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Sarcasm Squared

| New Zealand | Parents & Guardians

(My dad refers to setting up laptops and gaming consoles and whatnot as ‘Setting Up Base Camp.’ The following ensues.)

Dad: “Are you boys gonna set up base camp?”

Me: “No, Dad, we’re gonna go to bed.”

Dad: “Good.”

(Pause.)

Me: “Dad, I’m not sure you understand sarcasm.”

Dad: *without missing a beat* “You didn’t understand my sarcasm at your sarcasm.”

Me: “Touché…”

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Doesn’t Have The Routine Down Pat

| Australia | Siblings

(It’s my time of the month and this always makes me feel feverish and fussy. My sister and I are sitting next to each other on the couch.)

Me: “[Sister], hug me!”

Sister: “D’awwww!” *gets up to hug me*

Me: “But don’t touch me!”

Sister: “Okay…?”

(She hovers over me with her arms open.)

Me: “No, you’re too close.”

Sister: “Then what am I supposed to do?! Pat you?”

Me: “Yes!”

(She starts to pat my head.)

Me: “But not too hard! And not too long!”

Sister: “You’re really not making this easy!”

Me: “Okay, that’s too much pats!

(She let’s out an exasperated sigh and goes back to her spot on the couch.)

Me: “Thank you!”

Sister: “Sure.”

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I Donut Believe It

| Pine Mountain, GA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My mother has just returned from grocery shopping. I’m helping her put up the purchases.)

Me: *pulls box of creme-filled donuts out of bag* “Hey, you got donuts!”

Mom: “Yep. I haven’t bought any in a long time.”

Me: *counts donuts* “All of them are still there! That also hasn’t happened in a long time.”

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Me And My Roommouse

| Boston, MA, USA | Pets & Animals, Siblings

(My older brother moved out of his apartment a month early, but still had to pay last month’s rent to get his security deposit. I end up moving in for that last month until I can move into my own apartment the next month. One of the first nights, I see a mouse. I’m scared and hoping this happened to my brother and he has some trick to get rid of it.)

Me: *to Brother through text* “There’s a mouse in your apartment!”

(I sit there silently panicking for about ten minutes until he finally send a message.)

Brother: “Did you name it yet?”

(I did end up naming it Mr. Mousey.)

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That Same Old (Fashioned) Argument Again

| Norway | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians

(My name, though popular in some countries, is very unusual and old-fashioned here, and people have a tendency to pronounce and even spell it wrong. My mum is telling me the story of how I got my name. Note: I have two older brothers, who’ve both been born by this point.)

Grandma: *to my mum* “You know, all my daughters say I have such a pretty name, but none of you have had the decency to name your daughter after me!”

Mum: *just trying to calm her* “No need to make a fuss. I’ll name my daughter after you.”

Grandma: *in a huff* “Yeah, you can say that. You’re not having more kids!”

(My parents had settled on having two kids, but lo and behold, Mum got pregnant again. She really didn’t want to name me after Grandma, but being the stubborn woman she was, Grandma did not let it go.)

Mum: “I can’t name a little baby [Name]. It’s so old-fashioned and unusual. It wouldn’t be fair to a little girl.”

Grandma: “Well, you promised. And for your information, that little girl will actually be an adult for most of her life!”