When Spiders Learn To Use Knives

| New Zealand | Parents & Guardians

(I have arachnophobia, which means I have a fear of arachnids — spiders, scorpions, etc. As of recently, there has been a spider in the corner of our bathroom and I have been madly dashing in and out whenever I want to use it. One day, the spider apparently vanishes but when I open the door it’s dangling in front of me. I slide under it, hit the wall, and tell Mum.)

Mum: “Look. You shouldn’t be scared of spiders. They can’t hurt you. You’re a lot bigger than them!”

Me: “Mum. That is like standing in front of a disturbed person wielding a knife and saying, ‘I’m better than you! You can’t hurt me because I have the moral high ground!”

Mum: “Point taken…”

This Kind Of Drama Is Foreign To Me

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m watching a foreign show with no English subtitles when my mum comes home. She doesn’t understand the language. Also, unlike American shows, it’s very conservative. For example, it is very normal for romantic couples never to kiss on screen.)

Mom: “What’s happening there?”

Me: “The hero is fighting the bad guy and his lackeys.”

(One guy is killed. Another runs off leaving the guy left yelling.)

Mom: “What did the bad guy do?”

Me: “Killed his dad.”

(The guy remaining is killed, with overkill. The runner is ignored.)

Mum: “Looks like that one was the dad killer. I’d certainly stab someone multiple times if they killed my dad.”

Me: “Yup, he was.”

(A girl then runs over and lightly hugs the hero. They then leave, while flashbacks of the two are shown.)

Mom: “Sister or friend?”

Me: “No, wife.”

Mom: “They don’t act like a couple at all! Where’s the kiss? And they stand and sit far from each other every time!”

School Supplies Are Locked In

| TN, USA | Parents & Guardians

(It’s the day before school starts. My mom sends me to our garage to dig for supplies before we go to the store to see what we have and what we need. While I am digging, my dad comes to the garage.)

Me: “Oh, hey.”

Dad: “Hey. What are you doing down here?”

Me: “Looking for school supplies, you?”

Dad: *opens freezer* “Looking for chicken.” *brandishes pack of chicken legs*

Me: “Okay.” *continues digging*

Dad: *goes back upstairs*

(I grabbed the folders and the pack of pencils I found and turn to go back upstairs.)

Me: *turns door handle and unsuccessfully tries to open door* “Oh, crap, it’s locked.” *patting my pockets in search of my phone* “Mom? Dad?” *knocks on door* “Mom? I’m locked in!”

(Luckily, my brother’s room is right next to the garage.)

Brother: *unlocks door* “Are you okay?”

Me: “Yeah. Thank you.” *walks upstairs*

Mom: “Were you calling for me?”

Me: “Yeah, I got locked in.”

Mom: *covers her mouth to stifle laughter*

Dad: *sheepishly* “Sorry about that…”

The Month Of Yoghurt Is Frozen

| Sheffield, England, UK | Parents & Guardians

(My mum and I are relaxing and chatting on the sofa one evening I’m visiting, when my mum decides to get a box of fancy dates that she has and share them out between us. Fast forward a few hours and, as I am seven months pregnant, pregnancy brain is getting to me and I am extremely forgetful. Mum is a little too far away from the dates, which I had pulled over to me a few minutes before.)

Mum: “[My Name], would you give me a date, please?”

Me: “27th of May?” *due date*

Mum: “No! A food date.”

Me: “27th of… yoghurt?”

(Pause.)

Mum: “Why are you my daughter?”

Me: “Pregnancy brain!”

(Pause.)

Mum: “Can I have that date now?”

Me: “Hm? Oh, right!”

Mum: “This baby had better be worth it!”

(Five months later and my adorable baby daughter is definitely worth it!)

Holy Mental Imagery, Batman!

| Jersey Shore, NJ, USA | Siblings

(My sister and I are both huge nerds. This came up when we were talking about The Lego Batman Movie which she loved and which I didn’t want to see.)

Me: “Kevin Conroy is the only Batman I love.”

Sister: “Whoa, way to snub Adam West.”

Me: “Adam West was a great Batman but there is only room in my heart for one.”

Sister: “I will personally shove Adam West in there even if he has to fit up Conroy’s butt.”