Trying Not To Put Your Foot In Your Mouth

| Seattle, WA, USA | Popular, Sons & Daughters

(My dad has started dating a Vietnamese woman. We are out to eat, and I am meeting the woman’s daughter and son-in-law for the first time. I am the only person there who is neither Asian nor has lived in Asia.)

Son: “Try these sweet and sour chicken feet.”

(I’m completely uninterested but don’t want to be rude, so I try them.)

Son: “What do you think?”

Me: “Thank you for offering them, but I don’t think I’ll have more.”

Son: “Don’t worry, I don’t like them either. I just wanted to see how adventurous you are.”

Not Cool Daddy Cool

| Springfield, TN, USA | Aunts & Uncles, Popular

(I was an evil child when I was younger. I am around five years old and my uncle wants to be nice and takes me to Chuckie Cheese. However, as we’re standing in line, I am excited and spinning around, simply moving nonstop. I bump into a MASSIVE, extremely muscular man, who calmly turns a bit to look at who touched him.)

Me: *blood goes cold as I stare for half a second* “My daddy spanks me really hard!”

(For some reason I thought this will intimidate the large man, but instead the man looks up at my uncle with a death glare.)

Uncle: *put his hands up a bit with open palms* “I AIN’T HIS DADDY!”

This Explanation Never Gets Scold

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(My sister is showing off by standing on one foot and holding the other foot up in the air.)

Sister #2: “That would be easier if you put your foot on the table.”

Dad: “[Sister #1]! No feet on the dinner room table!”

Sister #1: “I didn’t!”

Dad: “I was just yelling in advance.”

Me: “Preventative scolding. It’s the latest thing.”

Dad: “No, predictive scolding is the latest thing. Preventative scolding is the next latest thing.”

Me: “What’s the difference?”

Dad: “Predictive scolding comes first. With predictive scolding, you analyze past scolding and try to predict future scoldings, so you’re prepared to scold them when they’re needed. With preventative scolding, you scold them before they need scolding, so they never do the thing that would need the scolding.”

Mom: *looks bemused, and slightly amused*

Dad: “We’re working on predictive and preventative maintenance at work.”

A Very Interesting Exchange

| Fayetteville, AR, USA | Grandchildren, Grandparents, Popular

(I am at the register closest to the door, which is the only place to do returns and exchanges, and usually get a lot of questions from customers as they come in. A young girl walks up, looking slightly embarrassed.)

Me: “What can I do for you?”

Girl: “Ummmm…” *embarrassed laugh*

Me: “It’s okay, ask whatever you want… I won’t laugh, I promise.”

Girl: “Is this where you go to exchange granddaughters?”

Me: “Hmm, how old is said granddaughter?”

Girl: “15.”

Me: “Is she willing to work?”

Girl: “Yes.”

Me: “What are we exchanging her for?”

Girl: *bursts out laughing* “I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my grandpa.” *walks away*

(Totally made my day.)

Nailed It

| FL, USA | Parents & Guardians, Popular

(One of my tires has gotten a nail in it so I take my car to our local tire place, with my father following behind in his car in case something happens. He comes with me into the building, and typically whenever we get a nail or screw in our tire, he calls us nail/screw magnets and believes we should be able to see them on the road while we’re driving. For the record, he’s had his fair share of nails and screws in his own tires.)

Tire Guy: “Hey, guys, what’s up?”

Me: “I’ve got a nail in my back right tire. Just need it taken out and a patch.”

Dad: “Yep, she’s just like her mother. They’re a bunch of nail magnets.”

Me: *having heard this a million times* “Well, you know what, Dad? If people weren’t letting their nails and screws get out on the road, we wouldn’t have this problem, now would we?”

Tire Guy: *snickers* “She has a point.”

(Dad hasn’t made that particular quip since.)