(I have just gotten my wisdom teeth out. The dentist has warned my father that I’ll be pretty loopy until the anaesthesia wears off. He helps me up the stairs to my bedroom.)
Dad: “How are you feeling, honey?”
Me: “Great! Yesh – wai-… no… I hafta…um…thing.”
Me: “Thing… with the…”
(Without any other warning, I lean forward and vomit up the blood I swallowed during the operation, onto my dad’s feet.)
Dad: “Oh… thing.”
(We adopted our dog five years ago when she was about eight months old. When we brought her home she was quite shy, but she has since matured into a much more confident dog with some rather amusing quirks.)
Me: “[Dog], you’re such a weirdo. How is it that out of all the dogs at the shelter we brought home the weird one?”
Brother: “I think [Dog] is a case of nurture over nature.”
Me: “Knowing our family, you’re absolutely right.”
(My husband and I are at his parents’ house. He and his dad have fixed a pressure washer, and are trying to put it back together. We’ve watching them struggle with a particular part for almost an hour, getting frustrated to the point of cussing, and involving screwdrivers and pliers in an attempt to get it to fit.)
Mother-In-Law: “Do you mind if we look at it? A fresh pair of eyes might help.”
(We pick up the part they were trying to put back in, spend about 15 seconds looking at it, turn it around, and slide it right in.)
Me: “What would they do without us?”
(I have beautiful relationship with my two sons, who both maintain that I am greatest woman alive. My older sister, whom we love very much, never had such luck with her own children. One Christmas, we sit together, and get a bit emotional.)
Sister: “You know, sis, I never ever envied you anything… Except your two boys and your nice house.”
Me: “Sis… You do realize, that this is literally EVERYTHING I have in this world?”
(Sister started crying, saying that she felt extremely stupid. She is not.)
My sons are 11 and 13. They fight constantly and usually the older boy wins; this is one of the few times that the younger boy scored points.
Older Boy (after beating a boss level on his video game): Yeah! I’m the O.G.!
Younger Boy: No, you’re the Emo-G (emoji).