The Shouting Makes Him Enfilade

| Detroit, MI, USA | Children, In-Laws, Nephews & Nieces, Siblings

(I am a retired Marine, and I have never lost the habit of using military terminology. My five-year-old nephew has taken his bath and is on the family room sofa, lying pressed up against the cushions so that he can’t be seen from the kitchen.)

Brother-In-Law: “Where’s [Nephew]?”

Me: “He’s in defilade.”

Nephew: *yelling* “No, I’m not! I’m in my underwear!”

Sprouting Common Sense

| London, England, UK | Parents & Guardians

(My dad is very intelligent but somehow manages to do daft things. He is relating to me the story of his work’s Christmas dinner when the following happens:)

Dad: “It was really very good. They had a great vegetarian option and I got plenty of brussels sprouts!”

Me: “Well, great. I know you like sprouts.”

Dad: “Yes, but they took it away before I was finished!”

Me: “That’s terrible. Was there some kind of time limit on how long you could have your sitting?”

Dad: “Not that I knew… Everyone else was on dessert but I was still working on my main course, so I got up to speak to people who had finished and when I came back it was gone!”

(It can sometimes take him AGES to eat a meal. Since he doesn’t like sweets or desserts he will usually make his main course last the length of the whole meal.)

Me: “Dad… let me get this right. You got up from your seat in the middle of a meal, walked around talking to other people who had finished their meals, and were surprised that the wait staff took this as an indication you had finished?”

Dad: “But… uh… um, right… That does make sense!”

Mom Has Good BiFi

| ON, Canada | LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(I’m 26, female, and engaged to a man, but have finally come out as bisexual after a decade of trying to deny myself. My fiancé takes it extremely well and I’m preparing to come out to my family. I’m talking to my mom on the phone.)

Me: “Yeah, if anything ever did happen to me and [Fiancé], I’m just gonna live a life of sex, gaming, cosplaying, and nerdiness…” *decides to let the bomb drop* “…either with a guy or a girl.”

Mom: “Okay.”

Me: “Mom, I’m bi.”

Mom: “I know.”

Me: *was not expecting that at all* “WHAT?! HOW?!”

Mom: “I’m your MOTHER! I KNOW EVERYTHING! I’ve had a feeling ever since you were fifteen!”

(I will never ever again deny the power of a mother’s senses.)

Mammal Superiority Complex

| Charlottetown, PEI, Canada | Cousins

(While visiting my cousin’s house, this conversation comes up.)

Me: “Did you hear they recently found a dinosaur tail embedded in amber?”

Cousin: “Dinosaurs didn’t exist.”

(I just stare at her for a few seconds.)

Me: “Then, what do you think all those fossils are?”

Cousin: “Mammals.”

Me: “The only mammals at the time were small rat-like creatures.”

Cousin: “Maybe it was rats.”

Me: “What kind of rats have feathers?”

Cousin: “Maybe it was birds.”

Me: “While dinosaurs are very similar to birds they are very lizard like.”

Cousin: “Maybe it was giant lizards.”

(I left shortly after that.)

It Is A Sadistic Certainty

| Chicago, IL, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m looking at the list of available classes for my senior year of high school. My mom is helping me.)

Me: *reaches math section* “What about math?”

Mom: “Well, you’ve done algebra and trigonometry. I don’t want you in sadistics — I mean, statistics.”

Me: “That wasn’t a slip, was it?”

Mom: “Well, you can take that… or just cry.”

Me: “Can’t I do both?”