Farming Out The College Talent

| IN, USA | Parents & Guardians

(I work in my college’s admissions department as a caller. We occasionally get parent’s phone numbers instead of the student’s when trying to contact the latter, but it’s an easy work around that doesn’t cause too much trouble. This week we are tasked with calling prospective students to inform them that their applications need to be submitted or completed, and my first call of the day goes out to Texas.)

Man: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, is [Student] available?”

Man: “Who is this?”

Me: “My name is [My Name] and I am calling [Student] in regards to his application to [College]—”

Man: “College? [Student] is going to college?”

Me: “Well, in our records he’s listed as having an application—”

Man: “I didn’t know he was going to college. I thought he was going to stay and work on the farm; what else would I adopt him for?”

Me: “Uh…”

(They hung up soon after. I honestly hope this was a joke.)

Wish The Fact Had Remained Unknown

| CA, USA | In-Laws, Siblings

(I come from out of state to celebrate my brother and sister-in-law’s college graduation. An old friend whom I haven’t seen or heard from in years also comes. He brought his son with him! We talk for a bit, but then I suddenly have a disconnect in my brain. I just can’t believe that Friend, who I last saw as a teenager, now has a baby. Friend is standing some distance away talking with my brother, and the area is a bit noisy. I take advantage of the situation and discreetly lean towards my sister-in-law.)

Me: *whispering* “Is that REALLY [Friend]?”

Sister-In-Law: *very loudly* “Yes! That’s [Friend]!”

Friend: *having overheard and obviously hurt* “Oh… you didn’t know who I was?”

(Thanks a lot for that, Sister-In-Law…)

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Go Home And Get Fed

| Norway | Parents & Guardians

(Long story short: The semester is just starting up. I go do some errands after my first seminar on Monday, when I slip on the ice and badly scratch up my knee. Fast forward to Wednesday; I’m on the phone with my mother. Note: I only have classes on Mondays and Thursdays.)

Me: “Mum, I am not happy.”

Mum: “What is it this time?”

Me: “I could have completely avoided injuring my knee, had I just taken the first train back home to [Hometown] instead of going to [Part of University Town where i slipped], which I could have done because I just got an e-mail saying tomorrow’s seminar is cancelled. That’s almost a week without nothing for me to do.”

Mum: “I’m sorry to hear that. But what is the difference between you sitting in bed on your computer in [Hometown], and you sitting in bed on your computer in [University Town]?”

Me: “In [Hometown], I get fed?”

Mum: “It’s just as well you didn’t come home; we just started painting your room. Besides, it doesn’t hurt you to go out among people every now and again.”

Me: “But it did! That’s the point!”

Mum: *laughing* “Oh, right. It did!”

Stay Safe Or Mom Will Give You A Mall-ing

| WA, USA | Parents & Guardians

(While I am away at college, my mom worries about me. I don’t blame her, but she has a poor sense of time and geography.)

Mom: “Are you okay? I heard there was a shooting at your mall.”

Me: “Mom, I’m fine. You left my house just before the shooting. There was no time for me to go to the mall and get shot.”

Mom: “Well, I just wanted to make sure you were safe.”

(Another time:)

Mom: “Please get back to me. There was a shooting at the mall in [Town].”

Me: “I hadn’t heard.”

(I look up today’s news.)

Me: “Mom, the shooting was last year. This was a stabbing.”

Mom: “Either way, I’m glad you’re ok.”

Me: “Thank you for caring. But for the record, I’ve never been to [Town] and have no plans to go. No mall is worth driving over an hour.”

Mom: “Well, I don’t know what you do with your weekends!”

(I know this means that my mom cares, but I wish she could be smarter about when to freak out.)

Graduated Past The Parking Lot

| Santa Clara, CA, USA | Siblings

(My brother drove down to my university for my graduation. He had to get up very early to make the drive so he is tired and a little grouchy when he finally gets here. This is the message he sent me when he arrived.)

Brother: “Your school is a nightmare that doesn’t have enough signs or instructions. Why are there so many entrances? Why are there no signs beyond one arrow saying ‘parking this way’? And then it’s like ‘f*** you, good luck finding your way.’ It’s a good representation of life actually: college is the one sign pointing what to do in life but then the rest of life is like ‘You can go eat a d***.’ Anyway, found parking and will be waiting to see you! Congrats, [My Name]!”

(It made me laugh when I had been stressing out over getting organized. Who knew he got philosophical when sleep-deprived?)

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