You Were The Best Of Kids, You Were The Worst Of Kids

| OK, USA | Sons & Daughters

(I am part of a group of volunteers that leads walks downtown explaining the history of our city. This happens after our most popular tour and my first time as a group leader. I’d led two groups, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Both went quite well.)

Me: “Not one person in either group had been on this tour before. So, I was definitely the best downtown tour-guide any of them had ever had!”

Daughter: *without missing a beat* “And the worst, mom.”

Me: “Thanks, kid.”

Inventing Non-Existent Daddy Issues

| Canada | Children, Nephews & Nieces

(My boyfriend and I are babysitting my three-year-old nephew, but this is not the first time my boyfriend has been around him.)

Nephew: “Is that your dad?”

Me: “No, that’s my boyfriend. That’s your uncle. That’s Uncle [Boyfriend].”

Nephew: “Oh. Uncle [Boyfriend]?”

Me: “Yes. He’s my boyfriend. Like your mom and dad.”

Nephew: “Oh.”

(A few months later I am at my brother’s house without Boyfriend.)

Nephew: “Where’s your dad?”

Me: *slightly confused* “Well he’s back at his— Wait a second. Who do you think my dad is?”

Nephew: “The guy from your house!”

(I show him a few pictures on my phone.)

Me: “Can you show me which one my dad is?”

(He points to Boyfriend.)

Me: “No, that’s not my dad. That’s Uncle [Boyfriend].”

Nephew: “Oh. Uncle [Boyfriend]?”

(A few months after that, we are visiting Boyfriend at work, and Boyfriend has to leave the area to get something.)

Nephew: “Where’d your dad go?”

Me: “No, that’s not— He went downstairs.”

Graded ‘A’ For Amputation

| Canada | Parents & Guardians

(I’m doing my science homework.)

Me: “What’s a non-reversible physical change in your everyday life?”

Mom: “Getting your leg chopped off.”

I Get Nowhere

| Austria | Boyfriends & Girlfriends, Children, Nephews & Nieces

Sister: “So, [My Boyfriend], what do you earn at your new job?”

Boyfriend: “I get—”

Nephew: “MAMA!”

Boyfriend: “I get—”

Nephew: *drops something*

Boyfriend: “I get—”

Nephew: *slips and falls*

Boyfriend: “I get—”

Nephew: “There’s a ghost!” *runs out of the room*

Me: “Quick, while he’s out of the room!”

Boyfriend: “I get—”

Nephew: *running through the door* “Hooo-hooo!”

Getting On The Wrong Side Of His History

| USA | Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(I am telling my parents about what I am learning in elementary school, in history class.)

Dad: “When I was your age, I didn’t learn as much history in school.”

Me: “Oh, right. Because there was less history back then.”

(I honestly did not understand what was wrong with my comment.)