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Don’t Have A Cow, Mom

| USA | Aunts & Uncles, Grandparents, Popular

(My cousin has moved to property in a rural area. Not long after she moves, my grandmother stays with her for a few days. When she gets back she is gushing about the animals my cousin now has.)

Grandmother: “They have horses for each of them; even the little ones are learning to ride. Oh, and they have the cutest little calves. The kids have named them Bill and Ben.”

Dad: “With names like Bill and Ben, they aren’t going to get much in the way of milk out of them.”

Grandmother: “Don’t be silly. They got them for the kids to play with.”

(It’s quite a while before she visits my cousin again. When they get back my Aunt gleefully tells us the story.)

Aunt: “We arrived just before dinnertime and [Cousin] had cooked a beautiful meal for us. Mom was raving about how lovely and tender the meat was, then made the mistake of asking what it was. [Cousin] looked at her plate and said ‘I don’t know. It could be Bill or it could be Ben. I can’t tell the difference any more.’ You should have heard Mom scream and she refused to eat any meat from then on.”

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Chicken Shouldn’t Have Come Home To Roost

| IA, USA | Grandparents, Parents & Guardians, Popular

(When my mom was little, one year she got a chick for Easter. When it grew up, she gave it to her grandparents who lived on a farm, and she would go and visit it. One visit, she couldn’t find it.)

Mom: “Where’s my pet chicken?”

Grandmother: “Remember that fried chicken you had last time you were here?”

Cell Your Life Away

| Petaluma, CA, USA | Children, Friends, Sons & Daughters

(My eight-year-old daughter has been begging for a cell phone, and is jealous of her 11-year-old friend who just got her first cell, an older iPhone. My husband and I take them both to a local farm.)

Me: “[Friend], your phone’s falling out of your pocket; you should have left it in the car.”

Friend: “But I’m taking pictures of the kittens.”

Me: “I guess that’s reasonable.”

Daughter: “And her mom called her.”

Me: “Oh, why’d she call?”

Friend: “She just wanted to make sure we got here.”

Me: “Nope, we sold you to sea traders.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Daughter: “Mom? If we do sell her, can I have her phone?”

Daddy Has To Pony Up For Another One

| MA, USA | Children, Parents & Guardians, Pets & Animals, Sons & Daughters

(My sister is 8 and I’m 4. We’ve grown up around horses riding our dad’s since before we could walk. My oldest sister had just gotten a free pony after begging for her own for years. My dad isn’t happy but has agreed to keep the pony. It’s winter, just after a snow storm and my sister has been thrown from the pony into a huge snow pile. I’m laughing at her.)

Sister: “I’d like to see you do any better!”

Me: “Bet I can!”

(I get on the pony and she takes off trying to get me off by turning sharp and getting almost too close to trees. She finally slides to a stop, causing me to lean forward before, rearing up and throwing me into a frozen water trough.)

Mom: “That pony’s sure got good aim.”

Dad: “Good. Now maybe they’ll stop asking us for pets.”

Me: “Daddy, I want a better pony!”

Dad: “D*** it!”

The Whatchamacallit Family

, | Barnesville, OH, USA | Cousins, In-Laws, Siblings

(My father and his brother own an apple orchard that’s been in the family for close to 100 years. One day, I am going to run an errand, and my brother, one of our cousins, and their wives happened to be there.)

Cousin: “Are you taking the thing to place?” (Translation: Are you taking the van to the frozen storage facility?)

Me: “To get the stuff, yeah.” (Translation: To get the cider that’s been in storage, yeah.)

Brother: “Did they tell you that you have to flip the doo-dad?” (Translation: Did they (Dad and uncle) tell you that you have to flip the latch on the door to get it to catch when you close it?)

Me: “Yes, and Hidgegummy showed me how to use the whatsits to open the gizmo.” (Yes, and Dad showed me how to use the crowbar to jimmy open the rear door with the latch that is stuck closed.))

(Upon hearing all this, my cousin’s wife, her eyes huge, turns to my brother’s wife.)

Cousin’s wife: “Oh. My. God! The whole family does it!””

(Note: We know that the aphasia likely isn’t genetic since my cousin is adopted.)