot and our dinner only making it hotter. Despite the rising temperature and her own complaints, she refuses to do anything to make it cooler until this happens…)

Mom: *picking up her dog* “Oh he’s burning up.”

Me: “Because it’s hot…”

Mom: “He hasn’t been acting right all day.”

Me: “Mother, it is 100 degrees in your house. No s***. Nobody has been.”

Brother: “He has the symptoms of heat stroke.”

Me: “So do the rest of us!”

Mom: “Well, put the airs in! How stupid could you guys be? Leaving it this hot all day for my little tiny baby boy!”

(She continued to coo at her dog while my brothers got the window units out of the attic. They put them in, and the house took three hours to cool off completely. This wasn’t the first time she proved her dogs were more important than her kids.)

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An Over-beering Child

| Austin, TX, USA | Children, Popular, Sons & Daughters

(Tonight I get home late and haven’t eaten yet. I’m digging through the fridge hunting for dinner with my nine-year-old son talking in the background, when…)

Me: *gasp* “Beer!”

Son: “Put that back, mommy! Beer is not dinner!”

What The Dickens?!

| Norridgewock, ME, USA | Children, Popular, Sons & Daughters

(I am a stay at home mom and trying to teach our two-and-a-half-year-old daughter “big” words. One of the words is “ridiculous”, which she can’t quite pronounce. Dad has just come home from work.)

Dad: “Where are my silly girls?”

Daughter: “Oh, Daddy, you are so dickless.”

Dad: *completely shocked face, says nothing*

(I laughed until I cried and tried to explain what she was trying to say.)

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Stripped Of Your Punchline

| USA | Popular, Siblings

(My sister’s boyfriend’s family has to go out-of-state to visit a dying relative. They ask her to dog-sit while they’re gone. She’s telling me about it.)

Sister: “Yeah, they’re paying me $200, which is pretty sweet. [Boyfriend’s Mom] and I joked about her paying me in $1 bills, like a stripper. I wish [Boyfriend] wasn’t gonna be gone the whole time.”

(They all finally come home, and my sister of course goes over to see her boyfriend.)

Sister: “Remember how I told you about joking about my payment?”

Me: “Yeah…”

Sister: *silently pulls out an envelope and opens it, $200 in singles*

Me: *bursts out laughing*

Sister: “I DIDN’T THINK SHE’D ACTUALLY DO IT!”

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Almost Fatherly

| Felton, DE, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m visiting my dad and helping him around the house after his triple-bypass when we get to talking about family. I don’t remember the specific comment I had made, but this was his response. As a note, this is my biological father and I have no other father.)

Dad: “Well, you know I’ve known you almost your whole life.”

Me: “What?”

Dad: *realizing what he just said* “Well, there had to be some point where you were alive and I didn’t know you!”

Me: “I don’t think in utero counts.”

Dad: “Yeah, true, I still knew you then… But still. I’ve known you almost your whole life.”