The Meat And Potatoes Of Good Parenting

| Waverly, OH, USA | Sons & Daughters

(While shopping, I overhear a three-year-old girl telling her mother:)

Daughter: “I love you more than [Random Name].”

(I hear this over and over, but then it changes:)

Daughter: “I love you more than… MEAT!”

Married To The Bigger Baby

| Houston, TX, USA | Children, Spouses & Partners

(I am standing behind a couple in line at a grocery store. The woman is holding their baby in one arm, and is struggling to work the credit card swiping machine with the one free hand she had. Her husband stands there oblivious to her struggle while looking at his cell phone.)

Wife: “Could you take him please, I’m trying to swipe my card and I need you to hold him real fast.”

Husband: *rolls eyes and goes back to using his phone*

Wife: *raising her voice* “I held this baby for nine months, you can old him for nine seconds!”

Husband: *takes baby looking awkward and embarrassed*

Spamming The Conversation

| HI, USA | Parents & Guardians, Siblings

(Our family is vacationing in Hawaii. Spam is very popular there. It’s sometimes nicknamed ‘Hawaiian Steak,’ so we’ve been seeing a lot of stuff featuring it.)

Brother: “What does SPAM stand for?”

Me: *without missing a beat* “Scientifically Processed Animal Matter.”

Mom: “It is not!”

(We looked it up later and found that the origin of the name is a company secret. None of us could prove ourselves right, but I bet I wasn’t!)

Lactose And Glucose And Gluten, Oh My!

| NC, USA | Aunts & Uncles

(I’m at the grocery store when I bump into my great-aunt. It’s been a couple months since we last talked.)

Great-Aunt: *gestures to the bread in my basket* “So, you’re still doing the glucose thing?”

Me: “Uh, what do you mean?”

Great-Aunt: “The bread and milk thing. The glucose intolerance.”

Me: “I’m lactose intolerant, if that’s what you mean. That’s just milk, though.”

Great-Aunt: “Oh! What is glucose, then?

Me: “Sugar, as in ‘blood sugar.’ I thought you were asking if I was diabetic!”

(We share a laugh.)

Great-Aunt: “But seriously, what’s the thing with the bread called? The intolerance?”

Me: “That’s gluten, not glucose.”

Mom Has An Axe To Grind

| PA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(While on a quick trip to the grocery store, my cousin randomly decides to spray me with some body spray while we’re in the personal hygiene aisle. When my family all meets back at the car…)

Mom: “Okay, which one of you smells like a douchebag?”

Treating Mom Like An Answering Machine

| Columbia, MD, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Sons & Daughters

(I swing by the grocery store after work to pick up a few things and overhear this.)

Two Little Girls: Mom! Mom! Mommy! Moooooooom! Moooooooommmmmyyyyyyyyy! Mom!

Mother: “Mommy’s not here right now. Leave a message at the beep. Beep!”

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