The Bagger Can’t Bag Your Baggage

| USA | Parents & Guardians

(My family is finishing checking out at a grocery store when this gem happens.)

Bagger: “Would you like any help out today?”

Mom: *serenely* “I think we’re beyond help, thanks.”

Whole New Meaning To “This Is My Blood”

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(It is near the end of Lent.)

Woman: *clearly in a rush* “Can I buy this?” *practically throwing chocolate bar on conveyor belt*

Me: “Sure.”

(I try to get people like that out of the store as quickly as possible, but the machine decides to freeze at that exact moment. The woman is looking over her shoulder frantically as I call a manager to the front, since it needs his code to reboot. I see a little girl in pigtails run to the front where the woman is and the woman sighs.)

Girl: “MOM! I thought you were giving up chocolate for Lent!”

Woman: “Listen, honey, if Jesus had a period, He wouldn’t give up chocolate either.”

Pretty Sure They’re Nana’s Favorite

| Sweden | Children, Siblings

(I come from a large family: I have four brothers and one sister. Our parents have always been relaxed and natural about sex and nudity and believed in teaching us the correct facts and words about our bodies. I’m 20, and my sister is four. Being the baby of a family with lots of boys, she has already seen her fair share of naked guys of differing ages; no big deal to us. We’re at the grocery store with our mother. Due to the age gap I am often mistaken for my sister’s mother if people see just the two of us together.)

Sister: “What do we get next?”

Me: “We’re off to the candy aisle to get some goodies for Nana.”

Sister: “I know what candy she wants!”

(She runs to the candy aisle, and I go with her, leaving our mother behind. By the pralines, a very posh middle aged lady is standing, carefully examining each box of chocolate, and loudly stating why it’s not good enough. She is very dressed up, lots of perfume and jewelry and quite obviously considers herself too good to be shopping at a bargain store like this one. She keeps snarling and scoffing while my sis searches the shelves for Nana’s favourite candy: chocolate covered marshmallow bananas.)

Sister: *searching* “No, not this one… Not this … Oooh, there it is! This is what Nana likes!”

(She picks up a box; they’re remarkably big for this kind of candy, with a very uneven coat of chocolate.)

Sister: *very loud* “Well, these sure look like penises!”

(A posh lady standing nearby gasps loudly, and puts her hand over her heart in a gesture of great shock and offense.)

Posh Lady: “Well, how are you going to punish this child for being so vulgar in public?”

Me: *takes a look at the box, then firmly locking eyes with the lady* “Yes, [Sister], they definitely do look like penises!”

(As the posh lady scurries away, I make sure to make one last loud remark while she can still hear us.)

Me: “Come on sis, let’s go show Mum the penises we are buying for Nana!”

(To be fair, they truly did look like penises!)

Didn’t Make The Organic Conclusion

| NC, USA | Parents & Guardians

(My father is a meat and potatoes kind of man so while he’ll eat vegetarian food when it’s offered, he doesn’t actively seek it out. This conversation occurs while we are at a health store near an organic restaurant with an admittedly vegetarian sounding name.)

Dad: *holding a take-out menu from the restaurant in question* “You didn’t tell me [Restaurant] had burgers!”

Mom: “Yes; and very good ones. I tried to tell you but you always said ‘No; I don’t want to go to [Restaurant].’”

Dad: “I thought it was a vegetarian place.”

Me: “It’s organic, Dad. Organic and vegetarian aren’t synonymous. Good vegetarian food is usually organic but organic food doesn’t have to be vegetarian.”

(As we go back to the car, my dad continues to express his shock about the restaurant serving meat, including wondering how you get organic bacon.)

Me: “This is so going on NotAlwaysRelated.”

Not Doing The Bulk Of The Parenting

| WA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I am visiting my mom and buying us both a lot of stuff, including one item that takes up most of the cart. We are ready to check out.)

Mom: “I’m going to meet you outside. I need a cigarette.”

Me: “I need help with all this stuff, especially [large item].”

Mom: “I’ll help you with it when you meet me outside.”

Me: “I need you to help me put everything on the belt. There’s too much for me, especially with [large item] in the way.”

Mom: “I told you, I’ll help you after I have a cigarette. Meet me outside when you’re done.”

Me: “In order to get everything in bags in the first place, you need to help me put everything on the conveyor belt and put in your phone number for the rewards.”

(My mom put a couple things on the belt, punched in her number, and went to smoke. The cashier was very helpful with my bulky item and putting the bags around it, though.)

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