She’s A Pearl Before Swine

| Czech Republic | Popular, Sons & Daughters

(I should mention, that my dad is a former biology teacher turned park ranger, simply out of love for the nature. My 11-year-old daughter, while in no way fat, is a strong, chubby child. One afternoon, when dad is visiting, my daughter comes from school. I notice she is very sad.)

Me: “What´s up, muffin? Was [very mean classmate] picking at you again?”

Daughter: “Well… she said I look like wild swine!”

Dad: *absentmindedly, buried in the newspaper* “Yeah, sounds about right.”

Me And Daughter: *shocked* “DAD!”

Dad: *unperturbed, turning a page* “Strong, courageous, and intelligent animal, who routinely stands up to hungry wolf-pack, and who, when grows up, becomes the most caring mom in the whole forest? Yeah, I´d say it sounds about right.”

Sweet Dispossession

| Germany | Grandparents, Popular

(I am visiting my grandmother and we are talking about current events. Refugees are a pretty big deal at the moment.)

Grandma: “There are so many refugees coming to our country at the moment! What are they thinking? This is our country; they shouldn’t come here and live off our money.”

Me: *completely baffled* “They are coming here so they don’t get killed. I think we should be proud of the fact that so many people see our country as a safe haven.”

Grandma: “Still, they have no right! We don’t even have enough space for them! Those people should stay where they come from!”

Me: “Are you serious?! Grandma, YOU are a refugee!”

(She actually is. During World War Two, her family was forced to leave by soldiers breaking in their house, giving them ten minutes to pack and threatening them to shoot them if they weren’t out of the house and on their way out of the country in the given time. She lived in one of the areas that used to belong to Germany, but now is part of Poland.)

Grandma: “That’s a huge difference! I’m a dispossessed!!”

Me: “Grandma!! If a bomb is dropped on your house, THEN I AM VERY SURE THAT COUNTS AS EXTREMELY DISPOSSESSED!”

(The argument went on for a while, with me showing her news, pictures, and videos from the countries the refugees are fleeing from. She changed her opinion after that.)

Every Time You Get Your Grammar Wrong A Kitten Dies

| Petaluma, CA, USA | Spouses & Partners

(I head out to drop off our child and swing by the store for fresh fish for dinner while my husband stays behind to roast some vegetables and bring in our cats for the night. I return home, my quest for fish unsuccessful.)

Husband: “So what are we going to do for protein? I didn’t get more kitties.”

(Long horrified pause.)

Me: “Punctuation!”

Husband: “So, what are we going to do for protein. Period. Paragraph marker. I didn’t get more kitties. Period.”

Me: “Much better.”

A Chill-ing Thought

| Georgetown, TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I’m trying to explain Netflix And Chill to my parents that way if one of my siblings says it, they know what it means.)

Me: “Netflix And Chill means having sex with Netflix playing in the background.”

Dad: “We do that without Netflix.”

(Cue awkward silence leading to me walking out of the room.)

Kim’s Heart Isn’t In It

| Carmel, IN, USA | Parents & Guardians

(One day I’m feeling a little random and decide to tell my mom I love her in a different way than usual.)

Me: “Mom, I less-than-three you.”

Mom: “Aww… what does less-than-three mean?”

Me: “It means ‘I love you’ because ‘less-than-three’ looks like a heart.”

Mom: “OH! So THAT’S what that means.”

Me: “What did you think it meant?”

Mom: “Kim Kardashian’s a**.”

The ‘Til Undeath’ Virus Is Spreading

| TX, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My father has been stocking up for a zombie apocalypse. He has a piece of land with a few acres and a trailer, a stockpile of food, and various military-type survival things. In addition, we have always joked I’d be the first zombie; because I can open my mouth very wide like the ‘I Am Legend’ zombies. We are discussing his survival plan.)

Dad: “…and of course, I have a cage built and ready for you.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Dad: “Well you know you’ll be the first zombie, because you’ve got the I Am Legend face.”

Me: “So, you’re not going to kill me? You’re going to cage me up?”

Dad: “Yeah, until we find a cure. Until then I’ll just feed you people who irritate me.”

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