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Wasn’t Egg-specting That

| WI, USA | Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals

(I live out in a fairly rural area, and thus keep a variety of animals for basic needs (cows for milk, chickens for eggs, etc.) so don’t have to drive several miles to the store for groceries all the time. On this particular day my boyfriend’s parents are coming over for dinner and, as a surprise, say they’ll be doing the cooking. Since this means my boyfriend and I have time to head out on one of our monthly treks for feed and supplies, we leave them to the kitchen duties, and come home to a nicely laid table and the scents of something very delicious in the air.)

Me: “Wow, smells like you two outdid yourselves!”

Boyfriend’s Mom: “Yep! Dig in!” [Boyfriend’s Father] is just washing his hands and cleaning up from butchering.”

Me: “Butchering?”

(I get a better look at the table, and notice the centerpiece a huge, steaming plate of roast chickens.)

Me: “That’s… wait… Where did you get the chickens from?”

Boyfriend’s Mom: “From your pen. Good timing, too! Those babies were all nice and plump and perfect!”

Me: *now horrified* “My… my pen!? Those are my chickens?”

Boyfriend’s Mom: “What are you shouting for? What’s the problem?”

Boyfriend: “Mom, those chickens were for our egg supply!”

Me: “They had names!”

Boyfriend’s Mom: “You assign names to your meat?”

(Needless to say, dinner ended up being cancelled and my boyfriend’s parents weren’t allowed to visit for a long time. They still have trouble understanding that there are other reasons for keeping animals than just to eat them.)

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Don’t Have A Cow, Mom

| USA | Aunts & Uncles, Grandparents, Popular

(My cousin has moved to property in a rural area. Not long after she moves, my grandmother stays with her for a few days. When she gets back she is gushing about the animals my cousin now has.)

Grandmother: “They have horses for each of them; even the little ones are learning to ride. Oh, and they have the cutest little calves. The kids have named them Bill and Ben.”

Dad: “With names like Bill and Ben, they aren’t going to get much in the way of milk out of them.”

Grandmother: “Don’t be silly. They got them for the kids to play with.”

(It’s quite a while before she visits my cousin again. When they get back my Aunt gleefully tells us the story.)

Aunt: “We arrived just before dinnertime and [Cousin] had cooked a beautiful meal for us. Mom was raving about how lovely and tender the meat was, then made the mistake of asking what it was. [Cousin] looked at her plate and said ‘I don’t know. It could be Bill or it could be Ben. I can’t tell the difference any more.’ You should have heard Mom scream and she refused to eat any meat from then on.”

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Chicken Shouldn’t Have Come Home To Roost

| IA, USA | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians, Popular

(When my mom was little, one year she got a chick for Easter. When it grew up, she gave it to her grandparents who lived on a farm, and she would go and visit it. One visit, she couldn’t find it.)

Mom: “Where’s my pet chicken?”

Grandmother: “Remember that fried chicken you had last time you were here?”

Cell Your Life Away

| Petaluma, CA, USA | Children, Friends, Sons & Daughters

(My eight-year-old daughter has been begging for a cell phone, and is jealous of her 11-year-old friend who just got her first cell, an older iPhone. My husband and I take them both to a local farm.)

Me: “[Friend], your phone’s falling out of your pocket; you should have left it in the car.”

Friend: “But I’m taking pictures of the kittens.”

Me: “I guess that’s reasonable.”

Daughter: “And her mom called her.”

Me: “Oh, why’d she call?”

Friend: “She just wanted to make sure we got here.”

Me: “Nope, we sold you to sea traders.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Daughter: “Mom? If we do sell her, can I have her phone?”

Daddy Has To Pony Up For Another One

| MA, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals, Sons & Daughters

(My sister is 8 and I’m 4. We’ve grown up around horses riding our dad’s since before we could walk. My oldest sister had just gotten a free pony after begging for her own for years. My dad isn’t happy but has agreed to keep the pony. It’s winter, just after a snow storm and my sister has been thrown from the pony into a huge snow pile. I’m laughing at her.)

Sister: “I’d like to see you do any better!”

Me: “Bet I can!”

(I get on the pony and she takes off trying to get me off by turning sharp and getting almost too close to trees. She finally slides to a stop, causing me to lean forward before, rearing up and throwing me into a frozen water trough.)

Mom: “That pony’s sure got good aim.”

Dad: “Good. Now maybe they’ll stop asking us for pets.”

Me: “Daddy, I want a better pony!”

Dad: “D*** it!”

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