But That IS What It Means

| TX, USA | Siblings

(I’m with my sister, about to go shopping. I call shotgun and hop in the front seat. As she’s sitting in the back…)

Sister: “Why do they call it shotgun?”

Me: *sarcastically* “Because whoever rides shotgun is responsible for holding the gun.”

Sister: “Really?!”

Me: “Yeah, driver drives. Shotgun shoots people.”

Sister: ‘Oh… that makes sense.”

(She’s so gullible sometimes. It’s too easy.)


That “Stuff” Is Gross

| UK | Cousins, LGTBQ

(My cousin from away has visited us. He has just found out that my brother is gay and is unusually keen to understand more.)

Cousin: *suddenly* “What does it taste like?”

Brother: *lifting his head up from a book and noticing who [Cousin] talking to* “What does what taste like?”

Cousin: “You know, the stuff.”

Brother: “What stuff?”

Cousin: “The… semen?”

Brother: “I’m fourteen.”

Cousin: “So?”

Brother: “I’m a virgin.”

Cousin: “Can’t you taste your own?”

(My brother suddenly had a deer in the headlights moment before retiring to his bedroom. My cousin never got an answer. I still don’t know if he tasted his own “stuff.”)


Your Language Takes A Mass Defect

| Adelaide, SA, Australia | Parents & Guardians

(This takes place a few years after a trilogy ended and there has recently been trailers for a new instalment of the game. My brother and I are discussing it at home.)

Brother: “The trailer looks fun but it’s all pre-rendered stuff. I’ll wait for the gameplay videos before I get excited.”

Me: “Same. Some of the story stuff looks good but we both remember how the last one went.”

Brother: “You know, I saw all the backlash for that ending but it wasn’t too bad for what I played.”

Me: “That’s f****** bull-s***! You played after they gave free-lc to patch the ending because it was completely nonsensical and bloody ridiculous.”

(Five seconds after swearing I remember that mum is home from shopping watching TV in the next room.)

Me: “Sorry, mum, won’t do that again!”

Mum: “Congratulations, you’re cooking dinner for the next week! Including washing up!”

(At this point, Dad speaks up.)

Dad: “To be fair it really was f****** bull-s***.”


Your Opinions Are Trans-Parent

| Seattle, WA, USA | Holidays, LGTBQ, Parents & Guardians

(I am a young woman and home for the holidays. My girlfriend is a source of tension, as my mom is religious and my girlfriend is trans.)

Me: “I will definitely be here for Christmas, but I might spent a day with [Girlfriend].”

Mom: “That’s fine. She’s welcome here, you know.”

Me: “I know, but she doesn’t feel welcome.”

Mom: “Well, I don’t understand why. Oh, by the way, there’s someone new to the area I want to warn you about.”

Me: “Do tell.”

Mom: “There’s this man who wears women’s clothes who hangs out in the library. It wears a really cheap wig, so you can probably spot it. Now, I don’t dislike him for that, but that is how you can identify it.”

(A few minutes later we walk by a woman with a strong jaw.)

Mom: “That was him. Watch out for that guy!”

(Now, why would my girlfriend feel unwelcome, do you think?)


Snatching Away Your Innocence

| UK | Parents & Guardians

(I am playing Harry Potter Trivial Pursuit with my parents, them rather reluctantly, as I am a massive fan.)

Me: “What does Hermione say after being caught by the snatchers?”

Dad: “Ow, my snatchers!”

(Cue a fit of hysterics from me and Mum.)

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