Don’t Go Into Her Dreams

| Chicago, IL, USA | Popular, Siblings

(My sister, her friend, and I are in my living room watching the movie ‘Inception,’ which she asked to watch. This happens during the opening scenes where Leonardo DiCaprio is speaking to Ken Watanabe.)

Sister: “Have they snorted crack out of a butt yet?”

Me: *speechless, unsure what’s she’s mentioning*

Sister: “Wait, isn’t this Wolf of Wall Street?”

Me: *groans and hits my forehead* “No. No, this is Inception. Which you asked for by name.”


Not So Smartphone: The Musical

| Bristol, England, UK | Parents & Guardians

(I’m suddenly woken by my mum coming into my room holding her phone, some kind of music coming from it.)

Mum: “Can you hear that? Where is it coming from?”

Me: *disorientated from being woken up* “What? No?”

Mum: “Oh.”

(She goes to leave and I suddenly realise what’s going on.)

Me: “Mum, the music is coming from your phone.”


The Scientific Method

| Kirkland, WA, USA | Children, Popular, Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

(My husband and I are in the living room, where our two-year-old is playing on the floor. I make a comment saying something is “magic” and my husband isn’t really paying attention. Note: My in-laws believe magic, amongst many other things, is evil.)

Me: “I probably shouldn’t use the ‘M’ word in case, ya know, we want him to get along with your mom.”

Husband: “The ‘M’ word?”

Me: “Magic.”

Husband: “Oh, you’re right. We probably shouldn’t teach him that. Instead we’ll teach him the ‘S’ word!”

Me: *confused look*

Husband: “Science!”

Me: *pause* “This is totally going on Not Always Related.”


Who Is The Most Shameful?

| USA | Aunts & Uncles, Popular

(My uncle, aunt, and their two sons are visiting. My brother, I, and my cousins are playing soccer in the backyard. For some reason, they decide to team up against me, and I manage to get past them and score a goal. Note: I’m around 10 years old in this story, and my cousins are a bit older).

Uncle: “Wow! Shame on you! You all lost to a girl! Shame!”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Uncle: “Well, um, I need to get something from the kitchen…”

(Cue a weekend of my uncle making sexist comments and me innocently questioning them. I think I made him very uncomfortable, but I sure enjoyed it!)


Skipped A To E

| Bridgeport, CT, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular, Siblings

(This story took place when I was a teenager. My youngest brother and I have been waging a prank war all week; it’s important to know that I’ve always been a huge goody two-shoes while he has a tendency to take things too far. One day, as I’m walking by the couch, he reaches out and tugs on my braid, and I end up slipping and landing on my tailbone pretty hard.)

Me: “F***!”

(At first he’s shocked, but then starts laughing, and I beg him not to tell our parents, who aren’t home at the time. He promises not to… until we’re driving home from a relative’s house the next day, of course.)

Youngest Brother: “Mom, she swore yesterday.”

Me: “It just slipped out and—”

Mom: “It’s okay. [Youngest Brother], we all know how responsible your sister is, right?” *to me* “You’re getting older, and I understand you might use those kinds of words when you’re angry or joking around. As long as it’s not someplace inappropriate, or in front of certain people, okay?”

Me: *immensely relieved* “Of course.”

(We drive in silence for a minute or two, with me having completely forgotten about the hair-pulling that led to the incident.)

Mom: *with a bit of a laugh* “I don’t think your father will believe it, though. What did you say?”

Youngest Brother: *before I can reply* “The F-word!”

(We all jerk forward slightly as my mother hits the breaks in shock.)

Mom: “I’ll admit, that wasn’t the one I expected to be your first.”