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Grandma Is Best Left Alone

| USA | Grandparents, Popular

(I am four. My mom leaves me with my father’s mom while she and my dad go to work. Grandma is very superstitious. My mom notices after a while that I will fuss and not want to go, but figures I am just being a brat. One day, she comes to pick me up.)

Mom: “How was she? Was she a good girl?”

Grandma: “Oh, yes, she behaved herself, though a bit stubborn. I must say, you’ve got to stop letting her use her left hand!”

Mom: *confused* “What? Yes, she is left-handed.”

Grandma: “That’s evil! Left-handers are cursed by the devil! Everyone knows this. They’ll never function properly. I tried to teach her to use her right hand instead, but she wouldn’t! No matter how hard I spanked her.”

Mom: *jaw drops, eyes bug out* “What?! You spanked her? For that?!”

Grandma: “Left-handers are EVIL! They need the demons to be beat out!”

(Horrified that I was punished for something I couldn’t control, my mom ran and told my dad. Dad spoke to his mom, who still didn’t understand why Mom was disagreeing with her superstition. Mom found another babysitter and has hated Grandma ever since.)

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Had Your Fill Of Jacksonville

| Gainesville, FL, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(It’s a week before I am due to get my wisdom teeth removed. I’ve never been under anesthesia and I’m both worried and excited because I’ve seen plenty of videos of people acting loopy after their tooth extraction. I’ve asked a friend to help my dad watch me after the surgery, but my dad, who has undergone many surgeries before, thinks I am overreacting.)

Dad: “Look, you’ll just be confused for half an hour then you’ll be fine. You don’t need a bunch of supervision or help. You’re being such a wuss about this!”

Me: “Hey, I’ve never had a procedure where I’ve been knocked out before! We both know I do dangerous things a little too casually when I’m normal every day. What if I try to do them while on the painkillers?”

Dad: “You’ll be fine. I’ve been knocked out plenty of times for surgery and had to take painkillers afterwards, and I am perfectly normal.”

Me: “Oh, really? What about the Jacksonville incident?”

Dad: “What incident?”

Me: “Exactly. You were so messed up after the surgery that when there was fluid buildup you called me during class, swore at me enough to make a sailor’s ears bleed, had me follow [Girlfriend] all the way to Jacksonville, called me a f***ing c*** whenever you saw me, made me pose with you for a selfie before they took you back in, after you woke up told me to fly to Puerto Rico to pick up your dress suit for an Italian wedding, and had to be watched for 24 hours afterwards.”

Dad: “I don’t remember that.”

Me: “[Girlfriend] recorded some of it. It’s quite memorable for us.”

Dad: “Okay… you can have your friend babysit you, too.”

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Keeping The Tears Under (Volume) Control

| UK | Children, Sons & Daughters

(We are at a family friend’s house where my older sister is playing with her friend and my mum is sitting with her friend’s mum downstairs. I am about three. My mum here’s me crying and goes upstairs to investigate. She finds me by myself, crying.)

Mum: “Are you okay? I heard you crying.”

Me: “Yes. I cried loud enough so you could hear.”

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My Father The Zero

| AB, Canada | Children, Popular

(While I am putting my four-year-old son to bed, the following conversation happens:)

Son: “Mom, I love you. When I grow up, can I marry you?”

Me: “I love you, too, but no, you can’t marry me.”

Son: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, for two reasons. One, sons aren’t allowed to marry their mommies. And two, I’m already married.”

Son: *looking completely surprised* “To who?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “I’ll give you a hint. You call him Dad.”

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Tooth Fairy On Double Duty

| Burlington, MA, USA | Children

(I am around six, playing in the basement/toy room, and get the bright idea to stick a toy sword in my mouth and swing my head around. A minute later, one of my teeth is on the floor.)

Me: “MOM! My tooth FELL out!”

(Mom made sure I’m okay, then took me into the office, where we put my tooth into an envelope for the Tooth Fairy. I headed back downstairs, and put the sword BACK IN MY MOUTH. A few minutes later, there was another tooth in the envelope. I did not put the sword in my mouth again after that.)