Happy Horror-days

| Springfield, MA, USA | Cousins

(I was discussing family history with my cousin. She is in her 60s and I am, well, younger.)

Me: “You know our grandfather passed away the same day [Other Cousin] was born. The exact same day.”

Cousin: “We were living in Germany at the time. Nobody notified my mother until Uncle [Name] sent her the news in a Christmas card. He even sent her a photo of Grandfather in his coffin.”

Me: “For real?”

The Cantaloupe Of The Serengeti

| MI, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(My little brother is high-functioning autistic and sometimes asks for the weirdest things. He also mixes up words that sound alike if he doesn’t stop and think about what he wants to say.)

Brother: “Hey, mom, can you take me to Michael’s to buy some of those little, plastic animals like deer, cows, and cantaloupe?”

Mother: “Cantaloupe?”

Brother: “I meant antelope!”

Putting The Pedal To The Heavy Metal

| MI, USA | Siblings

(I’m driving with my sister and I have to hit the brakes to stop at a red light just as ‘Master of Puppets’ comes on.)

Sister: “Do not hit your brakes when Metallica comes on! That is unacceptable!”

Me: “Would you rather I blow through a red light and into the intersection so we get t-boned by oncoming traffic?”

(My sister stares blankly before answering with a straight face:)

Sister: “At least that would be more metal than hitting the brakes and stopping.”

Boob-eyes!

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(I am a 12-year-old girl and am watching a movie with my parents. Suddenly a scene where a woman shows her boobs shows up.)

Mom: “Agh!” *covers my eyes*

Me: “Mom, it’s just women’s boobs!” *sits away* “I’ve seen yours, and it’s no big deal.”

Mom: “It’s naughty and you’re a child!”

Me: “Besides, I don’t see you covering up Dad’s eyes.”

(We look at Dad, who’s watching eagerly.)

Mom: “Dad can look. He’s a man… Men can watch boobs.”

Me: “That makes no sense at all.”

Mom: “Just don’t look! Agh!”

(To this day, I still don’t know why she covered my eyes and not Dad’s. Oh, well.)

Directing Your Insults

| Birmingham, England, UK | Siblings

(I am at home with my brother. I am about ten and he is around seventeen. He is looking after me and I am pretending I am a movie star.)

Me: “You can be director. You would be a good director in real life too.”

Brother: “Why’s that? Because I’m fun and creative?”

Me: “No, because you are good at sitting on your bum and yelling at people.”

Meet The Clumsy Family

| Boise, ID, USA | Sons & Daughters, Spouses & Partners

(My husband and I are painfully clumsy. I’m upstairs playing games with my toddler when I hear my husband start walking up the steps. A few seconds pass then I hear a loud thud followed by a string of obscenities. Concerned, I rush out to find my husband picking himself up off the stairs. His bright red drink is spilled all over the carpet, the noodles are everywhere, and even a small bowl of cereal has lost a teensy bit of milk.)

Me: *concerned* “What happened?! Did you really just fall UP the stairs?! And why is there a small bowl of cereal?”

Husband: *long string of curses, then grumbling* “Just shut up and help me clean this d*** mess up. I brought the cereal for [Son].”

(Obliging him I lean over to help him by picking up the small bowl. Somehow I instead manage to dump the entire bowl out onto the carpet. Freezing for a second I look to my husband in panic only to find him looking at me with the most exasperated look on his face.)

Husband: “Really, babe? Seriously?”

Me: *burst into giggles*

Husband: *grudgingly starts smiling*

(We pick through the mess and get it mostly cleaned up. Our son, meanwhile, has been standing at the top of the steps solemnly watching us. Upon seeing that we are just about finished he lets out a high pitched screech and runs headlong down the hallway towards his room. Somehow though he manages to complete bypass the wide open doorway and instead happens to SLAM his left shoulder into the foot of his bed, ricochet off to the right and hit the door with his right arm, bounce off of that back to left, before finally, somehow, managing to trip over the leg of the bed and landing directly onto his face.)

Son: *rubbing the BACK of his head* “Ow. My head hurt.” *sits up and grins*

Husband: *throws his hands in the air* “That’s it. I give up. I don’t even know why I even bothered getting married or having kids.” *walks off while trying not to show that he’s laughing*

(Yeah, we’re all still just as clumsy.)