A Problem To Be Licked

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Pets & Animals, Popular

(I’m with my 90-pound dog on the couch, asking if he recognizes names.)

Me: “Who’s mommy?”

Dog: *smacks me in the face with a fist sized paw, then licks me in the face*

Me: “That is not how you show me who I am! STOP LICKING ME!”


Ooooh, Self-Burn!

| Chicago, IL, USA | Cousins, Popular

(My three-year-old cousin is over. My mother has just had a grease fire at the stove, with flames licking the microwave. Eventually it calms down by itself, and my mother is watching the stove and too absorbed to watch my cousin. I’m sitting so that I am facing away, but still in the vicinity of, the kitchen, when my cousin begins trying to walk towards it. I hold my hands out in front of him.)

Me: “No, no, you can’t do that.”

Cousin: “Why?”

Me: “You’ll burn yourself.”

Cousin: “Oh.”

(He goes quiet for maybe 10 seconds. Then:)

Cousin: “Can I burn myself?”

Me: “No, you cannot.”


The True Horror Is The Consistency

| CA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My dad and I are watching a horror movie on Netflix. I’m not really fond of horror movies and I have a habit of talking during shows. I pause when the characters run out of gas.)

Dad: “They ran out of gas.”

Me: “Did she even check the gas mileage?”

Dad: “She’s just like your mom. She just takes off and go without checking.”

Me: “They were at a town. A perfect time to get gas and go to the restroom.”

Dad: “I think they’re in the middle of the road.”

Me: “No, they’re on the side of the road.”

(I play the movie and a few minutes later, a weird noise is coming up. I pause it.)

Me: “Did they even hear that noise?”

Dad: “Yeah, that’s why they’re leaving.”

(I play the movie when they three leads start running and one character just trips and fall down.)

Me: “Oh, you tripped over nothing.”

Dad: “Not even halfway through the movie and she’s already injured.”

Me: “Lady, you’re not even wearing high heels.” *I play the movie*